Test subject; me

Ed trigger warning! Although honestly, this whole blog should come with trigger warnings. You know what to expect! Don’t be a pussy lol. Let me express my truth. Freedom of speech and all that.

So I’ve come to realise I’m performing a perverse little experiment on myself…

The very first thing you see when you google Seroquel / quetiapine is WEIGHT GAIN. Absolutely everybody has something to say about the terrible, immovable weight gain this drug has caused them. How this drug not only increases your appetite, making you starving hungry, crave sugar and insane nighttime munchies. But how it also changes your metabolic system, meaning instead of breaking down fat your body stores it etc etc. Honestly, I could go on for days about all the ways this drug apparently makes and keeps you fat.

So before starting it, I told myself I’d only allow myself to try it if I seriously restrict my diet to absolutely minimise any weight gain. While also trying to understand what its effect on weight is actually caused by. Using myself as a test subject.

Right away, I can understand the ravenous, insatiable hunger everyone complains about. Less than ten minutes after I’ve swallowed my pill, my stomach twists and churns with hunger spasms. It’s the sort of hunger that makes you feel nauseated. At first I couldn’t identify if I was just getting hungry due to the restricted diet I’m on. But the hunger comes on like clockwork, and is worse right after I’ve taken the pill. So it’s undeniably caused by the meds. That has been Ella fact checked for you guys! Haha

So it’s safe to assume this ravenous hunger everyone speaks about it’s a real, well documented side effect. The memes people have made about Seroquel hunger are absolutely spot on too haha.

But I’ve not eaten a single thing in response to this hunger, or any hunger at all since starting my meds. As I’ve fast learnt that no hunger is trustworthy. It shouldn’t be listened to. It’s lying!!!

I do my calorie math, and nutrition math. I eat small healthy bits throughout the day like a bird. And the majority of my daily calories are actually coming from the almond milk in my almond milk matchas - the only thing giving me energy at the moment through gentle caffeine!!

It does help that I’m an absolute pro at ignoring hunger though. Hell, I’m an absolute pro at loosing weight! When you’re feeling so depressed and out of control in your life, being able to have full control over anything becomes attractive. Controlling my diet as a self soothing behaviour has always been a coping mechanism of mine. I started calorie counting when I was 12 years old, using the my fitness pal app. And I haven’t made a meal without using weighing scales since! That’s over 10 years of calorie counting and portion control I’ve got under my belt!!

I would love to write a book on how to actually loose weight and be the skinniest, sexiest bitch. But I’d be so cancelled for selling eating disorder propaganda in a heartbeat. Even Y2K diet culture is demonised now. Haha! My methods extend beyond the depths of 2014 pro-Anna tumblr accounts, into what is better described as self torture.

Since starting the Seroquel over a week ago, I have lost weight. I have lost mass. Honestly, my body hasn’t looked this good since I was 16! It’s amazing what just a week of starving yourself can do! I am so incredibly numb to hunger and even to the resulting dizziness. I believe the reason why I’m so good at ignoring unpleasant physical symptoms is because I’ve lived with an anxiety disorder nearly my whole life now. I always feel like shit!!! And you just learn techniques to sit with uncomfortable feelings in cbt - cognitive behavioural therapy, (for those of you that haven’t been in therapy).

The absolute fear of everything I’m eating not getting burnt properly and being stored as fat has not only made me seriously consider whether I need to eat at all. But I’m also thinking about the nutritional profile of the food I’m eating more than ever. Prioritising low-fat and low sugar foods!

Recently my daily food intake has been something like; three almond milk (500ml) matchas. 1 wholewheat pitta or 80g or wholewheat pasta. Served with either a 60g serving of hummus or pasta sauce. A punnet of fresh fruit or a banana. And maybe a 30g bowl of musi with almond milk or a kids size vegan yogurt. Spread as evenly throughout the day as possible to stop me from fainting. As I’ve already had one fainting episode and nearly had another today before therapy! I had to eat a banana on my walk to therapy just to get rid of the black spots in front of my eyes. Aka <800

This is a very extreme and actually, an unusual way for me to eat. Before I started quetiapine I was a strict one meal a day girl, who intermittent fasted all day and gave myself four hours to eat (5-9pm) in the evening. And this worked really well for me as a maintenance diet. Usually sticking around 12-1500 cals. But always allowing myself to have one crazy big takeout or meal out a week. Because i still cared about letting myself have a treat day. I think they’re really important! For a small girl, I have a never ending stomach and binge eating vegan burgers and chips is like sober Ella’s cocaine!!!!

It’s weird changing my diet so much. The irregularity of it all is only adding to how crazy and disoriented I feel at the moment, I’m sure.

I have also noticed such a crazy perverted ego boost too... The fact I’m able to completely ignore the ravenous Seroquel munchies that causes many to gain weight, is giving me such a power trip I can’t lie. I actually feel like a bit of a God, knowing they’re fat because they’re weak and I’m skinny because I’m strong… That’s my verdict so far.

In the long run I know there’s no way I can stay on this drug. But yeah, I’m gunna at least finish the month’s supply I have. Or maybe start swapping them out with an ambien instead… I’m just still so curious about Seroquel. Other than the food / weight obsession, this feels like a good medicine for me! I’m not experiencing any other side effects which is really surprising! As my body is usually sensitive to drugs! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about seeing how it worked out for me long-term and at higher doses…