📜🎩 T H E ☆ M A G I C I A N - Act 72

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T H E  ☆  M A G I C I A N

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Act 72

Mel

“Before we start… may I ask how you feel? How you have been?” Mel asked sorrowfully.

Rosemary shifted in her chair, visibly uncomfortable. 

Mel didn’t know the reason for this, but it looked as if she struggled to find words.

“I… I’d rather not talk about this,” she finally answered. Which made Mel feel even worse.

“Rosemary … I…”

“Please. I don’t—… just give me your answer. I can’t accept your kindness, nor your worry right now. I’m not mad… I just…” she seemed to look for the right description, or maybe even the right thought, and eventually continued,  “I can’t explain it. Can you accept it anyway?”

Mel’s heart ached terribly.

“It’s hard. But I will respect your wishes and give you my thoughts quickly.” They tried to comply. “I… did what you asked of me. I thought. A lot. And if I am being honest, I feel like I can’t make a correct decision. You do mean a lot to me. More than you might know. And that’s the reason I feel like I should stay away from you. The things that happened some weeks ago… Even I didn't know it could be that bad. If I knew, I would’ve stayed away from you from the very beginning.”

The waitress came by again, put the glass of water on Rosemary’s side and a cheaply laminated menu card on Mel’s, then vanished.

“But I haven’t. And now you’re involved. And you’re right… with this, you do have a say in this. I can’t decide for you whether you want to take the risks or not. Additionally, I cannot determine how much you are willing to give. I can’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t take these choices away from you. What I can do is to explain to you more of the risks. And my feelings. And then let you decide what you want to do with that. If… if you still want me, that is. If not… I completely understand. I have treated you poorly. I was—”

They stopped talking when Rosemary, wearing a stern expression, touched them on the arm resting on the table.

“Please. Don’t go there. Stay here, with me.”

Mel took a moment to comprehend her statement.

“You’re right. I am with you. Thank you for reaching out.”

When had that young woman gotten so wise? 

Mel looked into her exhausted but still so very beautiful eyes, one as warm as the antelope canyons, the other as blue as an arctic glacier. Both full of aspiration and apprehension.

Mel's self-deprecating remarks weren't fair to her. She deserved a conversation on equal footing.

“Since you know better than me which risks and conditions you can handle, would you maybe like to ask questions? As opposed to me just guessing? I will try to answer as many as I can; however…”

“You won’t be able to answer everything.”

“Yes, my dear.”

The girl pulled back her hand, but her eyes stayed focused on Mel with all of her undivided attentiveness.

“I understand. Let’s do it like you suggested. My first question is: Do you have someone who looks out for you?”

Mel glanced at her, a little taken aback that the girl had asked this question first.

“In a way, but… I… I’m not sure, I—”

“Please, can you be clear for me…? I don’t think I can handle ambiguousness well right now,” the girl interrupted Mel.

Mel took a deep breath. It was nice how Mary could state her desires so openly, without any offense in her voice. It just wasn’t easy to navigate through this stormy sea of circumstances and filter them down to clear statements.

However, this particular answer was clouded only by ego and hurt.

“Yes,” Mel answered truthfully, and tried to ignore the feeling of the tattoo shifting on their arm and what it possibly meant.

Mel didn't realize Rosemary had been tense the entire time until she closed her eyes, as she appeared to suddenly fade into her chair like a ragdoll. Only now did she get comfortable, at least a bit.

Mel’s heart ached even more. They were desperate to hold the weary, anxious woman. or at least make contact with her hands. Anything. 

As if Rosemary had sensed something, she pulled back her hands even further.

It hurt, but Mel understood. She needed space until she knew how they would proceed.

“Is your life in danger?”

Another rather hard-to-answer question. Mel wanted to answer ‘not currently’, but that wouldn’t help Rosemary to decide.

So they answered, “Yes,” and after a short pause, and even though it was rough to say so, continued, “And if you’re with me, yours will be, too.”

Mary’s eyelids fluttered, but she didn’t seem too surprised nor concerned.

“But it’s usually not as bad as recently, right?”

“Correct.”

