I fell asleep while writing this…
An hour after I take my bedtime Seroquel the most amazing calm warms me from the inside out. Much akin to a heafty benzo buzz, it’s really quite moreish. I’ve been finding myself excited hours before bed time, just because I can’t wait to take my pill. And of course, when I’m not having sleep paralysis I’m sleeping like a baby. My dreams are vivid, but this isn’t unusual for me. So I suppose in that respect, they’re otherwise unchanged.
Unfortunately I’m still having an extremely hard time coming to terms with the possibility of weight gain. I’ve seriously restricted my calories, which were already very bare minimum, to practically nothing. I’m noticing the negative effects this is having on my body; such as fainting this morning when walking from my bedroom to the kitchen. I don’t think I can stay on these meds long term because they are just too triggering for my eating disorder! In recent years I’ve prided myself on my ed recovery. And simple pleasures, like the chocolate I recently started letting myself have before bed most nights have completely stopped. I’m experiencing only fear when I think about food, which is very 2014-2019 of me. The regression has happened in just a week and I worry it’s only going to get worse. Especially if despite my insane efforts I do gain weight. Like what the hell would I do then??
As mentioned in the title, I fell asleep while writing this little update last night. It’s the morning now, it finally smells like summer. It is hot-hot! Like in the thirty’s today! I’ve got a driving lesson in just over an hour and later today my boyfriend, whom I thought I wasn’t going to see until October arrives home. Life has been crazy recently. I just popped a klonopin to prepare myself for the day. I should go make an iced matcha and bowl of muesli before I need to leave…
My goal for the near future is to get off the quetiapine. It’s been a lovely, summer romance, but one that needs to be cut short because I can’t be in full eating disorder mode again after I’ve been in really healthy recovery for the last three years… It is a shame, because if it wasn’t for the issue of eating I’d be all over it. Maybe it’s for the best though, I don’t think I’ve been taking it long enough to cause me sexual problems, although I haven’t tried lol… But it very well could do, and that would not only be traumatic lol, but a real deal breaker.
It’s deffo a medication I want to keep in my emergency tool kit though, as a sedative that isn’t a benzo or sleeping pill. But yeah, I’ve got to be sensible here and restricting calories to the point of fainting is pretty insensible.
It’s funny tho, cos I’ve not been this skinny in a while