2024, fuck you!
Often I experience this almost rage like desire to write and overwhelming frustration when I can’t stick to a great posting schedule like I was somehow able to do during the summer holidays! - Coupled with an Elvanse crash this feels infuriating. So I pop a dex in order to level out the latter half of my day.
I start typing up in the notes on my phone and… is it just me or is the keyboard sticking? Why does it seem slower than usual? Maybe I’m just moving faster than usual?… Oh the world is against me I sigh. I hate self pity.
Christmas is less than a week away and unlike most years when the relatives congregate at my family home, this year it’s just my parents and I. We have our family traditions - indulging in a horror movie on Christmas Day - a little bit antichrist of us, I know. But it’s great to indulge in some comforting juxtaposition.
I’m grinding my teeth as I wait for this dex to kick in. ADHD meds are great, until they stop working. Then I feel paranoid and tense. Violently, I chew on a magnesium vitamin gummy, I’m down to the last few in this bottle and you can taste it…
I’m still on the horse! My late summer depression -the catalyst being my first sober reading festival- wore me down and disrupted my -hanging on by threads- normalcy. But since stopping the Zoloft I believe I must have reset my brain with all that chemical warfare.
These last few years I’ve expended so many violent ‘downs’ and ‘ups’ that simply flatlined. It’s crazy how two years can feel so meaningless and yet still cause you so much pain!!
I’m so ready for 2024 to expire. Usually I hate New Year’s Eve as they have a track record of being at best, terrible and at worst, traumatising…
Last year my dinner reservation was ‘lost’ in the system, resulting in messy tears outside mallow.
The year prior my phone was stolen from my bag on the tube. Then we took mushrooms and I cried all night.
The year prior to that I took mdma alone while you slept downstairs - you were working New Year’s Day.
The year before that I had a huge cocaine blow out, where I spent the evening and morning snorting my name -written in coke- over and over off a dinner plate. E-L-L-A. Before going into psychosis for 48 hours, hallucinating my mother and entire conversations with her in my fiends apartment.
The year before this I took too many benzos home alone and slept through everything. This looser I was dating banged on my door for hours, he was so angry at me for missing nye he never spoke to me again lol.
And the year before that an awful ex gave me a busted lip and bruises… SO FUN!
My nye portfolio is DIRE okay, which is why it feels so important to break the chain!!
Jesus, reminiscing on some of those I do realise, I am a different person these days. I used to be so unrecognisably unstable. I can’t help but reflect on the progress I have made.
Even dead years like 2024, I mustn’t discount. This year being my first year free from illegal drugs since… I started doing drugs lol. That’s a huge deal - and was a mountain to climb. I suppose years like these are ultimately the building blocks to an amazing healthy, happy future.
Maybe years like this aren’t so bad - or maybe my dex has just kicked in.
Seasons greetings!