Live like no one is watching
They say, so I’ve heard, the best way to write something outstanding is to write like no one is reading it. If we write under the influence of ulterior motives, then we don't write with authenticity. Integrity. Honesty. If we can't be honest in our own journals, who can we be honest for?
The criticisms of others, whether imagined or real are equally as poignant. I often feel self conscious about how I appear to others. Both creatively and of course; physically.
Why am I so particularly obsessed with perfectionism? And why do I feel stupid even asking myself this question?
Am I intimidated by the question it the answer?
Perfectionism can act as our own protector.
Setting and maintaining a standard protects us from failure, embarrassment, shame, fear... If we consistently work at maintaining a certain standard, we know what to expect.
The outcome is predictable and a level of control is restored within. Perfectionism has acted as a form of control in my life when I
felt most other aspects were far beyond my grasp.
I stopped eating when I felt most insecure and out of my depths. To be able to starve yourself like that takes a lot of power. Power I felt I was otherwise void of. But it is powerful, especially to a young girl when you stop eating and start noticing your bones. Hip bones. I still couldn't live without my hip bones. I remember reading in an issue of 'teen vogue' when I was 13 about the 'bikini bridge trend; when your panties are suspended between your two hip bones, without touching the skin on your abdomen. Creating a sort of bridge. That's perfection I thought. And every night when Ilay in bed I walk my fingers across my own bikini bridge.
I know beauty standards are toxic now, made so much worse by the widespread commonality of the cosmetic surgery industry. I can't spend a day on social media without seeing targeted advertisements for ‘non invasive' cosmetic surgeons on my feed.
But at least cosmetic surgery is elitist and in that respect, exclusionary.
Unattainable for young girls. Anyone can starve themselves.
That's what we did in the 2000's. Back when older people got cosmetic surgery to look young. Now young people get cosmetic surgery to look, old?
Everything is so meta in 2023. So self referential it's irritating. Perfectionism has become less about individual success and more about heard mentality. If everyone is the same then is anyone special anymore? Is anyone perfect if everyone is perfect? Can we all be perfect in our own way? Yes! Of course we can. But that's not what's sold to us. You won't hear anybody preaching that, unless they're trying to sell you plus size jeans! In which case being different has too become a selling point.
Manufacture insecurities, manufacture Solution$.
Can we live like nobody is watching us?
I don't think we can anymore. Social media means we watch ourselves through our own phone lens. As women, we view ourselves through the eyes of a man, watching a women
(Margaret Atwood). Performing femininity for ourselves, we propagate our own imprisonment.
Is femininity imprisonment? No. But male fantasy imprisons females; Margaret Atwood tells us 'even pretending we aren't catering to a male fantasy is a male fantasy. META META METAA