For the past 10 years I’ve been deliberately starving myself BUT I’m not scared of calories anymore
You wanna know what’s crazy? I downloaded my fitness pall - the prolific calorie and marco counting app when I was fucking 13 years old. (I realised that’s ten years ago now!! I’ve counted calories for basically 50% of my life and YES I medically stunted my growth because of it lol not funny but also slay I love being 5’2). I remember it so well because all my friends were doing it too!!! It was super trendy on skinny girl ‘fitness’ YouTube. As well as plugged shamelessly on eating disorder tumblr that didn’t even pretend to be heathy. # Proanna was always my top search on tumblr, followed my # thinspo. I downloaded my fitness pal onto my mums old iPhone that I had jailbroken and used with a cheap SIM card, way before I downloaded instagram. My phone case was in the shape of a jumbo 3D rubber cat, from Claire’s accessories. And I was starving myself.
I learnt at age 13 from tumblr that 1000 calories was a high calorie diet (it isn’t). I learnt that that was my daily calorie limit, but coming under it was better. It has remained set as my fitness pal goal to this very day. Honestly at this point I am scared to change it and this is something I should probably address but never will. And though I STILL I adhere to it as best as I can. As you can see lol. It’s lost meaning to me over the years. Like sure it’s great if I’m close to it. But if my cal intake is more, it isn’t a big deal like it used to be.
To say my eating disorder hasn’t improved over the last decade would be a lie. A few years ago, just after Covid someone close to me taught me the absolute joy in eating out at restaurants, something pre-Covid Ella would never have done. Becoming vegan and taking it really seriously was definitely the turning point in healing my relationship with food. Becoming vegan meant I could still be obsessive and very deliberate with my eating. But rather than obsess about silly things, just obsess about being vegan. Which although is super easy to do now, it wasn’t so easy when I first started. It was definitely a more restrictive diet back then than it is now. And the fact that it is a lot easier to eat delicious vegan junk food now is a great thing!!
Now days I don’t eat 1000 calories every day, I eat more. Though I never knowingly let myself eat over 2000 calories, not if I’m tracking. If I’m tracking (which I do every day unless I’m eating at a restaurant or ordering takeout) then I usually average 13-1500. HOWEVER, and it’s a big however. These days I let myself get takeout once or twice a week, when I do that sure I don’t know the calories. But I know it’s a lot! I order in an unlimited way and I love that I can do that! Same when I go to a restaurant, it’s almost an ignorance is bliss situation, if I don’t have to know the calories then I’ll genuinely eat a gigantic three course meal, happily sharing 4-5 starters, 3 mains courses and 3 desserts with just one other person. I think because my body is just always fucking hungry, when I allow it to eat, I can eat. And that’s scary right! Knowing I can consume so much food so easily is a scary thing! Because it’s like, imagine if I let myself do that every day. I’d gain so much weight! But the way I have found solace and peace with food is literally just by being so limitless and careless and indulging in food so much that it makes me feel sick. And then it sort of quenches me…. Kind of a binge , starve pattern… lol when I say it like that it doesn’t sound so heathy. But really it’s like exposure therapy. And even tho I do pull back after a binge. The binge shows me that eating food is nothing to be scared of… it’s actually fucking great!
Especially since becoming sober, a food binge is the closest thing to a drug binge I can get.
And you know what, in recent months, this past year especially, I’ve been eating a lot more. My average is getting higher. I find myself more hungry than ever to be honest. And I don’t ignore my body anymore.
…You wanna know what the most amazing thing is,here is some hope for you guys. Yes I still count calories , yes I still restrict , BUT… I DONT FEEL GUILTY IF/WHEN I eat more than what feels safe. I can also eat my fear foods now without feeling guilt (and fear) too!!
Whereas before I’d never be able to go over my safe 1k. Now it’s like, my goal is always 1k, but I don’t feel bad about myself if I go over it. I don’t get food guilt. I know I’m more than capable of loosing weight when I want too, believe me. I’m a pro. I can do it easily and that week I was on Seroquel and starved myself to a skeleton is living proof lol. So I’m just not scared of gaining weight anymore!!!! In part this may be down to convincing myself that to maintain my fucking sexy tits and ass I do actually need to eat, and convincing myself every time I binge that it’s going to my ass so it doesn’t matter is deffo a state of delusion I live in. Bread, oil and potatoes also used to terrify me, when I say I didn’t eat these things for a good six years that is me exaggeration. But now I cannnnn!
And I beleive this is all through crazy exposure therapy eating out four times a week every week for a good solid couple of years with a loved one after the pandemic. He helped me fall in love with food again. Food was the love language of our relationship. And you know what, I was eating way more but I didn’t gain any significant weight! I have a rule and as long as I can always see my hipbones then I’m happy!
But also, I’m not gunna lie to you, being vegan is a godsend!! Being vegan you just naturally by default are healthier! You consume less gross shit that your body isn’t even supposed to be eating, like dairy! I don’t wanna make this a pro vegan rant because I’m not about that, but mammals aren’t supposed to consume dairy past infancy. Milk is full of fat (and pus!) because it’s supposed to fatten up babies. Dairy is also addictive because it’s contains much of the love hormone - oxytocin. This is because when a baby drinks its mother’s milk, oxytocin helps the baby form a loving bond with its mother. It’s addictive, like literally crack. So people overconsume it. I could tell you for days why just being vegan will make you sexy and skinny. But I don’t need too there is already an amazing book out there called skinny bitch.
Honestly I think I wrote this in another life, it’s a diet book that masquerades as a bitchy diet book that is in fact a pro-Vegan Bible. It’s also super smart! You’ll learn a lot of scary realities about meat, eggs, dairy etc that honestly are fucking disgusting.
I digress tho, I genuinely don’t care if you’re vegan or not. I care about meeeeeee!!!! This blog is about me and my thoughts. You do as you wish! I’m just saying if you want to be like me and maybe also help your eating disorder, feel sexier, happier, healthier and more in tune with humanity. Veganism is a great help.
Back on topic-
Because I am new, no guilt (re calories) Ella, I was still feeling hungry this evening, so I made myself a bowl of granola and almond milk, putting my cals up much higher than I’d like. But I also just don’t care, yay!
Todays new total.
You want to know what I’ve changed the most about the way I eat over this last decade? Now I really care about the nutritional quality and the value of the food I’m eating. Whereas before I used to focus on eating the lowest calorie foods, now I focus on eating the most nutritionally valuable foods and incorporating so-called Super foods into my diet every single day . as well as completely avoiding ultra processed foods (except for binge of course hehe). And it makes all the difference!