No Life Kid 6

“I’m just sayin’, Eddy, what’s the point of being fast if you’re not even paying attention?” The words rolled out slow and thick, vowels dragged out just enough to see the twitch in his brother’s jaw.

A head of copper hair whipped around to shoot him a glare he almost laughed at, Edward’s lips pulled back just enough to show the edges of teeth. “Don’t call me that, Emmy.”

“What, Eddy, you think I mind?” Emmett Cullen shook his head at the new nickname, chuckle a low rumble that vibrated through his chest as he shifted on the loveseat. The sound of footsteps making their way up the driveway slow and steady almost had him sighing as he prepared to feel like a kid again, but he pushed that down as he needled his brother. “I kinda like it. Makes me sound kinda cute. Hey, babe…” The largest of the Cullen clan tipped his head back, golden eyes roaming the blonde carved out of ice and fury claiming the sofa opposite him. 

“You like Emmy as a nickname, right?” He poked one cheek. “Goes with the dimples.”

“...what part of ‘don’t talk to me’ failed to reach your brain?” 

Gold eyes didn’t narrow — Rosalie Hale never needed to squint to look lethal — but the glare was there all the same. Her arms were folded tight over his favorite chest in the world, depriving him of a look as her solid stare promised him all the violence in the world. “I thought I was pretty clear.”

“Rosieeee, c’mon…” His groan carried loud through the Cullen household, bouncing off the high ceilings as he thumped his head back against the cushion. The place was already in a state of controlled chaos ever since the new kid showed up, six weeks of paranoia pushing them off their game, and it had only gotten worse after the three boys had gotten back home. “It’s not like what you think. We just talked and whatnot. It was just some Mr. Rogers stuff.”

That got her attention, like he knew it would; a single perfect eyebrow went up. “Mr. Rogers stuff?”

“Yeah,” Emmett’s grin went wide. “Friendly neighbors.”

“Oh you…” A hiss spilled out of Rosalie’s lips, her anger only making her hotter. “Shut up now.”

Another groan spilled out of Emmett’s throat. “I’m serious, though. We didn’t even fight or nothing.”

“You wanted to.”

The voice came from the piano bench, Alice sitting with her back to them as her fingers hovered over the keys even as they moved. “You wanted to, and I c-couldn’t… see…” Shoulders hunched up around her ears like a wet cat, Alice pressed down on air as she played invisible notes to calm herself. “There was n-nothing to see… if you t-tried?”

Emmett clicked his tongue, eyes rolling at the ceiling fan spinning lazy circles. Trust the psychic to keep me from smoothing shit over. Alice had known what they were up to, as soon as they did it at least, and that part had sent her glitching like a radio since they got back; her usual bright frequency nowhere to be found. 

“Nobody’s fightin’ nobody, Al.” Emmett’s eyes slid right as he spoke, the faint musky scent of mountain lion half-week stale carrying on the air. Sorry, psychics.

Edward shot Emmett another look that the burly vampire ignored, his brother pacing the length of the living room again. He pivoted on his heel, the sharp squeak of shoe rubber grating on Emmett’s last nerve with the constant back and forth, back and forth, from a guy wound so tight it was a miracle he didn’t explode. Man, Eddy, you really need to get laid.

Eddy Cullen froze mid-step, head snapping toward him a third time with another glare locked and loaded. Emmett’s grin was wide and unflinching, all his teeth showing white and bright. Go on, read it again. Take notes this time.

Edward just growled, on-edge as ever as he spun away and went back to marching.

"He was toying with us.”

Emmett rolled his eyes again. “Not gonna lie to you, Jasper, I kinda figured that when he called us ‘the Blowjob Brothers.’

The Texan let out an unneeded breath, his eyes aimed out the window as he stood by Alice’s side, even more statue-still than the rest of them. He was barely a foot away from their in-house oracle, but Jasper was also in the doghouse which was hilarious because it was literally his first time. 

"Every word, every movement… all of it…” His teeth pulled back in a near-hiss as he stared out into the dark treeline “Calculated. For maximum psychological impact."

"We learned more than he intended.” Edward’s voice came out like bullets, clipped and fast as he spun to face Jasper. "The scent of the Quileutes was still on him. And fresh enough. He's made contact with them so he could be planning an alliance against us. And he admitted he knows ab-"

"He allowed you to learn things." 

Rosie’s voice cut through Eddy’s half-panicked rant before he could pick up speed, a guillotine right to the neck of his argument as Edward blinked her way.

The front door clicked open and closed again, soft and carefully, as Carlisle and Esme walked their way into the living room, hand-in-hand; both of them looking more like parents coming home to a bad report from school than anything else. Emmett turned the other way, the disappointment pouring off Esme enough to make him feel no taller than Edward.

Rosalie didn’t look at the two of them, eyes firmly on Edward as she tore into him the way she always did whenever she had a chance to prove him wrong. “He played with you. Did it for a second occur to you, any of you three over-eager idiots, that confronting a complete unknown might be, oh I don’t know, monumentally fucking stupid?”

“Come on, Rosie…” Emmett flashed his wife a grin as wide as he could manage, trying to catch her eye and pull the teeth out of the argument before it drew blood. "Babydoll, where's your sense of adventure?"

"Buried," Rosalie snapped a diamond-hard glare his way, "under seventy years of not dying from completely preventable stupidity."

“You went without us.” 

Emmett winced. There was no helping it.

