Tortle Tank: Fighting Birds, Mediocre Gods, and The Hyper Light Cannon

Caldwell coming out with the French name cause the English is Parrying Dagger 😂

Anyone who hasn't needs to go watch college humours video "Obama pardoned the turkey that killed my family" https://youtu.be/lvWx_Cug26M?si=uTle8G1es26tPB1H

30:15 "We've all wanted to grab shaft."

Re: the god of mediocrity, this could be an alternative to taking 10.

“I could kick a mockingbird’s ass” such an important piece of American literature

Nat20 on initiate should give you first position and advantage on your first attack. Essentially you have jumped into action so quick that even a prepared combatant is caught off guard for a moment. I think that should be enough to honor the Nat20.

The thread of fate can be given to the group and the group can decide who has it, so the dm doesnt know. It'll sow discord of course but that's part of the fun if it works for your group

Ill be honest murph could 1v1 most birds and if the bird started on the ground an even if it was only like a 1% chance murph could get it before it took off I'd put money he could improve his odds against some of the harder birds

Birds you could definatly not 1v1: Cassowary Emu Hawk Falcon Owl? Ostrich Vulture

Extremely strong intro btw

I don't understand how people have difficulty with flying characters. In my campaigns I'm perfectly fine with flyers. If they want to fly over a wall by themselves there's a dude with a longbow on the other side. Easy solution.

There was a cop who tried to stop a cock fighting ring, and one of the roosters attacked him and the cop straight up died. Birds are no joke

I can’t believe Murph didn’t mention the Gobbledy Gooker for his bird fight. https://www.wwe.com/superstars/gobbledygooker

I'm absolutely introducing the Woven Belt of Manny the Mundane into my PF campaign.

For the aarakocra flight thing restrict flight with things other than light clothes and no equipment to later levels or bring in PF flight rules roll a flight check at the end of your turn to avoid drifting to the side or whatever if you dont intend to move

Yall need to look up magpie attacks. Any Australian rightly fears a magpie....

Best unnoticed line of the episode Caldwell “We’ve all wanted to grab shaft”

Just give Arakokra an age/level restriction for flight. Baby birds can't fly right away. A level 1 is essentially a "baby". Flight develops at level 9 or 10, (or adulthood) keeping it on line with wizards and druids.

Main in French means "hand" - so, left hand :). Right hand would be "main droit".

Australian Magpies are notoriously difficult to deal with. Swooping anyone and everything because they are crazy territorial of their nests. People joke about it in australia but honestly it is terrifying when it happens.

"Gauche" (pronounced "ɡōSH") is just "left" in French. The idea is that you use a parrying dagger in your left hand (the non-dominant hand for most folks), while the right (main) is used for the actual attacks. If you're left handed, I guess you'd just reverse it; so it would be "main/droit."

I want to one v word hardone

Re: Caldwell's coin/button idea. The main GM, Troy, over on the Glass Cannon Network gives out bottle caps when the players do something cool. The rule switched at some point from them being good for a roll with advantage to +10 on a roll. They are playing Pathfinder and Troy is a sadistic GM, so they don't break the game like they might at a less savage table.

I just wanted to add this if no one has mentioned the emu wars... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War

And just use swimming rules for aerocalypse flight and have an Athletics check to stay up

Much simpler Gift of mediocrity would be to replace A D20 roll with 2D10 or 3d6 +2

I have an idea for how to modify the rolled ac. There's already a blade called the gambler's blade. We're do for gambler's armor Instead of adding the bonus on top of your armor, gambler's armor would be base ac+ d6 (if uncommon) or a d12 (if rare.)

Aarakocra + looking up with light cannon + holding hands with unsuspecting dupe.

I rule that nat 20 lets you go first, regardless of final scores. But, nat 1 you go last.

Aarakokra should get extra jump and a glide ability, it makes less sense for bird person to be able to fly that well.

Okay, here's my thought on the string. Once per day, after failing a skill check, attack roll, or saving throw you can make a deception check to trick the universe into believing you succeeded instead

Imagine you’re in front of the Tortles like a real Shark Tank/Dragons Den episode and while you’re pitching they interrupt and start screaming at each other about whether or not they could take a bird in a fight. Do you try to soldier on? Do you quietly exit the tank??

