Dispatch no. 63 - Updates Podcast

I'm only just listening to this episode and I can hardly relate to much of your musings on writing and art in general. Therapy has really helped me with recognising what I feel and where it's coming from. And allowing yourself to consistently write more frequently will definitely be more helpful. Numbness is just an illusion, all the feelings are still very much there.

I cannot recommend therapy highly enough. Turns out it’s hard to process/regulate emotions if no one ever taught you! I also come from a (really great!) family that does not express or talk about emotions much, so I’ve been working with a therapist to just name and identify feelings I’m having. It’s a revelation, and honestly it’s made me a little sad that my family hasn’t had the opportunity/didn’t know they could learn the same skills. I definitely cry more now but it’s…ok? The admin of insurance and finding a therapist is absolutely a huge hassle, especially when you already feel overwhelmed. It took me at least 6 months to actually act on it. It’ll take the time it takes you, but it’s so eye opening not to just be alone in your own head anymore. I also live alone and spent a lot of time psycho analyzing myself…I’ve made infinitely more progress with a trained professional. An outside perspective is essential.

Have you thought about contacting universities around the country/World to see if anyone is doing research into the things you have talked about - it would help them, it might help you - YOU MIGHT GET PAID - and it would be sooooo interesting. Most authors I have heard talking about their work give themselves a limited time to write per day, or a number of words per day. Please don't forget you can talk to us.

Some of the things you're talking about regarding showing emotions and the familial norms around it remind me of my south asian family as well. Tempered with who is allowed to show emotions and what emotions are acceptable to show. All that to say, when I really feel I need to cry I turn to movies and books. Should probably also turn to therapy, but things being what they are....it's a process. I'm glad that you had a good writing session. It's so much more important that you fill that well of joy and love in yourself than getting a video out at a certain time. I know I'm not alone in that sentiment. Also sympathize with the downside of hyperfocus. There are so many times I literally cannot put something down mentally and it wrecks anything else I need to be doing. And finally in a very long, very late reply, as a fellow ace I love non-practicing queer, it feels so much better than "how do I people" which is my normal state.

A belated catching up on this podcast (and people may have said this in the comments) but that state of hyperfocus including time-blindness, lack of perception of hunger, and then the ensuing physical crash... sounds very neurodivergent. As an autistic person, myself, I can definitely say that I have 'flown too close to the sun' my WHOLE life and I'm still working on figuring out the balance! I have to be very careful with how I approach my favourite things (because I love them too much!), how much time I give myself to transition back out of them, how 'coming back to reality' affects my executive functioning (adulting stuff) etc. [Edit to add: the emotions/costly to productivity part also sounds like neurodivergence/neurodivergent family!) ...Apologies if this comment is out of line (or tells you something you already know etc.)

Compassionate deadlines are a thing. Give yourself grace and enjoy this early fall up here.

Would it hjelp if we threat to cancel the membership if you put out too many videos a month? Because we like your persona and we want you to stay mentally ok.

Have you ever been recognized when you're out?

Thank you for your generosity with your thoughts as well as your inspirations. Have you heard the Carrie Fisher quote, “Take your broken heart and turn it into art”? I’m not saying you have a broken heart but you describe pouring your feelings into writing in a way that made me think of her words. And I absolutely resonate with you turning your fascination with your reactions to bugs and spiders into art! Tapping into the unconscious can be a powerful therapy, almost like casting a magic spell.

I applaud you using your writing productivity positivity towards more in your day. I wish things had gone better for you afterward, though. I totally feel you on the writing front. I have been diving into my novel, editing, then writing, then getting sidetracked into a poetry project. But I also have sewing projects I want to work on. But I also have course content I need to create for the new semester, because paychecks are totally a thing. Exams need to be graded, lessons taught, and sometimes my roommate makes me go out and people. For writing I use Scrivener. it's the only way I can keep all of my projects organized, both with files and within the project itself. I do live with someone, but we each have our own space and can spend entire days just in silence, doing our own crafty whatever at opposite ends of the apartment. If I had the cash for therapy, I'd jump for it in a heartbeat. I'll repeat what a lot of others are saying here, too: you are an inspiration. What you are rambling is not nonsense. It's truth and honesty. Don't stop on our account.

Four videos on a channel PLUS one on here is insane. Plus a podcast. Is that per month??? No. Too much. Cancel some of it!!! You should have evenings and weekends at the very least. And a vacation. Right??? Yes. Ok love u bye

DUDE. as a writer. you must feed the beast. don't squash it!!! get rid of some of the things you give us and do more writing.