Esme was never ever loud but when she wanted to, her voice could hit harder than a sledgehammer. His eyes trailed away, focusing on a barely-there scuff on the floorboards as he felt her eyes on him. She knew who the muscle was and she knew who wanted to use it the most. "Without even telling us,” she continued, voice soft and hurt, “you could have been hurt, you could have started a war o-”

"A war? He’s one person, Esme." Edward raked a hand through his bronze hair until it almost spiked up, the twitchiness enough to make him vibrate. "We had to do wh-"

"We don’t have to do anything but be a family.” Carlisle took that moment to speak as he held the center of the room, no shouting like Esme. While she never wanted to, Carlisle never needed to, the man as calm as Sunday morning and as heavy as a sermon. "Let’s ignore everything else and ask the simple question. What did you learn?"

The question was like a missile to a dam, the floodgates bursting open.

"His speed surpasses mine.” Edward practically growled as he admitted that, the words tearing themselves out of his throat like they hurt. "By a notable margin. And as I said, he smells of wolf musk."

"He knows too much.” Jasper’s voice was tight like guitar strings, the Texan still facing the window as one hand twitched toward the psychic at his side. "He knew about Alice. He referenced her visions, even called out the exact timing."

"Not that much.” Emmett folded his massive arms across his chest, biceps bulging against flannel. "Guy said we don't have a sense of humor. Like I wasn’t there? Insane!"

"And that was your primary takeaway, Emmett?" Rosalie’s voice was flat and hard, all ice as she gave him another look. "That your comedic stylings went unappreciated?"

"It's a valid point!" His hands went up as he rocked forward on the white leather. “Guy walks in, dressed like a Canadian, and calls us boring? You guys… maybe. But me? That’s personal.”

“It suggests arrogance.” Jasper didn’t even bother addressing Emmet’s wounded pride. “Or insane confidence. A lone enemy against an entire clan…”

“Laughed at us.” Edward stopped his pacing to stare at nothing like Jasper, almost spitting the words. “Thinks we’re a joke, even.”

Emmett just sighed. “Maybe we’d be less of one if we stopped sneaking around in the woods like some nervous squirrels.” He let out a hum. “Just sayin’.”

Notes from the piano rang out, discordant and loud as Alice’s hands dropped.

All eyes snapped to her as she sat bolt upright, her golden eyes wide staring at nothing.

"Alice?" Carlisle took a step closer, one hand raised, with Esme at his side. “Alice, are you o-”

Alice's mouth opened and words tumbled out; fast, fragmented and breathless, like she was trying to describe a car accident as it happened right in front of her. "He's — no — he's at a restaurant, he’s on a date with the Stanley girl, he's smiling — ordering the steak —”

Her hands flew up, almost clawing the air as her voice strained high. “The restaurant is — it’s covered in blood, he’s eating her — everyone dead — and then y-you—”

Alice whpped around to look right at Jasper, eyes filled with a horror he’d never seen on her face before. “Your arm — he's tearing your arm off — like paper — you’re screaming and y-you’re, no, you —" 

She jerked her head toward Edward, the other psychic’s eyes as wide as hers. "You're taking his head — no, Emmett is the one — was? — is. Jasper is doing it now — he’s tearing out Zander's heart — but he's just at sc-school.” Her voice hitched, everything coming out in almost a choked sob. "He's happy, with Jessica and they're laughing and he's just… happy. They're all there. At once. I can't—" 

Fingers dug into her scalp, Alice rocking forward with her palms at her temples. "I can't see which one is real. They're all… all possible at the same time."

The room was silent, heavy with the weight of a dozen contradictory messes and futures.

"That's…" Esme’s voice was barely more than a whisper, breathless as she wrapped her arms around Alice. “What kind of being has a future that is both so monstrous and so… normal?"

– o – o – o – o – o – o – o –

“Walter, what do you think?” Blue eyes gave his mirror-self a one over as he held up his dreads in one hand. “Ponytail or loose?

“I am rather partial to the ponytail, sir.” The greybearded butler hummed. “You do save your loose days for the hunt.”

Zander hummed back slowly, a near-perfect mimic of the older man’s tone. “Right you are, Walter. Ponytail it is.”

Fingers working his hair back with a royal blue rubberband, the young vampire turned to his manservant with a question on his lips. “What’s for dinner tonight?”

“I believe Miss Armstrong has a wagyu ribeye for you, sir — aged seven days in drawn whole blood so the muscle’s saturated clean through.” The butler nodded as he spoke. “None of that weeping pink puddle nonsense, and a frankly obscene amount of onions as you enjoy.”

“Delish.”

The two headed down the stairs, Walter just ahead of him as the butler took his careful practiced steps through the rather empty manor. “Do you think we will be ready, sir?”

The question was almost enough to make him blink, Zander looking right at the back of the man’s head as it came out of nowhere. “I… I don’t think a question like that is really needed, y’know.”

“Pardon me, s-”

Zander clicked his tongue, cutting the drudge off before he could apologize. “No, it’s not like that. You can speak freely, Walter. It’s just…” The eternal teenager let out a sigh that echoed through the halls. “It’s just that if you have to ask, it means we’re not.”

They passed a mirror, Zander’s steps slowing down as he stared at his wavering reflection in the older silver-backed mirror. Despite it all, the frown on his face was as clear as the bright morning dawn. "How’s my guns coming along?”

“Nearly done with construction, sir. A mere week more.” Walter hummed again. “Do you intend to use them against the local clan, sir?”

"...no.” It took a moment to consider it, if he really wanted to do that; longer than he would like honestly. “No, they're not the monsters I came here to hunt. But they're definitely going to become a problem if they keep pushing."

"So prepare for extended conflict, then?"

"Yeah.” An unneeded breath made his eyes shine brighter, the blue making the rest of his face shift in a way that he knew wasn’t real. “And Walter?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Make sure Jessica stays far away from whatever's coming."