A woman like me (be yoga video)

Forgive me for doing a little therapy in here... but I thought I’d share a tragic love story that broke me down and made me realize, I am not what anyone wants.

My lover once enamored with me, said. “Where would I find a woman like you”. I was flattered and fell in love, because I really believed the picture that he painted of me. He was very serious. He told me how all through his life every girlfriend he ended up with was crazy, crying, needed babysitting, ruined their hair, had to be rescued. And then there was me. Independent and alone. Never complained.

I had opened up to him about the abuses I endured, which made him think, who was he to complain about anything? That was my mistake. It taught him that I was ok with tolerating more abuse.

I should not have told him. I should not have exposed that I was infact damaged by men from an early age and had learned to rely on myself. For it betrayed my soul to an imposter who could pretend he could rescue me - and make up for all my abuse.

My abuse, has to be reconciled with me. Not from any lover, or any expectation of deliverance from another persons love. By asking me about a woman like me, he betrayed himself. At first, I thought about his question seriously and replied:

I guess a girl like me travels like a nomad, free to never belong anywhere, because being free means I am not controlled by a man. But inside I yearned for clear boundaries. By rejecting men, the only ones I was going to attract was ones who in themselves rejected the idea commitment. I would only be a perfect match for a man without intent to commit. And a lover with no commitment to me, takes me for granted. Enabling the emotional abuse of torturing me with what love could be.

But now I’m a woman, and a woman like me, knows that freedom is not determined by who does not control me, but how I control myself. This is a huge lesson to undertake, because controlling myself is not about my reactions, it’s about my new thinking patterns, ways of being, ways of growing, learning, accepting, defining, and taking care of myself.

A person who exerts such self discipline, and self love, and self forgiveness for doing whatever they know, will SEE and be attracted to whoever is doing the same. There is no woman like me. I am instead all women.

I had one experience in my life where I loved someone so hard. And it taught me what fake romance was.