“Are you dealing with drugs? Involved in the mafia?”

“No, dear.”

Rosemary relaxed a bit more. Mel could see how she considered this to be a possibility.

“Are you taking drugs?”

Mel was just about to decline, when…

Don’t lie to her. You know what she is asking.

They stopped in their tracks. Then, they closed their eyes and answered: “Yes.”

Rosemary just looked at her, her innocent eyes full of worry. But Mel shouldn’t just stop there. The girl needed to know more than that.

“I am addicted to something. And I always will be. It will, eventually, be the death of me. But I have it well under control. It… made me who I am today. And it’s the reason I’m alive.”

The words cut Mel’s throat open like barbed wire as they came out. 

Rosemary looked as if she wanted to ask something badly, but she held back.

Sensing what the girl probably had in mind, Mel added, “I don’t know how long I have. Everything might be over tomorrow, or in 10 years.”

The girl averted her gaze, but Mel had seen the tears forming.

They got up to hug her.

“No, please,” Mary put a halt to Mel. “Let’s finish this. I promise I will accept your touch once it’s over, even if we decide to end all contact. Okay?”

“Rosemary, I—… you’re asking impossible things of me.”

“You can do the impossible.” She answered, the casual tone in her sentence showing that she undoubtedly believed that. “Please. I wouldn’t be able to continue this talk.”

Slowly, Mel sat down again. This was torture.

“I… I will try my very best to stay alive as long as possible. It’s my deep desire to perform and evoke smiles and wonder within people, and I can only do that when I’m alive.”

A faint smile adorned the girl’s mouth. 

“Of course you do,” she commented silently, but with great warmth. Then she continued, “Will I be able to understand what is going on with you, one day?”

“It’s… it’s my desire that you do. One day.”

“Then I only have one more question… The most important one. Do you want to be with me…?”

Yes. Yes. And right now? More than anything. They wanted to hold Mary, to protect her, and in a strange way, to be protected even; to kiss her sweet little face, to hold her lost, fidgeting hands, to make her a cup of tea, and to tuck her in. To take a stroll with her, seeing the world through her eyes, being the arm she could cling onto. To make her eyes shine with laughter, wonder, surprise. To be called “she” again, only from her lips. To see her in many outfits anew, to explore this unfamiliar desire to be close to somebody, just with her. To hold her safe all night, taking in her scent and her deep breaths, feeling her warmth, then having coffee and breakfast with her in bed while watching old movies. Or even modern ones. Or anything Rosemary desired. To hear her playing with Dutch words in her mouth once more. To hear her sing. To make her happy.

“Yes,” Mel answered, with all their heart, trying to swallow down the big “but” that’s objecting to endangering Rosemary’s well-being. The girl had heard enough to make her own decisions. 

“And this other part of you. Does it want to be with me, too?”

Mel looked at her, perplexed. 

They could feel the tattoo snake shifting around on their body, nervously.

It was uncomfortable, having Lucifer as part of this conversation all of a sudden, to think about his feelings and desires.

Don’t think too much about it. You know the answer. Just get it out.

“Yes,” Mel repeated.

Rosemary closed her eyes. She looked relieved. 

“Then I want to be with you, too. With all consequences. With everything in mind that I heard.”

Mel loved this answer as much as they hated it.

“But I have one requirement,” Mary noted.

“Please, do share.”

“Do you remember what you said to me when we met for the very first time? I need you to follow this same advice, too. Please don’t feel anything but worthwhile when you’re with me. Can you do this for me?”

Mel stared at her, abashed again. They had said this to Mary, true. For very different reasons. Yet, she was right to demand the same kind of respect from her opposite. It wasn’t fair for her to remain in the relationship while constantly losing herself in doubts and self-blame.

“You are so… so wonderfully right to demand this of me, my dear,” Mel expressed empathetically, “however… I cannot promise you this. But I can promise you that I will give it my all to try. Is this enough?”

Finally, the girl reached out her lost, delicate hands to grab and gently squeeze Mel’s, and it felt like the single most important touch they ever shared.

“It is. Thank you, Mel.”

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