vLog 02.08.25 How my Cancer got ignored for years TRANSCRIPT
Summary
# Summary of Key Points
## Introduction
- The text describes a personal narrative involving interactions with animals, specifically ducks and a pet rabbit named Beano.
- The narrator shares their experiences and observations while dealing with health challenges.
## Observations and Experiences
- Ducks frequently visit the narrator's pool, providing entertainment and interaction for Beano.
- Beano, a New Zealand giant rabbit, has a unique personality and enjoys playing with the ducks.
- The narrator discusses their health journey, including coping mechanisms and reflections on their condition.
## Health and Coping Strategies
- The narrator uses activities like swimming and spending time in the jacuzzi to alleviate physical discomfort.
- They share insights into their health condition, including symptoms and personal strategies for managing pain and improving well-being.
## Reflections and Insights
- The narrative emphasizes the importance of finding joy and comfort in small moments, such as observing animals and engaging in therapeutic activities.
- The narrator reflects on their resilience and determination to navigate their health challenges.
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Full
Shake a lot. ... Thank you. ... ... Well, the ducks normally arrive at this time of day. Hi, first flight. Real Bella, yes. Of course you can. Hi, first flight. Hi, old Bella. So we're waiting for the ducks to arrive. I hope they arrive because my bunny, don't know if you can see him under there. He really likes to play with the ducks and they usually arrive at this time. So I'm just waiting to see because it's really nice see him play with the ducks yeah I mean we're not supposed to have ducks in the pool but they poop you know that's a health hazard but my giant bunny is kind of lonely and he needs that interaction yeah it's gross they poop in the pool and I'm playing in the pool so I will offer I'll often submarines lap the ducks out of the pool. You know, like swim underwater. I don't know. It's fine. But I put a short video up of Beano playing with ducks and his personality changed overnight. It was like he got the to just start owning the place. You just see them lying down under there just watching me. Just waiting for them to arrive. Normally they come around five o'clock. They're usually within 10 minutes. Hmm. I don't know, they haven't arrived yet. I'm just waiting. Anyway, while I'm doing that, I just oiled my face so that I can do some limp massage on my face. My trusty hammer Okay, I'm going to chance getting in the pool. Is it cold? That's why the ducks like it. The ducks come because it's a cold pool. If it's heated, they don't really want to get in. And... The camera's wobbling because you're in the jacuzzi, so it's bouncing around a bit. Cry again when I'm brave enough. I don't know. I'm just not feeling well. Well. Hey, baby. He's enjoying a bum yum. Mmm, bum yums. Well, it looks like the duck didn't come today, huh? You know why? It's the weekend. Oh, here they come. Here they come. They're coming. See? The ducks have just arrived. The ducks have just arrived. Okay, so let's see if... Look at this. He's paying attention to the ducks now. I'll see if I can zoom in. Ooh. See? Bino, the ducks are here. You can go play with them now. He's like, what up? Bino, the ducks are here. I'm not allowed to go in the pool now, because while they're here, I don't want to disturb them, so I'll do any handstands or anything, but I just want to keep an eye on what Bino does. I got them arriving. And what time was it? Five minutes per five. So... Still in the pool. Oh, they just hopped out. It is above my head. Out there. Hi, Mike. I'm still feeling really rough. But it's okay. I'm... My next oncology appointment is Friday, and I'm feeling pretty secure. Where did they go? I can't see them. Right, let me see if I can zoom in on these guys right above my head, right? There they are. Check them out. They're watching me in the tub, and they're a little bit like... And there's Beano. Oh, look! Look! He's gone to see the duckies! See? He wants to play with the duckies! Good boy, Beano! Aw, Jesus! They come to see him! They come to see him! The ducks are coming to see Beano! Oh my God, look at that! I'm hiding behind my purse. So they theoretically can't see me, but they know I'm there. There he goes. He's going to go play with the ducks. Yes, he is a giant Fleming. No, he's a New Zealand, actually. Sorry. He's a New Zealand giant. I'm just going to move my hearse out of the way. Oh. Oh my god, I'm so glad I got this on livestream. Yeah, he does swim actually. He doesn't enjoy it though yet. I haven't got him into swimming yet. He'll float in the bathtub with me. He fell in the koi pond the other day and he was not impressed because it was stinky. I couldn't get the smell off him for three days. I had a giant rabbit that smelled like fish. It was gross. Look at him. Are you happy now, Bino? Are you happy? He's happy now. Aw, sweet. I'm trying to hold the camera still because it's bobbed about in the jacuzzi. Oh, crap. Okay, let me sort this down. It seems to have slid... Oh no, that's it. They've