What is this, a substack? Livejournal?!? What year is it again?!
Look, at my lowest I operate from a place of fear.
That is where the anxiety, shame, guilt, indulgence, reassurance seeking, and overreacting stem from. Fear. Being a person is scary.
Because with any amount of kindness, success, attention, stability, comes the question: What could I possibly provide/make/do to deserve this?
Or equally: what if I make one misstep too many and it all disappears?
And the right answer to both of these questions simply doesn’t exist.
Which yes, on occasion, I can find sort of paralyzing. And some days I feel I know the best plan of action, and then the next I question it, and then I’m sure again, and then I scrap a video after two days of work because it’s just not going to be good enough, and then maybe a good idea takes more time to execute, and oh look at that I’m so very behind, so in some ways I guess I have already failed. You deserve better. I owe you all more. You have been kind, how can I ever hope to repay that kindness?!?
Does this back and forth actually result in a video I can be proud of? Enough of the time sure, but not every time no.
It’s just part of what it’s like to have the dream come true, to get everything you hoped for, not overnight, but slowly, so that it creeps up on you without the full force of an actual surprise. Neither a grand prize, nor a reward purely earned either. It is the opposite of going viral, not overnight success, but a creeping sustainability, not excess, but a livelihood. Luck is involved, but not the lottery kind, just the sort where enough individuals come across your work and decide to be generous. Support is one thing, but compassion as well?!? What can I do to deserve it? What could I possibly do to deserve such kindness?
Well don’t we all deserve kindness, like uh, as a rule? Yeah sure, but once kindness becomes coins, the desire to provide a service beyond my mere existence arises. Existing could never be enough in equivalence, and is never just guaranteed, rain or shine. To earn it I must provide some sustenance in return, produce some product, even as a person. Productivity, something to show for yourself. It’s a lie and the honest truth. My worth is not tied to my existence, but my existence is still dependent on my worth.
And if it must be more than what is inherent, who decides what it will be?
The exact details vary by occupation, medium, expectations. Too much fantasy, too much math, too many sequins, too many dresses, too retro, not retro enough, too old fashioned, too modern, too long, too short, too much yapping. I don’t like the color, I wouldn’t wear that, gosh I hate her voice. Just do more like this, do whatever you want, why did you stop doing that? Less subscribers are engaging with this video, click here to read more. Not enough explanation, not enough content, not relatable enough, not enough, not enough, not enough
And you better believe I have heard that last one plenty before. It’s what the meninges sound like, the lining around the brain. The little cells whisper, the culture decries. You want to survive? You had better contribute, have something of real value to offer in exchange.
But don’t bring the wrong balance of tithing either, or half of the chorus will be disappointed, and worse still, many may simply leave, as is their right.
Most of us cannot afford to disappoint half the chorus.
And which voice to listen to when the veil grows a little too thin? The endless chittering can leave me afraid, afraid that if I don’t strike the correct chord, I won’t be able to pay my bills next time.
Being a person and a business in one is kinda dumb. Artists have always relied on generosity, fortune, fate. The more commerce you allow into the mix the weaker the supply. I wish I could be so bold as to always make art alone. But it’s such a risk to listen to only one voice. It requires quite a lot of faith.
If I do not create constant value, then I do not deserve consistent income. This is not something I actually believe, or want to believe if somewhere I (clearly) do, at least not about anyone other than myself, or for myself either, and it is not the world I /want/ to live in, but it is unfortunately the world in which I live.
The background malware infecting even my core systems. Some of my memory is always going to get eaten up running the endless diagnostics. Hard drive stability depends on subtle hormonal shifts, how much sleep I’ve had, the weather, the last time I was able to look at a live tree, speak to another human being, write. Defragging the system when the scratch disks are full, and giving off multiple errors, and god forbid one more minor inconvenience inflicts a 404 error, user simply not found.
A virus not amongst creators, but across a species. Once removed from biology evolution works far too fast. We were designed to collect, run, make art and to learn. Instead we made all this. We fucked around, we've found out.
And if you can’t meet your quotas, why wouldn’t you be punished? Exiled. It’s a preemptive flinching from the impending conclusion. Equal and opposite reactions and all that. Laws of the universe, the fear in the DNA which kept life alive. Run when you must. Run until you can't.
