My sunglasses are smarter than me

Yesterday evening I cried until my pillow was damp, and my nose was blocked. So I took an Ambien and an Antihistamine for good measure.

I wish I could do the same tonight. Well, the part where I take the Ambien and feel like I’m at peace with my body for the first time since the last time.

I wish I were able to enjoy my evenings, rather than feel like I’m in a cyclical loop of despair, discomfort and dissatisfaction. But I’ve been rather liberal, mixing downers with downers more often than usual lately. And while a few times a week I can get away with it, if I do this shit every day I soon risk building a tolerance. So, to maintain a healthy relationship with Mister Ambien, I must refrain from sharing a bed tonight.

I spent all morning feeling as though I was having some sort of speed-induced psychosis. It reminded me of when I’d take far too much of my ADHD prescription Dex; to the point where you feel completely disconnected from reality, stuck in fight or flight. Emotionless, nauseous and autistic! (I’m not being rude, iykyk!)

However, I hadn’t taken any prescription speed. I was sober. These terrible feelings I was experiencing were actually the result of the extremely profound anxiety, upset and tears I’ve been crying nightly since Monday.

Perhaps there was a lag due to the sedatives I ply myself with, but it all caught up with me when I awoke from yet another terrible night’s sleep, full of nightmares and carnage. I felt completely dissociated; nothing felt real and everything had lost meaning. Especially myself.

For a couple of hours I lay stretched out like a cat on the floor of my bedroom, doing admin on my MacBook; which I tend to keep uncharged, wedged amongst a stack of glossy fashion magazines and old Anna Nicole Smith Playboys from the nineties and noughties.

I felt as though I needed to perform mundane and unexciting administrative tasks —again, like when I take prescription speed. My one probable explanation for these similarities was that clearly my body had been propelled into a feverish state of fight or flight. I was both eerily calm and yet had never been more anxious in my life.

I felt so sick from not eating, and yet far too nauseous to eat.

So instead of getting lunch, I unboxed my new Kylie Meta glasses, which finally arrived after weeks on preorder! I chose the tortoise frames with the brown lenses, as I didn’t want solid black to be too harsh against my bright blonde hair and pale skin.

I’m so pleased with my choice. They’re even more gorgeous than I could have hoped!

I was nervous, not being able to try the frames on IRL before making my purchase. Believe me, I tried. Traipsing around London during the ongoing heatwave in my shell-pink Mary Jane heels, department-store-hopping like a tech-hungry bunny. But being so new and sought after, my only option was to order them online from Meta.

Perhaps the best surprise for me was that the hidden speakers in the arms of the glasses perform better than my own AirPods! Truly, I had no idea an open-ear speaker could be so impressive. I assumed you’d have music leaking out, background sound leaking in, and be able to tell that at least something was being compromised. But no. The sound quality is so good it is worth buying the glasses for it alone. Even without all their other features, I feel I have already made a good investment in a second pair of headphones!

The Meta AI is so uncanny and smart, I do find it all, at times, incredibly unnerving. I’m not an AI person; truth be told, it terrifies me. I’m already paranoid enough about voices in the walls, or people who aren’t really there listening to me. These glasses make both fears come to fruition! However, the psychosis of having Kylie Jenner speak the weather forecast into your ear is not only very helpful, but also vastly entertaining!

Though she also read my bedroom to filth… When prompted to ask “Meta, what am I looking at?” in the setup, Kylie responded, “It appears you are looking at a very untidy room…” Thanks girl. Sadly for me, I’m not living in a multi-million-dollar mansion, but a depressive episode.

Obvs, these glasses are known for their filming capabilities, with the two cameras affixed to either side of the frame. I was worried these cameras might appear as obtrusive eyesores. But the design of these glasses is so sleek and chic, I actually cannot fault them. Yes, the arms could afford to be a little skinnier —couldn’t we all? But they’re packed with technology! So I can’t really hate on them for being slightly wider than average.

The camera quality appears to be at its best outside in natural, bright light. I’d imagine bright artificial Selfridges lighting would also be pretty apt.

Inside my curtains-closed-during-the-day, fairy-light-addled bedroom, filming lacked a little lustre. But I’m not sure any camera could do my room much justice under such conditions. Lol!

I haven’t been able to go out and use the camera to the best of its perceived ability yet, so I cannot review it properly. However, first impressions have me thoroughly impressed!

The price point of these glasses is scarily reasonable; like, so reasonable I feel there is a frightfully horrible catch… Perhaps sacrificing so much of my precious personal data to Meta? I’ve spent more money on a regular pair of analogue designer sunnies than I spent on these! Priced at £360, I believe.

Their quality and appearance is akin to a nice pair of luxury frames, except you have the added benefit of hands-free cameras, headphones and Kylie Jenner ensnared as your personal assistant. Every man’s dream? Shame they’re marketed at women LOL! I jest, I’m also partial to Kardashian women. Though if I could choose, Kourtney would be my personal presence. Mimicking her deadpan Valley Girl accent is a beloved vocal stim of mine at the best of times.

Now, I’m aware that many people have strong opinions when it comes to “surveillance tech” and all the awful ways it can be abused. As a woman wearing these, I think we’re all already reassured it’s not my prerogative to perv on people or record strangers for my own sexual deviance. Though I cannot say what Meta themselves are doing with my recordings —nothing, I hope!!

Though I’m choosing to approach things with the same level of suspicion, scepticism and blind optimism that I reserve for every tech billionaire…

I bought these glasses with the wholesome intention to record aesthetically pleasing, interesting and engaging video, to act as background for me to read my (these!) essays over. A sort of creative media collaboration project for myself. Seeing as I’m so infinitely aimless, lonely and bored in my luxurious life of unemployment. If I’m going to spend my days aimlessly wandering around London, I may as well have a camera attached to my face.

I hope employing a new tech-essory to pick up a new hobby before my ADHD brain moves on to the next, might be just the trick to keep things moving! 

I will certainly be reporting back as soon as I’ve stopped feeling so agoraphobic that leaving the house requires a lot of painful coaxing, positive morale and benzos.

Hopefully good things are to come!!