Strange comforts

One of my strange little comforts is watching celebrity autopsy documentaries. There’s a particularly good series I’m obsessed with: Autopsy: The Last Hours Of... To my immense pleasure, there are a bunch of episodes floating around on YouTube. Though I used to watch them years ago on ITV catch-up! What one quickly realises when you deep-dive into the deaths of the famous is that nearly all of them—artists, actors, icons—were on something. Usually everything. Prescription meds, illicit substances—there’s always a pharmacological cocktail in the mix. I get all nerdy and excited when the toxicology reports come up. In another life I’d have deffo been a drug scientist. I’m pretty sure all celebrities are on drugs, even the ones who don’t die in ways horrific enough to warrant a documentary. Maybe that’s shaped by my worldview bias, growing up in London, immersed in festival scenes, music culture, dating musicians and dealers. Who knows…

For one reason or another (in hindsight, deffo beginning with my pre-teen Kurt Cobain obsession) I’ve always had this particularly intense fixation with drugs and pop culture. Esp when someone dies to become a glossy pin-up martyr. When I thought I wanted to go to fashion school, I submitted an essay entitled “High Fashion: Fashion’s Seamless Affiliation with Drug Use.” It wasn’t half-bad. I should probably dig it out of the archives. I remember writing about the infamous cocaine runway in Cocaine Nights by Andrew Groves, among other things…

Sometimes I wish I had more wholesome, happy little interests. Then again, I kind of do. I love vintage Barbie dolls and I’m super excited to one day be a wife and mother— though I need a husband first. But we all have our strangeness. Some people have it disciplined out of them, perhaps. While others have it cultivated. I suspect a dash of mental illness helps.

This autumn, I’m returning to university to study Politics, Philosophy and Economics—an attempt to tether myself to something real and expand my intellectual and financial horizons. In recent years I’ve bagun to take the pursuit of self-education seriously. Society tends to reduce beautiful women to just that—beauty—and I might have tolerated that if I didn’t feel like I had something meaningful to prove to myself. Politics feels urgent and relevant, now more than ever! I mean look at the state of things. I’m craving a challenge that makes my brain stretch and expand. And truthfully I’m not even nervous. I’ve got meds for that! …Though I could always have more.

…

Last summer, before taking Zoloft, I tried Seroquel for just over a week (documented the whole saga in this very blog actually!) Though I was super scared by the potential side effects, I actually tolerated this drug really well. In fact, compared to the Zoloft I went on to try, the Seroquel really was a piece of cake. Sure I was petrified of gaining weight and perhaps the permanent brain damage (I’m not kidding). But I didn’t actually experience any negative side effects, quite the opposite actually. Once I got over the dizzying sledge-hammer-sedation I grew in a short time to love it. — I mean sure, I was starving myself out of fear that I would put on weight, but I do that without being on meds sometimes!

Lately, I’ve been falling back into obsessive drug research—partly out of compulsion, partly out of necessity. While also consulting with my always super helpful psychiatrist. Things feel off again and I really just can’t tolerate bad feelings. Bad is too much, too scary. My good days are your bad days. So my bad days are like, Hell. Not to sound like an emo tumblr quote from 2014. But it’s true. When I admit to feeling bad, I’m at a threshold I’m certain most people never reach. Obviously this is super sub optimal and scary. So I take it upon myself to fix myself. No one else can!

After all my thoughtful chewing, I’ve decided I’m going to go back on Seroquel and give it a proper spin. Not give up out of fear of potential side effects. I’m stronger than that now. When I was on Zoloft I literally couldn’t orgasm!!! That was insane. I feel I can handle literally any experience now after how bad my time on Zoloft felt.

Let’s see…