OnlyFans started deleting my posts because I write too much about my state and use words the platform doesn’t like. It’s ironic, because the more honest you become, the less you’re allowed to say. Writing got harder not because I have no thoughts, but because it feels like I have to filter them before I even understand them myself.
Some updates. I finished my jaw treatment with a gnathologist and now I’m looking for an orthodontist. I go to consultations, pay money, and almost every doctor says the same thing: “it’s a complicated case.” 🥲🥲🥲🥲 Right now it feels like a very expensive way to hear “we don’t want to deal with this.” A bit absurd, honestly.
At the same time, life decided to test me through people. About a week ago, a “friendship” ended which turned out to exist only on my side. We’d been friends for about five years, since I moved to Poland. And suddenly she said she never considered me a friend and has actually seen me as a bad person for years.
How can you smile to my face, spend time with me and never once say that something bothers you?
It hit me hard. I cried, didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to talk to people, because at some point you start wondering: who else is smiling at me right now and thinking something completely different? It’s a very uncomfortable feeling.
I don’t see myself as a bad person. I can make mistakes, I can do things wrong, but I’m always open to talking. If something bothers me, I try to say it. Because closeness is rare, not something you casually throw away.
People are mirrors, but not always honest ones. Sometimes a person doesn’t see you they see their fears, their expectations, their dissatisfaction with themselves. And instead of dealing with that, they start “seeing” it in you. And then you sit there wondering: is that really me?
Overall, life goes on. I’m preparing for a trip to Belarus. On May 9th at 1 AM I’m taking a bus. I’m anxious, as usual these trips are never easy. But I’ll see my grandma.
She’s already waiting for me, and I asked her to make her signature salad she’s been making for me my whole life. The simplest in the world and the hardest to recreate. I tried it doesn’t work. I guess the recipe includes something you can’t buy: care and grandma’s love ❤️🥰