Submit for Tortle Tank!

Shellmily might love this I gave my level 12 cleric a shield fashioned after the Aegis from Hades. He could throw it up to 30 feet where it would spin stationary for 2d10 (kind of a beefed up cloud of daggers). It could also be recalled as a bonus action, dealing the same damage on its path back to the wielder. He died next session to a mechanical dragon because his party members suck, so I don’t really give a shit, idk give me murph’s most cantankerous egg and I’ll be happy. Not like the poor dwarf can use it anymore. Whatever. Also Amir is funnier

Game world with no 'manufactured' magical items, but there are many plants that have magical effects. Healing bushes, etc. All magical items are hence 'consumable' and single-use and last only until you eat them, inhale them, rub them on your skin, etc. Helpful in keeping my PCs from getting hold of anything game-breaking. I have added some new ones of my own devising. To wit: the LieBerry (say it fast). Eat one, roll advantage on next Deception check.

Yall are probably done recording but I thought of an item listening to old tortle tanks: a weapon that can deal percentage damage. Once per day, instead of rolling damage you can roll percentile dice and deal a percentage of the target’s current HP as damage. I guess it could also be a ring that let you do something like it for spells but not cantrips. Also hey there tortles

Psst pretty please add the short rest / bonus tortle episodes to the collection! It's hard to find them when they're just in the short rest thing

Shello Tortles and Tortellinis I present for you consideration “Stacking Resistances”. Have you ever want to play a red dragon sorcerer as a red Dragonborn only to realize that you are wasting one of the fire resistances granted? With Stacking Resistances you get both! You second instance of resistances causes you to take 1/4 damage and if you manage to get 3 sources of resistance then you are outright immune to that damage type. I seek 8d6 eggs from the hottest tortle for 1/4 of my shell corp.

To the transcendent talented terrapin Emily Axford, and those who have the honor of following in her wake, I present to you: Helpful Actions. My players always want to give help actions, but I want them to fail sometimes! Does it not make the story more interesting when our characters are proven to be fallible? The PCs are not OP gods, and neither are their familiars? (Except Paw Paw) I propose instead of help actions granting advantage, players can grant one of their hit die to add to another PC's roll (oppa tactical mind style). This way, players have a limited number of help actions as their hit die would be expended until their next long rest. For this, I ask only one century egg, and for the tank to tell my dog, Boone, he is a good boy.

Greetings, Tortles, and thank you for your time. I know you're busy Tortxecutives, so I'll cut to the chase. What I have to offer you is something that, despite its simplicity, brings value and entertainment to both players and dungeon masters. With one small rule tweak, this can offer your adventures more depth, intrigue, excitement, and, as always, shenanigans. This rule tweak? A simple two words: Partial Fluency. Languages are one of the most integral, fundamental aspects of fantasy fiction and yet woefully underutilized in D&D because its mechanics are so clumsy. Either you know a language fully or not at all. There's no in-between. Not only is this wildly unrealistic, but it's pointless. Why should the DM both having NPCs speak in anything other than Common? If the players can't understand it, then they miss out, and if they do understand it, then why even bother? Just stick to Common and be done with it. The only time language comes into play is as a puzzle mechanic or potential roadblock, just to give casters the occasional chance to use that Comprehend Language spell they kinda regret picking. The Partial Fluency rule changes all of this. Instead of one language characters know flawlessly, they can take two languages that they're partially fluent in. When presented with an opportunity to read/hear it, they make an Intelligence + Proficiency Bonus check to see if they understand it. The DC is conditional, set by the DM, based on things like how legible the text, how rapidly the speaker is talking, and so on. Now, instead of a boring "Either they know it or they don't," you introduce the possibility of "maybe." Maybe that NPC they were spying on saying the prince was secretly a doppelganger but maybe it was the princess? Maybe the label on the vial says "Antidote" or wait, maybe it says "Poison"? With Partial Fluency, your vibrant, diverse, wondrous landscape filled with dozens of distinct fantasy races can have them speak something other than Common, and your players can have a reason to actually pay attention to what languages they speak (and kinda-speak). For this offer, all I ask in return is a single huevo. After all, one egg is an oeuf.

Tortalorts. We all know that death doesn’t have stakes when you can pop back up every round with Revivify. But, the game has instant-death effects that make blanket bans on resurrection frustrating. I bring you a system to make each death matter — that isn’t an annoying delevelling mechanic. Each time you are brought back to life, the minimum spell slot level required to resurrect you increases by 1. It starts at a base of 3 with the 3rd-level spell Revivify, and goes up from there. E.g. if you’ve been brought back twice, it takes a 5th-level spell slot (i.e. Raise Dead or an upcasted Revivify) to revive you again. An 8th resurrection would require a 10th-level spell slot, so after 7 revives you can’t be resurrected by anything short of DM-sanctioned story bullshit or a Wish spell. This restricts how often you can be resurrected as you level up and unlock higher level spell slots and makes it more expensive over time, while preserving the option to run to a high-level ally or make a devil’s deal to bring someone back I’m offering a 49% share for 100 eggs, extra pulp.

Honored and egg-shell-ent inv-egg-sters— Allow me, a humble purveyor of magical whoozey-whatzits to tempt your temptacles with a wise, wise investment. I present to you: Brine MerFee’s Hacksaw of Intelligence! A one-of-a-kind treasure that cuts like a ferocious fighter and enlightens like a tranquil monk. Sure, the Hacksaw of Intelligence may have the stats of yer run of the pond battle-axe, BUT…Here’s the magic: for every ten points o’ pain this rustic/rusty beauty delivers, its target gains one point of Intelligence. Can that really be right? Yes, it is right. And good. All intelligence gains reset immediately upon a target recovering any health by any means. This INCR-EGG-IBLE item is ideal for: interrogating goblins assisting desperate wizards and for any barbarians brute forcing their way through a riddle… And it can be yours TODAY with an exclusive offer. An offer. For friends. What do I want? Only your foulest eggs of the strongest odor. I know what I have here and shan't be short-changed. Drippily yours, Brine ‘Murky’ MerFee, Merfolk Merchant

Hello my tortle friends! I offer you an item for bards who want to shred on an electric guitar: The Gigavolt Shredder. This electric guitar is engraved with lightning runes and therefore has the ability to shoot lightning. If you play the guitar as an action, you can cast the Shocking Grasp cantrip, with an extended range of 60ft. But wait, there's more! If you expend a spell slot, you can cast Witch Bolt instead. If that spell slot is 3rd level or higher, you can cast Lightning Bolt. If that spell slot is 6th level or higher, you can cast Chain Lightning. This guitar is sure to become a player's favorite item, and will be loved by bards everywhere. For this amazing instrument, I ask a humble 500 eggs.

Hello Tortles, Have you ever played a character that dual wields their weapons? Did you struggle to find two magical weapons that synchronized well with each other? Well look no further than Mister Mucci's Magical Melee. Oiler and Zippo are a combination short sword and dagger. The short sword, Oiler, has a mechanical switch that when activated on an attack douses or infuses the enemy with oil. The dagger, zippo, is a beautiful dagger inlaid with a strip of flint that causes a spark on attacks. Attacking with Zippo on an oiled up opponent causes as extra 1d6+5 fire damage. Refilling Oiler with a flask of oil costs 1 Action. (Essentially flame tongue with extra steps but much less rare and less of the damage is fire.) The ole one two are a pair of weapons, dealers choice, that when hit with in succession add charges to the weapons. Each charge can be used to add and attack/damage bonus. Five charges can be expended at once to grant a critical hit. Missing any attack causes the weapons to lose all stored charges. Other honorable mentions include: Peace and quiet (allow you to cast silence, and darkness on yourself however many times a day), Hear No Evil and See No Evil (cast blindness and deafness upon hits however many times a day, and if the enemy is under both they are also mute), Set and Stun (One weapons sets up the opponent to being stunned by you till the end of your next turn and the other makes them make a save or be stunned for expending a charge.) For each item from my Emporium given to a PC of yours I request three eggs for my Western Omelette. Cordially, Mister Mucci

Hey they centaurs! I come with not one, but FOUR pitches. One for each of our esteemed shellebrity torts, tailored to your unique and discerning tastes. Shellmily- Baba Yagas yoga mat- a flying carpet fit for Shay- grants a 5ft hover speed and advantage on charisma checks to woo someone. Caldshell- Summon Little Buddy- 2nd lvl spell- grants adv on wisdom saves against frighten effects and can give help actions, but disadvantage on stealth and intimidation. Lake- The Cuck Knight. A basic fighter who seeks to win back the affections of his estranged wife by defeating the dragon Tucker. Uses commoner stats, doesn't level up. Surfy- The Murph Bot (npc)- as a reaction can counterspell or impose disadvantage on spells/actions that are too goofy. Activation phrase is "knock it off". I seek no payment in exchange for these ideas- consider them repayment for the joy your work brings to so many.

おはようございます亀たち🐢 Or should I say: shello and good shellings dear torts I present to you a blasphemous idea that is an affront to all dice Christ holds dear, which may make you retreat in your shells, but I ask you: what tortle doesn’t like a little bite of apple every now and then? I’m a middle school teacher in Kyoto and this idea hails from the students of my international club with whom I occasionally DM 1 hour campaigns after school. Let me first explain that my kids love to lie (probably because they are 13 and have recently been introduced to card games like BS and Werewolf). At the start of a session players are given one token (it can be anything, I’ve used bits of eraser and 1 yen coins). The player can then, at any points during the session, proudly proclaim to have rolled a nat 20 even if they have not. If the DM is suspects that the 20 is indeed, not natural, they can call BS. Players caught in a fib will then have their roll considered a nat 1. However!! If a DM calls BS and the roll turns out to be a beautiful, bodacious, real natural 20– the DM must then consider their own next roll a nat 1. Whether a fib is successful or not, the player must then return their token to the DM. When my students first suggested this idea did I clutch my dice Christ prayer beads? Absolutely. But considering we roll our dice on the school tablets, and we don’t see or hear each other’s rolls, this was an unexpected way to introduce some excitement back into rolling. In exchange for this idea we want 5 beautifully soft boiled eggs left over night in a container of soy sauce and mirin. Also 1 million USD.

The Draught of Peter Griffin Shellom fellow tortles. Quick question, who likes rolling lots of big dice…? (Please ask for a show of hands now Jake) …Wonderful. I’m so glad you’ve all decided to invest before I’ve even begun. I’ve come to you all today to pitch my latest invention. Put simply, it’s a potion that will allow you to create new, deeper backstories for your in-game characters. It can be hard as a player to flesh out the many minutae of a detailed character history. But what if there was a way to create lore out of thin air… retroactively? I present to you: the draught of Peter Griffin To set everything thing up as the DM, for each of three d20s, create a list of 20: * Activities/events that could take place in your world * NPC and/or player characters in your world * Locations in your world. As your player drinks the potion and rolls the three dice, their character speaks uncontrollably: “Hey Lois, this reminds me of the time I [blanked] with [blank] at the [blank.]” Just like that, along with a quick flashback sequence narrated by the DM, whatever they have recalled is now retroactively canon, and officially part of their character’s backstory. This can lead to some hilarious situations, like your bard having gone on a ski trip in hell with the story’s main villain, but if you ever as the DM find that a player has landed on an item that feels too out of line for what could reasonably be expected in your story, just move down on the list by 1 until you reach an alternative that works. I hope you see my vision, tortles. And before you ask, no, I am not willing to negotiate on the character invoking Lois Griffin’s name. Frankly, it’s a key part of the experience. I don’t find much use in eggs, however I am very interested in egg “men,”specifically figurines of doctor eggman from the sonic franchise. About five will suffice. Thank you.

Shello, my dear Tortles, dive into the tank with me as I present to you the Frame of Veiling. This magic item ressembles a simple wooden frame, measuring 3ft by 6 and holds a finely crafted canvas. When activated, any creature standing within 5ft behind the frame, as well as the frame itself, become invisible. The frame remains transparent from one side, allowing the user to see what lies behind it as if they were gazing through a window. Once activated, the effect lasts for 1 hour. After the hour expires, the frame displays the last image that passed through it before it deactivates, showing it as a vivid painting on the canvas until the next use. The frame can be used once per long rest. It has an AC of 11 and 5 hit points. When reduced to 0, the magic effect immediately ceases. Now, my dear Tortles, for this magical frame, I will give you 90% of the profit if you simply take me to brunch and treat me to some eggs benedict.

Hello bruvs! Just joined the patreon today, very happy to be here :) I humbly submit that any missed spell/ranged attack hits an unsuspecting nearby background creature, who will join combat with their own initiative, intent on getting back at their perceived aggressor. I call it Caw Caw’s revenge…….

Turtles of the Coast, Today, I offer you to invest in a mechanic we used in my in-person gaming sessions. Too often do us player characters fight our weight through a veritable army of enemies without a care of how that impacts the battlefield. Using a small token, indicate on the battle-map where fallen enemies (and allies) lay. Each one of those tokens indicates difficult terrain. I recognize this doesn't add to theater-of-mind campaigns, however it drastically changes the flow of battle and allows players with movement skills and ability to truly shine. To this, I ask a single measly owlbear-sized milk chocolate truffle egg.

Ahoy there ye ancestors of the mighty dragon turtles! Drop anchors and call all hands on deck while I tur-tell ye of my latest and greatest magical item: The Garb of the Pirate King/Queen! Comprising of a supple leather eyepatch and a fetching tricorner hat, this item allows the wearer to sense the presence of precious booty (coins, gems & valuables) within 1000 feet, three times a day as an action. Aarrrr, but what's a matey to do with such riches? Avast, for once during each of the savvy wearer's turns when they cast a spell, they can pay the ghosts of pirates past for the use of one of their already-expended spell slots of 8th level or lower at a rate of 100gp per spell level! Shiver me timbers! I be seeking the deeds to a beachfront retirement property in exchange for this item which may or may not curse the wearer to speak like a salty sea-dog. One of ye best take the deal, me hearties, or ye'll shortly be walking the plank!

Shelloo, Have you ever thought to your self, geeze wiz if only I can do more damage on this natural 20. Well do I have the curse sword for you introducing (excessive fan flair music) Sword of Life Steal Every successful hit results in a 1 d6 of hp taken from user. On a natural 20 all life force to date taken is delt in damage on top of the critical. Requirements attunement +2 to hit 3d10 damage, bonded to user cannot use other weapons or 2 d6 of health taken from user. Will need a 5th level remove curse.