Murph can absolutely 1-v-1 most birds

Fun fact! Main gauche is French for "left hand"

Hey, long time listener, first time commenter. I just found the perfect thing for Murph... A Kickstarter that is coins for dice... https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/atlasmundi/pieces-of-fate-immersive-dice-coins

Caldwell, you're absolutely valid, keep doing that ARR MSQ don't even worry bout it

Every time someone rolls a nat 20 in my home game they get a little Kit Kat. Makes every nat 20 feel special with a little treat

I have to say you think you could side step a turkey going 20 mph at your knees but as someone who works with dogs playing all day my knees are so busted and I can’t dodge them at all

Please no more tortle tank

Aarakocra represent the same problem that higher level wizards do but from level one. Eventually the DM must come up with a solution and then keep throwing it at you, which feels bad for both parties. "Everyone stocks counterspell, every combat has an anti-magic assassin" feels just as bad as "every combat has several archers who will zero in on your frail low level bird person"

I agree 100% with Murph on the bird fighting point. Especially in a 1v1. I could take on a goose but I'd be worried by geese

I had no idea what “little dagger” Caldwell was talking about until he said main-gauche, and a wave of Final Fantast Tactics memories rushed back to me, where I first heard that name

Why don’t you treat the “average roll” concept as a less-powerful Chronal Shift with more uses? If a roll is bad you could try and make it better by rolling another and then taking the average, or vice versa if you want a baddie to roll worse

As someone who owns turkeys I could absolutely snap one of their necks like a slim jim

No more pardoning a turkey each Thanksgiving. New tradition is the President has to fist fight a turkey to death

IF THOSE BIRDS WERE EATING JILL LIKE TUCKER DOES LMFAO

Weaver of fates thread modification- (anyone can use, i just loved the bones of this idea) you give an already deceptive character this thread. 1 time, when they are lying about having done something in the past (i bought a ship this morning, i used to work at this tavern, i learned this language in my childhood, etc for example) they can use this thread to attempt to trick fate itself into making this lie true. deception check must be exceptionally high for a success, and on a failure, everyone nearby sees through the lie. and maybe others have advantage on insight against you for a bit??? youve failed to pull one over and the dm should give fun trickster consequences for someone caught in a lie. this could go super crazy but its only used 1 time, and mostly would only work with a character good with deception already, so feels proportionally fair. i love the idea of tricking your way into success

In Pokémon, flying types have advantage over fighting types. You ever tried to punch a bird?

Just to be thorough... re: hitting birds out of the air - Randy Johnson, 2001

Australia lost a war against birds. If birds were more motivated, we would never survive

As we are currently in Swooping Season in Australia I can confirm that a Magpie can and will peck your eyes out for recreational pleasure

Need to get bird facts mulligan to consult next time

I used to have pet turkeys, they are mean but Murph could definitely kick ones ass

I actually think the alternative armor dodge/block rule would be really good for very specific types of encounters, like Hank Hogfish’s pit fighting mini game.

Hate to say it jake but you can only read this first episode for the pilot

The world of tortle tank really is just unfettered capitalism - the court turns their wigs and the salesmen pitch without regard for Justice

Counting vertical distance, doing occasional checks for bad flying conditions (rough terrain) and an increased number of aerial predators would be pretty reasonable for a campaign with a bird pc

For the flyers here im playing a genie warlock and at lvl6 three times per long reat you can fly 10 min at will. You also get a sick as lamp house and your own robin williams father. #jinscorcher

Please share the Jake Affleck picture

Next Mixed Bag: Murph 1v1s a turkey

The thread of destiny would be tight if some alternative boon were granted if the dm calls you a liar but you ain't. Like, the thread still vanishes into the ether but you get a glowing ring of light that you can expend to impose disadvantage on the DM once, at any time. This keeps the stakes high for calling the bluff, so it doesn't continuously sow the boring kind of distrust that comes with asking if they're a liar each time. We can up the penalty for getting caught too

Can someone who is good at fan art PLEASE draw Murph fighting a flock of birds?!

Murph could absolutely 1v1 most birds

Bird-centric conversations with these guys are always *chef’s kiss*

I was just catching up on all the bonus torts what a treat to have a new one!

Wow, cool! We always listen during dinner, and now an early treat just when the roast is done? Awesome, thank you!

Caldwell's intro always punches me in the face and then spits on me