gone. I'm sorry, Bino. I scared them all. I'm sorry, baby. Damn it. Okay. I think they saw this little radar tower here in the jacuzzi and got spooked. So I'm just gonna do a handstand next to Bino. How about that? Yeah? I'll do a handstand right there. All right, baby. I'll show you about that, baby. Perfect. He's so upset the duckies are gone. But anyway... So... I'm in here every fighting cancer. Um, it's really changed because I have absolutely zero fear with this illness at the moment. Um, I don't know what I want to talk about. I, I purely, I came online because I just wanted to show Vino playing with ducks because he's just been looking forward to that. And I'm really proud that he got a moment. Now he's like, where are the ducks? I might just get in the pool. so ... Yes. ... ... He's so mad. Anyway. He's upset his place left. So anyway, there's a lot going on with me and I don't even know where to start. Um, there's an inside knowingness to what cancer feels like that you only know if you're experiencing it he's sitting on the island right check this out there he is he's got his wee tail up and he's sitting on the island ah this is a lookout post he really wants the ducks to come back they're done so Okay, I can see him in here, which means I can have my back turned. But I need a nozzle. I need the jacuzzi nozzle. You can see me. I can see you. Let's move Well, I'm glad the ducks came. Oh, this is interesting. So on my face, my complexion is improving. There's a mark there, which is a lymph node diseased. The strange mark on my nose, which was something else that was coming out on my face. And there's a few marks. I mean, I'm not, I just look at the signs. I'm just checking out what Vino's up to. Vino! I'll just go see. Oh, there you are. I see. I have to watch the bunny. Gina! Come back, Gina! He wants to go indoors. He literally wants to go indoors right now. I guess we got the ducks on camera. Anyway, reflection on my face just to see this is the external expression of what's happening on the inside of my body and I know that I'm looking pretty healthy which means that my immune system is actually killing the cancer because what happens is it tries to run away from the immune system and ends up stuck in my face so I end up with these lesions that pop up and they leak on my face. A bit like acne, but it's not technically acne. I see him now. He's coming back. Dino! Dino! He's so dumb, wants to go indoors. Oh man, I feel so bad. He wants to play with the turks and Oh, Vino. Here he comes. All right, baby. I'm coming back now. Peace. Beano. Come back Beano, come on. He's like literally waiting. Are you going? Can we go home now? Can we go? Can we go? He's one lucky rabbit. He's like if mummy won't take me home I'm gonna annoy her and sit in the bushes. Hmm. There he is. You just want to go in tools now. ... You've had enough. You're tired. You just want to go indoors. You just want to go indoors now. You got to play with the ducks a bit. No, you wanted more. I love you, baby. The ducks have gone in for the evening. Alright, so... You gonna let me play for a bit? Or... You just wanna go in? Hmm? Nah, he wants to go in. I needed more time. Alright. Going in. So... Okay. I'm going to get my stuff ready to go and let's walk in together. Yes, you're going back in the basket. Okay. the jacuzzi off for a second. Tidy up area. Okay. Goodnight, Mike. Right. Is this fully... Oh. Now it's zoomed out. Okay. So... This is a little difficult. I haven't left anything. No. So I didn't want to talk about I didn't want to talk about my cancer journey today. I just I just feel so crappy. I just wanted to enjoy myself. but it's okay the pain I'm in is pretty constant and the only relief I get is getting in the pool because the cold shock for some reason pain away right now I have liver pain and I'm unable to sleep at night anymore I wake up in pools of sweat I was so drenched. I literally thought one of the bunnies had peed in my bed, but it was me. I was sweating that bad. All right, Bino. All right. Okay. Just need a bit of a break. So what I'll probably do is I'll make it indoors, drop Pino off and carry Maybe I'll go back and hit the Jigsy again and do some alone therapy. I enjoyed it with Bino, but I have to, you know, left an eye on him. There's the koi pond he fell in. So he fell in, went for a surprise swim. Oh, thank you, Tosh Tosh. It's good to finally see you on the stream. Yeah. And maybe it's a reflection of my energy. I don't know. Both my bunny are pretty calm. I give them a lot of reassurance and let them expand their personalities. It increases their confidence, you know? All right. So. I'm just hurting a lot. Alright, we're nearly home. We're just across, literally just across the pond. So, Vino's a little excited all of a sudden because he's seen a cat. Yeah. Yeah, you know, so three nights ago, I didn't think the cancer had made it to my liver, but it has. So I was a little scared because I was like, oh, these intermittent signs are in my liver. And I couldn't sleep. I was feeling like, well, I was a bit scared. So I picked up Beano, took him to bed with me. and he knew there was something wrong with me and he stayed with me and cuddled with