Hey Tortles! I come to you today with some simple table games for use in casinos. 10s Game: (like Blackjack but the goal is 10) Player vs Dealer Players start by rolling 1d6 and 1d4 and adding them, and can “hit” by rolling an additional d4 and adding the result to the total. Players may bet before each “hit,” but a total of greater than 10 results in a loss or “bust.” Dealers “hit” by rolling an additional d4 and adding it to their original result. A dealer must “hit” if their total is less than 8, and must “stay” if their total is 8 or more. After both player and dealer “stay,” play discontinues and the higher total wins. Bets pay 1:1. Doubles: (a little like Roulette but only if you squint) Players roll 2 of any die, trying to hit the same number. Bets pay out half of die value (1:2 for d4, 1:10 for d20, etc.) Doubles can be modified a couple ways: Players roll 1 die, betting on a particular result beforehand. This has the same odds, so payouts are the same as above. Players bet on a particular result of their 2 dice, multiplying the potential payout by 10 if they win. I offer a partner position and 50% stake in exchange for please helping me name these better.

hello Tumultuous Torts and shellcome to my pitch

Shello to the Masters of the Tank I come to you with a rule that I have been implementing for tense and dramatic scenes! Introducing… the Pushed Roll This comes to us from Call of Cthulhu, where if you would fail a roll, you can instead Push it. The way I use it, the player rolls again and must take the new roll. If they succeed, great you did it, but with some story drawback. If you fail it can be catastrophic! It’s on the GM to describe or ask the player what they think will happen as consequence. I used this in a cult initiation ritual the party infiltrated and participated in, and some mislead, scared NPC’s met their untimely end due to a players failed pushed roll. It has had lasting dramatic consequences for the PC and we’ve loved using it in our game All I ask is for 3 and a half of your finest eggs, soft boiled to help keep me fuelled in future games Thank you for your time!

good morning tortles, are you tired of boring guns that kill people and do nothing else? are you staying up at night pondering the wasted potential of ammunition? worry no more, I present to you the pissball gun. My players love it. Its a paintball gun with specialized "bullets" including, but not limited to, piss. You can also load them up with potions or condiments, but my players generally go for piss. A pissball has the potential to cause disadvantage on the target's next attack roll, and the smell makes them easier to track. I ask for only one egg, sent in an envelope by mail.

Hello tortles! My pitch is that you have the three black halflings on Tortle Tank, especially since the time Jork accidentally said "shelllloooo halflings," which may have put the firm in hot water

Tortles, I have a system for rolling stats that will never leave you wanting for the wonder of Dice Christ or leave you disappointed with over or underpowered characters. It's called the 3-up and 3-down method, feel free to roll alongside me and feel the joy of the perfect stat generator (it may get just a little crunchy, but I promise, it's worth it) Begin by rolling a d6, a d8, and a d10. This generates an array of three numbers, for me, I've rolled a 4, 2, and 9. You then use those numbers in a set pattern like so. 10 + d6 (4) = 14 15 - d6 (4) = 11 10 + d8 (2) = 12 15 - d8 (2) = 13 8 + d10 (9) = 17 17 - d10 (9) = 8 Voila. It's as simple as that. By using the power of subtraction, every player ends up with a total of 75, so it shares the stability of point buy, without sacrificing the joy of dice rolling. The other wonderful benefit is that for every strong stat Dice Christ provides, so too do you end up with a weak one. I am seeking 3 unfertilized egg for this idea to be used as a "spread" of mayonnaise. Sharks, help me to bring Dice Christ back on to our tables. P.S. You may end up with a boring spread with this idea consisting of middling rolls. Not to worry, combining this idea with pooled stats (everyone can choose anyone else's stat spread). This bears zero risk since everyone has a total of 75 anyway.

To the esteemed Tortle Sharks. Here is the missing piece from the dating game. The role to fall in love (as borrowed from Legendlark.) You take a D20 with you on every first date. When they reply to your role with a confused or bewildered look, roll again with disadvantage. When your date replies with, “can I give you the help action” or some other DND reference, roll again with advantage. All I asked, for this idea is one fertilized egg that I may raise a turtle as my own baby after I finally succeed in rolling a Nat 20 to fall in love. #IBelieveInDiceChrist.

Good morrow illustrious Torts. I shall be brief. Put simply: expanded shield types. You already have your standard shield that adds +2 to your AC. But now, you can have two more options: the buckler and the tower shield. The buckler only adds a +1 to AC, but straps to your wrist, freeing up both hands for bows or two handed weapons. Still requires proficiency with shields to use. The tower shield adds a whopping +3 to AC, but you have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws while using, and decreases your speed by 5ft if you are not proficient in heavy armor. I am offering a 30%stake in the company, and all I ask for is a dozen of some of your healthiest eggs. Thank you for your time.

Hola Tortugas! I present to you an item sure to tickle the fancy of shenanigan prone players everywhere: The Rock of Relativity. At first glance it’s nothing more than a pebble roughly the size of a d20. Not very useful you say? Well, it’s just a matter of perspective. When a creature attunes to the rock, it appears the same size to them no matter their distance from it. To everyone else, however, the rock grows or shrinks to maintain its constant size relative to its observer. At a distance of 30 feet your pebble packs the punch of a 1ft diameter boulder (this math is verified by actual experimentation). More distance = more size. The only limit is your imagination! Will you strap it to the end of a whip to dramatically increase its damage? Or will you try to coax your BBEG to the bottom of a cliff: a prime spot to drop it from! “Overpowered!”, I hear Murph shouting from the back? Don’t worry DMs; balance in all things. The user remains attuned to the rock as long as they’re within 30 feet of it, but beyond that range they must maintain line of sight on it or attunement breaks and it reverts to its original, tiny size (which can be quite hard to find, wink wink). Also, if it gets too big, it crushes under its own weight, destroying the magic inside but leaving a brand new mountain in its final resting place. And for ease of math; I’ve been equating its combat utility to fall damage: +1d6 damage for every 10 feet away from the observer. I ask only for two eggs, but I request your biggest one, as well as your smallest.

Hello investors of the half shell. I bring before you the Substitution Dagger. This was born from a love of a certain Naruto ability and the desire to have my PCs interact with the maps more. It’s simple. You use an attack or reaction to through the dagger at an object of medium size or smaller or creature of the same size like a barrel and you switch places with it. It must be within range and there is a set AC to hit for base objects or if it is a creature it’s AC. However to make it not OP it cannot be a pact weapon or any other way bonded so you can’t spam it. You have to go retrieve it to use it again and if you use it to switch places off a cliff with a bad guy you do it but lose the dagger. My players always forgot about it and it never saw combat even with the anime themed monk in the party. I even made it where since you can’t bond to it then it has no attunement and they can freely pass it around to see what they came up with but alas nothing. I am asking for a reasonable -3 eggs. Yes that’s right I will pay for you to use this idea. Be careful though don’t let them sit in the PO Box too long or you will have 3 angry tortles to deal with. I just want this item to finally get some play time so anyone please use this.

my tortle tank idea is that you do more surprise round

Ok so I know I'm super late BUT Here is a fun RECENT one from a game I do every Thursday. This campaign is well over a year old, reaching it's end arc and early on I gave the players a pokeball type of item to store Player Characters in if they miss a session. During a visit to a lesser deity the players had to trade valuable items for knowledge, think the watchmen but a steep price for his knowledge. A player traded the pokeball, which would have been fine except Tobi, the groups elven sorcerer who has been missing several sessions due to work was INSIDE OF THE POKEBALL. The player rolled a nat 1 on persuading the deity to accept the pokeball, so the deity took it and crushed it into dust, along with Tobi inside of it. Now, the group must find a new pokeball to store PCs in should they miss a session, also they think they killed Tobi.

Dungeon Crawl At The Mall Esteemed tireless tortles! I present a brief one shot idea in exchange for hopefully a soft boiled ramen egg. The idea is beautifully simple: a dungeon crawl at the mall. The PCs are shitty mall rat teens, the mall is getting sucked into another dimension. They need to save all the employees and customers at their favorite stores. I offer this humbly before you (and would love tickets if you did a version of this at live show but just the requested egg is acceptable)

For those Lost In The Tank, an idea not for DND, but for the show Tortle Tank itself: a Leatherback Sea Turtles average clutch size is around 110 eggs, therefore I propose at the start of each episode, each Tortle rolls 1d100 +10 to determine how many eggs they have available to invest. --- For the No Chortle Tortle: The Sword of Sacrifice, a +2 Greatsword which allows the wielder to automatically crit instead of rolling an attack, in exchange for their Max HP permanently decreasing by 5 each time this ability is used.

Hello Tortles, I bring a much anticipated racial option that is sure to please the shellholders: the Star Spawn You increase your intelligence score by 2 and charisma by 1. Your size is medium and you are up to 7ft tall. Your base movement speed is 30ft. You have resistance to psychic damage. Worm body: You have advantage on checks to escape being grappled and you can squeeze through a space as narrow as 1 inch wide if you are wearing and carrying nothing. Larval psionics: You may cast the Infestation cantrip at will, at 3rd level you may cast Entangle once, at 5th level you may cast Mind Spike once. You regain the ability to cast these spells after finishing a long rest. Intelligence is your spellcasting ability for these spells. You can speak read and write common and deep speech. For this 25% of this race I request a single egg to be launched into space.

Greetings good torts What I bring to the table is something I stole from SW5e (which I know Emily is a fan of) and making into my own because we live in tort eat tort world. Don't you hate it as a DM that your shit talking bard Nat 1d and you can't punish them more. Or as a player that you nat 20 on saving throw and you still be consumed the breath weapon of an ancient dragon. Here I bring critical fails and success on damaging saving throws. If a creatures nat 1s on a saving throw that deals damage, they take max damage of the damage die would be. On a Nat 20 you take the minimum damage of that what ever that damage die would be. For example, if you nat 20 on a 3rd level fireball you will only take 8 points of damage, and on nat 1 you take 48 points of damage. This assures theres still uses of evasion for monks and rogues. This is rule intends for more volatility in combat and designed for campaigns that doesn't have small combats like 5e intent to, but rather campaigns that relies in big epic combat once in a while which is becoming more popular. As long its a damaging saving throw this rules applies. What I would like for this idea is an Ad space on Jake Hurwitz substack that says "get egg'ed" and a picture of what ever torts choose to put in the Ad.

No intro: Catspiration. Anytime my overly friendly cat completely lies down on your lap you get inspiration. However you must use it before she rests on someone else's lap or else you lose it. You can only hold one inspiration at a time. Also my cat drools when happy so that's just an added bonus. I know my idea is good. All I need in return is a good egg sandwich with sunny side up eggs (that's dippy eggs to murph). You get 100% ownership of the idea but I keep my cat

Good evening Tortles, I have a tried and tested homebrew I call "Recap Blessings". At the start of every session, I have one of the players recap what happened in the last session. After they do, they are able to roll on a table of blessings which grant a small boon for the session, such as the ability to cast a particular cantrip, resistance to a damage type or a roll of portent. I've found this super helpful as in not only encourages the players to engage with their notes and get excited for the coming session, but it helps me to see what particular story beats stood out to the players by what feature most prominently in their notes, and what didn't land by which moments they don't spend much time paying attention to. As an optional addition to this product, I've recently been giving players personalised blessings, so each player can roll on their own specific table which gives boons particularly useful to that specific player, such as the rogue getting an extra sneak attack die or the wizard getting a buff to firebolt. Takes a bit of effort up front but once setup it's the gift that keeps on giving. For this idea I'd like as many eggs as I can fit in my swag bag, thank you

Shello, Benevolent Torts! I come bearing a powerful mechanic for any horror-themed campaign or one-shot. I deployed it in Curse of Strahd to great effect, and I present to you: Corruption Dice. Place a pool of d6s in the center of the table. Whenever a character fails a roll, they may choose to roll any number of Corruption Dice and add the results to their total. That’s right. Any number. Yes, Murph, I said any number. Any Corruption Dice rolled are then placed in front of that player for the remainder of the campaign. Whenever a player takes their first Corruption Die, ask them to describe how the darkness has begun to influence their character. At 3 dice, have them describe the first physical signs of corruption. At 5 dice, grant a small mechanical benefit that reflects the nature of their corruption—but be sure to narrate how they are slowly losing their humanity. At 8 dice, the reward grows stronger, as does the transformation. Their appearance should undergo a dramatic and unmistakable change. At 10 dice, they are lost. The corruption has consumed them completely, and the character becomes a monster under the DM’s control. For maximum impact, have an NPC progress through these stages early in the campaign so the players clearly understand the consequences of embracing corruption. In my experience, this mechanic creates fantastic roleplay, encourages deeper character exploration, and turns failed rolls into meaningful decisions. Some of the most memorable moments come when a player has to decide whether success is worth one more step into the darkness. All this for the low, low cost of one pristine egg.

Shellom, I made a monster for fun. 1 egg would be appreciated but not necessary since I had fun. Thank you for your time. Enjoy the flaming giblet. - Lou https://docs.google.com/document/d/1s3AibpTK-6VwG7nOMNnD1JX7bu4d6wevXJD6593SnTs/edit?usp=sharing

Greetings Tortles, Do you like giving players something to do between their turns in combat? Do you love spelling?! Me too! I present to you, the Rod of Arcanagrams, which my players have had a blast with. While attuned to the rod, at the start of each day, the rod fills the mind with scattered fragments of wild magic arcana from which spells may be constructed. The player pulls 22 random letter tiles (borrowed from a Scrabble set). Once per day, they may arrange the letters to form the name of a spell, which they can cast once at 3rd level (upcast if required) without using a spell slot: - Existing spells of 3rd level or lower can be cast normally. If there are minor spelling mistakes, it can be cast but with side effects decided upon by the DM. - OR The name of a completely new 3rd level spell can be created. The player pitches to the DM what they think it does. The DM decides exactly what effect the spell has. If you want to get your hands on my rod, I'm looking for some scrambled eggs with butter, salt and pepper, preferably on toast.

Shell-utations tortles of all carapaces’, I bring forth: Weapon skills(I’m sure yall will think of a better name but it is the umbrella term). These skills are not just for axes, hammers, and swords but also magical focus tools as well so our magic buddies aren’t left out. One such skill is “Last Stand”: when the user is at 5 % max health or lower they can crit on an extra number and add 5 ft to their speed. Another is “Metallic Flair”: three times, recharge all on short rests, user can impose a con saving throw(DC = users AC), if target fails; blinded till end of users current turn and cannot take an opportunity attack if user moves away. If target passes they are not blinded and any opportunity attack they take has disadvantage on user. I am offering the rock I keep the spare key in, to whoever would like to work with me as these are two ideas of a lot more and I don’t want to waste all yall turtles time. If no wanting to work together maybe just a deviled egg sandwich(not turtle eggs) and I’ll give you the full idea book

Blessings tortles, Have you ever wanted to bring more coin flips into D&D? The anticipation of a flipping coin (or DVD) flying through the air to finally land on the side fate decided? I know Caldwell has. My brew can come in two different flavors. Either class specific with the wild magic sorcerer subclass, allowing you to spend sorcery points to make any D20 roll a 50/50 shot or use it through the lucky feat where you can expend 2 lucky points to flip for it. For this whimsical homebrew, I ask for your biggest and largest egg. Or if you are feeling lucky, we can do a coin flip. You win, I’ll take only your smallest, weakest, frailest egg. If I win, the biggest, plumpest egg from each of you. I humbly wait for your response.

