Not snake oil

I’ve been using CBD oil as an experimental emotional support tool this week. After yet another failed attempt to manage my anxiety (without benzos) through tablet-trial-and-error —emphasis on error, I’ve crossed off antidepressants, atypical antidepressants, antipsychotics, amphetamines—everything I’ve been prescribed, except benzos, obvi. Once again, I’m whining about prescription drugs. At this point, you should know what you’re in for.

I appreciate it must be a little exhausting reading post after post of me complaining about side effects, symptoms and medication. I don’t blame you for thinking so.

I wouldn’t be so desperate if I didn’t feel like I’d exhausted meaningful ways to help myself. I guess it’s in my nature—both reparative and repetitive—to keep trying to articulate how it feels to have a brain that’s stuck in a glitch, endlessly looping, ruminating on symptoms and chasing (potential) cures.

But as I’m sure my unappealing repetition makes painfully clear, this is my real life. I’m not just dealing with mental illness—I’m kinda haunted by it all. Not only am I afflicted by the I can fix him mentality but also its sister curse: I can fix me. I hold myself accountable, sometimes too much, and I think it shows in my obsessive relationship with my mental health. At this point, my brain is it’s own special interest. So meta.

Meanwhile, real life is passing me by. And I’m more than painfully aware of that. There’s something horrifying about the feeling that I’m spending what feels like my entire life just trying to get back to baseline “normal”. That’s why I like to docoment it all though, so that perhaps others can learn or simply feel comforted by any similitude. No one talks about this stuff, and I hope that I can make a difference in lives, culture. Or even just a difference in my own life by expelling it all from brain to text form. Somehow lightening the load. —I write as if no one is reading, and the moment I hit post I try to forget I ever did. If I go out of my way to acknowledge and realise how vulnerable I’m being into the void, it makes me feel a bit sick.

I always assumed CBD oil to be this decades snake oil. Perhaps unfairly, I just figured that if it were really effective, people would be raving about it—or at least talking about it more. I believed anything that can be bought otc in a new age wellness shop isn’t gunna be strong enough to fix any problems I have. However, this past week, suffering rebound anxiety from coming off Seroquel, CBD oil popped into my peripheral as I wandered through my local H&B. I decided I should try some, selecting the cutest —and strongest looking bottle I could find: Trip’s 1000MG orange Blossom and chamomile CBD oil. A Baby pink bottle, 60mg per full 1ml dropper. I supplemented this by ordering a bunch of those natural CBD drinks to arrive with my weekly Ocado shop too. Because I don’t do things by halves.

Though, to contradict myself— I started with half a dropper (30mg) under the tongue in the evening, followed by a 15-30mg drink. Then I graduated to a full dropper (60mg). The past two days I’ve added a morning dose too… I really wasn’t expecting anything to happen, but my brain enjoys the novelty of a new routine so I stuck with it.

Excuse the way I tore into this box lol.

To my surprise, after a couple days the unbearable panic I’d been experiencing concluded. I still feel anxious, of course, but that sickly pre-panic attack awfulness melted away.

This is extremely surprising to me because my anxiety is a huge deal. I’ve dealt with cripplingly bad anxiety for over a decade, diagnosed to be complex PTSD. Spanning in its origin from childhood medical trauma. I’m very familiar with how my anxiety feels, so whether I notice even just a small dent in it, I pay attention. The CBD has caught my attention.

Since the realisation that this oil could actually be helping, I’ve been doing little top-up mini doses throughout the day in addition to my morning and night routine. I have no idea if I’m taking a reasonable amount of CBD, I am not a cannabis person. London weed tends to be horrible, so I never really smoked it. —Though I always enjoy Dutch and American edibles when on holiday. —Minus that one time I experienced a huge ego death while watching The house bunny in Amsterdam after ignoring the sensible advice to not eat the whole brownie— it just tasted too good.

So I have no idea if I’m taking stupidly large amount? I’m generally open to advice on this, however I also listen to my body with these things and have done enough drugs to know what ‘bad feelings’ to look out for. Though I absolutely do not recommend you take any advice from me. I know my own body very well, everyone is different. As my psychiatrist is always reminding me: I have very complex issues lol.

*Edit, when taking a picture of the box for this blog post I realised it clearly says not to exceed 1ml a day. Though I have spoken to my American weed shop friend, who has since reassured me that it’s safe to take as much as I have been. So I’m all good!!

But yeah! As I said, it’s not the anxiety that the cbd has gotten rid of, but the panic. Which in some ways is better. Because the whole anxiety I have about my anxiety is that I’m going to have a horrific panic attack, especially a fear in public places. — And that’s not just an irrational fear, it happens at least weekly. I have chronic panic attacks and that’s why benzos are so integral to me navigating normal life. But I am always looking for non-benzo solutions too as I can’t take benzos every day unfortunately. —So I’m genuinely interested to see if my anxiety can reduce at all with this new oil regime!

It’s still hot and sweaty here in London. I’m currently riding one of our few dreamy-air-conditioned train lines while I edit this post and honestly, I don’t want to get off at my stop!