A New Motivation: Chapter 22

The house was dark and cold by the time I mustered up the courage to seek Akeno out that night. The world outside the walls seemed to be holding its breath as I crept through the silent halls, as if nature itself was anticipating the storm I was about to incite, or merely wishing me luck for the upcoming conversation. 

Akeno’s room was near the back of the house, down a long hallway framed with windows. Shadows played against the walls, darkness dancing in the spots where the light of the moon couldn’t quite reach and only disrupted by my own passing through them, interrupting their silent performance. Wind blew just outside and the only sound to break the silence was the creaking of the wood under my feet as I crept up to the door and gently rapped on its face.

“Akeno?” I called quietly. No answer. Perhaps she was sleeping. I called again, this time a little louder, but still no reply came. Biting my lip, I wondered if it would just be best to wait until morning so I didn’t interrupt her rest, but I almost immediately cast the thought away. I’d put this off for long enough.

“I’m coming in.” I said, offering a silent apology as I twisted the knob. It was unlocked, and I didn’t waste a moment for thought as I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

Akeno’s room was completely empty, completely bereft of any living presence. The bed was perfectly made, as if no soul had ever deigned to grace the room with their warmth, and the only movement came from the wind whispering through the curtains nearby. I approached them. The window was open, and Akeno was missing.

“Did she want some fresh air?” I wondered as I gently moved the curtains aside and peered out into the darkness.

The night was warm and the stars were splayed overhead, appearing as holes poked in a velvet curtain, casting their light down on us alongside the nearly-full moon. Looking around, I spied a figure in the field just beyond the house’s boundary, knees curled to their chest and dark wings wrapped around them as they stared at the sky above. Knowing it had to be her, I unfurled my own wings and cast off into the night, leaving the curtains to flutter softly behind me.

Akeno seemed almost forlorn as she held herself, staring at the stars with a blank look on her face. What was she thinking right now, I wondered. Though her behavior may have been hard on us all, it stemmed from a turmoil deep inside of her, a weight that she’d been carrying all alone for years and years. Did the sight of Azazel make them worse? Or did it just bring all of those buried emotions to the surface, like a bandaid being ripped off a scab that wasn’t quite fully healed, exposing the wound to the unforgiving air? 

Akeno didn’t look at me as I landed softly on the ground beside her, continuing to stare at the stares like they held the answers to the world’s greatest mysteries. Maybe they did, but I ignored them in favor of her. Akeno’s wings were wrapped around her, at least the ones belonging to her Devil side. There was a distinct lack of feathers on the leathery curtains coiled around her. Even when she was alone, she refused to let that part of herself out of its cage. I frowned sadly, before casting my eyes upwards just like my friend.

We sat in silence for a while, watching the stars together in a moment that felt decidedly intimate, before Akeno broke it with a soft question. “Why are you still awake? I thought you’d be long asleep like everyone else.”

“I could ask you the same question.” I responded. “Did you come all the way out here just to stargaze? I know it’s a break and all, but training continues at first light, you know.”

Akeno giggled, adopting the easy smile that had become a permanent fixture on her face. “It is a beautiful night so I decided it would be nice to take a moment to enjoy the fresh air and quiet while it lasts. I needed a place to think.”

“You have a lot on your mind, don’t you?”

“Perhaps.” Aleno’s smile strained but her light tone remained. “Training has taken a toll on all of us and soon enough, we’ll be back in Kuoh attending classes again. I’m afraid that I just don’t have a lot of time to just sit and think anymore with all the fighting and studying.”

We both knew that was a lie. Akeno had nothing but time to herself these past few days with how she’d been avoiding everyone outside of training. The moment they were free for the day, she was always running off on her own to avoid Azazel or the reminder that he was even here. Nobody knew what she was doing, but we all knew she was alone in it.

I didn’t voice my thoughts, looking towards the sky again as the silence stretched. Akeno seemed reassured that her lie had worked and she joined me, tightening her wings around her body in some vague expression of comfort. 

“Are you okay, Akeno?”

She stiffened immediately. Her smile returned, even more strained as she struggled to keep up the act. “I’m… just fine, Nero. Just frustrated with my lack of progress recently. Compared to the rest of you, it feels like I’m improving at a snail’s pace. I’m sorry if my attitude this past week has been concerning, but you don’t have anything to worry about.”

I frowned at the deflection. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

For the first time since I got here, Akeno actually regarded me fully, and I nearly flinched at the coldness in her eyes. Her expression was tight, eyes crinkled into sharpened spikes as she cast her faux smile towards me. “No. I don’t think I do. Perhaps you could explain exactly what the problem is.”

Both her expression and tone told me that I was treading on thin ice and I swallowed as I lost the urge to speak. Conversations between Akeno and I were always light, usually unserious and casually flirty as we poked fun at one another. The topic I was broaching was a sharp upheaval from our usual back and forth and this was her way of warning me that I didn’t want to walk down this path with her.