Based on a Dungeon Court submission, because I thought this nightmare item could be fun for a chaos DM if it had actual mechanics to it. Juicer That Can Juice Anything: A standard sized automatic juicer which can produce juice from anything as an action. The nature of the juice is ultimately up to the DM's ruling, but typically is a potion with effects thematic to the object- a stone about the size of an orange produces a single *potion of stoneskin*, for example. The potions produced by the Juicer last for 1 day, and cannot be sold to shops. If used on a creature, or an object too large to fit in a juicer (larger than a grapefruit), it takes a number of combat rounds equal to the creature or object's Hit Dice, during which the creature or object must be continuously held in the Juicer. If the creature or object escapes or is removed from the Juicer before those rounds are up, roll a number of its hit die equal to the number of rounds it was held, and loses hit points equal to the total, as well as any hit die that rolled above the average. A creature of any size will almost certainly need to be restrained, as the process is painful, obviously lethal and is considered an attack by the juicer wielder for the purposes of charm and dominate spells.

To the group that made me fall in love with story telling again, At the end of the day, we're all just adults looking to escape the realities of the world, reaching for our youth that's slipped between our fingers while carrying responsibilities that ultimately don't mean much of anything. So that's why at my table... Nat 20 on initiative: Advantage on first attack. Nat 20 on saving throws: 1/4 damage. Murph: nice hair Caldwell: nice jawline Jake: waddup bruh Emily: never stop feeding the strays

Shallow Tots. Long time listener, first time caller, hate the show. I come to you on behalf of all the Caldwells of the world. My offering is a magic item that involves flipping a coin (or your shiniest DVD) both in real life as a player and as your character. The Coin of Absurd Determinism operates on simple attunment, and its user's devoted faith in a logical fallacy: "Everything is 50/50, it either happens or it doesn't." Once per long rest as a reaction to the RESULT of ANY D20 roll you can flip the coin and attempt to bend reality to your foolish whims. On a success, the results change, and thus were always going to occur as desired, on a failure, the desired result was never possible in the first place. These alterations to the universe occur at the DM's discretion and are intended to be monkey's pawed a little, and the item is intended for campaigns where the continuity of space time is either a narrative focus, or is completely irrelevant. I flipped the coin and it turns out i never really owned this idea to sell it to you, but if you could give me all the coins in your big Millenial wallets we can call it square.

Oh hi gentle turts! Ever ridden a giant bug up a mountain and gotten to the cave you were looking for, only to realize your giant bug that you paid loads of gold for won't be able to come in the cave with you? Or, you know you're about to come up against a wizard who is definitely going to fireball you, but you have a cat and the little dude only has 1 hit point? That sucks, right? Well, check this out: the Buddy Bottle! Attune this ordinary-looking bottle to a willing Beast of your choice. Inside the bottle is a demiplane containing a lovely habitat for that specific animal where it has access to food and water and a nice place to rest. Simply touch the opening of the bottle to the animal, and it pops into its nice little home, safe and sound. To release the animal, turn the bottle upside down like you're pouring it out, and say the animal's name. There you go. No more abandoning steeds or worrying about vulnerable critter pals. Get one for your giant riding bug. Get ten for that one party member. I just want one egg. Your hatchling will be well cared for.

What is up you glorious shelled creatures! I present to you: Elisabeth's Commoner Method. A way of bringing variety to commoner stats and a way of generating player stats. Start with a standard array of 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Add racial ASI bonuses. For commoners, that's it. Instead of the flat 10's it gives a little spice to the important commoners. For players, add 1d6 to each stat in order. Fairness and strategy of a standard array with the fun chaos of rolling. All I'd ask is for a video of a big old tortoise grazing in a back yard. We can take the idea far.

Shello tortles of indiscriminate yet variable value that is monetarily measurable, Have you ever fought a monster, rolled a 21 and then the DM says “you missed!” For a second, you ponder whether they’re lying, or if you were simply one number off… well I would like to propose the CLANK! Mechanic. Similar to how when a creature is at half HP the DM has the option to say the creature is bloodied, when the player is one number off from the AC the dm can proudly claim “that clanks!” Giving the player a glimmer of hope for what could be. This also can be flavored into the world as a close parry, or armor starting to give way. In exchange for this hope inspiring idea, all I ask is for a single egg (optional) and the privilege of using my masters in saxophone performance to play a quartet made of NADDPOD music at a live show next time you’re in Florida.

Good evening shelluminaries, I come to you with a rule my table uses to spice up natural ones. I call it the bilbo rule. After one rolls a natural one, misfortune isn't guaranteed, because you then roll a percentile die (d100) and guess high or low aka above or below 50. This determines if things go badly or not. Where things get really interesting is that we also guess a number. My go to is high 69. If you guess within 10, the dm rewards you with a magic item table roll, just like how bilbo fell on his face and found the one ring. Guessing the number exactly increases the rarity. The dm gets final say on what you get so you won't break the game, and dice christ can reward you for doubling down on your dice. I ask for 51 percent stakes and 5 percent of eggs generated going forward as well as any oopsy eggs.

Greetortings, I come from the distant future seeking a single cyber egg which I can use to hatch a galactic black hole terrapin for totally innocuous and non-evil reasons. My pitch was originally used in our game of Starfinder, but could be used in other games as well. When wanting to help another player, the assisting party states what skill they will use to help. Based on their justification for that skill, the GM sets and states the number they will need to hit. If met or exceeded, the assisting party grants the other player a +2 to their roll. If they beat the number by 10 or more, +4 is granted. If missed by 5 or more, it's instead a -2. If missed by 10 or more, it's a -4. Or advantage and disadvantage or whatever if it's not a path/starfinder game. I don't know, I'm just here because I want a cyber egg, my sister rudely ate mine.

Shello and shellutations most prestigious and chaotic torts. I bring for you the dumpER stat. Im sure others have done this but, in my most recent one-shot, it was used to hilarious effects. When playing characters made by the point system, you would give players a 6 a MINUS 2 to a stat but in contrast, give them an 18 on another, right off the bat. I prefer rolling but its nice for 1st time players to pick their stats. It led players to try out their dumpER stat more often than a little -1. They had negative initiatives, ability saves and the hilarity of being the non-face character trying their hardest to haggle. It also gave our party huge upies when they succeeded! Being the underdog and rolling a nat 20 or 19 was more of an uproar than than the rogue getting a 27 to stealth. I don't know if its good for long term campaigns, but for a silly little one-shot, it worked great! I ask for 1 funny looking egg to add to my collection. Preferably speckled. Thank you.

A most Holy Greeting to your Tortles I come to you with a change to Paladin's signature spell, Divine Smite. I run a game with a Nature themed Paladin and while he Smites the good Smite as much as the next guy, this Paladin and his God have no reason to hate Undead or Fiends that specfically draw Divine Smite's ire, so I granted him the ability to, once per day, no action require, declare someone an "enemy of nature" which extends the additional 1d8 benefit normally reserved for Fiends and undead. While not a gamebreaking damage boost I believe this change better represents the holy warrior arcatype, as it lets them cast judgement in the name of their God and put forth that all Paladin's should be able to declare enemies of their faith to get this benefit. I'm seeking 1,500 gold pieces or the egg equivalent so I can upgrade from Scale Mail to Plate Armour. - Matthew from New Zealand (P.S I met Caldwell at the Sydney Liveshow, I was the guy dressed as the Grinch who was stopped from wearing the mask because it was security risk)

Shello tortles! Have you ever been mind controlled before and just couldn't break free because your wisdom was too low, even if you had advantage? Well no more. With this homebrew idea, if you deal damage to an ally while they are charmed, frightened, or otherwise out of their right mind, they may add half of the damage to their saving throw to end the effect. This is to help it from feeling too frustrating that you can't break free from mental domination. And while you could do 50 damage to your friend to snap them out immediately, that's 50 less health they have to work with in the battle. I believe it has a nice balance of trying to do enough damage to snap someone out of it, while also no doing too much so they don't immediately fall unconscious anyways. I'm not asking for any eggs, tortles, I just need you to look closely at this egg attached to a string that I'm swinging back and forth.

Hello tortles! And Jake. Before I begin, I’d like to ask Caldwell to please explain to Jake what an isekai is. I’ll wait. Great. Now that Jake (maybe) understands isekai tropes, here’s my pitch. This is the Isekai Campaign. A modular, MMO‑style D&D world where players don’t start with a dramatic backstory or a prophecy. They start as commoners. Not chosen ones. Not prodigies. Just regular people who logged into the wrong fantasy server. Instead of an overarching storyline, the party chooses quests from a board. Each quest is a one‑shot pulled from my book (shout out to One‑Shot Wonders), which means I always know exactly what I’m prepping next. To lean into the isekai fantasy, players complete quests and earn Tokens. They spend Tokens to unlock the actual mechanics of D&D: classes, races, feats, stat boosts, feat slots (similar to Murph’s GoNG mechanic). Almost everything is something you earn. Outside of quests, players can freely respec anything they’ve unlocked. Swap classes. Swap races. Rearrange feats. Try out wild combinations. It’s a full isekai progression system where the characters literally level up the interface. And yes, characters still level up normally. Now, tortles, I know what you’re thinking: “Why would we invest our precious eggs in a system that lets players change races like they’re swapping hats at a mall kiosk?” Because this is recurring egg‑venue. Every quest is a new session. Every success is a new unlock. Every unlock is a new micro‑eggtransaction. This campaign loop is so addictive that even a dragonborn barbarian would say, “Hey, maybe I do want to try being a halfling artificer for one dungeon.” So tortles, are you ready to reincarnate your portfolio and put your eggs into a world where the grind never ends?

I will also throw in my Nat 20 Initiative homebrew, see if I can coax out a chortle from the No Chortle Tortle. On a Nat 20 Initiative, the player can jump in at any point of their choosing in the first initiative. That's right, they just decide "I go now" and from then on, they are slotted into that spot in the order. A further complexity, to test Murph's patience even more, I will allow a player to interrupt a turn. Say an opponent uses their movement to approach your ally, if you call to go before their action is declared, your full turn happens as you are extra prepared, then your opponent can finish their turn. From then on, your initiative is slotted AFTER that opponents initiative. I request one perfect egg for my perfect fix.

Hello Torts! I came here to present to you a half-baked idea of Max Stat Action. Doesn't it feel like maxing out stats is a little under rewarding? Yes Murph, I know +5 is good, but it could be better. Well what if I told you you could unlock more actions/abilities when stats hit 20. For example maxing STR allows the PC to have the siege property to their attacks. Or maxing con means you can resist death once per long rest. This homebrew allows the PC to have that anime / power fantasy feel. All I ask for is for Jake to eat cake made from your eggs.

Torts, turts, and trouts of all ages -- Feast your eyes on the Dagger of True Death. A -1 dagger that does 1d4-1 damage and requires attunement. Pretty shitty, no? Well, it has a hidden magical property. When you have 0 hit points and either 1 or 2 death save fails, the dagger magically hovers towards you. On your turn, before you roll your death save, you may choose to grab the dagger. If you do, you can choose one target up to 500 feet away from you. The dagger and you fly towards that target, and instantly kill it and disintegrate its body. Your body is also instantly disintegrated, leaving no trace behind -- so if you have any heroic last words, better say them before you grab the dang dagger. Hope your cleric has a 9th level spell slot handy! All I ask is 21 eggs up front, plus a perceggtage of all the profits from the movies that will inevitably spawn from this extremely cinematic weapon.

Tortles, let’s get down to business. Have you been aching for a cantrip that offers great flavor and is mechanically satisfying so you don’t feel like you’re wasting one of your precious cantrip slots on a goof? Well then let me introduce “Grow and Decay,” a cantrip for Clerics, Druids, and Archfey Pact Warlocks: Grow and Decay Necromancy Cantrip (Cleric, Druid, Archfey Warlock) Casting Time: Action Range: Touch Components: V,S Duration: Instantaneous You reach out and touch a piece of organic material and choose either “Grow” or “Decay” and experience one of the following effects: Grow: The target seems to become more full of life. Plants grow and flower, gaining more vibrant colors. Creatures have scars fade, cuts coagulate, nausea averted, and an energized feeling, granting them an additional 1d4 to their next saving throw before the end of your next turn. Decay: The target must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the target takes 1d8 necrotic damage. If this reduces a plant to 0 HP, or the target is already deceased, it begins to rapidly decompose. If the target is an Undead or Plant, it makes this saving throw at disadvantage. Cantrip Upgrade: The damage increases by one die when you reach level 5 (2d8), 11 (3d8), and 17 (4d8) In return for this cantrip, I simply seek one fertilized egg which the character I created this spell for, a Bullywug Life Cleric who worships Gaia the Earth Mother, will raise into a little Tortle sidekick for himself. I also offer full naming rights for the creature who hatches to you.

Good evening Tortles What is the most long lasting roll that every player does multiple times per session? That's right, rolling for HP on level up. Do D8s hate you in your quest to not be the squishiest member of the party? The obvious solution is to do advantage on the roll, but in my opinion that is too strong. I present to you Minor Advantage. If you would normally roll a D8 on level up, go ahead and also grab yourself a D6 and roll those bad boys together. This way it helps prevent you from the ones and the twos, without being as strong as plain advantage. ll I ask for this idea is access to a line of credit of 20 shells.

Greetings tight and twisted Turts Today I bring before you a game that can be incorporated into carnival-like settings: the Crit Flip. If your players opt in to playing this game, they will flip a thin cylindrical object with distinctive sides. Preferably a DVD, but a Blu-ray or other Compact Disk will do in a pinch. If they call the flip correctly, their next critical failure will be treated as a critical success. If they call it wrong, their next critical success will be treated as a critical failure. For 31% of the Crit Flip, I am seeking 3D8 eggs, or a single egg from the great Aspidochelone. Thank you for your time.

