Hi friends. The exam is over.
The conclusion is simple and unpleasant: it was fuckin fuck…
I’m almost sure I failed. I made a mistake in one task of the kind that cancels everything else. The sort of mistake after which the commission doesn’t even check my exam. I was so nervous as if the Earth’s orbit depended on this test.
The preparation and the day itself squeezed me to the state of a lemon someone tried to brew for tea a second time. I am endlessly tired. Even the thought that I still have to keep dealing with all this triggers a mild existential allergy.
Immigrant life isn’t a novel about freedom. It’s a long TV series about paperwork. Taxes, payments, certificates, legalization, more certificates but stamped differently. Sometimes I just want to shut the laptop, board a plane and fly to an island where the hardest bureaucracy is booking a surf lesson. Although I know even there I’ll find Form A-17 and an administrative fee receipt. The world is logical, which somehow makes it worse.
I’m exhausted.
Mentally and physically. A special chapter of this tragicomedy is the dermatitis on my face that has lived with me since October like a tenant who refuses to pay rent. I look in the mirror and an internal monologue starts automatically: useless, stupid, and not even pretty. I understand it’s fatigue and hormones speaking through me. This is not a request for pity, just a status report.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking maybe I’m actually a deeply unhappy and depressed person who simply performs a convincing imitation of normal life. Then I immediately scold myself for ingratitude, because objectively I have things many people would hold onto with both hands.
Occasionally I decide I’m a bad person and a bad artist. Of course I compare myself to others, like any respectable internet user.
Recently I spent three days in near-philosophical frustration after watching a girl with millions of followers endlessly traveling and filming… let’s say questionable content. And at that moment you understand it isn’t about her. It’s that I haven’t gone anywhere for a long time. I miss it physically. I need movement, a change of air, the feeling that life is wider than a to-do list and deadlines. One day I want to leave for a trip around the world and, for a while, stop solving things.
Right now there’s only one clear feeling: deep exhaustion and a need for silence. I don’t want meetings, conversations, explanations. I simply have no energy.
If any of you feel the same, you’re not alone. Things are really hard for me right now too.