"I Can't Do That"

Hey everybody,

Another musical episode, another thrilling peek into the archives of Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S., specifically, his brief stint as a "mover" in the gritty world of 1970s New York Theater and the horrific audition that made him hang up his mover-belt for good. The resulting fire caused Butch Grier, the owner of what was, at the time, simply referred to as just "Grier Studios", to take out a sizable loan from a nefarious group of Space Pirates to help finance the reconstruction. And thus, "Ripley-Grier Studios" was born. So the next time you find yourself in an audition room, desperately trying to learn a dance combination that's beyond you and wondering what all those morph-ball size holes in the wall are for, just know that no matter how poorly you do, you will never beef it quite as hard as a certain dentist from Long Island.

-A.J. Ditty, lead archivist for the Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S. Memorial Archive

“I Can’t Do That”

Music by Marvin Hamlisch
Lyrics by Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S.

Bultch:

I’M WATCHING FOLKS GET MOVES DOWN FLAT
SAID I CAN’T DO THAT
I CAN’T DO THAT

I’M GONNA NEED SOME XANAX STAT
CAUSE I CAN’T DO THAT
I CAN’T DO THAT

MY AGENT SAID THE PART’S FOR MOVERS
I’M THINKING I MIGHT STAND A CHANCE
BUT I CAN’T DANCE SO

I FLAIL ABOUT LIKE A HEART ATTACK
THROW OUT MY BACK
AND HIT THE MAT

OH I CAN’T DO THIS
I CAN’T DO THAT!

(Spoken)

Oh we're starting!

Okay

And we're goin' over here
With a jazz hit
Jazz hit
Pas de Bouree!!

(He knocks over a vase)

Why are there so many vases in here?!

(He knocks over a lit candle and the room catches fire)

And lit candles?!

(Singing)

OH BOY THE ROOM SURE IS AMAZED
BEEN SET ABLAZE
I’M SURE IT’S FINE

ALL THANKS TO ME
AND MY RAT-A-TAT-TAT!
SAID LET ME DO THIS-

(Tries a move, it works?)

Oh!
And we're turning and we're turning
And we're doing a jazz hands!

I think I'm getting it!

I think I'm-

WHOA!!!

(He breaks his leg)

THE BONE’S POKIN’ THROUGH
AND I CAN’T DO THAT!

(The song ends. Bultch waits expectantly.)

Call a doctor?!?!

(End.)