me and he lay on my belly kept my liver warm didn't move and it it was huge comfort for me I think he knows but I'm not well so he knows and I've I've a lot of healing work on him I've When I first got him, he'd been in a cage all his life, in a meat farm. Here's his mom tattoo, ready? Here's his meat farm tattoo. So, he'd never experienced love, he couldn't hop, and it took me three years to get all the fecal mats out of his bum. So, he couldn't hop. he would do is he would just shound on his butt and it was really sorry sight to see and then he discovered he could hop but he was very weak so what he tends to do is he sort of falls over a lot and he'll wobble around when he's trying to clean himself he'll wobble and fall over and it's partially a neural thing because there's some kind of compression in his spine so I had to work that out I had to give him some chiropractic And then fix his muscles, like his zower's muscle was atrophied and his hamstrings were atrophied. So I've been working on doing those. And now he hops around the pool and he's looking for ducks to play with. And he's growing in confidence and he's turning into a happy bunny. So I'm really, really proud. I'm really proud of him. And he's paying me back. He's paying me back by cuddling me at night through my pain. Which is pretty bad at the moment. But... I'm not scared now because I know I'm fighting it. Yes, Vino. No. Vino. He's like, no, I don't want to go in. I'll play with the animals. Is there any more ducks? He goes. Are there any more ducks? Okay. We're nearly home. Let me... Just put the camera there. I'll take you in. Guess what? I put the livestream on and the rides on the part of mine. And I got them... I'm going out a bit longer. so I think I'm just gonna jump back into jacuzzi I don't know how long my phone camera has I could just check my weight a second unfortunately the pain of eating hurts it hard for me to eat so I'm losing weight a little bit too fast let me just test what it is today I'm just going to check I'll go and wear myself in the clubhouse I don't think Okay, it's quiet. Okay. I'm just going to check. Okay. Not bad. I'm losing about two pounds a week now and it's not from trying, it's because it's just painful to eat. like even the smallest amount of food and then I can't bear it so I just weighed myself I'm 117 so across a couple of days I'm not really going to notice a difference but week by week it's a couple of pounds a week and I think my line limit before things start to get really difficult is if I if I hit 105 pounds be a little stressed so I've got about four weeks to to somehow stop the progression And I'm not, I'm not scared that it's progressing. I'm not scared that it's progressing. How can I explain it? Okay, this is pretty. Okay. Right. I'll stick you in the pool with me again. I didn't want to take Nino indoors, but I needed to focus on alleviating some of this liver pain that I'm going through at the moment. Right. So, I don't know where I want to start, but on Honestly, if I tell anyone I have cancer, their immediate reaction is something very uncomfortable because I'm not scared at all, and apparently I should be, but I'm not. And they don't know how to react with that. It's just kind of weird. My husband is terrified. I have two close friends that I talk to and they are just like the cancer word itself is so terrifying to people and I reassure them you know I don't feel like I'm babysitting people's emotions because I'm not going to do that but I know what this feels like and it's something that's very individual for every person whatever their fight is and when you know your body well I feel like I'm the navigator of my body so however long this was growing in me how many years or whatever my cancer was growing probably for years and it was fueled by stress, chronic stress. And there was something else as well that was fueling it. My immune system was blind and it couldn't see it, which is why it just continued to grow. And eventually, eventually, the the symptoms just became unavoidable, that there was something really wrong and somehow my brain put together all the sensations from everywhere in my body and realized something was really not right and there's this knowingness that comes from those sensations you know what the inside of your body is not supposed to feel like so you intuitively well for me I'm gonna say from now on my perspective so I feel I feel that something isn't right what do you do if you have an itch you scratch it right well the itch is the body so how do you scratch it if you can't touch it you can't poke it it's buried deep it's inside an organ it's wrapped around something else it's so I'm focusing on the sort of itchy scratchy areas in my belly and I'm like I wonder if, if I tense this muscle or if I stretch this leg, if it's attached to it. So you do the odd stretch and you feel it twinge. You feel it kind of tear a bit because it has a different texture. So your muscle is very, it has a lot of tenacity and your healthy tissue has tension and tenacity. But disease tissue is clumpy. It feels clumpy. It feels like hamburger meat. And it feels dense and it feels just wrong. Like you've got this plaquey buildup