Ocd iceberg

Since downloading a callander app, I’ve been a lot busier. I actually enjoy planning out my weeks, using colourful labels to separate activities by category. It helps me not only be more productive, but also balance my energy - which is pretty important to keep track of when you have chronic fatigue. Usually I don’t even know what day of the week it is, and while that still remains true. At least I know what I’m doing!

I had the loveliest past five days in Italy — I got back early yesterday morning, ordered a big takeout from deliveroo and then fell asleep until 9pm. Which I mistook for 9am at first. Damn, did I really sleep all day and night I thought to myself? Even on all the benzos I’d taken for my flight anxiety, sleeping that much wasn’t possible haha. So instead I got up at 9pm to load the washing machine with my second load of dirty holiday laundry. I’m not the type to let washing pile up. While my ocd and adhd are in constant competition with eachother, cleanliness and hygiene is not something I can procrastinate. Anxiety, though uncomfortable, can be an impressive driving force at times.

Ocd is the most misunderstood mental illness, and as much as it can revolve around cleanliness, tidiness and hygiene, that is just the very tip of the ocd iceberg. There are so many ‘sub genres’ of ocd. As well as contamination ocd, another I suffer with is ‘harm ocd’. I’m going to take a shot in the dark here that unless you’re personally familiar with harm ocd, then you likely haven’t heard of it. Harm ocd is horrific.

Before I explain, let me remind you that ocd stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. Meaning anything that causes obsession (thoughts) and compulsion (actions) can be ocd.

Harm ocd is when you have obsessive thoughts about harming yourself or others, especially when triggered by something in your surrounding environment. And the brain can come up with some truly scary obsessions! Such as imagining yourself lashing out at loved ones with the knife you’re using to cut broccoli, or putting your dog in the oven you’ve just heated up for dinner. It would be a huge misconception to believe that people who have harm ocd are psychotic or dangerous. In fact, they’re quite the opposite. Harm ocd only has power through the fear it evokes. If you have a horrified reaction to the idea of doing something horrifying - that’s good, that’s normal!! It’s almost like your brain is constantly trying to jumpscare you with horrific imagery.

‘Magical thinking’ is another type of ocd, it revolves around the belief that if something horrible comes to mind, you can counteract and neutralise that horrible thought by thinking / doing something in its place. Say, the thought of my mum dying on her way home from work pops into my mind as I open the fridge, to neutralise this anxiety I’d tell myself something like… if I open and close the fridge door five times then my mother will be safe. And you’ll do it because you genuinely believe if you don’t do it, she won’t be safe.

Another ocd I suffer with is what can only be described as ‘just right’ ocd, where you have to repeat tasks not until they are complete, but until they feel just right. This can be maddening as this ‘just right’ feeling can be so unpredictable. It’s not something that can be reasonably calculated, it’s an emotional response that comes from deep within.

Another form is of course perfectionism ocd, which in my case fast became beauty related obsessions with accompanying rituals. Eg, one of my obsessions is that I have to have perfect eyelashes after applying mascara. So my accompanying compulsion is using tweezers and a sewing needle to separate my eyelashes, every time I put on mascara.

My ocd can also manifest as hoarding products in which I feel I desperately need, just incase they stop being manufactured. Like my favourite mascara or deodorant. The obsession is that I might lose access to an item, the compulsion is buying lots of that item to counteract the obsession.

I also have horribly bad hand washing ocd, where my hands constantly feel contaminated with germs, so I wash them hundreds of times a day. I get through a 500ml bottle of soap in three days if I’m lucky. The skin on my hands is raw and rough from eczema I’ve developed due to the over-washing. Thusly I’m always applying hand cream! That’s a compulsion caused by a compulsion. Lol.

I’m only scratching the surface here when it comes to ocd sub genres, I know I’ve not even mentioned all of my own! There can be a lot of overlap when it comes to different types of ocd, and I’m not exactly sure where or when it ever stops! Ocd is born from anxiety.

Ultimately your brain has an anxious thought, and in response your mind tells you; do _____ and you’ll feel better. That’s ocd! Uncontrollable thoughts and actions.

Another thing about ocd is although it can’t be switched off, a lot of people find a way of suppressing their compulsions just enough in social situations, to appear normal. Not because ocd goes away, but because we know as soon as we get home we can go back to indulging in our compulsions. The obsessions don’t ever go away, but sometimes you can to put the compulsions on ice. Knowing when you get the chance you’ll make up for it. Eg, going out in public makes me feel horribly dirty, but I make up for that in knowing as soon as I get home I’ll wash all my clothes and take a bath.

Back to that callander app of mine… I’ve got Glasto festival next week and how I navigate that is a perfect example of me pushing my ocd to the absolute edge of comfortability! Communal toilets are one of my biggest nightmares ever. After using one just once I already feel contaminated and dirty. I don’t let my parents use my bathroom at home. Hell, I don’t even trust myself! I dettol spray and wipe the toilet seat every morning and evening in my own bathroom!

Though festival toilets are like the final boss level of my contamination anxiety, I do everything I can to make them less scary. Not only am I paying an extra £700 to be camped in a field that has real flushing loos and showers. But I’ve also spent about £50 on everything from medical grade sanitising wipes, wet wipes, sanitiser, tissue and soaps! Ocd is stupidly costly I must say. You’ll do anything and buy anything if it helps soothe you.

The ‘cure’ for ocd is exposure therapy. So as much as it puts me in great discomfort, breaking my ocd rituals, knowing I’m challenging them little and often is a really great step in the right direction. Though some things have gotten worse - like my hand washing increased like crazy during the pandemic, when we were told to sing happy birthday every time we wash our hands - something I still do. There are other examples of my ocd becoming more tolerable to things I once couldn’t do at all. Such as letting other people in my space, cook for me, touch me. Etc… Slowly I’m relearning to do things with reduced fear.