Klonopin, interrupted

Real ones will get the reference lol

I spent last weekend ensconced in bed, eating six vegan Crosstown doughnuts at a time— Deliverooed from across town, while watching the rain with one eye and movies with the other. Luckily, both my window and TV are in clear view when I’m hauled up in bed, surfing the crimson wave. Yes that last part was written by Cher from Clueless.

There’s something deeply nostalgic about the sound of rainfall. It reminds me of childhood camping in the purple Volkswagen— summer rain bouncing off the metal roof as I slept in the pop-up. Glastonbury was always wet and muddy. My favourite part was peeling dried mud off my skin, now the thought of that makes my skin crawl.

I didn’t write at all last week because I was dealing with pmdd and then my period—which, in combination with the rest of my health (feels ironic to call it that) creates a pretty awful triple threat. You guys know. You’ve read me complain about my hormones more times than I can probably remember writing. It’s shit. I get two good weeks a month, two bad, and repeat. And let’s not kid ourselves either— the so-called “good weeks” aren’t actually that good.

But I digress.

The Seroquel fog is finally starting to resolve, I’m slowly beginning to feel myself again. However, even in that short timeframe, Seroquel has definitely messed with my brain chemistry. I used to take Klonopin without any noticeable side effects— no drowsiness, no memory loss… But now? I’m experiencing both! After four years of taking klonopin as needed, it has never made me this drowsey! I take a conservative dose, a couple days a week. There is no reason why it should. Worse still, the actual anti-anxiety effect of Klonopin appears to have diminished alongside this increased somnolence.

At first, I thought perhaps my Klonopin wasn’t working because my baseline anxiety had spiked since coming off Seroquel. That may still be true. But I have also come to learn that Seroquel can alter the way your brain responds to medication. Experiencing new side effects and reduced therapeutic effects (from benzos) is a known possibility with Seroquel according to my research— and yet, no one warned me. Honestly, thank god for the internet or I’d be completely in the dark and still gaslighting myself that I am somehow to blame…

But seriously, it is terrible. My distrust in psychiatrists only grows. I appreciate that they can’t caution you about every single risk, but they often do the opposite: reassure you that nothing bad will happen and you’ll be totally fine. Which is always a lie! Losing anxiety relief from benzos because of a medication I took for two weeks is very much not fine. I’m properly pissed off.

Apparently, this should improve in time now that I’ve stopped taking Seroquel, which I did a few weeks ago. I suppose I just need to be patient. Maybe I should cut back on Klonopin as much as possible, too —though that won’t be easy. My brain requires a factory reset! What a fucking nightmare this has all been.

That new and terrible issue aside, I have actually been feeling more like myself again. Honestly, what was I even thinking taking Seroquel? Well, I was hoping it might actually help reduce my anxiety. Instead, it’s made my anxiety worse and made me seemingly immune to benzos anti-anxiety effects. Ugh. You cannot make this shit up. I haven’t even posted a single matcha cup pic on Insta in the last few days—that’s when you really know something’s off. Lord help me.

Yesterday began at 6am— the one upside to being awake so early is catching those old Scooby-Doo episodes on TV. I lounged in bed watching them while eating my dark chocolate-covered almonds. I am not an “almond mum”, but Jesus, I eat a lot of almonds. I’ve been craving them non-stop lately—easily five 80g bags a week. I go out of my way to make sure I have a steady supply stocked in my bedroom. I guess it’s my latest food obsession.

Afterwards, I ran myself a bubble bath, styled my freshly washed hair and headed out for my 9am massage. These weekly massages are such a great idea— better than therapy, cheaper too! Taking a more holistic approach to life is definitely the way forward.

My psychiatrist really broke my trust recently. Acting in a way that was not only rule-breaky and unprofessional, but genuinely hurtful. I hate it when you build a rapport with someone, only for them to use it against you. I hadn’t done anything wrong— actually, she had. She got in trouble for it, yet she made it my issue. That’s all I’ll say on that for now…

It’s Saturday morning and I’ve written (and edited) this in perhaps thirty minutes, mostly to procrastinate getting out of bed.

Have a great weekend everyone!