Tortle Tank: 13 Beautiful Eggs (w/ Branson Reese)

Hitting zero gives exhaustion is ideal. My entire hate for season 1 bahumia comes from a few fights, especially the theala fight with hardwon where he gets brought up by a bonus action healing word then does 300 damage. That bonus action healing word essentially just becomes a 9th level spell if were going to allow that to happen. Thematically it makes sense too. Hitting zero doesn't inherently mean unconscious, it means gassed. Per the PHB "hits are an abstract combination of physical and mental durability, the will to live, and sheer luck." Hitting zero means you stumble, but youre picking yourself back up, but youre absolutely gassing yourself at that point like the last mile of a marathon.

Casionova is SS tier pun also Cuckoo's earned the right damn it. they reseeded the earth post Apocalypse where other birds failed

Putbull! Patrick Steward. Stanley Tucci

Nice Kosheï the deathless ref (aka Immortal Bony iykyk)

Mr. Worldwide, the pinnacle of bald celebrities wasn’t mentioned 😔

Tried to go sleep to this and then the 13 beautiful eggs happened

The bard playing an actual instrument should be only a recorder playing Hot Cross Buns. Vicious Mockery? Hot Cross Buns. Cure Wounds? Enjoy the healing power of Hot Cross Buns. Cloud of Daggers? Say hello to my little Hot Cross Buns.

I will hear no slander of birds!

For the shared initiative pitch, you could do something like in Daggerheart, where you both roll to attack and pick which one succeeds, and then combine damage.

The parry saving throw instead of ac should be a fighter subclass or the swords bard

*shaking at the bars of my enclosure* what about stanley tucci

5.5e help action is what they described : you can’t do it without proficiency 😳

Vagabond has a similar thing to the “players roll to defend rather than GM rolling for the monster to attack”. The creators rationale is that the tension in fiction always comes from whether or not the hero succeeds, and that there is no tension in the monster rolling a nat 1, slipping on a banana peel, and essentially bailing the hero out. He also doesn’t have monsters roll saves. If you use a spell to restrain the monster with vines, we assume they WILL break out unless you roll another magic check to restrain them. Monsters are assumed to be deadly, they hit automatically and break effects automatically, but the players actions are what stand in their way. I think it’s a neat idea, but personally, I think you can get rolling fatigue, so dividing the rolls between players and GMs makes sense to me.

Just realizing I haven’t seen Caldwell play a bard yet. And I feel like we as a society are severely missing out

Caldwell was correct, the new exhaustion rules apply a -1 penalty to ability checks, attack rolls, and saving throws for each level of exhaustion you have, Emily had the 2014 rules pulled up.

The only legitimate counter to the “bards get to play instruments” is Sam Riegel, and only because he’s extremely talented had like 15 seconds at most of his parodies, and somehow kept it fresh across the 100 episodes. He’s the only one who’s ever made it work.

Poor Branson a podcast about dnd mechanics is not his forte 😂 they should have done another dungeon court with lol

In 5.5e RAW you can only give the help action if you are proficient in that skill anyway. So they already limited the help action that way, which kinda makes sense But I totally think adding proficiency at high stakes high DC roles if that makes sense narratively could be really fun!

If you're swinging so hard, you have a better chance at hitting? Heh. Tell that to Charlie Brown, Emily.

WHERE ON EARTH IS MY ANIMORPH SPOILERS WARNING OMG YOU RUINED THE SERIES FOR ME

“Peenalize” 12:51 ayo sus bro🥹🥶

So when calling your shots, instead of being prone when you miss, you just become wide open to attacks by losing that many points off your AC until your next turn?

Butter Bean is my cat's name 😂

The "crit combo" idea is actually very similar to a spell in pathfinder called Winning Streak.

Tbf my intention was mostly sound machine and much less guy at a party with an acoustic guitar. The real winning sound? That of this delicious crunchy egg

Listening to this off the coat of Sweden on a tiny island in the archipelago and I wondered which remote locations you've listened to naddpod in..?

Additional bald people I also thought of when they were thinking: Samuel L Jackson, Charles Barkley, Shaq, Stanley Tucci, DMX, Michael Jordan, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant…I’m bald though too so they stick with me

Based on how much it seems the Two Crew likes the idea of free form initiative and tag teams/combos, I feel like they might get a kick out of dipping their toes into Daggerheart

The "going down gives you a level of exhaustion" is basically a repeat of "every death save fail is a level of exhaustion" on a previous Tortle Tank, isn't it? Was very strange hearing Murph work his way back to that idea.

ornette coleman mentioned <3 i love this Reese dude 12 years later and 5e players are still discovering flat bonuses watch this is just worse ss/gwm. i don't get why it was submitted. then they're talking about fixing it and saying there should be a penalty like yeah it's called missing. you took a feat to miss. that combo rule is how your wolves kill a level 1 martial in one round of combat lmao. sooo anti melee martial, despite only functioning well for them. i guess if it's a player only rule it's fine. very jrpg

Apparently today is the 22-year anniversary of the Dave Matthews Band Bus Incident

You guys I have tinnitus… and it was my submission they brought it up on… NADDPODD are you watching… Caldwell are you in my walls…

I've started listening to Rude Tales to fill the gaps thanks to these guest appearances. Love it so far! Great "Hot boy summer energy" from minute one!

No jk simmons?

