To All That We've Once Loved

When I started this Patreon, I named it "To All That We've Once Loved" because I thought we were headed into a future where we were going to be facing large scale social, cultural, economic and political change. This could be for the worse, and we'll see a good deal of what we've once loved about our society and culture trampled. It could also be for the better, and still, much of what we've once loved might end up unrecognizable to us in comparison to what it was when we initially fell in love with it. I still believe this. Whether we're headed for collapse or we can get it together to start addressing the large scale problems we have before their compounding effects become too much to overcome is anyone's guess.

I also chose the title because it can be a celebration, it can be bittersweet or it can be straightforwardly depressing, depending on any given topic and the perspective on said topic. It's also a reference to the way the past influences the present. What we've loved teaches us and shapes us, and instructs how we see the world around us. There's hasn't been much celebration here though... 

We're now into a second wave of COVID. The political will for definitive action meant to curb the spread and do anything other than issue the equivalent of PSA's about getting vaccinated doesn't seem to be materializing. The chances COVID will claim a million lives in the U.S. seem high. Those of us who aren't prey to the disinformation and manipulation of some of the most rapaciously venal and nihilistic political machinations in my lifetime, are vaccinated and still invoking slightly modified, private lockdowns. Each week, different varieties of commercial events and gatherings are being cancelled. The probability of COVID being a significant factor in life for the next few years also seems high. My mind races to a few dozen depressing probable consequences at first glance, and those few dozen blossom pretty quickly into hundreds with any serious consideration.

This second wave and the likely consequences have pushed me to a point of emotional burn out. I can't keep trying to consistently write about politics, current events, social issues etc. I think this has been a long time coming, and the novel I've been writing has been part of a kind of self defense mechanism. I'm going to write, no matter what. It's just there as a thing I have always done. I think subconsciously starting to write and focus on the novel was part of carrying me to a point where I was comfortable with admitting to myself, and probably to those of you who are Patrons that I can't keep writing about those topics regularly. If nothing else, it feels utterly useless, on top of coming at a cost to my mental health and contentment. In reality, I'm just some schmuck, no one gives a shit. Whether what I'm saying is right or wrong, it doesn't even matter. Nobody giving a shit would be fine, if it were fulfilling by itself, but it's not. I've been staring into the inevitableness of our collective inability to actually address our problems for a decade or better, and I just fucking can't anymore. 

Over the course of the first wave of the pandemic, not only did I start writing a novel, but I started forcing myself to consume something other than news and current events during the day or when I was running errands, doing housework etc. I was consciously looking for content which was a celebration of things I enjoy. Lots of movie podcasts. Podcasts about music and musicians. Podcasts that were deep, in depth dives into different creative arts I enjoy or even just specific pieces I enjoy. I've gone back to reading more on a number of different websites devoted to film. It has been pretty great. There are lots of good to great film podcasts and lots of great writing about film right now. 

I was also trying to follow more film related content on social media. This was something of a mistake, but also points to a better direction. 

I've written in the past about the idea that one of the strategies the far right uses is to make every single space they can into a battlefield. The idea is to essentially make the environment so full of animus it becomes impossible to express anything with any sense of good faith. This combined with the "hot take industry" which has grown from the profitable nature of expressing controversial opinions or expressing opinions in a controversial manner seems to have taken a significant toll on what makes up social media centered around film. To put it bluntly, it's a shitshow. As much as I was just looking for a place to be able to communicate with people who love things similar to what I love, the combination of the far right trying to bring their fight to every space they can and the hot take industry has turned a lot these spaces into edgelord havens. Believe me, I can do bitter all by myself. 

This combination of factors has pointed to a new direction. 

From now on, To All That We've Onced Loved is going to be a combination of writing about the things I love, be it movies, books, music or other creative arts, and my own fiction. There's going to be a lot more celebration of something to love. I can't promise I won't still veer into pieces having to do with news and current events, because I am who I am, but the majority of the writing being put here is going to be devoted to writing about film, and the occasional book or record. It's not just going to be straight reviews either, though those will be here too. Expect there will be writing which takes what I've learned about politics, social issues etc and applies it to these mediums as well. There will be some of the more serious minded variety of criticism. I have a few ideas for series on directors and through lines in their careers which I haven't worked on because I felt it was a frivolous use of time when the world is so terrible and I could be writing about something "important." Crazy, I know. I've threatened to do a series looking at Martin Scorcese's filmography from the perspective of it being a warning about the trappings of traditional masculinity, and there's a good chance that's going to happen now. I need to actually schedule it and decide which films I want to cover.  I recently had a piece published on the Fear Street trilogy published on Rue Morgue.com. It's a good combination of different things you should expect to see here in the future. It's a little bit fan boy, a little bit structural criticism, a little bit about the films as social commentary. 

I've kept a Letterboxd account for a few years, and I like having it as part of keeping track of what I've seen and what I'd like to see, and I've struggled with whether or not to post reviews here in the past. I'll still be using Letterboxd, but reviews will be posted here and links to these reviews will be posted on Letterboxd. 

Having spent the last year with media dedicated to things I enjoy was a reminder that I am still completely, utterly in love with the creative arts, and narrative arts most ardently. I may have my questions about whether I love people, but I don't have questions about whether I still love storytelling. It's is probably the closest thing in my life to being a sacred concept. Outside of decency and kindness, I don't think there is anything else which could be construed as sacred to me. After a lifetime of being obsessed with reading, watching movies, and all the different ways there are to take in storytelling, it still excites me. I want to contribute to it as a human endeavor, and there isn't much I feel that way about these days. It's something central to the experience of being human, and something we seem to need, while at the same time not every single example of it needs to be important or necessary. Everyone loves some piece of storytelling, whether a book or a film, a television show, song or album which they know isn't so good, but they still love it. Maybe something I write will be that imperfect piece of storytelling someone loves or something I write will help turn some other piece of storytelling into something someone else loves. It's less about being recognized for it than it is about being able to contribute to that thing... Being part of someone else having that feeling I have about the stories I love, that thing that made me fall in love with it. 

I'm still working on my novel, so it's going to be the main focus of my time. Until I've finished the first draft, that's going to be the case. I'm going to try to get at least one piece a week done for To All That We've Onced Loved. In the past, I've tried to commit myself to too much, and then I feel really shitty when I'm not able to keep up with it. One piece a week seems reasonable, along with working on the novel. It works out well because I've found I sometimes need a break from the novel for a day or two. I do have this short story to finish as well. When it's properly done, it'll be here. 

If you became a Patron because of the writing I've done previously, and feel you aren't interested in the direction I am going, I love you. I'm grateful you've been a Patron. I completely get why you might want to take your money elsewhere. If this is literally not what you signed up for, no hard feelings. I hope you do come back and check out whether what I'm creating in the future will appeal to you.