And yet there is this huge lie permeating the discourse; that if we didn’t have to fight for survival we wouldn’t bother to fight at all. But that’s not true, because humans hate nothing more than to be bored. Only when curiosity and creativity truly die off will humanity dissolve with them. We’ve got another few years, maybe, evidently silicon valley just can’t decide.
Now of course operating (or creating) from a place of fear is not great, is not ideal either personally or professionally, but it is the easiest script to fall into during a weakened state, say when your country is ramping up its global villainy to yet more draconian degrees, when it’s still winter and you know you need to come up with eight thousand dollars for a roof repair during tax season, when someone hit the corner of your car in the Hannaford parking lot and didn't even leave a fecking note.
When the world weighs heaviest, one becomes susceptible to the whispers, the lies, and can get unduly upset about not being able to get a video out on schedule. Or is that last bit just me? That which is actually inconsequential becomes instantly catastrophic, because it wore down to the nerve, mundanity suddenly scrapping against a more existential threat.
That’s how you can end up making excuses in a brief blog post when really you should probably just say nothing, and should just release the videos on whatever schedule you can because it a) doesn't actually matter in a world bent toward chaos and b) would make you seem far more aloof and coolly in control. Ahh to only be aloof and cool and in control. There is ever less difference between me and a cowering mouse caught within the talons of a silent striking owl than I should like. The variables simply don’t always compute to a satisfying conclusion, certainly not in time to avoid another blue screen of death, because I am not a computer, I am a mammal.
So I cannot repay your kindness, no matter which project I choose, which deadline I meet or don’t reach, which way I shrink or which way I grow. Generosity, compassion, these values exist outside the bounds of computation, they are human. The very best of us.
Which is to say your comments have been so kind, and I am reminded yet again that this dissonant jazz in my brain cannot be heard even just outside of it…until I open my mouth (or rather, begin to type).
(which of course, typing is the best of cures, and I feel most myself again the more I do it)
I ran out of size 11 seed beads in the rather fun shade “june bug”, which is an iridescent aqua-green mix. More are on order, which is good because at this point I really am ready to finish this one garment up just for the sake of my sanity. The first part of the project will come out on Thursday. In a gargantuan leap of logic I have decided that if a project is big and rather time consuming I will break it into parts, and if a project is simpler with less steps I will put it all in one video. I know, I know, groundbreaking stuff.
And in other earth shattering discoveries no one could have predicted, the sun has come out, I’ve been able to go on a few walks again outside, and I feel far more functional. Imagine the power I could wield if I just drank enough water and cut out sugar too or something. Thank goodness the world will never have to know such majesty. I made chocolate chip cookies with sea salt sprinkled on top last week instead.
So thank you, most of all, for treating me like a person, not a machine, because it’s something I struggle with. Your kindness ever surprises me, and I’ll never let up trying to share something of myself in return. I just have to trust in you, and trust in me.
Comments (75)
My kids and I have what we call 'the better than nothing gang' and every time you only get halfway but it's all you could do you just say 'the better than nothing gang Rides again' sometimes Bianca that's all you can do
What we tell our kiddos adult and child is, do your best whatever form that is for you. Not my best or what you think I expect. Hugs. Do your best
I'm glad you feel this is a safe place to share with us some deep and sometimes scary thoughts. We all at some point have felt less than and always, we are our worst critic. You've set a bar for yourself so high for production quality that honestly, yes I enjoy, but do not require. I'd watch anything you put out no matter what it was about or how much editing had been done. Even a silent film lol As far as contributing financially, my part has nothing to do with content. I've gone Many months and not even opened Patreon. YOU are someone I want to support, it's a tiny part of my budget.... It works because you have Your village who cares about you, your fur babies, and your life! Not what you can do for us... Ps... Your hard work doesn't go unnoticed here. I always get caught up with what you put here even if I don't visit all the time 💙
Hear, hear!!
Brains are terrible, and the world is making keeping them safe difficult. Money stuff makes it all harder. We are here because we want to support you. If a bunch of us can send you a little money each, we can all help you live your dream. Produce or not. We want you happy and healthy. We are your Theo, and you are (one of) our Vincent(s).