Greetings discerning Tortii, Picture this: a righteous Paladin uses his holy +1 blade to strike down his longtime adversary, an evil knight. Standing over his fallen nemesis, the Paladin loots the corpse, and finds an evil +2 weapon. Sometimes "cursed weapon" is exactly the hook the DM wants. Sometimes, however, the DM has other plans, and wants to reward the players with cool thematic loot without making them change weapons or thinking through how their weapons "naturally upgrade". For this situation I present: "Item: A +1 Gem. Have a skilled blacksmith detach it from its current weapon and attach it to yours, and boom, your weapon is now +1 higher in attack and damage rolls". I'll take 5 eggs for the basic concept and an 20/80 deal on egg royalties from modifications: possible bonus enchantments, forging wild magic surges, etc. Shellom and good day, Kofly Kingston

Shello Torts, Have you ever been trying to tank for your team but been forced to sit their helpless while someone runs past you to hit your wizard? Have you seen a party member go down while you still have full health, and wished there was something, anything, you could do to help them? Well now you can! Introducing the Wristlet of Transposition! With this bracelet, once per short rest you can expend your reaction when an ally wearing a matching bracelet gets hit to switch positions with them, taking the attack yourself. The attack must hit the new person's AC. I am looking for 2 of your sharpest eggs for a 38% stake in my company.

Most esteemed Tortles, Everyone knows that spellcasters are cool and powerful. However, I've witnessed a phenomenon that makes veteran spellcasters only half as cool as they could be: fear of failure. We've all seen the moment when it happens: a novice Warlock casts Charm Person, a young Bard casts Tasha's Hideous Laughter, a Wizard uses their only 3rd level spell to cast Bestow Curse -- and the bad guy saves. The player pauses, sighs, and says, "Well I just wasted my turn". And that sucks. Each time this happens the player grows more hesitant to use a spell that's a "waste of a slot", and a little bit of the magic in that player's imagination dies. For one BIG egg, I present to you a way to encourage creative casting: conditional immunity. When a creature saves against a spell that would fail completely, no spell slot is expended; instead that creature becomes immune to the effects of that spell for 24 hours. The attempt would still count as the player's action for the turn. A precedent for this already exists in D&D, for example a Pit Fiend's Fear Aura, a Ghost's Horrific Visage, or failed possession from the spell Magic Jar. What's the harm in letting our players try something fun before falling back on the old reliable damage spells?

I am honored to have this opportunity to share my idea to the flotilla. I ask you to think about all the times you were running a game as Turtle Master. How many times do you think you asked for someone's HP? Hundreds? Thousands? How many times have your players told the healer how much HP they had? Too many times. My idea is simple. Don't tell me how much HP you have. I don't want to know. When I hit you for 11 damage and you have 12 HP, you know I didn't pull any punches. Same when I deal 12 damage when you're at 11 HP. I'm not trying to mean. I have no idea how much health you have. I'm tracking all these enemies. For this super simple idea, all I ask is for six of your driest, saltiest eggs. Don't ask. I know a guy...

Tortles (but especially Caldwell), meet the Coin of Chaos The coin has one charge which resets at sunrise. The holder can use a reaction to invoke magical chaos and alter a dice roll (yours or another’s). The holder rolls a d20 or flips a coin (or CD) 1-10 (or Tails): Treat the die roll as a natural 1 11-20 (or heads): Treat the die roll as a natural 20 (Multiple people can attune, but you must be holding the coin and conscious to invoke it) Dice roll manipulation mechanics (such as the Luck feat or Lucky) cannot be used to alter the result of the Coin of Chaos ---- This idea started as a prompt to annoy Murph but I actually got very attached to it and am adding it to one of my games! I like it's ability to be used for last ditch efforts or silly things alike Thanks for reading :)

Greetings Chelonians I come to you today with a tweak to DM inspection or Heroic inspiration as the hatchlings are calling it these days. Let me paint you a word picture: you're a stout dwarves cleric facing down some manner of giant beasty when the DM asks you for a DC 23 dex save because the bastard is trying to cook you and everything else in a 90 foot cone. You have a +0 to dex and you are the only support minded member of your party so no help there either. Even your Heroic inspiration from telling that great joke earlier is useless here because what good can advantage do when it's mathematically impossible. What if instead heroic inspiration functioned the same way as a bard of your level providing their conveniently similar named class feature and could at least give yourself a fighting chance. Think of the suspense as you roll that extra dice. Think of the look of surprise on that smug beasty's face as the stout dwarf combat rolls into a axe thrown into it. For this idea I am asking for a single egg, ideally a blue one P.S. making a turtle post without referencing discworld was a struggle

A while ago I heard you guys talking some ~shit~ nonsense about how to poach an egg, and I have been waiting my sweet time to come back to you because I just had to speak up. First of all I work for Shell, so you bet I know a thing or two about this. Secondly I already trademarked “Parma Jeans”, and I’m ready to sue. So, all this nonsense of vinegar and making a tornado, completely unnecessary. Just get a shallow pan, non-stick if you’re easily scared, and fill it with 5 cm (2 inch if you don’t do science) of boiling water. Bring it to a simmer and then crack the eggs. They won’t move, won’t spread. It’s ok if the top of the yolk is cheeky-peeking out of the water. Cook for 3-5 min, depending on whether or not you’re afraid of runny yolks. That’s it, no mess, no stress, no fuss. Unfortunately you have now been contaminated by my IP, so you’ll have to accept my deal or you’re cooked. What I want is one of your spots at the tank, up to you which one, and I’ll contribute my incredible business acumen as well as 5 qt eggs. If we settle this the friendly way, I might teach you how to make a banging Spanish tort-illa (TM). Else, I’ll be making a big batch of tortle soup. Think wisely, I’ll be there before the next waning moon (fyi that’s when sea turtles start to gather before laying their eggs).

Shellom Tortles! I have a proposition, designed for Curse of Strahd campaigns without a Cleric or Paladin. The Holy Symbol of Ravenkind is a very good item, but it requires being a Cleric or a Paladin of Good alignment to attune to it. What if your party doesn't have one? Or you want your party to use the symbol in a different manner? I propose this: instead of its typical features, of imposing disadvantage against saving throws against Turn Undead and casting Daylight for 10 minutes, the symbol acts as a spellcasting focus to cast any Cleric spell from 1st to 5th level, using 2 of the symbol's charges per spell level. Spells cast in this way follow all typical rules of spellcasting including concentration. My idea can be yours for the most blood-drained egg from the rattiest clutch.

Greetings to the ever-wise and benevolent Tortles. I love what you've done with the tank! I come before you today with a proposition for a new feat or passive feature I'd like to call "watch this..." My idea is as follows but I will say up top that I am absolutely open to changes (unless they're from Caldwell, who unfortunately will have to flip a DVD to institute any alterations). Similar to the Great Weapon Master and Sharpshooter feats, you can call your shot by taking a penalty to an attack roll (melee, ranged, or spell) to possibly increase the damage. Before you roll, you will claim you're taking a deduction to the attack roll and for every -1 you can add a D4 to damage. There is no limit to how much you can deduct but if you call the shot and miss, you will roll and take the damage that you would have added to the attack. I think that this would add some more risk/reward to combat without being overpowered. In exchange for 69% of my company I'm looking for 420 eggs that I will raise as my own and release back into the wild. Thank you all for your time.

To the Torts of supreme entrepreneurial spirit, I propose to you this. Why do we always conceive of rpgs from the birds eye view? I say to hell with those birds! (throws stone at two prop birds in a bush) Say hello to side scroller roll play! -its like videogames -its more suited to dungeon crawling -you can draw out a whole bunch of environmental doohokies that the players can interact with. The revolution is now and all I require is for one of you to take a chance and dedicate your eggs to the cause. So long as they arent the winged kind!

Shello tortillas and tortellinis! Are you tired of your barbarian being bad at intimidation? Your high level snobby wizard being laughed at by every guard and bandit? Well have i got the home brew rule for you! Introducing best stat intimidation!! (BSI for short.) Its never made sense to me that intimidation is based off charisma as i would argue they are nearly opposites. Instead I and, after an impassioned speech from yours truly, my DM have the homebrew rule that you can use your highest stat for intimidation since the argument of having it tied to your charisma is tenuous at best. As we all know, strength, intelligence, dexterity etc. can all be intimidating. It has given our party the chance to actually use intimidation. We still fail plenty of checks but it always opens new avenues in the game that otherwise we would never see. Its just an aspect of the game that is so fun and making it more accessible has been nothing but a positive for our table. As a farmer, i have plenty of eggs so i am asking for $10,000 cash. Or if your assets arent very liquid right now i understand and ask for a rain dance instead to hopefully break the two year drought we are in. Thanks!

Tortles. First, a gift: DMs should track damage done to their monsters by adding from zero up to max HP, instead of subtracting from max HP to zero. Wild pitch: Active Defense. Instead of DMs rolling to attack, we reverse the math so players roll to avoid attack. The monsters have an "Attack DC" and players roll to meet/beat it: 16 AC = +6 to the player's AC roll. Saving throws are unchanged. Please: thirteen beautiful eggs. It is confusing and my players reject it but I still believe. If you fund, I will explain how to find monster Attack DC. Thank you for your time.

Sup turtles 🐢, There's a non-zero chance Murph is gonna hate this so I'll be quick. Critical Initiative: When more than one friendly creature gets the same number initiative roll after all modifiers are calculated, they gain the following benefits: • Ceatures are under the Shared Initiative effect • The creatures with Shared Initiative will be able to decide the order of their Shared Initiative, rather than having it chosen by Dexterity • Creatures that go after the first person in their Shared Initiative gain advantage or impose disadvantage during their first turn of combat That's it. I don't think you need me to explain why this is fun and easy to implement. (But really. It's a quick little team-building thing for players on their first turn. And it's a sinister way to give DMs a chance to crack a few eggs in the first round of combat.) All I ask in exchange for this is an egg filled with the idea of Murph no longer complaining about critical initiative anymore. Cheers,

Finest Tortles of the Tank and also Codfish, I come with a rare opportunity to get in on a timeshare, literally. The ninth level spell Time Stop is a spell with vast potential, but when a player takes 2-5 additional turns, the rest of the table is left waiting for the heroic lone-wolf coup de grâce by the wizard (or sorcerer) who cast it. Introducing, the finest timeshare in all of Trinyvale: Time Stopp (pronounced Time "Staw-puh-puh"). With Time Stopp, the caster may allocate any of their extra turns to other members of the party to act in the same initiative within the time stop. Roll a 4 and get 5 extra turns? Give yourself two extra turns and lend the other three to each of your three party companions. It's like a self-controlled surprise round -- exactly what a time stop would look like to an enemy. All I ask in return is 30% of your eggcome since this is technically also a real timeshare and I need to take your money or eggs or whatever to fund my yacht.

Hi there, Tortles, would you like a new magic item that might work great or backfire hilariously? It’s called the Canyon Hopper and it looks like a magical yo-yo. Once per day as a bonus action you can toss it out and it will launch you up to 50 feet in that direction. At the end of your next turn, you will be tugged back to where you started from as the yo-yo retracts. It’s a little farther than a misty step, but it is not a teleport, you are flying through the air. If something moves in the way, you will hit it and stop moving. Good for battles across a canyon or ravine. Good for a quick rescue or a smash and grab. But be careful, you only have one round to do what you came to do before being yoinked back. If you want to buy in, I’ll need two eggs and a piece of string so I can make an egg yo-yo.

Good day, Tortles. I bring to you today... Chaos. I expect no investors in my product, but instead stand before you simply to have my voice heard by my fellow DMs that want revenge. Revenge for the shenanigans and buffoonery our PCs have put us through. But now it is our time. What I propose is a 10% chance than any inanimate object is a mimic. Not a fully stated out mimic, simply a small annoyance that will deal a single piercing damage as it bites your PCs and runs away. Will you as the DM be rolling constantly to see if an object is a mimic? Yes. Will your PCs immediately get tired of this? Also yes. But do you care? Maybe. If any of the Tortles wishes to buy into my pitch, all I ask is for a single egg that has a 10% chance of being a mimic. If there are no investors, then I simply hope my words have caused a table of PCs somewhere to sigh in frustration as they are once again bit by a mimic. Thank you for your time.

Shello your Tortleenesses! Do you find constant, reflexive Help Actions get a bit silly? What if you could make them more interesting? I present The Chuck or Succor Check! Instead of just giving advantage, the assisting player attempts to hit the other dice to change a bad roll. The player making the original roll can then choose to use their dice plus modifiers or the other roll raw. Try it out, and if you like the idea I'll take a number of eggs equal the sum of the dice you roll.

Tally-ho tremendous turtles. I am here to pitch a homebrew item I made for my parties armorer-artificer in my Arcanna-tech themed campaign. It’s secret ability triggered in my last game and it was rad as hell. Repulsor Gauntlet (Rare, wonderous item, requires attunement by an Armorer Artificer) The Repulsor Gauntlet appears as a plate gauntlet, interlaid with arcane runes which siphon and direct its Ingeniamancy energy into magical effects. While attuned to the Repulsor Gauntlet, an Armorer Artificer receives the following benefits: • +1 to attack and damage roles from any armor model attacks. • Repulsor Shield. Reaction. Trigger: you take fire, force, lightning, radiant, or thunder damage. The user gains resistance to said damage type until the beginning of their next turn. • After using Repulsor Shield the Repulsor Gauntlet gains 1 charge. The Repulsor Gauntlet can safely store 3 charges. The shield stays in place while the player has resistance, any additional sources of resisted damage add additional charges. • Repulsor Blast. Bonus Action. Requires 1 charge. DEX save. Failure 1d10 Force damage and the target is pushed back 10 feet. The user can spend additional charges to increase the damage by 1d10 and the distance pushed back by 10 feet per charge spent. Success: Half damage. Secret Feature: Overcharged If the gauntlet absorbs 4 or more charges the arcane energy overloads the gauntlet and the following occurs immediately. DC 15 INT save. Success: The wielder directs a torrent of arcane energy in a 5 foot wide 50 foot long line. Each creature in the line must make a 15 DEX saving throw or take 4d10+10 damage of whatever was the triggering damage type. Failure: the energy is redirected into the wielder, causing them to take the damage. There is no saving throw, and the damage cannot be reduced using the Gauntlets abilities.

Greetings and shellutations, Tortles. There are players out there who are of a different cut. Those who seek to add some whimsy and dare I say... harmony to an otherwise grim and foreboding world. For those most melodic of min-maxers, I have a humble offering; a homebrew spell I affectionately call "Lazareth's Musical Moment." This 6th level spell is available to bards, sorcerers and warlocks. The spell requires the caster to have a Charisma score of at least 16 and/or proficiency in performance. This enchantment spell has a casting time of one minute and a duration of up to 10 minutes (with concentration). When casting this spell, you put on an enrapturing performance for every creature (excepting those you select prior) within 100' who can hear you. The affected creatures must make a Wisdom saving throw or be charmed by you and must join in your performance, singing and dancing as though they have known the lyrics and steps their whole lives. Taking damage breaks the enchantment. Any Dexterity (Stealth or Slight of Hand) checks made against affected creatures have advantage for the duration. Tortles, for this Disney Princess experience, I ask for a mere dozen eggs and a hearty chortle. Who's ready to make some magic??