Making friends is SO HARD. But it is possible!! So I hear. I've mostly done it online which is not ideal for some things. But come up to Ontario! I will be your friend! (is that creepy? that might be creepy. I went to Pride all alone this weekend because I too have. uh. no one around. living alone IS great but also PEOPLE WHERE HOW. all the best!

I have a lot of hobbies. Knitting, sewing, embroidery, pottery, drawing, writing, etc. This past May, in a freak accident that took literally 15 seconds, a dog in a car stuck its head out a window and degloved a third of my dominant hand. I've had two reconstructive surgeries, and steroid injections. I now have terrible scars, carpal tunnel, and trigger finger. That is my new normal. I have lost 80% of the fine motor skills in my hand and cannot do any of my hobbies anymore. It has been a soul crushing, depressing, miserable experience and I'm struggling emotionally. I'm hopeful that I will be able to do at least some of these things again because my mental health has been awful. I understand the toll it takes to not be able to do the things that bring you joy. Take care of you. Everything can change in seconds. Literally, seconds. Please see a dermatologist, and get a therapist. Take care of you.

Oops, I don't think I will ever get the hang of posts. The old adage of "if you broke your leg you wouldn't try to set it yourself" does fit here. You may not need therapy, but why waist your time when it's so easy? For me it opened up space in my head that I was able to fill with creativity and joy. I get so much more done and I am so much happier.

Therapy can be really great. Do it online, so much easier. Be sure to find a good one. You will know if they are good. It's a gut thing. I've been in and out of therapy for 45 years, I've seen all kinds. You can see one for a bit and move on to another or just stop. You can always start again.

From experience, therapy has been life changing, being able to understand myself and get to be diagnosed with ADHD. Oh boy, the mental peace of being able to understand myself and realise that nothing is broken, I just work differently. Andor’s clothing… chef kiss, Mothma’s dresses are stunning, the coats, everything, just stunning pieces.

Oops, I do not have a cat or a dog, because it is so difficult to arrange dog or cat sitters for them when I go visit my family in Ireland, or my adult children, and grandchildren here in the UK. I have my routines, sewing, needlework and garden and I am content. I have no really close friends, and never have had either. There is no one person to whom I would 'bare all'; my sewing friends and acquaintances are all the same as me more or less. You do need to take time off. I don't know why you don't take at least one day each weekend off, and just go out somewhere? It cannot be good for you as it is - no time off, or away from your work. You have permission to take a day off each week!!! Hugs

I live alone, and have done since 2008. There has been episodes when I have had my homeless sibling to stay ( for 10 years), but I do like my own life living alone. I don't have a cat or dogs

Describing yourself as a non-practicing queer person is, although I assume accurate and on point, is also hilarious in your dry-humor kind of way. It brought a smile to my face if nothing else.

Also, I am also pretty friendless. Another modernity issue. Too busy for friends and as a weirdo elder goth, it's hard to find kindred peeps irl. Friendly acquaintances, sure, but I, too, have only a couple far away friends. I have an amazing husband/best friend, so I am lucky there. But no close platonic only friends...sigh. So, I feel you in that way big time. And my parents live 3k miles away...so with you there too. Funily, watching your stuff is part od my escapism. You are living my dream in many ways. So happy for you to have your Victorian home in the NE to creatively play with.

After feeling very similar feels in all that you have discussed here, at 50, I have come to understand there is no such thing as balance in life. At least not in American modernity. We are all drowning and faking it. It's like trying to reach for perfection. Impossible. A myth we somehow came to believe. I think we all just go through a cycle of acmes and nadirs in managing the life chaos that the universe throws at us and that we make for ourselves. However, for me at least, accepting this fact can be freeing, though. I still try to get better at it, but know that we have so very little control in our lives, so many pulls from the outside world (and the inside one). The absurd condition of the universe: we crave/need/desire something we know deep down we cannot really have - control. We just do the best we can and if something cannot happen as we planned, that's okay. Just keep moving, keep learning. And know, you are amazing, you deserve bloody weekends and human moments. It may suck to people sometimes but if we had no bodies with chemicals making us feel the feels, there would be no passion, which is what gives meaning to this far-too-fleetiny moment of sentience called life.