The fact that you value your own voice, your labor, and your talent enough to be in this position at all is a triumph. Capitalism wants you to bleed yourself dry for corporations, the patriarchy is deeply invested in making sure that women never receive (and certainly never demand) fair compensation, and queer people are the lifeblood of so many creative industries that don't ever do enough to actually support them politically. The message that we should just be grateful to have a job at all is constant. In the face of all that, you have made your case for deserving more, and if sometimes that's too exhausting and you need to feel the strain and the doubt, that's ok. You won't feel it forever. I'm proud of you for all that you have done and created, and I'm glad that you know this is a safe place to find community and support when you feel beaten down. I know I'm not the only one here who's turned to your videos when I'm feeling stuck or not talented enough or uninspired or like my body is wrong or like the bleakness of the world is too much for me to even want to make something. Every time I see my name in the credits on your videos it makes me so damn proud to be part of something so valuable and making something useful and beautiful in the world. If nothing else, please try to set your mind at rest with that thought. We are making a thing together, and it's sustaining us all in the process.
Thanks for All the free contents that you have put on YT and Thanks for what you have done- and still doing- on this platform. I will definitely stay as long as I can.
We are not buying a product from you. We are just sending you some coins to show you we appreciate your art. Thanks for sharing a part of you that happens to inspire us. ❤
We love you, Bianca. What you do is fantastic, intelligent, creative and gorgeous. You, personally, are also all these things. However fast or slow your output is, is okay. We don't care that you post slower or faster than others. We are here for YOU. Whatever you do is fine with us. Take a deep breath...
I am going to say to you what I tell my S.O. Tell the Closet Historian to be nicer to Bianca. She is too great a task manager, doesn't give you enough time off, and tells you untrue things. You deserve mental and physical well being as well as financial security regardless of productivity. I didn't get a chance to respond to your previous post but you are choosing to do what I hoped: putting quality over quantity. I truely feel that I am giving back only a fraction of what I get. Truely I could not afford your Drafting Dangerous series if you charged what it is worth. Please take care of yourself as if you were taking care of one of your loved ones.
🩵💙💜
Your writing is so beautiful. And I love your content whenever it comes out. I literally tought myself to sew watching your videos! I don't consider my membership buying anything from you, I'm supporting your art. Do it on your timeline to preserve your mental health. (Trust me, I had to take a 7 month sabbatical from my job because of my mental health). I am ready to see your art whenever you are ready to show it ☺️
dearest miss bianca, please know that we love your work for you, not simply as a content machine. I know it's hard to believe, especially right now, especially as us creatives where everything is so precarious, but the things you make are simply so beautiful and stunning and helpful---you are wonderful, and we want to support that. I hope you get some rest <3 if you need to take a few weeks off---that's fair enough! we'll miss you , of course, but if you give a specific time frame we'll understand and count down the days to your return. take some time to breathe if you need. we're here for you, not a machine. You've already done so much for us---there is no need to rush. You are an asset, and strong, and beautiful, and wonderful <3 it's a delight to hear you speak on anything.
Wow! Also, thanks for this. I’m feeling more present in the world with having read your writing. This has sure been a challenge of a winter! Old house woes chaos in the sewing and art space and unexpected arthritis! I’m calmed to realize I am not alone and thankful for the tiny teaser la of spring in New England. Surely it will be wonderful, soon!?!?
I view your writing and your videos and your creations as a gift to me. I view my small monthly contribution as a gift to you. And I give without expectation of return, and with the knowledge that, once the gift is out of my hands, it’s out of my control and none of my business. I hope you feel a small modicum of freedom and joy that, at least.
I like your content because of how genuine you are. Your art is inspiring, your projects unique, but we all struggle sometimes, it’s what makes us humans. I don’t want to make this comment too long, but in short we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, because of how disgustingly demanding this world is, you are more than enough! Your art is more than enough, is unique, in many ways.
You are so delightful. Keep doing that which brings you joy and we will happily watch.