To the gang that inspired me to do my first (and second) improv shows: I'm a professional game designer and figured I'd take a swing at something fun that would keep Caldwell busy for a while: 5e Item: Disc of Variable Distraction Wonderous item, uncommon This glossy disc has two sides, one that shines like a rainbow, and the other with an image. The disc is flawless, save for a circular hole in the center, and is enticingly flippable. A creature that is within 5 feet of the disc and can see it must succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw or be compelled to flip the disc repeatedly until it lands image-side-up. A creature that cannot pick up the disc automatically suceeds on the saving throw. A compelled creature must use its action on each of its turns to flip the disc, rolling 1d2. On a 2, the disc lands image-side-up and the effect ends. On a 1, the disc makes an unremarkable sound that is inarguably bad for radio. A creature that succeeds on the save or the flip is immune to the disc's effects for 24 hours. I ask for nothing in return, for you've already given me so much!

Good evening turtis's. Are you tired of your players bitching about the lack of cool armor in your low/no magic campaign? Yeah me too, but i have the solution! I introduce to you Armor points! Armor can have up to 6 spendable points to resist the damage of 1 attack per round with a reaction. The amount of points correlate with the 6 tiers of rarity. 1 for common, 2 for uncommon, 3 for rare, 4 for very rare, 5 for legendary, and 6 for artifact. Tiers 1 and 2 only allow reduction to physical damage, 3 and 4 allow 1 additional type of elemental damage, while 5 and 6 allow an 2 additional elemental resistances. Using all of the points will rend your armor destroyed lowering your AC what it would be naturally. You can only replenish points by having your armor repaired by a armorer. The DM decides how much each Armor Point costs to repair at there discretion. This could work in a high magic campaign just as well. I come to you humbly asking for 100 of your thickest shelled eggs for this IP P.S. this is play tested and rules so dont fucking low ball me, I know what I've got. Looking at you "jake" in the grass.

Hi Tortles, Do you ever find it frustrating bringing together a table of disparate PCs to form a heroic party of adventurers? Does having them meet in a tavern where an inciting incident just happens to unfold feel old, tired, and suspiciously convenient? Then why not make your players unwitting stooges to destiny by making them reincarnations of legendary heroes of the past, reborn now because an ancient darkness, long thought vanquished, threatens to return? Suddenly mysterious visions, dream sequences, half-remembered lives, and memories of ages long past can haunt your PCs whenever you need to deliver exposition, clues, or the next narrative twist. For the low, low price of your first hatchling’s first eggs, you too can purchase a 40% stake in the franchise model for reincarnated heroes. DMs who take on a franchise need only name one ancient hero for each D&D class, then randomly allocate one of those heroes to each PC. Each PC gains Preternatural Points equal to their proficiency bonus, refreshing on a long rest. For 1 point, a PC can give themselves advantage on a skill check or saving throw tied to the natural proficiencies of their predecessor’s class. For 2 points, they can use a low-level feature from the class of their former life: Second Wind, Rage, Channel Divinity, Bardic Inspiration, Cunning Action, or whatever else highlights the supernatural muscle memory of a soul that did cool heroic shit. As your campaign unfolds and your PCs level up, you can introduce stronger class and subclass features for higher point costs. You can also reward them with former-life-inspired feats in lieu of levelling up, or grant them an additional attunement slot usable only for a magic item their former self once carried. This allows more time between level-ups without players getting angsty and asking for more toys, because now they get new toys with extra emotional baggage, plot hooks, and the disdain of the greatest wizard who ever lived. A wizard who, frankly, can’t understand why he has been reborn as a person whose main interests are hitting things with a big hammer and threatening to hit things with a big hammer. Thank you for your time and consideration. And please ask yourself: if you aren’t interested in this opportunity, maybe the long-dead hero you once were would be. Don’t you owe it to them to invest?

Tortles, I have a raging good deal for you, For just 5 cracked eggs and a couple carrots you can be an eggvestor in a new anger fueled ability called Rage Steal, An enhanced raging barbarian puts out an aura of anger that can spread to their enemies, they do not attack, enemies within 10 feet will make a DC 16 wisdom check, if they fail they will be compelled to attack and the damage will actually heal the barbarian for half of the damage dealt, instead of hurting them. If the check is passed they will realize the barbarian wants them to attack and be told to think twice about it. Many words hope it makes sense.

Greetings, tortles. What I'm about to pitch may change the egg-laying game forever. It's as simple as it is ingenious. Why wait for your campaign to get popular enough for ad revenue when you can simply sponsor it yourself? Tortles, I give Self-Sponsored Sessions. At the start of each session, I declare an in-universe company/brand as the session's 'sponsor', and do an ad read for an in-universe product/service. The players all, based on the ad read, guess how much money it would cost them, and the one who gets closest starts the session with Inspiration. Tortles, this has been a phenomenal worldbuilding tool and way to get my players thinking/learning about the world before we even start. This has led to a LOT of success at the table. So much success, even, that over a dozen different companies have reached out to sponsor my campaign indefinitely! As I am now LOUSY with eggs, I am more than happy to allow you all to invest to your hearts' content, all I ask is my name remains on the shell company.

Greetings Tortles! I bring before you the Crit-Combo system! One of the things I felt was missing from the game of Dungeons and Dragons, was combat synergy so I developed the Crit-Combo system. When you land a critical hit, you will now have the option to start a c-c-c-combo! The next player in initiative will be able to use their reaction to move up to half their speed and attack the original target. This next attack will be made with advantage. The dc for a crit will also be lowered by 1. If the next player also crits, that will trigger a combo to the next player in initiative as well, lowering the threshold for a critical again by 1. This can continue until the combo reaches the player who originally attacked, then the combo ends. Ex: The barbarian uses his reckless attack and rolls a natural 20! He chooses to trigger a combo, he rolls his damage and then it is the champion fighter’s turn in the combo since she is next in initiative. The fighter can now crit if she rolls an 18, 19, or a 20, since she is a champion. This continues until a character misses or the final player hits. I am seeking an investment of your doughiest egg in return for 3.14% of the pi.

Shello my Chelonian Tycoons! also hey caldwell. I am here to pitch you on the idea of speedy, rechargable and ecologically concious. I am here to pitch you on the Bandoleer of the Selfless. While a creature is attuned to the bandoleer 5 glass darts (syringes) appear in the holsters at dawn. During a long or short rest, a willing creature may prick their finger on the dart to donate 1 hit dice to fill the dart. These darts function as throwable Greater Healing Potions, dealing a small amount of damage (1d4+1) on hit for a potentially large amount of healing (4d4). Any allied creature can throw a dart if they can collect it from the attuned creature, but given its source from a trickster it comes with some pretty heavy punishments for misuse. This item works well in a low magic world as a way of boosting low healing options. If you feel this item has potential all I ask is that you hide your eggs around my life Easter Bunny style so that I can see surprise Tortles when they hatch.

To the tortles go the spoils, and this includes my very own creation. The Quad Barrel Rifle. This devistating rifle is inspired real life multi barrel rifles which incorporate multiple triggers, one for each barrel. The rifle does a standard 1D12 damage per shot, however, it can fire multiple shots at once. Each additional shot imposes an additional level of disadvantage, up to the capacity of the firearm (4) for a potential 4D12. I created this item for a gnome tincker mini boss in one of my campaigns, who my dwarf artificer was more than happy to pick up after the battle. The player found this to make his ranged attacks more exciting, as he had to weigh the pros and cons of gambling on big damage, vs a more sure hit. I ask for no eggs, but you will have to kill my artificer and take his rifle from his cold dead hands, as is tradition.

Dear Turtles I bring to you a half baked idea I've yet to try out: The attacker vs defender system. I always struggled with the idea of AC being a static number, and the way it impacts narration in combat. So often have I heard "that's a miss. You plink! Off the bad guys armor". To me this reads that the bad guy in armor is just standing there while you take a swing and takes no effort to block or parry or dodge. So instead turtles I suggest AC is no longer a fixed number but instead a bonus to be applied to a roll. In combat the attacker would roll like normal, but the defender would also roll and add their AC bonus. This would make hitting and missing more dynamic. A high roll on an attack from a baddie could be blocked by a higher roll on the defend, or a seemingly low roll on an attack could end up actually hitting if the defender also rolled poorly. There could also be room for a nat 1 or nat 20 on a defend roll to have special effects, such as a nat 1 leading to more damage dealt by the attacker or a nat 20 mitigating all damage. Overall this would lead to more narrative moments in combat and more clutch moments. I have no idea how this bonus would be calculated as again I have yet to try it. This is an amazing opportunity to own an emerging and exciting new IP. Still in its infancy with limitless directions it could grow in, the sky is the limit here Turtles. In exchange I am asking for one half baked quiche made from whatever eggs you have left.

Shello tortles! Do I have a pitch for you! The “Im Pretty Sure” mechanic. For those moments when you roll to understand something youve never seen before and have no hard knowledge about Reintroduce some challenge and chance Give a player another chance to roll Sometimes 1 good role shouldn’t mean you’re instantly proficient and sometimes 1 bad role doesn’t mean you’re going to 100% fail Roll with whatever skill like normal BUT then translate that into percentage for the handy-dandy PERCENTILE DICE! Rolled a 22 = You’re pretty confident = 90% chance of success for something you have no actual knowledge about = don’t roll below a 10/100 Rolled a 2 = shout out! But youve got no clue = 5% chance of success instead of total failure = don’t roll below a 95/100 The “Im Pretty Sure” mechanic! Don’t auto fail! Give random chance a second chance! Seeking 50,000 eggs of 80% freshness or better for a percentile dice roll percentage of the mechanic (Mechanic inspired by a previous dungeon court case about trying to figure out controls of an airship)

*I approach the tank with wonder and reverence at mother nature’s creations, wiping some smudge on the glass.* Shello most esteemed Tortles! I’d like to share my homebrew I put together for a horror themed one shot, as the party fled from an elder fae cryptid hunting them in a dark forest. Introducing a perfectly simple jump scare mechanic that can guide your whole spooky one shot, arc, or campaign: Dread Scores. Have you ever wanted to do something spooky, but the real life slowness of running combat removes all the tension? Look no further than dread scores! Put as simply as possible: Each player starts with a dread score equal to 1. Then, anytime anything spooky, freaky, or downright frightening occurs, roll an intelligence, wisdom, or charisma saving throw (whatever feels relevant). On a fail, they take Xd6s of psychic damage, where X is equal to their dread score, and their dread increases by 2. On a pass, they take half damage (or none, depending on the spook and dm discretion), but their dread score still increases by 1. Feels like a success, but tension still rises. And that’s basically it. The main selling point is flexibility! The dice sizes, the dread score scaling and levels of increases, even the frequency of dread rolls can be as simple or complex as the dm and group desire. Dread scores can be utilized in an adrenaline filled chase sequence, moments of dread while the party searches an eerie haunted house, or even mixed in with combat directly! “Yeah the bad guy hits, that’s 10 bludgeoning damage and also give me a wisdom save or your dread score goes up by 5 cuz he’s just like so freaking spooky.” The secret sauce is that you don’t even need to deal damage or even be in combat to heighten the tension: just having a hella high dread score and being like “the lights go out” can really raise the stakes in a very simple way! I only have 2 stipulations to sign over total trademark and ownership over this idea: a selfie with the no chortle tortle with at least a half smile of approval, and for you guys to put in a good word for me with peppermint Patty. I have a long list of enemies. Thank you esteemed Tortles for all your hard work, you guys getting lost in the tank is genuinely one of my favorite parts of my week.

Good morrow, Illustrious voluptuous torts, today I come to you with an exciting opportunity: We’ve all experienced the thrill of rolling that sweet Nat 20 on an attack, only to be let down by the damage dice. You’re telling me that I land a critical hit, only to still end up doing *less* damage than I would if I barely hit the enemy’s AC? That’s where this homebrew comes in. When you crit on your attack, you simply roll your extra crit dice and max the initial damage. This makes a critical hit *feel* like a critical hit, and adds to the excitement of that sweet, sweet Nat 20. Of course the enemies in your campaign will also benefit from this, it’s only fair. I offer 100% ownership of this incredible homebrew for a measly 18% royalty, in perpetuity, to be paid in eggs (wet or dry)

Hey there tortles! A couple episodes ago, you invited me to join a thinktank to churn out new ceremony rites. My egg salary has been quite generous, and I am here to provide you with one of my latest and greatest ceremony rites. These, unlike my birthday rite, have not been playtested, so proceed at your own risk! Baby Naming Rite The somatic component is holding the baby. That's it. It’s a cute baby. What, did you want to splash it with water? That's just gonna make it cry. Let it nap, the parents need all the silence they can get. Anyways, upon completion of the rite, the baby's True Name is set in stone (unless it gets changed by a different rite). In addition, for the first 3 months of the baby's life, they stay asleep just a little bit easier. This is less of a big deal for the baby than it is for the parents, so it's worth the hassle to do the rite rather than just sign some papers. You do have to sign some papers for this but trust me it's worth it.

Shello Tortles, Picture this: Your pcs have finally made it to the BBEG of your campaign woth the help of the allies they've made across the campaign. Combat starts... and you end up having SO MANY NPCs that the PCs have drug along helping them in this fight. Now, you could sit there with four hour turns, simply have all the cool npcs that your players love get jobbed the fuck out, OR you could use THE BUDDY BRACELET. The Buddy Bracelet is a magic item given to each of the PCs and at initiative 10 every round, the PCs can sumon an ally to do a special action on that buddy turn (think special lair actions that the players can trigger). No PC can summon the same NPC in the same buddy turn, and each of them can only use their buddy bracelet once per short rest. Each NPC ally the players can summon has a attack and utility ability, the player invoking thay ally chooses which of the NPC's abilities to activate (Ex: you summon Ol Cobb and he can either shoot an enemy with his magic gun or give an inspiration to one of the PCs by keeping it light). After their action the ally NPC is sent back to where the buddy bracelet summoned them from. I've personally used this magic item to great effect in my campaigns as it makes getting cool NPCs to help fight with your players more dynamic and fun by letting them use the NPCs cool abilities. For full use of the buddy bracelet, all I'd want is 25% of your eggs and to hang out with Bruce in Murph & Emily's garage :)

Toodles, Tortles! I bring you an investment in my homebrew artificer infusion. Imagine: you are a 5th level battle smith artificer adventuring with a large party with diverse classes and mechanical needs. To receive your subclass benefits, you need to use one infusion on your weapon. However, you would like to share the wealth with your other party members. DILEMMA. You only have one remaining infusion, and don’t want to play favorites! Introducing: Elio’s Extraordinary Temporary Tattoo Kit. This kit received 1d4 + 1 charges at sunrise, and has one tattoo customized to each party member. For instance, the Raven Queen warlock might have a shadow fell brand tattoo, while the barbarian might enjoy an absorbing tattoo for cold damage based on their backstory. Based off of the tattoos in Tasha’s, tattoos are single use and wear off by dawn the next day. This greatly increases the artificers versatility, encourages them to invest key class features in being a support class, and allows for cool roleplay moments as the artificer chooses which character each morning to receive a temporary tattoo. In exchange for one (1) penguin egg, acquired by any means necessary, I am willing to give you 1/3 holdings and naming rights to the temporary tattoo kit, as naming it after my specific artificer is maybe a little too niche. Thank you.

