Hi everyone. A few days ago I found myself thinking about 2025.

Everyone around is summing things up, wrapping the year into neat conclusions, and I was honestly scared to look back again.

This year was hard for me. Truly hard. Probably comparable only to 2018, when my depression was at its peak. Apparently, it also has its most productive seasons.

This year I lost my Instagram accounts with 80k and 55k followers. The ones I poured so much effort, time, and energy into. I had problems with taxes, paid a fine, and now I live with a very polite but persistent 5,000 dollar debt. At the beginning of the year I found out that inflammation in my jaw had reached my ear canal and that in a few years I might lose my hearing. To slow it down, I need expensive treatment. For the first time in my life, I developed dermatitis on my face. Turns out stress is a very expressive artist. Then came the situation with the apartment and the landlady. I broke down and went on an alсоhol binge, even though I hadn’t drunк for years before that. I had to start working as a courier just to pay the bills. My doctors increased my dose of sedatives and antidepressants because my anxiety decided there was no limit to growth.

So yes, I’m ending this year exhausted, deep in debt, and without much strength left. And yet, there’s something strange about it. I can’t ignore all the beautiful things this year still gave me.

I turned 30 on top of a mountain, with a banana instead of a cake. I looked through a telescope and saw a nebula, Mars, and Saturn. I saw baby whales and the Milky Way. I slept in a tent and in my car, waking up to views that quiet your mind. I finally saw deer. I created my own drawing course. I moved into a new apartment that first felt like a disaster but now feels even more like home than the previous one. I saw Michelangelo’s works in real life and my favorite sculpture, David. I watched countless sunsets and sunrises, starry skies, and the Milky Way again. I started a new Instagram page, and after just two months one reel unexpectedly went viral and reached 500,000 views.

Yes, I’m tired. Yes, it’s hard. And sometimes I honestly don’t know where I find the strength to keep going. There are days when it gets very, very dark. I know there will be more dark days ahead, maybe weeks or months. I know I will be afraid for my future more than once. But I also know that even in all this chaos, there were and will be these brief, fragile moments of happiness. And for them, I will always be grateful.

Sending you all a hug and wishing you a happy New Year 🩷