It sounds like you needed to say all of that. Thank you: I for sure needed to hear it. ❤️
Been thinking about you a lot & agree with many who speak here, am not here for “tit for tat”…. I am fine with whatever schedule supports your well-being. And I think you need to empower yourself to take a vacation from time to time, without guilt. People in “normal” jobs have weekends and vacations, why not also you? I have watched my husband, a self-employed farmer, who doesn’t get vacations or really weekends… but instead, he naps daily and he takes time to re-charge his batteries. We take a day trip now & then…. perhaps, the key is to give yourself a “Job Description” and to write out your work time, your boundaries… You don’t “owe” us every waking minute! It’s inhuman…. and we won’t disappear because you need a vacation or to slow down a little. Post a photo, vs a video… make a choice to produce more vlogs and fewer polished films…. not that we don’t love them, but because the production and pace need to be liveable. So, maybe write yourself a job description that will set some boundaries and maybe lowering your standards a titch will help with easing the workload while still sharing a photo or vlog to keep viewers onboard. (& I love those more casual/personal tyoe vlogs too! & maybe others here do too?) and then…. you create space for rest and writing or downtime to Re-Create yourself. And screw folks who say your creations are “unrelatable”!! Utter BS. That is a lack of creative vision on their part!!! I find PLENTY of creative inspiration and honestly, I admire you SO much. No strings attached, no expectations… I enjoy what you share and sincerely hope you will take care of yourself so that you can continue your beautiful dreams & creations (& sharing, but in a way that is SUSTAINABLE for you!) And sending a warm cyber hug. (Lastly- I am in my 50s now, married in late 40s - so many years on my own, and my cat & dog were my warm fuzzies. I worked long days and many evenings had to bring my work home. Yoga classes, in person ones, helped even if it was super awkward at first, but yoga folks are welcoming folks and the rest at the end was my favorite bit. So renewing. And my dr also suggested getting a massage. We need human contact and a massage is a self-care thing plus human contact. Maybe these ideas help or not… but just felt might be worth sharing.)
You are an artist. Artistic souls are driven by so much more than inspiration. You are a wonderfully complex and rich human being. Humans are driven by so much more than food and shelter. You sit at the bottom of a deep well. Good: take a rest , collect your strengt. When you'll feel ready, you'll push off the ground and reemerse in a whirl of waterfirework. Until then, I will hold your hand in thought. And keep supporting you with my small monthly contribution, so that you may gather strength and creative energy without additional practical burdens.
You write a lot about "deserving money for doing the right thing IN TIME" and how we are "kind". But isn't that a wrong way of thinking? .. On the one hand: yes, seems there are a lot of friendly creatures here :D, but coin-wise I at least do not pay out of kindness, I pay to see the additional vids (not on a schedule :P) and because I am thankful and I feel it is only decent and fair(!!!) to return something, since you already offered so much free knowledge on YT and changed my sewing life. Let alone offering the moodlift throug your videos. Which means: _____you "deserved" my money long time ago and now I am paying back! :) ___ For me, it is not a "tit for tat" on a weekly basis, it's a vague exchange on a 2-years-basis. If you'd stop creating completely(!!!) than after 2 years I'd unsubscribe. As long as there is any output whatsoever, I stay. Because: The huge joy your output brings is not measurable in hours or kept schedules like the next best office job. It's much softer criteria; emotions do not tend to be measurable.. and it's ok. Let it be an advantage. My (and I think: our) love for your work is stable. (PS: I am glad you shared your thoughts with us. Nobody should have to shadow-fight.)
Couldn't have said it better 👏
From my lil corner of the internet, what I see is a brave, tenacious, and inspiring person who, in spite of the fear, keeps showing up as her best authentic self. You are strong Bianca! You are strong!!!