Heeding that warning would have been easy, and I was sure that once this trip was over and we were back in Kuoh, her behavior would return to normal and our interactions would go right back to what they had been, like none of this ever happened. But that wouldn’t help her, so for her sake, I forged ahead regardless, diving directly to the root of the issue before I could regret it.

“It’s Azazel, isn’t it?”

Akeno giggled as if that were a given. “He has a way of getting under your skin, doesn’t he? I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated with someone.”

“No, Akeno. That’s not–”

I took a breath, shifting my body to face Akeno completely, trapping her attention and leaving her eyes with nowhere to wander but towards my own. Akeno’s gaze sparkled in the moonlight, entrancing pools of dark amethyst that always had a habit of drawing my own. In any other circumstance, I’d be more than happy to admire them more closely, but this was important. I couldn’t get distracted.

“This isn’t about Azazel, not really.” I said. “It’s about you/ We’ve all noticed what’s going on, Akeno. We’re worried about you. This stuff with your family and Fallen Angels in general, it’s clearly hurting you.”

“Ah.” Akeno’s face went completely blank, shuttering off like a switch had been flicked. “So that’s what this is about. I suppose I should have seen this coming. I always had a feeling you knew, but I didn’t think you’d be the one to try and talk to me about this.”

I swallowed as the tense but still friendly air between us faded completely. The veil of my intentions had been lifted and now Akeno’s mask had dropped completely, leaving behind a glimpse of the raw emotions she’d been suppressing.

“Would you rather it be Rias?” I asked softly.

“...I don't know.”

It almost hurt to see her look at me like that but I braved ahead regardless. “Look, I won’t say that I know what you’re going through, but I probably have a better idea than anyone except for Rias, and I understand what will happen if you keep bottling this up like you have been. You can’t keep going on like this.”

“You’re right, Nero, you don’t know what I’m going through.” Akeno said coldly. “You might have the picture, but the feelings are mine to deal with. And that means I get to choose how I deal with them.”

“Akeno–”

“Go back inside, Nero. I’m not talking about this right now.”

She turned away as if the conversation was over but I wasn't done. I came this far, I wasn't going to be dissuaded so easily.

“I'm not leaving until you talk to me.” I insisted. “Are you really going to spend the rest of your life hating yourself for something you can’t control? You don’t have to keep carrying this burden alone.”

“Burden?” Akeno repeated, whipping around with blazing eyes. “Do you mean the burden of being a filthy crow? The same type of person who, by their very nature, has betrayed their very virtues? Or perhaps you’re referring to the burden of the hatred I rightly feel towards the man directly responsible for my mother’s death! I don’t need your pity, Nero, and I definitely don’t want to hear some speech about how misguided I am.”

“Baraquiel–”

“Don’t say his name!”

The air between us seemed to crackle as Akeno shot to her feet, glaring down at me with barely-suppressed anger. I swallowed, standing much slower so that I was eye level. “Your dad wasn’t there, but his absence wasn’t the reason your mom died. Your family are the ones that decided that one of their own marrying a Fallen Angel was a sin worthy of death. They’re the ones you should be angry at, not him!”

A stray spark jumped from Akeno’s shoulder, lashing out at the air around us as she stared coldly. “You don’t get to tell me who I should be angry at, Nero.”

“That’s not what I was trying to say.” I defended. “Look, I understand you’re hurting but–”

“And stop saying you understand!” Akeno was almost shouting right now, but she backed away as her anger grew, thankfully sparing me any unpleasant shocks. “You don’t understand anything! You might know what happened but you weren’t there! You can’t understand the pain of knowing that these wings are the reason my mother was slaughtered in front of me!”

Akeno’s wings, hidden away when she originally stood, burst from her back once more. This time, their appearance was accompanied by a handful of dark feathers, fluttering to the ground in lazy circles. I took a step back as her mismatched wings spread high into the sky, quivering with Akeno’s rampant emotions, and Akeno looked at me defiantly. 

“That man is the sole reason for all of my torment.” She said in a low tone as she regained control of herself. “He came into my mother’s life, seduced her, defiled her, and left her to die at the hands of the Himejima clan. And I am cursed to live with an eternal reminder of his actions stapled to my back, so don’t you dare tell me that I can’t hate him!”

“I don’t have a problem with you hating him! But you don’t just hate him; you hate yourself too, and I definitely have a problem with that!” I cried, causing her to flinch. A moment passed between us as she regarded me. Confusion warred with anger and sadness in her eyes and her expression was so pitiful that I couldn’t help it. I took a step forward, heedless of the magic running wild around her, and reached out to her. Static passed between her fingers, shocking me with a snap, but she didn’t resist as I grabbed her hand in my own, looking at her imploringly.

“If you want to hate your father for not being there, then fine. Hate him! Hate him for being absent, hate your family for killing her and hunting you like an animal–hell, hate me for dredging up all of these memories! But don’t hate yourself for something you don’t have any control over. Your mom loved you, all of you. Can’t you do the same?”