Bianca, I don't normally comment as I prefer to 'lurk' but I wanted to say you are a major inspiration in my life. You are also one of my comfort channels when I'm not feeling great (diagnosed major depressive disorder, suspected audhd, hEDS, goodness knows what else 🤣). Your voice and demeanour are very soothing to my brain. Please take care of you. This world needs people like you in it. If you need time off, take that time. There will be those of us who are willing to stay here and support you during that time so that you can keep making videos for as many years as you want to. Enough from me, words aren't being my friend today but I wanted to say something 💜 Stay strong, stay safe 🫂

Also, the podcast you mentioned is interesting. Thanks for sharing!

I, too, live alone with nobody to talk to, except the cashier and maybe someone I see on my walk, if they're kind and smile back at me (sadly, often they do not.) My Mom visits a few times a year, like you and your Mom, she is my best friend. I can relate to what you say, plus having been on YouTube myself now for a few years, I can attest to it playing a number on one's thoughts. People in my life from before, treat me differently, or so it seems. And yes, absolutely, relationships with friends from the past change, especially when they get married and have kids. I've never wanted those things, and I know that practically nobody in my life, except for my parents, understand what I feel for the piano. That is my only skill, I'm not multi-talented like you with sewing, writing, painting, beading and such, so I can't quite imagine what you're going through, though I do remember many times where a job I took brought me further away from solo piano repertoire and studying it and it was awful for my emotional well-being. Your body clearly needs to write. I learned earlier this year, in a rather painful way, that while I may have always felt that "I will go down with my ship (ie my art)" my ship won't go down with me and so I am trying to allow myself quiet time. That used to be watching something, but lately it's become just laying down on the floor with a plump cushion, no music on and just daydreaming, listening to the birds outside my window (and the bugs, which we have similar to yours here, nearby, on the other side of Buffalo) and it has been very helpful. I think the cooler weather coming ought to help some, I know it's been very humid out here in the East. Browsing my local public libraries is, for me, a great way to get out and to be around people in a quiet space without having to interact and try to tone down my niche interests so as to fit in with people who have more sensible interests. A sabbatical for you would be great if you could pull it off. I think Patreon has a "hold" button, though you need your income. A difficult situation. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but having been with you here for over 4 years, I will stick around as long as I am able. Thank you for the very interesting listen!💚

Lol i was thrilled no video. I thought you finally took our advice!! Rebel may have suspended US sales like a lot of small businesses, as have many EU post offices. Losing the de minimus tarrif exemption is a big problem. My hubby stopped shipping his paintings to US buyers. Me wants to buy your short story please! As an audio book read by you double yes please...does Patreon allow that? I think Ko-fi does, have bought from other YTers that way. Murderbot was a series of short stories...yes, I will keep asking, thankyouverymuch. Writing as a palate cleanser from sewing makes 100% sense - one is very left brain activity, the other is very right brained. I do LB work, I refresh with RB activity (sewing, knitting, gardening) to recharge. 100% i get zesty bursts like you do. I have been lucky enough to find a partner of similar mein, who also likes lots of project time, puts up with my BS and prefers holding hands to romance. It is possible to be super introverted and have a successful relationship. I was watching another sewing YTer and they just came back from teaching at PatternCon, a new convention, Stephanie Canada's channel. She is a very different vibe but fun retro focus. Maybe a teaching gig for you next year? If it ever runs in Montreal, Id be interested, no US travel for me for a while. I will listen to your pod cast again while making dinner. Thanks for the ramble! TTFN.

1. That wallpaper is beautiful! 2. Making friends in a new town when you are a single person who has niche interests and lots of demands on your time is incredibly hard. At least, that is what I tell myself. At this point, I have lowered the bar on looking for friends and my goal is to make acquaintances. 😂

Maybe cultivating some YouTuber friends would be helpful for figuring out these thorny work-life balance issues. Seems like I have heard so many of my favorite online creators debating the same issues about how to make YouTube sustainable while avoiding insanity. Add Bianca to the group chat already!

As a long-time therapy go-er, I can't recommend therapy enough. Finding the right therapist is such a powerful feeling. I am so much more productive when I have a person helping unravel all of my brain cobwebs. Also, consider a dermatologist and allergist for your makeup issues. It's really important to you and it *will* improve your quality of life to be able to wear makeup without being miserable. I'm chronically ill and I find that it's worth the time and effort to try and find the best solutions I can

Listen, I'm just some stranger on the internet. My field of study is archaeological curation, not literary criticism, so my opinion is only worth so much. But I have really really really really (really) enjoyed what of your writing I've been able to read. I think it deserves to exist. I really hope that you can find the most zealous literary agent possible who gets you a stellar deal with a Big 5 publisher. I hope your story can find as many of its readers as possible. I wish for you to have your novelist dreams come true. And while I would happily buy your novels on pre-order should that ever happen, there is still value in writing for writings sake. Hobby writing is just as valuable as any other writing and is worth spending your time on. Especially if it makes you this happy.