Dear Tortles of Immaculate Tanks I present my newest system for making the Martial Classes just a little sweeter. All I'm asking is one Final Fantasy 6 themed Easter egg so I may display it proudly for mama. I present the Materia system as per the final fantasy system. Martial Classes can prepare basic spells via interchangeable orbs depending on class level. Increasing number of orbs via levels and power of spells also. Use as a main action and doesn't require a multi class. Thank your for you attention in this matter.

Shello tortles and Jork! Today I am bringing a solution to the very common situation of introducing a new player to Dnd and encouraging them to create their character in DnD Beyond, discovers that an antimatter riffle is listed as a starter weapon, and naturally takes this as a weapon. This is a situation that arose in a recent Curse of Strahd campaign, and in an effort to find a way to allow this antimatter riffle, our DM developed this homebrew Antimatter Riffle inspired by Cody Walsh’s Thirsting Blade from The Unsleeping City. This version of the antimatter riffle has the following stats: -2 to attack rolls, requires proficiency in firearms. every attack must be rolled with disadvantage, ⁠double handed, ⁠ 120 ft range, ⁠DC 16 athletics check needed to wield and use the gun + uses object interaction + has a sniper laser, deals 6d8 damage on a successful hit, also deals 1d8 necrotic damage to the user (backsplash) •⁠ ⁠on a nat 20, deals an additional 5d8 necrotic damage and you gain that many hit points •⁠ ⁠requires Reloading before firing again (bonus action or action) •⁠ ⁠on an unsuccessful hit, you are Embarrassed (disadvantage on charisma checks for the next 1 minute) In return for this, we ask for 4 schrodinger’s eggs with half of the investment going to murph as royalties for originating the thirsting blade. We look forward into hearing your thoughts on this new innovation in the world of starter weapons.

Shello to the Totally Tubular Torts, this item is just good clean fun and for a mere 5 eggs and one egg to be named later I will let you have it. We’ve had the yippy skippy boots but let me introduce Hell’s Heely’s. Once attuned this increases the users walking speed by 15 and once per day, they can expend its only charge to turbo boost those Heelys into a massive kick that does an additional 1d6 fire damage. Sounds rad right? Well, these devilish kicks come with a curse. Whenever entering a new city/town etc. the wearer must make a DC 15 CHA save or they have disadvantage on all CHA based abilities until they leave or take the shoes off. It’s narratively insignificant but has great upside for flavor and a bit of razzing. Heals up, roll out.

Hello, turts- and hello to the no chortles turtle specifically. I have a great pitch that will solve an ages old problem: people who hate rolling a nat 20 on initiative. Let me be clear; this isn't solving the made up problem that a nat 20 on initiative is bad. It's placating the whiny bitch ass red eared sliders at your table. I present, the die of distraction. Ideally a liquid core die with sparkles, this die is handed to a blabbering player when they bemoan their nat 20 initiative. What does the die do? Nothing. But the sparkles will distract them enough to make them to stop whining. The DM can then steal the die back whenever, as the player will stop being grateful for it after a while (just as the player was not grateful for dice christ blessing them with a nat 20). I need no eggs for this, only an approving nod should you feel like giving me one.

Good evening fine beautiful amazing shortels. Long time no sea. You are allowed to razz me for this insane thing I made. I need you all to hear this beautiful drinking doge ball fire filled game I made for a strixhaven session just a few weeks back. Fire ball I am asking for bragging rights at the fact you guys read it and three eggs to shell this ideas. Or I’ll shell it for a fire ball shot. So, the way the game is played, is that in the back ground there are two mages working together to make a fireball that can actually be thrown around like a Dodge ball. But before you can even play you need to find out how you are going to play. Are you playing, safe, risky, or to fucking win? Safe: In your normal clothes and completely sober, you roll flat to try and hit your opponent’s AC to hit them with the ball. Risky: You take about half of a keg stand and are tipsy, a bit of alcohol is on your shirt. You get negative three to your AC BUT you can add plus three to your attack. PLAYING TO WIN: you take a full on keg stand and are almost black out, and some rowdy kid pours their drink on you. You get a crazy negative seven to your AC but get to add that to your attack. They then roll invitative and everyone tries to hit their enemy on their turn, but if you choose not to play, you can heckle to try and give a certain player disadvantage or cheer and do the opposite to someone you are cheering for! This was made in a crazy after noon and was not play tested and made a very insane session where my players thought I was completely bonkers. M But a lot of them played to win. I had it set up to where it was best two out of three and it came down to them winning and they won dragging rights and only got a big of fire damage. Let me know if you are willing to talk business

Hello illustrious torts! I come to you with an improvement on the Help action. Ideally, of course, the person with the highest bonus to a skill will be rolling a skill check. But I have always found it weird that, for example, a wizard with a plus 8 to arcana and a barbarian with a minus 1 give the same amount of aid to someone when helping on their arcana check, namely, advantage. I propose, instead, that helping someone with a roll allows them to add half of your bonus, rounded up, to the result of their roll. This way, a sorcerer helping a bard persuade someone gets a more appropriate boost, and a fighter can properly help the paladin on an athletics roll. For this rule change, I am asking for one deviled egg. Not for me, for my fiancee, who loves deviled eggs.

To Murphelangelo, Donatanner, Raphaemily, and Jake: I present to you yet another pitch for the “initiative natural 20.” Before Murph starts - the market is here, and the market is hungry. Any creature that rolls a natural 20 would have the hastened conditioned until the start of their second turn in combat. Hastened would grant the effects of the Haste spell without the nasty hangover - a +2 bonus to AC, Advantage on Dexterity saving throws, and an additional action that may be used for a single weapon attack, Dash, Disengage, Hide, or Use an Object. This product accurately represents the nimble, cat-like response this initiative roll suggests and gives players that succulent “nat 20” flavor without being too gamebreaking. For a 12-month license of this hot feature, I seek only a single gossamer egg and the goddamn truth about Mangia’s.

Hello Turtles. Please picture this. You and your crew are in a rowdy tavern in the seediest part of the capital city. The air is tense as your group is navigating it's way through conversations attempting to gather information about the location of the missing artifact you are after. You watch in awe as your wise-cracking sarcastic bard utters the word "That isn't what your mother told me last night." to the wrong patron. The creaking sound of wooden furniture being moved against the floor and weapons being drawn fill the room. Your DM calls for initiative. You give that special D20 a jiggle and let it go. It clacks to the table with that ever so exciting 20 facing up. Your heart jumps, a crit! But wait, it's only initiative. A bit disappointing to waste a crit on initiative... Until now! Introducing Crit-nitiative. Rolling a nat 20 at the start of combat should be fun and exiting. It should allow you to push the tides of battle in your favor. And with Crit-nititative, you can! You can choose one of the following: - Give another party-member a boost to their own initiative to help a front liner get in there quicker. - Boost to your first attack roll or ability check to make sure your first action really counts. - Reduce the first saving throw you oppose on someone else to give that lock down spell a little more oomph. When you choose an action, roll a number of D4s equal to your Proficiency bonus and add (or subtract) it from the roll. With Crit-nititative, when you crit on initiative, every one at the table can feel it! Now Turtles, who is ready to roll for Crit-nititative?! I am looking for about a dozen eggs of different sizes for 50% of this idea.

Shello Tortles. I have a homebrew rule for getting the most out of Inspiration. At the end of rests, I give them a point of Inspiration in exchange for answering a question in character; something like telling me what their character's favorite hobby is. But my real proposal is how they can use that Inspiration: they can use it to get advantage as usual, OR they can use it to apply a different skill or ability score than the one I ask for during some kind of check or save. For example, I call for a dex save to dodge a fireball and the wizard uses Intelligence for the saving throw by describing how they erect a barrier of pure will to block the spell energy. I find it gets my players thinking about creative solutions to important checks. I'm selling a 50% stake in this idea for 100 gleggs (gold eggs). Decide quickly, I have other interested investors on other podcasts.

Grand Evening Triangle of Torts and the other one (you know who,) I bring to you in this faux-leather brief case a stick note describing an item I introduced to a player in our 20+ person Western Marches Campaign- The Cartographers Cloak. This cloak, with a comfortable yet parchment-like fabric on the inside, creates sketched maps within it as you explore structures and landscapes of what you can see, allowing backtracking through dungeons, caverns, and enclosures with little nitty-gritty on the steps taken. Though, it only maps what the wearer has seen, so it does not reveal unknowns such as secret doors, hidden creatures, or things that have been moved while you're out of the room. I mumblingly ask for idk like i guess an egg er somthin whatever im good, actually where do you want to eat? I'm not hungry.

Shell-bot shell-lom tortles. I present the Sneaky Spellcaster Feat, for the spell-hungry multi class rogue. This feat allows a rogue to apply sneak attack, on any single-target spell attacks. Now you can sneak attack on your scorching ray, a green flame-blade, or hell, a crown of stars ranged attack during as bonus action. I'm offering this feat for 27 eggs for a 51% stake in my company, with a clause stating that I remain on the board to prevent any frivolous lawsuits.

Hello Tortles, I have a question for you, are you a fan of Dragon ball Z? Have you wanted to be able to fire your very own Kamehameha, well seek no further. I introduce a simple spell that will offer everything you hoped. Ki Beam is a first level spell. Before you may cast the beam you must first use an action to "charge" on your next turn you may fire the beam as an action, or use your action to continue charging it, the beam fires in a straight line 120 ft long and 5ft wide originating from you, it does 6d6 force damage +1d6 for each spell level above first abd +2d6 for each additional turn spent charging, charging requires concentration and your speed is halved as long as you are charging, you can not charge your beam outside of initiative. I am offering 100% ownership in exchange for one egg containing a good book recommendation

Hello torties and crack the 40s, I’d like to introduce to you “sloppy stakes.” I know your time is precious so I’ll skip the shell and get straight to the meat. Nat 20’s deserve to be celebrated, even low-stakes crits. Especially low-stakes crits. When a nat 20 is rolled outside of combat, in a low-stakes situation, the DM will pour everyone at the table a shot, or “slop ‘em up.” It doesn’t necessarily need to be alcohol. (Everyone could do a shot of gamer stew.) shell-mily, you’re my hero, if you want in on this, I ask for no eggs. And everyone else, if you want in, I am asking for one pysanka turtle egg. PS does dice Christ have an Easter?

Shello Tortles, tank you for having me. If you are a DM with a bad memory like me, this product is for you. Have you ever forgotten to call for a concentration check from a player and remembered rounds later? Forgotten a monsters cool ability until it was too late? Forgotten some crucial component of a combat? Well, I am here today to share with you a product that will revalutionize your DMing, with just a simple, unobtrusive homebrew. I present to you, Narc Points™. The way it works is simple. If you forget a rule or feature that would benefit you, or be to the detriment of your players, the PCs have the chance to chime in, and remind you of said forgotten rule. When they do so, they will be given one Narc Point™. A player may expend a Narc Point™ to add 1d4 to their next attack roll, saving throw, or ability check. A player may only have one (1) Narc Point™ at a time, and must use it within one (1) in game minute, or lose it. Normally players would hesitate to speak up about a forgotten rule, as it may harm their chances at success, but with Narc Points™, they are compensated for their trouble, and are more likely to help you, a forgetful DM, run a better game. All I ask for this idea is twelve (12) of your most fertile eggs to incubate and raise as my own, to one day have a small army of business tortles myself.

Hello Turtles! Every find yourself in a dire situation, knowing that you are one lucky dice roll from turning the tides of the session? I present to you the ring of fortunes favour. With one charge the ring allows you to critically succeed on a roll of your choosing, allowing victory all around and merriment in your session. BUT WAIT Using the ring comes at a cost. Upon using the ring becomes cursed, activating fortunes fee. You have borrowed this luck from the future, and the fates are not happy with this. On any of your subsequent rolls, the DM can determine that your luck has run out, resulting in treating the chosen roll as a critical failure. No mass rolling to get out of this one, only the creeping anticipation until the DM says the time is right. In exchange for this ring I humbly request your luckiest and unluckiest egg. Thank you, and may fortune favour the bold

To the Truest Tortles, I come to you with a new spell. A clever cantrip you simply can’t live without, if like me, you happen to be an arcane attorney. I give you, Prestilitigation. Are you sick of para-tortles phoning it in? Is your tortle AI hallucinating legal cases that were never tortally adjudicated? Citing precedents that were never established in a tank of law? Does your senior partner call you nonstop outside of official tank hours? If this sounds like you, or perhaps the entire legal floor of your tank, then you need Prestilitigation to handle all of your legal woes. When cast during any official legal proceedings, Prestilitigation allows the player to roll with advantage on any investigation or perception checks, as well as their relevant saves, to find and/or avoid any legal chicanery. Prestilitigation can also be cast to immediately clean up any erroneous legal jargon on any document that has not been endorsed, or on any contract that has not been countersigned. Components required are at least one fourteen-inch sheet of yellow lined paper and a personalized ink pen worth no less than 1 gold. For this spell, and a complimentary pad of yellow lined paper and a set of engraved, tortle-specific ergonomic pens each worth 2 gold, I ask for no more than your strange red egg. Yes, that one. The red egg with the two blue eyes and the mouth and nose all in the wrong places. The one that refuses to crack and urges you to step outside during an eclipse. For this single egg, the single most useful spell in an arcane attorney’s repertoire can be yours, along with the complimentary components to test it out for yourselves. What say you, oh Tortlest Tortles? Do you have the guts to take my offer?

Shellutations future st-egg-holders and might I say, you all look ravishing in your suits. I present a player sought after rule I use in every campaign: Session Chapters. Introduce each session with a chapter number and name. It’s 1) A great tone setter, a foreshadowing tool, or a signal for a player to get ready cause their backstory is coming up this session, as well as 2) I noticed an increase in note taking if I give a flashy title to start their page with. For this idea, I am looking for a 25% stake for 2 eggs or alternatively a 2 year contract for ghost writing my names for me (I need some of that NADDPOD heat).