Wind whistled through the silent night as Akeno just sort of stared at me, the air crackling with the whispers of magical residue. Then, a bitter laugh escaped from her throat and she wrenched her hand from my grip, stepping back and holding her hand as if my touch burned her more than her lightning burned me just a moment ago.

“You act like that changes anything.” Her voice seemed to tremble as she stared at her hand. “You want me to love myself? How could I possibly do that knowing my existence is a mistake, that the blood of those foul creatures runs through my veins? My mother loved me, yes, but look where that got her!”

Her wings flared wide again, sending even more feathers fluttering towards my feet. “I’m a tainted abomination, Nero. Filthy. Your words don’t change the fact that I carry the blood of the man who ruined everything.”

“Your blood doesn’t make you who you are!” I shouted, cutting through her spiraling monologue. I closed the distance she put between us, refusing to let her pull away from me. “Just because you think you were born wrong, doesn’t mean that’s true. We’re the results of our choices, not the choices of those that came before us.”

Akeno froze, her breath hitching in her throat as I grabbed her hand again. Her eyes flickered between it and my face as I entwined our fingers, brimming with uncertainty.

“You think those wings on your back are a curse, but you’re wrong.” I lifted a hand to gently brush her cheek, keeping her attention on me instead of our proximity. She didn’t pull away, though her body was drawn as tight as a bowstring. 

“You might have his blood running through you, but you’re not him.”  I said softly, trying to get through to her. “Or your family for that matter. You’re Akeno Himejima: Queen of Rias Gremory and a student at Kuoh Academy. You’re my friend… and someone I care about very dearly.”

I didn’t give myself time to overthink as I leaned in, tilting my head and bringing my lips against hers. The kiss was soft and lingering, but there was more behind it than a mere connection of flesh and feelings as the wind whistled between the two of us. 

For a heartbeat, Akeno remained completely rigid, her wing stiff with surprise in the air behind her, but then a shudder seemed to run through her. Her eyes fluttered shut and the power that she’d been unconsciously letting loose throughout this encounter disappeared completely.

I wasn’t sure how long we remained like that, but when I finally pulled away, her wings were gone and she was staring at me again. Her violet eyes were wet, swimming with emotions I wasn’t equipped to untangle, but the tears didn’t fall as she looked down at our connected hands again.

“It’s not that easy, Nero.” She whispered, voice thick and halting. “I can’t just stop hating them just like that.”

“I’m not asking you to.” I said softly. My heart was beating a mile a minute at what I just did, but the girl in front of me took precedence. “I just want to help you stop hating yourself. This isn’t about them, it’s about you. Curse them to hell – whatever – but don’t follow them down just because you think you’re some kind of monster. We’re here for you… I’m here for you.”

For a long moment, Akeno didn’t respond, and I worried that this all had been for nothing. Finally though, she seemed to come to a decision, closing her eyes and inhaling softly.

“I’ll try.” She finally said, releasing a shaky breath into the wind. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating them, but if it's for you all… I’ll try to stop hating myself, at least.”

“That’s all I ask for.” I said, slowly stroking her cheek.

Her lips tilted upwards into a rare smile at my actions, and she looked down at my hand, a spark of mischief returning to her eyes. 

“So should I take this as a confession?”

“That… wasn’t really what I had planned when I followed you out here.” I admitted, my voice slightly sheepish. I didn’t pull away though, and she didn’t ask me to. Instead, my thumb traced the outline of her jaw, lingering against her soft skin. “I came here to help you stop tearing yourself apart but…” I chuckled softly, “I guess I got a little carried away. I’m not gonna take it back, though.”

Akeno watched me, eyes glistening with unshed tears. The anger and decades-old sorrow that had been there before had diminished, replaced with her usual mischief, but it was fragile. A thin layer of happiness over the trauma of her past.

“You have terrible timing.” She muttered as she leaned into my palm, gaze searching. “Confessing to me in the middle of a breakdown? It’s like something out of an old romance novel. Are you going to sweep me away to your bedroom for our own little happy ending?”

I coughed, feeling heat spread over my cheeks. There was the Akeno I knew. She was probably just teasing me as a defense mechanism, a comfort after so many raw emotions had been spilled to the surface, but it was a sign that she was better than before, at the very least.

“I don’t think either of us are in the right headspace for something like that.” I said, stroking her cheek. “Maybe give it a day or two, see how you feel when you’ve had some time to think. Then feel free to come find me.”

She pouted. “You tease… I’ll be sure to punish you for this later.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.”

I pulled away and she followed me as I sat down on the grassy knoll, keeping our hands connected as we returned to our previous positions, this time much closer and without the leather barrier between us. Leaning her head against my shoulder, she let out a heavy sigh, and I wrapped an arm around her as we returned to watching the stars together.