The scrupulous knife

Ikea sells pretty murderous big choppy knives. With murderous names

Goin to the store now. Just realized i got no chuggin' stock.

get you a friend like saucepan

At least someone's got my back.

Anyone who’s ever put a cast iron pan in the oven and then grabbed the handle without thinking knows that those fuckers are out to get us.

Can confirm that murderous intent varies from knife to knife. I have a large and scary-looking chef's knife which is the best knife I've ever owned, and in 30ish years I never cut myself with it once. And I also have -- from the same knife set -- an innocent-looking 3-inch paring knife with which I have cut the absolute shit out of myself on several occasions, including literally when I was first taking it out of its packaging.

Having cut myself on Thanksgiving, I can confirm pots are out to get you.