Therapeutic intervention

I haven’t been able to get out of bed in two days, Friday and Saturday were an exercise of futility!

It’s Sunday morning and the deep-tissue massage I booked last night is now an hour away. I’ve taken my birth control, with a side of Klonopin. Which may sound like overkill, after all, aren’t massages supposed to be relaxing?

Yes, sure. But I will have a panic attack on that table if I’m left alone with my unrestrained, morning cortisol, unmedicated thoughts. I’m too self-aware for my own good and there is nothing remotely zen about being trapped horizontally with my brain at this moment.

With the elegance of someone who clearly doesn’t have a background in dance, I pounced from my bed to my ensuite, turned on the taps and ran myself a bath. While bubbles formed as it filled, I sauntered downstairs for breakfast —something I don’t often have (I’m more of a brunch girl, ya know). I cut a slice of protein pitta bread in half, and while resisting the urge to finish the entire tub of hummus, I stuffed it with freshly cut, cubed avocado and lashings of hummus. Then I swigged a few mouthfuls from the large bottle of coconut kefir I keep in the fridge door. Tangy!

Gut health is something I care about almost neurotically. I prioritise prebiotic and probiotic supplements and foods, which promise to help with everything from digestion, serotonin production, microbiome and even pH balance! I want my microscopic republic thriving.

After three days in a row, I’m finally becoming accustomed to the taste of the Lemon Lime Liquid I.V. I bought. I’ve felt chronically dehydrated since the beginning of this heatwave, which has now outstayed the modest expectations I had for summer —not complaining though.

The London Underground is, quite rightly, plastered with Liquid I.V. adverts, asking Londoners on their sweltering commutes through 17th-century tunnels if they are dehydrated? Very apt placement, really. Travelling on the Underground in this weather is enough to desiccate a person. Let alone a skinny blonde bitch wearing inappropriate shoes.

The large boxes of Liquid I.V. being 15% off on Ocado really sweetened the deal. So naturally, I bought some to try.

At first, they tasted too salty. The next day, too sweet. Today, I actually found myself craving one and finished the entire 500ml bottle of water I’d poured it into. I plan to (try) drink one a day until the heatwave is over, just to compensate for the probable lack of hydration my body has been experiencing this summer.

I cannot spend another day fused to my mattress by some invisible magnetic force. It’s bad for me, I know this. And yet, my chronic fatigue is deffo being exacerbated by the heat. By the time I’ve bathed, dried and styled my hair, I feel so physically depleted that I’m practically ready to collapse. The simple choreography of getting dolled up feels more and more like an athletic task. How am I supposed to go out when I can barely descend from my room.

And before y’all come for me, this isn’t because I “don’t eat enough”, I eat plenty! Highly nutritious meals, too, and more calories than I’d like to admit. I genuinely don’t know how I used to get away with eating so little when I was younger.

Gosh.

I struggle now if I haven’t eaten by 1pm. I used to live off a 5pm OMAD diet like an absolute champion. Now I’m gagging for a 5pm dinner even after having lunch! Wth!

I evennnnn have syrups in my matcha now if there’s an especially delicious one on the menu —and there has been all summer!!

I’m so stressed at the mo, going through a catatonic, transitional period. Everything feels suspended in that horrible territory between one life and the next, where I have no idea whether I’m making brave decisions, or having a nervous breakdown.

I tend to follow my gut because it screams the loudest. But my gut can also be anxiety in disguise. I really hope that’s not what’s happening here.

I don’t know. It’s hard not to become paranoid when your own body doesn’t always seem to have your best interests at heart.

It is always my prerogative to conduct myself with kindness; peace and love. That’s my personal ethos, and I try very hard not to stray. Though, obvs, being a person is occasionally incompatible with being a saint.

What matters is that I do have a heart of gold. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. Even when I’ve behaved out of character, it has never come from a malevolent place. Usually an unwell, upset or confused one.

I do my best. I really do.

And I take responsibility. I have regrets. I make mistakes. I am, unfortunately, a human being. lol.

I stated writing this post on Saturday morning, it’s now Sunday morning and the deep tissue massage I booked myself last night is an hour away!

I didn’t take any klonopin yesterday, it was actually a very unpleasant day. So today im striving for a felt improvement. Not only do I have this sixty minute massage booked. But I also have a late lunch reservation at one of my favorite vegan restaurants booked for my mother and myself to enjoy some wholesome family and food time.

When I physically can’t get myself out of the house, booking things with expensive no show fees can really do the trick!

My massage was booked for 10am, as I walked into the waiting room my masseuse was already waiting for me. She smiled me a big, white, perfect smile. As soon as we got into the therapy room she practically guessed my star sign! I don’t particularly believe in horoscopes however for some reason this really put me at ease. Then she kneaded my body like she was making sourdough.

A couple of hours later, the massage-Klonopin combo really did the trick. I was so blissed out I could almost fall asleep, but I need to save this sleepiness for later tonight!

So I’ve decide to visit my favourite matcha spot and benefit from that sexy green, slow-release caffeine, calm-energy matcha is so aptly known for, before my late lunch reservation.

These new Meta glasses are such a fun toy! I hope people who notice them don’t think I’m a creep. Though lucky for me, I really don’t fit the billing.

They’ll probably just think I’m some influencer.

Is that worse?

Ha!