So many of us are going through it right now...we are not designed to hustle 24/7 - hustle culture is just capitalist hegemony re-sold to us as somehow empowering, after they stripped us of our economic autonomy and our hardwon working conditions. None of us can thrive in this world without deep connections to each other, community, and space and time to be creative. Not monetizing your skill sharing is an incredibly kind, generous, and radical act in late stage capitalism, and you deserve to get that back a thousand times over. Wishing you all the best lovely x
just want to join the crowd in echoing: hey! we like you for you, so take the time you want and need, give yourself grace, lots of internet hugs and well wishes from us to you <3 seeing the sun again really does wonders, i felt human for the first time in months :'D we are no better than houseplants it seems. personally, i do patreon as a way to throw money at people who i want to support, not as part of an exchange. i mean we already get to see your content, so technically we are getting *something*, but its not a 'thing' i keep track of the way i would a store purchase. i think of it the way i would get a coffee for a friend. just a small monthly moohlah to say hey thanks for existing, i want you to be able to keep doing your thing, i hope this helps! i get to see your cute kitties and your fun projects, hear you talk about your plans and processes, and learn some cool stuff. viewing shinies and hearing people talk about things they enjoy is deeply soothing! so even if its just you deep diving on i dunno bead sizes, i just enjoy the vibe.
I feel like we all find this pretty relatable! There’s a scared little person inside every creative that longs to share with the world the things that make their heart sing, but is so afraid it/they are just not good enough. I’m always happy to see what I see when I see it (true patronage!) because I love what you put into this world and it makes me feel brave enough to share myself too:)
I recommend distraction. Walking is great. Exercise is a must for the whole life. Sitting still is death. The cats are great but do see if you can get some human interaction. Having a human acknowledge you exist is vital. Even if it is just a smile or nod from a passing stranger. But distraction is good. It breaks the downward spiral. I enjoy ancient history. Bettany Hughes is one of my favorites. Irving Finkel is great for a good laugh. British Museum or British library both have lovely lectures and book reviews. Ancient history is safe because it's far away and yet still influencing us. It is good to know where we came from and why we are as strange as we are. You can take a deep dive into the Bronze Age collapse and see why historians think we may be falling into the same trap. Spoiler alert: only the rich seem to really be impacted, the average gal seems to be unharmed... the global network collapses, no more luxury items, the palaces burn, the towns not so much. but food, normal stuff, it's less but not gone. In history you find hope.
Legitimately I was always surprised how consistent content creators were putting videos out even before when the world seemed a bit more stable let alone now, so I'm relieved folks I follow are sometimes changing their schedules up to give themselves more time. Also for what it's worth my style is very different and I just really enjoy your work and your style and I've learned a lot about sewing from you, so even us out in the world looking like "mom who bought her clothes at the farm supply store for some reason" get a lot from your videos and aren't jumping ship 👍
No one else does what you do and how you do it!
Hugs & that last line is a beauty! So sorry about the car & the roof.
Your last line, like the Etta James song, says it all. And I would add, trust in art. ❤️✨
That song is my two main characters "song" in my fiction work 😅 "trust in me, and I'll be worthy of you"
Selfishly speaking, I would like to read more of your writings! If you write this we'll understand all this mountain of stress, then wow. Please take care of yourself for our sake, the sake of your cats and loved ones, and yes, for your own sake. I wonder if there is some isolationism seeping through in your life too, I'm not saying to be a social butterfly, he'll knows I'm not, but reading your thoughts made me feel as if they come from a place of loneliness that internet people just can't bridge. Love all of the things you bring into your world, but mostly you as a person. Please take care.
This post spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you for all that you do! I love the creativity, the variety, the honesty, the process, all of it. We are so often our own worst critics (sheepishly raising my hand as yet another one who struggles with high personal standards...). Hang in there, take breaks when you need them, and above all take care of yourself. We're here, supporting you. Sending hugs.
Bianca, be kinder to yourself! I started following you years and years ago and became a patreon because I really like what you do. I didn't become a patreon because I wanted 100% perfection 100% of the time. I like your vibe, I like your aesthetics, I like the different content (from beading necklaces to Victorian dresses, shimmering insect brooches and appliqués, hats, Golden Era Hollywood dresses, your absolutely astonishingly beautiful ideas for decorating your living space, your smalltalk in the videos, your instructions about personal blocking for pattern making... I could go on forever). I understand your fear that everything could go away, that's the downside to being freelance in any occupation. But we have stuck with you for years now, long enough for the bank to think you're good for the loan. You have to trust yourself, trust us! Make short vlogs of stenciling the ceiling, or show newbies how to take measurements, or tell us about your process without having to actually make something from a super gorgeous fabric from your stash. Show how to make a toile, show how to tweak patterns to fit one's own particular measurements. We won't disappear, and maybe vlogs could be a lesser workload for you right now, when you clearly are overwhelmed by life itself. You are such an amazing person, give yourself some grace. Breathe.