Your experience with writing makes it sound like dopamine is doing a lot. Dopamine being the pleasure-giving, satisying, reward hormone that has a crash associated with big doses of it. Similar to coming off different drugs. Dopamine is a big component in how ADHD affects the brain (not trying to diagnose you just some fun facts!) Dopamine is a hell of a drug and it seems you found a DEEP well of it lol

Incoming grasshopper bad memories: When I lived in Texas, I worked in a tan brick building. The back entrance faced the sun most of the day an was thus covered with 3” grasshoppers in a matching shade of tan. If you walked within 18” of that wall they jumped out at you (often from face height) and stuck to you (shudder). Just sharing :) Fun fact: our elderly cat at that time was only allowed outside on the screened porch (we were in the actual country and had coyotes and other critters that would definitely hop the fence to snack on our old,fat, toothless and declawed kitty) but there were holes in the screens and occasional grasshoppers got in. We would hear a muffled meow and open the door, and Nic (a girl, don’t ask, she was a re-home) would wander in and proudly spit out one of the giant grasshoppers, still alive. (It was almost 40 yrs ago and I still get the ick) so those sticky long legs were enclosed in her tiny mouth and throat…. Ugggggghhhhh. Ask me another time about the summer that our part of Texas was infested with a plague of tiny grasshoppers that amassed into giant, taller than me piles…..

Hi Bianca, I don’t give advice very often, but I’m going to tell you some things that work for me. Let me preface by saying I have long covid with a great deal of fatigue. Get a schedule: 30-45 minutes of the dreaded cleaning in the morning whilst still not awake. Easier to do a bit at a time. Then , personally I spend a couple of hours sewing( thanks to you, I can knick designs off the internet and make my own). Then I have lunch and cat time, then I sew again if I have the energy for a couple of hours, then read or knit, embroider for a couple hours, then dinner, more cat time. You could put in writing to painting the house. Or editing or whatever in some balance. 2.Your clothes are all 40’s 50’s make your makeup match. I too have become sensitive to makeup. You are lovely without makeup, especially your eyes. 3.yes to therapy. 4. Yes to todo lists (part,of that early am stuff.

Alas, having a brain and a body is indeed quite inconvenient. I also feel like I never get enough done, which is annoying. I know I've said this before, but I am so bad at perceiving the passage of time that I never notice if your uploads are off schedule, I just go "yay, new video! :)" I hope you do call the electrician soon, and find a therapist someday! (And yes I would like to come over to help scan catalogues in a Fancy Room, but I live in another country and have a cat allergy, so I shan't.)

I relate very strongly with this. I've been very fortunate in my life recently and I feel like I should be better about recognizing that. I feel like I should be doing more, always. I have 2 lovely boys (I'm a dog lady, instead of a cat lady though I do love cats) I never feel like I spend enough time with. I finally got the work from home job I've been fighting for years for so I can get off my bad leg, but it's a job unlike the jobs I've had previously and I feel like I'm behind the curve. It seems like for every positive there's a dozen negatives screaming in my face. There's a friend I message and FaceTime with nearly everyday, and we talk a lot about this kind of thing because it's something she struggles with too. This connection between our sense of worth and our productivity. She's actively going to therapy, but I'm just muddling along myself and some days are easier than others. I don't claim to have any of it figured out and the older I get, which 40 is closer than it was lol, the more I'm capable of recognizing that nobody does. And my perfect life might be someone else's nightmare and what works for someone else doesn't work for me. I'm a writer myself, and a collector of hobbies lol, and a perpetual learner. I have MDD-Major depressive disorder, some form of partially diagnosed adhd-autism (testing and diagnosis is expensive), and a genetic form of chronic insomnia (my off switch is broken) so mental health is what is. But I'm still here and trying and I've given myself the grace for that to mean something. Thanks for sharing, Bianca, you are appreciated more than you know. Wishing you all the best.

Transmission channels flooded by this update. Please stop by for virtual tea sometime...my friends and I will hang out on video call while in our respective hobbit holes, and being around good people you trust can help you unpack a lot of what you've been talking about. Random practical thought: I inherited an old large book scanner from my work. After much sacrifice to the gods of defunct drivers and proprietary software, it works! Send on the catalogs, friend!