Coasties not knowing about Casey’s Breakfast pizza 🙄

the tinnitus jokes needed a CW lol (I'm kidding but also not)

I've been at tables where you can only give the help action if you're proficient in that skill

Omg. I went to look up the rules for initiative ties because I was pretty sure it was RAW that players chose the order when they tied with each other, and not only is that true, but the DM decides the order of any tie involving a monster or NPC. Comparing dexterity scores is not mentioned at all in 5e or 5.5e. It's been a house rule this whole time.

do yall not do dnd bonus cases anymore?

YES! I love Tortle Tank!! Not to be a no-chortle Tortle here, but you missed some some details that could sway your beaks! First, Emily read the 2014 Exhaustion but Caldwell was right that the new one is more lenient imo: It stacks a -2 penalty to all D20 rolls and 5 ft. penalty to Speed. Still death at 6, but Disadvantage is a -3.33 shift in average D20 roll so the first level is better at least. Second, Murph, I have great news buddy: The 5.5e rules state that you have to be proficient with the relevant skill or tool to give the Help action. The last thing is that the whole "Higher DEX breaks Initiative ties" is already a home rule, both the 5e and 5.5e rules say that the players decide on the order when 2 PCs tie and the DM decides on monster-monster or monster-PC ties. The 5e rules also suggest a classic roll off, though. I really do love Tortle Tank, I swear! You just have to be careful with your eggs and also give creggdit where it's due :3

The way I was screaming “PATRICK STEWART AND TAYE DIGGS” at my phone during the beautiful eggs segment is truly unhinged

I am in an uber on the way to the airport and am fighting for my life masking my laughter as coughing whilst listening to the 13 bald men bit. 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚

My GM gives a level of exhaustion for each failed death save, plus one to start with when you first go to 0 HP. (He says it's from an old ruleset but I couldn't find info about that online) The levels of exhaustion do get brutal though when you can only clear one per long rest.

"casionova" was SO fucking good

Caldwell is right 5.5 changed exhaustion to: reduce all D20 rolls by 2x exhation level and speed by 5x exhaustion level. The ability checks rule is 5E.

Emily must’ve had the old exhaustion rules pulled up, Caldwell was correct that they changed it. It’s a penalty of -2 per exhaustion level to rolls, -5 ft of movement per exhaustion level.

Omg David Cross 💀 that was under appreciated

Butterbean has a stall at a nearby flea market every weekend near my town. I should totally pitch this to him

I’ve always added up the damage done to my monsters! Can confirm that it’s easier. Idk about the rest of that pitch

S/o to Casey’s breakfast pizza

‘No, he has a lot of hair’

Just an FYI anyone who sometimes listens via Spotify, this episode isnt working correctly

Cukoos: the evil bird, one of the bad ones, AKA the god-shunned bird

What a powerful beginning for an episode to threaten the tortles with implementing a bad idea

Koshei the Deathless jumpscare! I love Emily's legendary pulls

Shout out to anyone listening on patreon because the Spotify file is broken and yay tortle tank!

Cassionova did not get the love it deserved

*Active Defense:* When defending against an attack, PC rolls *1d20 + [AC – 10]* to meet or exceed the new Enemy Attack DC of *12 + [to-hit attack modifier]*. I think of it more like an ability check! If my AC is 16, I roll +6 to dodge/parry/WITHSTAND. If a monster gets +5 to hit, I must meet or beat 17 to block damage. I get distracted rolling dice and doing math while also GMing, I want only players to do it all the time instead. And I like if players have things to do in the monster's turn. Rude Tales has kicked so much ass for years and years! Most recent episode of Blue Kindness High is one of my favorites ever done. Absolutely killer fun stuff. It's a privilege to deliver a seed (like a type of egg) that let this episode establish a cinema juggernaut we all will love for many decades to come.

"a thief deserves your wallet because he was able to successfully distract you" quite possibly the worst fucking take I've ever had the displeasure of hearing on this show, do you have any idea how world shattering it is to have your wallet stolen overseas? how much stress that puts on a person? imagine you have to miss a flight back home since your ID was stolen, then you lose your job, then you lose your house, it literally destroys lives all because some thief was able to get away with it, I get Caldwell was joking but that other guy didn't seem like he was

How dare they not mention SIR Patrick Stewart.?

It’s so funny that they mention Fast and the Furious but it doesn’t occur to them for Vin Diesel to be one of the thirteen bald men

Can confirm, bards bringing real instruments to the table is very very fun whether or not they can play the instrument

King of Carot Flowers is a GREAT fucking song.

You guys missed so many bald black guys 🤣 Michael Jordan! Shaq! Samuel L. Jackson!

today's entry in "caldwell's weirdly good pun that they immediately gloss over" is 'Casionova'

God I love Branson, my four favorite role players in one place? Nothing better.

Guys, where's Dr. Robotnik in the list ??

Paul Scheer as a bald guy

GLUG! GLUG!

My eggs are thrumming for some Tortle Tank action.

Northernlion

sploosh

I’ve had an awful, stressful couple days and I’m really grateful to you all for the distraction and company xoxo Love you

A late pitch obviously but I would have gone with Brineson Reef personally

I was going to say that as the friend and lettuce dispenser to an excellent tortoise I always look forward to these episodes. Then I found her attempting to steal catfood like a miscreant. Again. Would the tortles consider some kind of community service/internship? I think she needs to be scared straight.

TIME TO GET TORTLED TEAM

Branson Reese on Tortle Tank? I'm sure this won't get absurd in the slightest.

Yayyyy!

yaaasssss i just clocked out omw to spend my tip money on dice 😋

here to deliver the eggs 🫱🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🫲

Thanks Dice Christ, just finished the main feed episode and here we are!

My god

Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Tortals back the tank!!!!