Hampered
At some point in 2024, I began demanding that anyone who wrote an over-pedantic or mildly hurtful comment under a comic on the badmachinery.com send me a Fortnum & Mason Imperial Hamper (price: £6000). I don't know what I would do if I received one; as a slight man living alone, I don't think my constitution could absorb the decadent contents of its wicker payload. I would be dead within the week.
But having made an offhand comment about this legendary loot-crate once, followed by dozens more thanks to a well-meaning but over-vigorous subsection of the commentariat, I have found myself often thinking about designing my own hamper. But there was never time. Until I found myself waiting for a late-running friend the other night, when idly I drew this:
Obviously, this is only a small hamper, not truly imperial, and my time was limited, but the contents are choice. So next time you crack open a carton of Sweet Wind, breathe deep and think of me. Crack open your chambered international ham and let the good times roll.
Comments (28)
I am mildly surprised that I never received such an instruction.
"Lord Manningham: Looking down upon the common clod since 1757!"
Now I need a fluteful of Sparkling Svalbard! And whar Egil Skallagrimsson's {near} Ale?
Being an ignorant American, I actually had to look up the Hamper. I kept wondering how a laundry basket could cost 6000.
This is the stuff I come to Patreon for 😆
Pretty sure someone called me a soggy beef hinge once in a pub in Bradford
it's the adjective that makes it... would have been a different conversation had they called you a succulent beef hinge
This reminds me of our beloved Desmond's many attractive & successful products. Maybe he should talk to Fortnum's about a Fishman Signature line of hampers.
This is absolutely wonderful. I think the tardigrade sausage is my favorite.
As an American, I was sane about you wanting an expensive laundry basket until I got to the picture of a ham, and became confused. Learned so much with a quick google search 🤣
motion seconded, passed by unanimous consent
I was really hoping that someone had actually sent you one
Haha! Oh no! I think someone would have to really misunderstand the fragile economics of indie comics as a profession to send me a £6000 hamper full of foie gras, not £6000 in cash.
I mean, have you *tried* force-feeding a zebra? Sure, the yield on success is high, but so many people die in the attempt!
FWIW, I am very tempted to save up and do one of the "build your own" hampers that F&M offer, next Xmas.
Me too
Ah, the sweet breeze of the steppes – and a beef hinge to boot! Ample compensation for the lack of an Imperial – the Jeroboam of Veuve Clicquot, the Patum Peperium…
A tardigrade sausage should really be in the form of a scaled up water bear, for scare factor. Also, given their resilience a best before date won’t be necessary. One probably couldn’t digest it anyway.
I was thinking that the tardigrades within would probably still be alive. A whole new type of "live culture" food.
It was a blustery cold winter morning. Leafless trees groaned and clacked in the biting wind. Suddenly, a tentative knock, a panicky double-press on the doorbell, and then a bulky, cloaked figure could be seen scuttling quickly away down the deserted lane. On his front stoop was a basket containing cured meats to the tune of 15,000 calories and a crudely-scrawled note which read, "Sorry for what I said about Sword of Susan, its [sic] cool". It was unsigned, but that didn't matter. The repentant note-writer's name had never been far from his mind.
As they seem to have a 15% discount on hampers I’m rewriting the over pendantic post that I’ve had on stand by for such an occasion.
It would be a royal hamper at the very least, as all swans in England and Wales belong to the King.
Tangential but this must be hell for the royal accountants what with seasonal migration and all
I have often thought that if you could bottle the feeling of a cool breeze hitting you when you're climbing a hill on a hot still day, you could make a fortune. Little surprise that it's the people at Imaginary Fortnum and Mason who finally cracked it.
Didn’t know a gift basket could be called a hamper I’ve only associated that word with where I put my dirty clothes
A clothes hamper in the UK is called a linen or laundry basket. It's a complete switcheroo.
Is the tobacco pipe a one use type? Like at one point you would by a pre-filled clay pipe, smoke it, and throw the clay pipe away.
Yes. In that way it's like an Iceland "Prawn Spoon". As wasteful as is humanly possible. My pipe is made of cheap plastic which should hopefully partially melt, giving off toxic fumes.