I know YouTube will scream at you, but it's ok to schedule "unproductive" time for your own sanity. I spent many years struggling to find activities that I enjoyed _doing_ in my "free" time rather than always doing stuff I hated doing but wanted the results of with no breaks. And it's ok to just be a scared monkey hiding under a blanket sometimes too. Feelings are there to help you take care of yourself, even if acknowledging them or finding a path that soothes you can feel like lifting f'ing mountains. 🫂
My late sister had a fridge magnet quoting Winston Churchill: "When you're going through Hell, keep going." Seems a little apropos now? I used to think that Bette Midler's song "Still Got My Health" was "my song" until I didn't any more. But you do. So just keep going. Aka "The sun'll come out tomorrow..."
You are allowed to be human and we all have gone through a “everything at once oh sh*t, how am I supposed to handle all of this”. You didn’t make the roof leak, you didn’t hit and run your own car, you didn’t give yourself PMDD, you didn’t create the storm of the century to isolate you from the sun. Sometimes poop happens and plans don’t work out. It’s not asking too much for some grace. The universe can be cruel, but you have given your all and why shouldn’t that be enough? We have months of content from you to watch and we wait with patient, bated breath for your inspirational art. I know I’m not leaving and it’s not charity. I selfishly live vicariously through you. Your art gives me joy and if it’s not out for a couple weeks, that’s okay! You have earned every penny. Never doubt it. You are deserving and you didn’t deserve all the crap that was thrown on you. You give me and so many others much more than you realize. When I’m down about my situation, sometimes I will watch your stuff to give me hope and positive energy to create. Please take care and we all give you big digital hugs.
A YouTube job is so hard. It’s uncharted territory! We are the first generation to try to manage this demanding existence long-term. Many people are struggling with it, Rachel Maksy, Angela Clayton; you are suffering in good company if nothing else. We are here to support you, whether you have June Bug sequins or not. Please be patient and kind to yourself; it will get easier with practice. Bake more cookies, snuggle those kitties, and remember that sewing, and teaching, are joyful things. 💚🖤💜
Wow, the inner workings of our brains as a species is complex, and you've very eloquently shown the light on your particular version. It's so easy to just tell someone that they should or shouldn't feel a certain way, and almost always the wrong thing to say. We feel how we feel when we feel it. I think our feedback as your patrons is to help give you more data to add to the pros/cons lists of how you do what you do, to help remove the nebulousness of the decision making process. However, that data doesn't always make that decision easier. Ultimately, my wish for you is to find your own balance of caring for yourself and caring for others, which is really what your content does. Our part of the equation is to give monetary support to help you accomplish that.
This was a delight to read... and echoed so much of how I have been feeling about things lately too. We're all just beans wishing we were more cool and aloof and in control!
Oh B! I have tears in my eyes from reading this. Yes, we all deserve compassion regardless of circumstance. Don't let that voice/virus tell you differently. We're not just here for the amount of content and the deadlines you set for yourself. We're here for your voice in all it's forms. For your humor and imagination. For your love of jewel tones and kitties. For everything that brought us all here to begin with. Be gentle with yourself please. You deserve it. BTW, this was beautifully wirtten. You amaze me.
So true x
Yesterday I went on my first walk since last November - colds, flu and rain got in the way - and the lift it has given to my spirits is beyond awesome. Even went swimming today for the first time in ages on the back of the feel good factor. The only way is up,
Boy do I hear you. It's the late winter blues setting in with a vengeance, made worst by being alone in a new environment and being overwhelmed by your first house purchase. Throw in a world that's turning into the upside down more every day and yeah, it's completely understandable. I suspect many of us are rowing the same boat right now. But you're dealing with the problems one at a time. And journalling will help you sort it out and clarify your thoughts. And getting outside and enjoying a little physical break will help too. Don't beat yourself up Bianca. Just keep working for the good one step at a time, with videos as long or as short as is suitable to the content, and don't doubt yourself. We aren't doubting you or we wouldn't still be here.