P.S. I don’t know whether you’ve tried this already, but you can get teleprompter software for a laptop or tablet.

Hi Bianca. Just came here to say (to myself as much as to you): the need to pay for things aside, you are enough, full stop, period, end of. You don’t need to do or achieve anything to be enough. You could sit in your house petting your cats and eating bonbons for the rest of your life, and you would still be enough. Your value and worth are not a function of what you do, but of what you are. 🖤

Omg I feel seen haha. I think we all feel the struggle to achieve any semblance of balance in life, and I have so many many thoughts sometimes. And for me, just when I feel like I’m getting it, life deals me some fresh cards that totally ruin my hand and I get to start all over again 😵‍💫 I’m learning to tune in a little more to what I’m feeling and it does help me accept why I’m feeling so tired/sore/sad and that life is gonna be wild most of the time. Trying to slow things down and find what cools my brain is helping. Also trying to do nice things for people around me to build community. And sometimes, fortunately, recognizing that I have a beautiful life and I make beautiful things and that’s all I ever wanted. (I feel like you’ve actually helped me learn to celebrate my creativity) It takes a really long time to feel at home in a new city, wishing you luck settling in more, and thanks for everything you do and share with us 🖤🖤

Hi Bianca. So much of what you said really resonated. I'm only 15 minutes in and have to pause to get my thoughts out. (this got really long .. eek) I'm bipolar-depressive and am on a great medication that brings me from a -5 to +2 (most days) and I'm able to focus on my hobbies. I knit, crochet, and sew. And I'll get into a groove and work all day on projects and feel really good. And sometimes the next day I feel emotionally wiped out and won't pick up the project for weeks, or even months. My psychiatrist thinks these are manic episodes and I've had to explain that it's craft fatigue. That I invest so much thought and energy into my crafting that my brain is mush after. Sometimes (like summer and winter break) I can ride the crafting wave for 2 or even 3 days. But I know the crash can come at any time. I don't know what the difference is, that sometimes I wake up fine and other times I can't bring myself to pick up the project and continue. Having to fix mistakes definitely is part of it, but not all. I grew up in a home where my sibling had all the messy feelings all the time, so I learned to keep mine bottled up (also undiagnosed depression didn't help). I'm much better now, but there are some people that I don't open up to and others I will talk their ears off. I worked in the mental health field for a decade and learned a lot about healthy emotional expression. Can I do it? meh, I think? 5 therapists thought I could, but I've learned in the last 5 years that I would rather read than talk to people and deal with their emotions. I'd rather read a good book that will draw out all the emotions. 100% biology is irritating. I'm 45 and have so many cringe-worthy memories and perseverating / self-recriminations are so freaking annoying. Why am I remembering a dumb thing I said 15 years ago? I also do my own hair. I've had a basic pair of hair-cutting shears for probably 30 years. I've buzzed my hair down to 1/2" and grown it out to Marilyn Monroe-esque (where I am now) and am never totally happy. My hair is extremely dense and thick. A simple twist at the back of the head gives me a headache. I crocheted a snood for days I just can't find the energy to do something 'real'. I lived in the outskirts of a 'city'. in my early 30s. There was a nesting pair of owls that made the best sounds at dawn and dusk. 1,000% better than katydids. I have no pithy words of wisdom or advice. I do have thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. <3

Hi, Bianca, Firstly, I love your channel and you inspire me to sew. I am a beginner and have been sewing for several months and have watched you for many years sewing before I really even understood anything about what you were doing. Thank you for making sewing look accessible to everyone. Being inspiring includes being authentic. And you are. Secondly, I am a therapist (I have my PhD and counseling license and my own humble private practice) and I hope I don’t sound too counselor-ish if I were to say that, perhaps it’s not the lack of feelings, but the intensity of feelings that are there and the lack of feeling of safety in addressing them. Most people who are more thinkers than feelers, tend to have very intense feelings, but felt too vulnerable in sharing them. Sometimes there is a perfectionism that goes with that and views feelings as pretty scary and too risky. OK, that is enough of my reflection, but I couldn’t resist given that your podcast was about therapy. I just know that someone who has watched your videos for many years that you do deserve more time off and I hope that you put that in your schedule. We are not going anywhere. I won’t be offended if you decide to delete this post. ✨Most Sincerely, Deirdre