Dear tortles, light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my shell. I present to you, but mostly Jake, the Dragon Ball aficionado that he is, the limit break, a storytelling AND roleplaying device for when your characters are at their lowest and most desperate. One day your characters are level 4. They adventure, they have an encounter, then wake up tomorrow as level 5, with an extra attack or third level spell slot. But where's the narrative drive in that? The limit break offers an alternative. The players, based on an ability check they can only make in active combat once they are below a certain HP threshold, with no more spell slots, AND/OR Bardic Inspirations, Channel Divinities, Second Winds, any resource, dig deep, reaching for ONE ability from their upcoming level. This could be an extra attack, a higher spell slot, the roll of the additional Hit Die they'd receive upon leveling up, whatever. On a success, they are able to use this ability and only this ability. On a failure, nothing happens. I find that this makes story beats more engaging, helps players actually look at their character sheets and progression, and gives players who kinda zone out when they run out of resources something interesting to do. Also it's rad. Tortles, in exchange for this idea I offer an entry in my egg diary. That is, and this is not a bit, an actual real life journal i own where I catalog almost every single time I eat an egg and the manner in which it was prepared. Thank you tortles, chaste smooches.

To the esteemed tortles, I have a crabster-ific item to ensnare and cajoole all but the most hard boiled magic user. Picture yourself, deep in the flank of an enemy encounter, your party hangs on the edge of a knife awaiting your precise and most well prepared spell to turn the tide. Unfortunately, you're already using your concentration on an important but not so timely spell previously cast. Enter the soul lantern. A dark wrought iron lantern carried at the hip of any fashionable mystical mage or spell binding sorceress. With the cost of 2 hit dice per spell level, plus all normal material components and spell slots required per the spell selected. A portion of your soul is ensnared within the lantern, and a multitasking light shines dimly within the device allowing the caster the ability to cast a second concentration spell. It mirrors the hp and concentration bonuses of the caster for all dispelling interactions. For the more surreptitious dm's out there, I've included a cursed option which is if the light is snuffed out forcefully or the lantern broken, all hit dice spent on the current spell are temporarily lost until a greater restoration spell restores them. All I ask in exchange is Jake's second born, or 4 faberge eggs, one from each of the noble tortles houses. Thank you

Greetings tortellini! I recently in a boss fight for my players, had it so that the creature had a litany of powerful attacks that it could use all of in a single turn, but my players could target specific weakspots on the boss to permanently disable the different corresponding attacks! This may be just boss weeks weakspots from video games, so I will grant you the rights to it for just the egg shell of one(1) egg

Greets to the turts and turreted of causes! I come to you in brilliant horror for the right game. A trick I've come across is to give my party their own find familiar along the story. I let them decide what the animal is and set this familiar up to help the party with their roles but as someone who loves horror and dark fantasy, I let the familiar see entities such ghosts, demons or some sort of monster of which the party cannot see. It lets then interact with the world and an avenue of which to bond with their new set companion, whether it is developed emotionally, and/or, logistically. All I ask for is 2 eggs so I may recover my 2 lost brain cells and 60% stake because why not?

Thank you Tortles for the opportunity to get turnt up… After the GoW Laufey reveal of a cube companion played by Jack Quaid, a Gelatinous Cube familiar finally formed in my mind. While it’s Acid damage is more than a CR 0 creature, I think a Amorphous Ooze Cube that can squeeze through 1 inch openings and deal damage to Creatures that land on Attack its Corrosive Form is fun. I have already lowered the standard stats and set its size to Tiny, as well as added an ability to ‘Slime Climb’ up walls to make familiar ready. My only asking price is a tangent on “When did things come out?” For the concept of the Gelatinous Cube and/or when was Jack Quaid born. Both answers surprised me!

Greeting tortles, I bring to you on this beautiful moonlit knight a homebrew magic item called the "Ten Ton Hammer". the kicker? The item takes the shape as a theme appropriate blacksmith hammer (think slightly bulkier without the claw at the back than your average layman's carpentry hammer used to break piggy banks to get at your eggs, or drive in nails to hang your tasteful paintings of the sea.) How the item works, as a players (or enemies) action they throw the hammer into the sky and choose a 3x3 grid they can see within 60' of the player. They then roll a d6, and as relative to the pips on the die the point of their chose a barrage of hammers fall onto the spaces denoted by the pips of the dice. The damage rolls is then dealt with 10d10+10 magical bludgeoning damage divided by the number of pips on the d6 rolled to determine hit spaces. They hit all locations equally for example. Roll a 2 on the d6 and dmg = 50 each space receives 25 damage This item has 3 charges (or whatever feels reasonable to the dm) and the charges only recharge if a creature is killed by the attack. Therefore keeping players from spamming the attack and treating the Ten ton hammer as a finishing moVe a-la dragon ball Z or WWE (Brian's favorite or so I've been led to be-sea-ve. ) I throw this hammer skyward in your general direction for a mere 1 hatchling to keep my tortoise Brillo company in these trying times.

to the tortles: I would like to offer, in return for a single fried egg (over easy please), the worst item I have ever made: the ring of fireball. This cursed ring allows the wearer to cast fireball at any level, as an action, bonus action, or reaction on their turn. In return, the wearer must pass constitution checks that increase as they cast more fireballs. Everyday the check starts at a 3, and increases one point per level of fireball cast every time it is cast- so if it's only cast once at a third level, the wearer only has to pass a DC 6 constitution check, but if you go crazy and cast 5 level 9 fireballs, you'll probably die. if the wearer doesn't cast any fireballs in a day, the base DC increases by 1 permanently. failure to pass this check causes the ring to explode, and the wearer and everyone in a 15 foot radius faces 10d6 fire damage. in order to remove the ring, someone else has to accept it. This is awful, and I hope you enjoy.

Hey Tortles, Have you ever had a party where the wizard had a 18 intelligence because dice christ blessed him at level one, and the barbarian had 13 strength because he sold his soul to the dice devil (used standard array). Let me introduce you to the High Power Communal Stat Pen, a place where every one can go and get stats that match up. This is how it works: Roll 4d6 drop the lowest. The next adventurer Rolls 4d6. Continue this until you have 6 numbers Everyone now assigns those stats to the skills that they want. Pros: -Everyone has the same stats. - If someone rolled a 1, or an 18 on all 4 d6 then everyone has a 4 Cons: -Players have too much equal fun For this idea i am asking for a single egg that i can take back to my errant adventurers,They love to cook.

Greetings Tortles here and everywhere, that have many eggs they may share I introduce you to: The Dice Cuck. What is everyone’s least favorite part of playing Americas pastime, DnD? That’s right, doing math. Well, No longer! The dice cuck’s prime purpose is counting and adding every single roll you make. From constitution checks for ale to dexterity saves for your life, this cuck can do it all! All I’m asking for is an egg you guys were gonna throw away anyway and a guest spot to be the Dice Cuck Prototype. Cool thanks.

Here’s a really quick one Tortles: For whatever the average amount of eggs is between all the infamously funny numbers is (69, 420, 67, 8008, etc) Every time you drop to 0 hit points, you wake up with a level of exhaustion. Everyone always talks about ways to stop the yo-yo healing of clerics not giving out heals until their party is fully unconscious and I agree it seems a little egregious that you’d be able to keep getting knocked out and back up and knocked out and back up without your body taking a toll. I’ve played at many tables and almost never had a dm use the same exhaustion rules twice so maybe it’s just me but applying the connection between the two moments fills in the gap of both an often underused condition (exhaustion) and gives a bit more urgency to your 0hp moments. Thanks, have an EGGcellent Tortsday

Shello Turds, I come to you with words of whimsy. When you come to a table one of the most important things you may ask? Setting the mood. Nothing quite hits like the feeling of being fully immersed in your campaign - and nothing does that better than music. My pitch? Players playing Bards bring real instruments to the table. Imagine the magic of a sick guitar riff on the end of a spell, or a sweet lute in the background of your camp ground scene. But what if I don't know how to play an instrument? Doesn't matter. Nothing makes a table laugh more than a poorly timed and executed sound machine press, let me tell you what. If you're interested in my pitch, I ask for simply your crunchiest egg. If you think this is dangerous and you want me to make sure this DOESNT happen I will accept your entire clutch and a real $10 bill. Thanks!

You torts are too slow to get an introduction. Deal with it. Here's my idea: How many times in media have we seen wizards who fully exaust themselves, to the point of collapsing, to conjure a complex and more powerfull spell? Wizards that put their integritity at risk for a very potent magic? Hence comes my wizard homebrewed subclass: THE EXHAUSTED CASTER ( https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/wgcImhepmQWR ). This wizard is able to augment their spells with "Exhaustive Boost" options, but, after doing so, they must make a CON Save or get a level of Exhaustion, or even get the Unconsious condition if they fail this save on two subsequent turns. With time, this wizard gets more boost options and gains ways to deal with their exhaustion (this subclass uses the 2024 rules for Exhaustion). For a total of 0 eggs, but Shellmily playing this subclass in a oneshot, I'll sell 97,2% of this idea. But yes, if you insist, I will accept a symbolic number of eggs as incentive. ___________________ Oh my god! No!! Who put this water slide in the middle of court? A TANK??? Help! Here's my pitch for the Exhausted Caster, torts: How many times in media have we seen wizards who fully exaust themselves, to the point of collapsing, to conjure a complex and more powerfull spell? Wizards that put their integritity at risk for a very potent magic? Hence comes my wizard homebrewed subclass: THE EXHAUSTED CASTER ( https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/wgcImhepmQWR ). This wizard is able to augment their spells with "Exhaustive Boost" options, but, after doing so, they must make a CON Save or get a level of Exhaustion, or even get the Unconsious condition if they fail this save on two subsequent turns. With time, this wizard gets more boost options and gains ways to deal with their exhaustion (this subclass uses the 2024 rules for Exhaustion). For a total of 0 eggs, but Shellmily playing this subclass in a oneshot, I'll sell 97,2% of this idea. But yes, if you insist, I will accept a symbolic number of eggs as incentive.

Dear shell people who have sold their souls to the shelldevil for money I present the sword of bobble switching you have a removable handle where you can switch abilities based on what you want for the day without having like 50 magic swords and at legendary u can have multiple abilities

Listen we're all business women, right? Tortles for your business women eggs I present to you the Arcane Refinery! Are your Players obsessed with magical loot? Are your Players collecting too many cursed items? Are your Players inexplicably hauling around divine hearts, lich phylacteries, infernal relics, etc etc, all without being hunted constantly by the associated factions in your world? Maintain the internal consistency of your setting! Introduce an arcane refinery! Run by an eclectic absent-minded arcane researcher and their bubbly yet mildly sinister assistant, the refinery is a facility where your players go to have their magical items uncursed, restored, repaired, and revamped. Did you give a player a ring of True Strike they never use? Does your wizard forget that she has a Staff of Snakes because she's fully 12th level and could not need it less? Guide your players to the refinery where they can have their items reforged! The way I run this in my games is at certain points in the game (major milestones at a higher level usually) I provide an opportunity for players to encounter the Refinery. Mechanically the Refinery can just exchange gold for items directly, or it can be used to destroy curses while preserving enchantments, or it can be used to remake magic items into something more suited to the character. It becomes a narrative means of letting the player tell you how they wanna spec their character. It also gives you reason to nerf their request if their level 10 ass asks for the Holy Avenger Greatsword (they get a damn good Greatsword but it ain't the real deal, this is just a refinery after all). Also staffing the Refinery and making it part of the magical ecosystem are great plot hooks, like who works there and why, and how does the refinery interact with the magic of the city it's in, or the local environment, etc. Business women if you're willing to thaw your eggs for this Arcane Refinery we can get a facility in production with an adorkable intern (oppa New Girl style), a himbo receptionist a la Chris Hemsworth in Ghost Busters, a bubbly but intense genius assistant with a chip on her shoulder, and a sarcastic obsessive quirky genius in the style of any USA procedural detective show (like Monk, Psych, Burn Notice I think? Did anyone watch that? I only ever saw ads for it, I never saw it airing). For only a few eggs per staff member we can get a full USA Characters Welcome criminal of the week procedural going, and for a few more, we can add an overarching plot that ties into the main character's backstory (presumably a dead wife or husband, or maybe a missing child or something really gripping like that). Did this suddenly turn into a network pitch for a pilot? Maybe. Does that make me the best business woman? My genitals would say no, though why they're speaking is beyond me. But our eggs in this tank? They would say yes, though again the talking eggs are somewhat concerning. Thank you for your time Tortles of the Tank.

Picture this: you are in a green room with other contestants waiting for your chance to present your business idea to none other than the panel of business execs that comprise the judges of Shark Tank. You're in it for all the eggs, except that as you watch a feed of the other entrepreneurs presenting to the Sharks, you realize there is an additional panelist, another Shark in the Tank. Seated in the middle of the dais, there is what appears to be a man in an incredibly realistic Grinch costume, hell, it might even be the Grinch them self. As you observe the feed in this waiting area, it becomes increasingly clear that this Grinch possesses a potent entrepreneurial mindset, with a sharp business acumen that very quickly calls out potential problems, and seems to be able to identify which ideas are worth a lot of money. The only downside? They're absolutely brutal, reducing one entrepreneur to tears, and convincing another to never try to start a business again. Also, every offer the Grinch makes involves him coming to work directly with the Entrepreneur he invests in, becoming a wry and cuttingly witty companion at their side until he turns a profit. You think you have a winning enterprise idea - it seems right up the Grinch's alley. When you go up to present, he seems to be the only one really interested as the other Sharks don't seem to want to step on the Grinch's toes in his "area of interest". What is your business idea, and would you take the Grinch's offer of far more than the money you need for a percentage of shares, as well as a role by your side being a Grinch in your organization to everyone you interact with from then on? For clarification - he quits your organization after he's made his money back, and you are not paying him any additional salary or wages.

Hey what’s up. My idea is the curse of the monkey’s paw. A player can cast this curse on any creature and, for the duration, any damage that the cursed creature inflicts on others will also be inflicted upon themselves. For example, if an evil wizard was cursed in this way and they hit a PC for 30 damage, the evil wizard would also take 30 damage. The thing is that I don’t actually play D&D and I have no idea if this is already a thing or even if it would work. So I’ll sell it you dirt cheap if you want it.

