Parish Watch / Key Art

"A truly pious devotee of the Bottom is never reluctant to offer her hips to the spiritual neighbors for a divine embrace."

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The Empire Hips of Thighs is a land of peace. Its citizens do not fall to petty crimes and meaningless thuggery, because dark sinful thoughts have no place in your heart when it is already filled with warm tender love for the Bottom. Thus, even the Herquisitorial Police, with all its jurisdiction, requires little effort to maintain public order in a country where every citizen is already an upstanding example of a virtuous person.

But to preserve such peace, society must preserve its faith. The Parish Watcher are the principal faith enforcer of the Church of Thighs, existing to maintain the conviction of each individual and the Thighological Order within the community. They are the most diligent servants of the Church, answerable first and foremost to the Mother-Church of all Thighs. Possessing strict fidelity to the community and a deep knowledge of all spiritual laws, as well as impartiality in their decisions, the Watchers act as judges of the spiritual conviction, but it is the duty of a true devotee of the Bottom to remain vigilant and to support the work of the Parish Watch by reporting suspicious activities or un-thigh worships that may undermine the principles of the Church and these lands. As a matter of fact, by their bond of community, the Faithful are obligated to assist in apprehending infidels at the behest of the Watchers, so that upon their arrival, the justice can be delivered.

There are many Thighological Crimes, when committed, are punishable by befitting public humiliations in the penitential grounds: those who depreciate their neighbor’s Bottoms receive a day of communal face-sitting to scrutinize the beauty of others' buttocks; those who are arrogant about their own Bottom are punished with hours of continuous thigh-chocking or fasting with a ball-gag, so that haughty words no longer come from their mouths; and those who do not value their Bottom will be spanked and whipped on the pillory, so that the pain will teach them to cherish the flesh. Those who regularly fail to participate in the sermons are tied to a poll with magenta ropes in poses that emphasize their rear and act as Living Altars at which others can pray. But worst of all are those who deify anything but the Thighs – they are brought to the Horny Attics of the nearby Libidant Guild, where the Clergy, all night long, will thoroughly explain and demonstrate, through moans and sweat, why love resides in the very center of the Bottom.

Through these humiliations, the unbelievers will be taught the falsity of their inferior believes. They will come to learn the True Faith. They will fall in love with the Bottom. But most importantly, they will understand that these punishments should no longer be perceived as humiliations, but as the flawless rewards for the pious Faithful for their unwavering devotion, and from now on they can, and WILL, be rewarded by working tirelessly for the good of all of Thighlands.

In fact, every citizen, regardless of status, be they laypersons, Watcher themselves, or even Cataphractuhrs, must serve as a Living Altar for a full day at least once in their life. This is a sacramental ritual in which a person’s hips and thighs symbolize all the hips and thighs in the universe. And every worshiper of the Bottom eagerly awaits the moment when the Parish Watch will come and bind her with magenta ropes in sanctified vulgar poses, so that the neighbors can come, bury their faces deep between her thighs, and whisper their prayers.