Yep, you can tell your a writer! You kept me interested in reading your entire post. You are doing fine. You have a variety of diverse talents! ( Sewing, using an electric saw, decorating, etc ) not all of us can do all that you do, hell I'll never be as good a sewist as you are! Spring is coming, the snow is melting. Give yourself grace! You have always given us your all, it's ok to slow down a bit. Maybe an update of your brooches or handbags ( I'm sure you've added to your collection since you last showed us. ) Someone suggested posting something from the vaults, i'm sure new people would appreciate one of your older videos. Go Girl! You can do it! You are doing it! Hugs!
Bianca, first, live is too hard to cut out sugar without medical need. Eat and enjoy those cookies. Second, I'm so sorry someone hit and run you. That sucks major ass. I hope it wasn't serious and that your car is okay
Gosh I’m glad I found you! Thank you for sharing your talent! ❤️
I dunno who decided that the electrical sack of fat that powers the meat-mech should be so dang mean, but here we are. We're all existing in a world that is HARD right now, and being able to create is integral to combating that... Patreon lets me live my dream of being a patron of the arts (whatever those happen to be) and I am sure a lot of other folk here feel the same. So keep inspiring, keep creating, and keep on doing what you need to do to be less BSOD & more human.
Oof. As an author who doesn't "have a job" I get how hard it is to be constantly told by society that you have no value to the world. But as you said, spring is coming and things will get better.
Them: I asked ChatGPT Me: Yeah, well, I watched a video/read a blog post from TCH and was inspired to make something with my own two hands. *I* know which is better, and I think everyone else here does too.
Perhaps it’s time to look into a little Cognitive Behavior Therapy and mindfulness meditation? They work a treat with this kind of agonizing self talk. And remember, not everything you post has to be really difficult. Share with us a 1940s catalog; do a mini closet tour, maybe hats or clutches or brooches (yes, just one per video), take us along for a walk or cookie making. These simple things are important and interesting to us; they are of value to us, and they will give you more time for your big projects. And my last piece of unsolicited advice: believe the comments we leave you.
Just a side note but if there is neuro divergence (diagnosed or not) sometimes you need to be careful with CBT and mindfulness. You need a therapist who is experienced with our brains. Otherwise you can end up making the situation worse with the overthinking and over analysing 💜💜
The exercise + cut out sugar + get enough sleep sounds way too familiar! I've just been through a rough patch myself and it can be so hard to do those things even though we know that they will help! I hope you find some motivation to take breaks from "work" and take care of yourself. ❤️ I think it's a good idea to break up larger projects. I really look forward to see the jacket. That sneek peak last time was diabolical - it looks absolutely deliscious! I just want to mention that I really enjoy your beadwork. I thinks it's absolutely inspired, and because of you I finally took the plunge last month and got into beading Christmas baubles. It tickles the same part of my brain that puzzles do but I get beauties for my tree at the end! So thank you! ❤️
Being a human is completely f’ing scary. But also sometimes we manage to find connections and make art and help each other in ways that make the senseless chaos make sense for awhile, or at least feel a bit easier to ignore. I hope that creating and making art can bring much more joy than worry 💜💜
Bianca, you have a treasure trove of 179 videos, mostly Patreon-exclusive, going back 6 years on here. I'm not even going to mention YouTube. You're not performing the same show for a new audience every week, you're producing a library of forever-content. That makes you an author (of videos), and as such you're entitled to royalties even if you never publish another thing. And here you are, letting any person spend $5 to access all of them. Plus running the risk of a bad actor paying for 1 month and illegally downloading them all. It's not "what have you done for me lately," it's "what have you done" full stop. And look at what you've done!
After 3 years, a "curator" member will have paid the equivalent of $1 per non-public video. Just to put it in perspective.
Man I miss Livejournal! The slice of life ramblings were a delight. Things are hard lately, so much free floating charged anxiety waiting to stick to us like cat hair. I'm covered in it these days. It makes it hard to do anything else. My knitting and sewing have suffered and I've returned to my hard core comfort reads (Sherlock Holmes and Ilona Andrews). Watching you create is always a special joy, whatever the schedule. It is soothing because I know you aren't going to do something totally unhinged (for my definition of unhinged) so I can relax and enjoy watching you create. Yes, I have a hard time watching many YT creators. :D I hope you can get some space and time to feel better. We'll be here when you're ready!