Tortles I don’t want to waste your time so I’ll cut right to it. For 5 eggs and 5 minutes of your time you could have 5% of the best damn idea you’ve ever heard- the simplified currency system. “Oh daddy DM- how many bronze coins make up a platinum piece? How much silver could I get for this ruby? What does GP even stand for?” Who gives a shit. In the simplified currency system each player gets 5 poker chips, and that’s their money. DM can distribute more chips as rewards and take poker chips as payment. A small purchase costs one token, a moderate purchase costs about three, a big purchase costs whatever seems right. Figure it out people, it’s roleplay. Don’t even think about walking away from this goldilocks deal. Just 5 eggs mailed to my real life address in British Colombia, Canada (which Murph has a problem with people saying apparently) by the end of the fiscal year, and you can use this idea in a future campaign. That’s only five sixths of a half dozen. Thanks. (I flash you a shark eyed coked out smile)

Shello to the wealthiest turts this side of the tank. I come to you with a pitch for a cursed item to add even more chaos to your table. The Hat of Good Looks and Bad Decisions. This stylish magical top hat when worn looks absolutely fabulous and raises your charisma score by 3 (to a maximum of 20), however beauty comes at a price, in this case an immediate lowering of your intelligence by 2 points. Furthermore when you see someone who your character would be sexually attracted to you must roll a d20. On a result of 10 or lower the hat compels you to flirt with them regardless of the situation or circumstance. Now I know you might be saying, “well this hat could just be worn when we need to pass a charisma check and I can just take it off when I am not using it” but the hat has a contingency for that. When the hat is removed you feel a crippling sense of insecurity until the hat is worn again, or someone casts remove curse on you. I’m seeking at least 6 of your most mediocre eggs for a 30% stake in my hat, or if you would like to part with the high quality eggs I would also accept any number of those. I’m mostly an egg and hat enthusiast so I could be persuaded into a deal quite easily

YES!! I don't even have an idea I'm just stoked for tortle tank. Take all my eggs

My jazzy turtwigs, I present a totally original idea totally not from the phantom menace. Introducing, the Sight Laber! It's a beam "sword" that has amazing heft (for Emily of course). It does 3d8s of damage, allows you to have telekinesis prepared, and do a force push on a bonus action, (flavored Eldritch blast). The user can choose the color, but they sadly can't say F the dm and cut everyone in half. All I ask for this invention is to bet all of your eggs on a pod racing match. Yes subulba will be racing too.

Dearly beloved Tortles and Tortleees. I present you a much needed upgrade to the beloved Short Rest... Hit Die for Spell Slots Are you tired of being a squishy spellcaster, with not much hit points to begin with, which leaves your short rests essentially useless (Warlocks not included)? May I present you the option, to regain spell slots instead of HP. By expending 2 Hit Dice, instead of health, you can regain 1 first level spell slot (each spell slot recharged costing double the Hit Dice). This is balanced because while casting cure wounds at first level is compared to one hit die, the versatility of a 1st level spell is worth at least 2 hit die. Not to mention, the more spells you recharge, the less Health your PC regains. At game breaking levels, at the apex, nay the zenith, the legendary lv20, the most broken thing you can do is use 2 ninth level spells a day, which is indeed powerful, but not the obscene. HOWEVER; to ensure fair play, an optional rule can be to max Spell Slot recovery to the level equal to your PB. Dear Tortlettes and Tortlooz, I present the Spell Recovering variation to the Short Rest, and all I ask, is specifically a CR 8 Tortle (or Dragon Turtle) Egg. May it please the Court, Dice Christ, and the honorable Tortle Lord

Shello Tortles, and dive into a tank I have crafted of mine own two flippers and a great deal of thought. This is my custom campaign concept, for which I ask only that one of you run a campaign set in this world in either your personal lives or on the pod and on my behalf eat at least half a dozen eggs, no time limit on when that's done. Now, to the tale. In a world of monsters and magic, the great and powerful flying city of Zenith travels the world, taking what it will from the lands below, a devastated ruin the gods abandoned, one by one, the first vanishing when the Zenith first took flight. The other gods soon followed over the millennia that followed, their eyes on other realms, their shame for this failed creation eminent. Within the city a great rumbling of dissent butts up against the power of the Municipality, the governing order of the city. Its iron grip on the goings-on of the citizenry attempts to strangle the voices clamoring for freedom and autonomy. People roaming the lands below seek to immigrate to the city, and what few kingdoms and nation-states remain rely on powerful weapons and magic to prevent their resources from being swallowed by the Zenith, its well-worn paths flying through the skies of Eldrimor marked by the ruins of that path on the lands below. The Mayor of the Zenith, a figure elected millennia ago and shrouded in mystery, keeps careful watch and control of his city, and the powers that compete with him and his Zenith struggle to understand how a man made a mountaintop into a city that could fly. It is into this morass that you and your companions are bourne. Whether you were born and raised in the Pipes or grew up as members of the elite City Officials, whether you came aboard the Zenith a short while ago as a new immigrant or snuck aboard illicitly and hide your lack of papers, whether you work as an engineer for the Municipality or serve the upper crust as genteel entertainment, you are someway and somehow now a resident of the Zenith...and something is very wrong with the way life is lived on this flying peak. The great secret of this campaign is the first god who "abandoned" the world actually descended in her physical form to join her great love, the mortal who would go on to trap her as the source of power needed to rip a mountain from the face of the earth and make it fly - the future Mayor of the Zenith. The other gods assumed her absence was intentional and in the wake of the horror of the Zenith's ravaging of the lands below, turned away and left their first creation behind to focus on other realms and mysteries.

Shello tortles of indiscriminate yet variable value that is monetarily measurable, Have you ever fought a monster, rolled a 21 and then the DM says “you missed!” For a second, you ponder whether he’s lying, or if you were simply one number off… well I would like to propose the CLANK! Mechanic. Similar to how when a creature is at half HP the DM has the option to say the creature is bloodied, when the player is one number off from the AC the dm can proudly claim “that clanks!” Giving the player a glimmer of hope for what could be. This also can be flavored into the world as a close parry, or armor starting to give way. In exchange for this hope inspiring idea, all I ask is for a single egg (optional) and the privilege of using my masters in saxophone performance to play a quartet made of NADDPOD music at a live show next time you’re in Florida.

Tortles, Be real with me, am I honestly the ONLY one that thinks the Help action is OP? You’re telling me any ol’ player can trigger advantage at any ol’ time just by shouting, “I help?” It also fails to take into account an important factor many don’t think about — What if the person helping ALSO sucks at the given task? Introducing: The Altered Help Action. It is simple. When a player decides to use the help action, rather than the Acting player rolling with advantage, they instead roll normally, add their normal modifiers, AND add the appropriate modifier of the Helping player. For example, I have a +3 to Sleight of Hand, and I’m trying to tie a rope. Another player that also has +3 to Sleight of Hand decides to help. I would then roll, and add +6 instead of rolling with advantage. I’m not big into eggs, so in return for this idea, 25% of all future NADDPOD merch sales will be fine. Thanks!

Shello, Terrific Tortles! Spellcasters, how does it feel to have your big spell neutralized by a Legendary Resistance? Fighters, how does it feel to only be able to offer a conciliatory "well, at least you burned one of their resistances"? DMs, how does it feel to only be able to block your spellcasters, but be open to crit after crit from your melee PCs? Introducing, Legendary Deflections! These work like Legendary Resistances, automatically letting the creature succeed on their saving throw, however they can also be used to turn any hit into a miss! A hit from one particular creature/character can only be blocked one per round (so you can't block ALL of your Paladin's attacks). To compensate for the increased rate of burning the resistances, you adjust an existing creature by increasing its Legendary Resistance total by 2ish. I am asking for three-ish eggs for a 68.78% stake in my idea. Thank you for your time.

Greetings Tortles, As man of business I shan't waste your time. I present the Cheese Wheel. A magical ring made of copper that allows the user to cast "Speak with Animals" on a rodent once per long rest. The ring will explode for 2d6 Fire Damage if cast on a non-resident. The explosive properties are not disclosed to Player characters. For two eggs I will grant you the Bahumian rights to Cheese Wheel TM. Enjoy.

Let's get right to the eggs tortles. I have for you play tested system for allowing your players to enchant their weapons without need for any clunky crafting systems. All you need is spell scrolls. Any class with access to spell slots can now enchant weapons for themselves or the magically inept. By spending a spell slot equal to the level of the scrolls spell you imbue a weapon with the spells properties. 1st level fire dmg spells will give the "flame tongue" enchantment adding 1d6 to your weapons dmg while a 2nd level such as flaming sphere will add 2d4 so on and so forth. This even adds more interesting things for the fighter to do than to simply hit hit hit. Enchant his sword with healing word and give him the "combat medic" enchantment, using one of his attacks to heal an ally with a bonk or give the ranger a summoning enchantment so she can use "summoning strike" to create a minor version of the spells creature. And if a spell does not fit neatly into an enchantment then you get to have fun with your dm deciding what wacky effect it may have. And before the Brian's in the audience groan about balancing just limit enchantments to one per weapon and have less fun. I will give you this system and the enchantments there in for the low price of half your eggs in perpetuity.

Shello Turts. I have for you an idea I call “helpful proficiency”. Has this ever happened to you? The rogue needs to pickpocket something while the sorcerer and the fighter are talking to a guard. The fighter offers the help action to distract the guard, but now the sorcerer can’t do anything to help out, even though she has proficiency in pickpocketing. Enter the helpful proficiency. For each player after the first to provide the help action you can provide your proficiency bonus to the roll, instead of adding another dice roll, as long as you have proficiency in that same skill. So if the rogue is trying to pickpocket something, the fighter can provide the help action to give advantage, and the sorcerer can give their proficiency in pickpocket with another help action. This allows players to all be a part of a roll, it naturally balances with a party since most proficiencies aren’t going to be doubled up across the party, and it’s balanced by just being proficiency rather than proficiency plus modifier for those giving each proceeding help actions. This would allow for much needed and focused things in a scene to happen, and would help the players feel like they’re doing something to help out even a little bit. For the use of this idea I request the use of the Tortle tank once a month so my fish can chill out with y’all while I clean out their tank.

Good evening Turts thanks for allowing me in the tank today. I’m putting forward an idea that should really be used across every game of DnD, even though it’s currently just a Variant rule. That idea is using skills with different ability scores. Constantly I hear of Barbarians who have to make intimidation checks but don’t feel like they can make it because their charisma is low. Or a sorcerer who can’t roll well on their arcana check because their intelligence is a -2. The rules as written say that these two checks are always intimidation (charisma) and arcana (intelligence) but the variant states that you can change the ability score needed for the skill with the DM’s permission or request. So now your barbarian can intimidate a guard by hoisting him in the air by the throat with an Intimidation (strength) check. Or the Sorcerer can look deep into her arcane bloodline and feel the magic out with an Arcana (charisma) check. This is all balanced by the DM deciding when and how these checks apply, and allow the players more freedom in roll play by playing to their characters strengths when they need it most. For perpetual use of this idea I would request 2 D12 of your juiciest eggs.

Shello Torts I come to you not seeking eggs but the best deviled egg recipe. I'm unsatisfied with the chaos and crunchy cards in the deck of many things. For example I pulled a magic card and receive 100 points of xp a thing that means nothing to my character, or i pull another and I'm not allowed to play my character anymore and the dm has to now change the next 5 session so the party can go gem hunting. These cards either have no story context or major context and im tired of it. I propose an 100% narrative based deck of many things based off the major arcana of tarot. I give to you some examples: The Star: you are now a celebrity everyone you meet will recognize you immediately, they won't be able to exactly place it but they'll recognize you’re face. Justice: There's now a bounty on you head by your current nations government. The Emperor: you’re now the lord of a small island nation. You don't know where it is but you now know its name and have the paperwork to prove it. These are just 3 of the 22 cards in this deck. This little changes can lead to bigger payoffs down the line and provide resources for the DM. P.S. the distinguished Torts will have naming rights to this deck if its purchased and can submit cards of their own. Sincerely yours Turdis Trey

Hey torts. Firstly, give me all of Jake’s eggs regardless of you buying in or not. That’s all I want. Secondly, fairly easy homebrew - every time a PC dies and gets revivified or some other method of reanimating, NOT KO’d, and brought back up, their death save threshold goes up by one or two depending on how severely they died. If it was in combat and they failed their saves probably one… but a full on disintegration would bump up their death saves from DC 10 to DC 12. It just provides more stakes to the higher levels of actions having consequences and at some point (DC 21) they are perma dead aside from three attempts for a nat 20. Like I mentioned, I just want Jake’s eggs. Anything else you provide is a kind gift. Thanks!!

Hello turts, turdises, and reputable reptiles, I have some sorcerer Ele-meta magic. As a blue dragonborn lightning sorcerer i like taking as many lightning spells as possible but some levels just have none available. Now when taking meta magic you can take adaptive elements. When casting a spell that does cold, fire, lightning, thunder, poison, or acid damage you can use sorcery points equal to half the spells lvl rounded down(min 1point) to change the damage type to one of the other damage types listed. You can also roll a D6 to let dice christ decide your element, good for wild magic sorcery. Id trade 25% of this idea for 1 tortcerer egg that lets me store sorcery points within its shell.

You guys mentioned Darth Maul with dual-sided claymores on an ep discussing Phantom Menace right after Emily watched it for the first time and I would like to sell the idea back to you all for fifteen gredits. The Claymaul - a two-handed, double bladed claymore. Allows you to strike twice every attack you make but has the same stats as a +1 Greatsword otherwise.

Hello turts, I have a homebrew rule that I love. Death saves don’t come back until a long rest. You know what makes no sense? Your human fighter is on the brink of death, 2 death saves failed. The Druid gets a good berry healing them for a single 1hp, the fighter is all better and death saves are refreshed. With this homebrew it makes healing someone more urgent and adds to the tactics of combat!

I designed this item for a Devil that my players kept bullying whenever they encountered it. A flavourful item to endear your party to any NPC. Doll of Positive Affirmations Wondrous Item, Uncommon This doll speaks in a soothing voice and tells the listener positive affirmations, which can be heard out to a range of 10 feet. No action is required to activate or deactivate this effect. A creature that can understand the Doll and spends 10 minutes listening to its affirmations can add a d6 to one attack roll, ability check, or saving throw it makes before it finishes a Long Rest. A creature can benefit from this bonus once per Long Rest. In addition, any creature that listens to the Doll and understands its language has Advantage on saving throws against the Frightened condition until it finishes a Long Rest. Each Doll speaks one language, and the material it is made of is determined by the language it speaks. Dolls made of unusual or dangerous materials are safe to handle by a creature who speaks the same language as the doll.

Tortles, My idea is for Warlocks - specifically those who lean heavily upon the Eldritch Blast spell as a main damage source. It's often boring to just sling the same spell over and over again but what if that could be made more interesting? I present to you Pactemonium - a twist on the battle consistency, and thus staleness, that Eldritch Blast brings to the table. Whenever a warlock casts Eldritch Blast they will roll for attack as normal but will also roll a separate d8. A result of 8 on the Pactemonium die will cause an unintended spell/effect to fire from a preselected list of the DM & Player's choosing. I'm asking d8 eggs for a 6.9% stake in the Pactemonium die.