Unapologetically- always- moi
I’ve never claimed to live a desirable life. I’m aware and don’t shy away from my privilege and all the ways I am truly lucky. I confess, I carefully construct a desirable image, especially since becoming sober ‘rebeanding’ myself in the eyes of people who knew me before, as well as people who I’m yet to meet feels important . I’ve come a long way from the person I used to be, dressing differently is just a small part of signalling this. My skinniness may look sickly sometimes, but generally even my body has changed to reflect the changes in my lifestyle.
I tend to live life regretting nothing, feeling shame for nothing. When I look back at some of my very first posts on this blog, that girl is an unfamiliar spectacle to me. She is someone I see as a separate entity to myself. Someone who was working her shit out and whom really I would love to hug. I don’t shy away from the fact that I once was her. But I don’t want this to be held against me either. Though we share the same skin, we are worlds apart both physically, mentally — and chemically!
It’s taken years for me to get where I am today, I realise this sentence is a great cliche, but there are no other words to say it. I am by no means perfect - a word my therapist positively bans me from using when speaking about myself - Nobody is. I’m sure I write about the concept of perfection often. It’s a concept that both haunts and drives me. Being perfect is a funny one too, seeing as perfection is at least a little bit subjective. Though I do know at least how to appease the male gaze, and that’s half the battle won. I’ve always been so preoccupied by perfection because I always felt incomplete. The idea of being perfect signifies a wholeness.
Though I’ve learnt it’s the imperfect nuances in a persons appearance and/or personality that truly makes them something that actually transcends perfection. To simply be perfect is one thing, but being perfect because you are unapologetically you - imperfections and all. That’s something all together better. When we love someone, it is those little nuances that make them so distinctive to us, so desirable — so irreplaceable.
Perfection can be replicated in an almost formulaic fashion, imperfection is something you’re born with.
I’m learning to embrace my imperfections. I will always be neurotically narcissistic in a way that is only slightly offputting if you’re really paying attention to my vanity. But that works for me. I hold high standards for myself and shoot me, I don’t think that is always a bad thing. But when it comes to what’s on the inside, I have learnt to embrace my imperfections with warmth and compassion. As stated in the first paragraph, I will never be ashamed of the ashes I rose from. My past shaped me into becoming who I am today. Without all of the mistakes, I wouldn’t have the wisdom I have now. I wouldn’t be so personable without my bucket loads of human empathy. I wouldn’t be so understanding of all people if I hadn’t have yearned for that same understanding from others at some earlier point in my life.
I don’t publicise personal information for attention or my five seconds of fame. I share the things I write about in hopes that my words find my people. It warms me to know that my writing touches so many of you. I will never not write about the hard stuff -and I’m not talking horny- I mean it for reals. It’s the hard hitting subject matter that I’m sure provokes some people to wonder; why would she share something like this? That needs to be spot-lit the most. Shining light on taboo, uncomfortable subject matter is what this blog was born from. I will never shy away from my truth, that is something I say with pride.