Thank you for being someone we can be kind to! That's in short supply these days. And the arts are exactly what saves us when the flames of humanity are highest. I appreciate the respite you provide and that is why I am happy to be a supporter. And cats.
Always cats … lol
It's hard right now. You're doing it ❤️
Bianca, dear, I wish I could come over and have a cup of tea (or coffee) with you to tell you just how well you are doing it all. Just do you, don't let yourself be forced to do things in a way that doesn't feel good. Breaking up a long process into different videos: fine. I like a cliff hanger. If you want to make a long video, because to you it's better for understanding the process: also fine, I sit down with some knitting, crocheting, or my own sewing and enjoy it all to the fullest. I became one of your patreons because I like and love YOU and the things you do. Don't doubt yourself, love.
Thinking of you Bianca, and wishing you well. Just love all that you do, what ever that may be at the time, the videos, the podcasts and the text you write. Whatever it is, its just so creative and brilliant. Just be yourself, that's enough and all anyone could ask of you. Les x
No matter what I type, I'll make it weird, it's my superpower. Just know that indeed, you can't please everyone, especially on the Internet, but I still love what you do no matter how you do it, and I know I'm not alone (everyone here would agree I think) I think you're doing amazing, creating while around you there is a shitstorm is hard and you’re still doing it
Happy to support <3
Dear B, after 4,5 years being a councelor I learned that your predicament is nothing new. Many people around your age are struggling with this, especially in this world nowadays. The first advice I always gave to my clients was to write it all down, therefore giving words to your thoughts and feelings. And so you have!! Usually it will clear up your mind and get more of a grip. And it happened!!
Now for my comment after reading. Partway though I was like “this dame needs to take a week or two off and write” This advice is based off of listening to years of your videos and podcasts. It just seems to have such a deep impact on your mental health. And also maybe finally devote a bit of time to finding a therapist 🥰 I know, easier said than done. Is there anything else from the vault you could pull out and post on the main channel to give you some relief? I don’t think you need our approval, but I give it if you want it ❤️ Hang in there. This year has been pretty shitty for me so far (I live in the Twin Cities) and now that I am out of two months of crisis mode, I’m finding it difficult to find inertia/desire to accomplish anything. I was listening to an old CD yesterday and This Year by The Mountain Goats played and as I sang along, I was like “why are the chorus lyrics to this song still so relevant to my life?” I feel like I shouldn’t still be singing “I’m gonna make it through this year if it kills me” into my late 30s. Yay depression!
I am currently satisfied at imagining your full collection of delicious creations. All the colors, and color shifts lifts my greedy brain into joy. I have partially overcome my fear of insects in order to watch you bead and embroider and decorate. A creator needs their time. My current project is more than a year in with no end in sight. Take the time you need. I for one will await the next frisson of happiness you post.
Wishing you all the best, Bianca.
This is the most poetic and accurate description of being creative yet filled with dread that I've ever encountered; maybe it helps to know this is relatable? But if there's anything I've learned, it's that for better or worse, no one is as aloof, cool, or in control as they seem (or as their social media may seem). And now I think should make some chocolate chip cookies.
Just remember, anything you do, we all love you! Love and light, Christina J Ferree
Listen, we should never have crawled out of the caves. We could have made any kind of society we wanted to and instead we made credit scores. It's rough out there but you're doing great. I wish there was a way Patreon could have like a GoFundMe option where you could add specific needs and we could help with them. Like, for your roof repair or something. Is that a thing? Would you do it if it was? Isn't that what patrons are for?
This!! +
When I was at my lowest, my community stepped up to support me in a hundred insignificant and major ways. I could never possibly pay them back. But they reminded me over and over again that, in fact, my existence is indeed enough. So is yours.
Haven’t read yet, but I laughed at your title because I got a happy anniversary email from Livejournal this week. Apparently I created mine 20 years ago 😬 I don’t use it anymore obviously (when I get emails like this I’m like, Livejournal still exists?!?)