in there that's clumping and growing and feeding on your G and making you fatigued. And I was like, okay, I have to stop this now because this is going to kill me if I don't stop it now. It's interfering with some organ function now. So I go into the jacuzzi and I start pummeling parts of the cancer with the jacuzzi. And the sensation is different. It's so different. It's like, wow, I want to do that again. And did I really feel that? So the sensation I'm getting is your skin is like a trampoline. It has tension. You pinch it and it pulls back. And the jacuzzi jet nozzles are... battling, vibrating these different interfaces of your organs, which are smooth. Everything's smooth. And so the reactions of those vibrations and sound vibrations and pressure waves, they reflect and they transmit. But when they hit cancer, they absorb into this mushy tissue and break it up. And it's the weirdest sensation to feel something inside you break up. And on one hand, that's kind of dangerous because now I've got this little fear that, okay, I've just broken up this cancer and now it's free to go somewhere else in my body. That was kind of part of the plan because then I realized... you can control the amount you break up. You break up just enough to activate the immune system to get it seeing it. And then the immune system goes in and it goes crazy, Ograms itself, it does antibodies or something and it reproduces and autoclones and it goes, those are prison break guys, go get them. So even answer runs elsewhere to the body, which it does on my face, it sort of pops up in these lymph nodes and then grows into these weird, like almost, um, likes and tags, but they're really sore, like ulcers on the inside of my mouth. Oh my, that's gross. It feels kind of nasty, but that's the immune system. Tracking it wherever it's gone in the body and then attacking it. So it swells up when it does that. So I was like, oh, actually now that gives me a sense of less fear because now I know that my body can, my immune system can chase it down and, and, and stop it. So the strategy became to start battling in the jacuzzi, breaking it down. and any escapee cancer clumps, they were going to get chased down by immune system. That was the strategy, and it was working to a point when I overdid it one day, and I spent five hours, because I was like, what if I do more? What if I do more? And I spent five hours at a koozie one day, and I sent so much information like debris into my body to digest that my immune system was completely overloaded and I ended up with this just like painful cancer itch all over my skin everywhere. It started on my legs and then it progressed and it went into my abdomen. It was on my inside of my elbows and it was like my immune system couldn't bloated with the cancer. cancer cells that they had gone around and digested, they couldn't escape my body fast enough. So they started to come through the skin and I felt like a cactus. I felt like these immune cells have got stuck in the skin and they settled like sand in the skin and so the itch is kind of, you can't see through it, it gets worse at night and it was just impossible so I found the way to deal with it was to massage with a polypeptide lotion which preserves the skin barrier and moisturizes the skin enough so that it becomes very flexible and allows these salts it feels like salt coming out of the skin to pierce their way through the skin leaving like these little red pinpricks so you massage off down to get rid of the itch but You, you realize looking at your body, it's like, oh God, I've got this strange rat. It looks like little pinpricks everywhere. And it's literally like immune debris coming out of the body where it, it couldn't be cleaned up fast enough by the liver and the spleen. So now I've got a routine where I'm like, okay, don't do five hours. That's too much. That overloads the body. But two hours worked for me. So I do two hours. a day and then what happens is overnight my liver kicks in to metabolize all the immune cells with the cancer debris that they've absorbed so my liver transforms that into little packets of stuff that it can use reuse elsewhere like fuel you know it's it's using it as emergency protein. I'm digesting the hamburger in my belly and I'm using emergency protein. So there you go. So anyway, that's, that's my understanding of what's happening in my eating. And that's what I'm feeling. And I know that everyone's is gonna be different or they'll feel differently. But that's why I have no fear at all. 'Cause I'm like, my body knows what to do. I'm just enabling it. So I'm doing the infrasound vibration to baffle it. To, you know, break up the clumpy cancer and then my immune system can circulate and do its job and clean up. But if I do too much, I really suffer a night. So, um, oh wow, it's foggy tonight and the moon's out. Okay. Okay. So... I don't know... The lighting's really weird. And you're bobbing around. Oh my god, I look pretty weird. Maybe. Okay. So, back in December, beginning of December, I was 147 pounds. And then I suddenly started losing weight. Um... I think in January, it was 126 pounds. And now, where are we? First week of February. Now I'm 117 pounds. So I'm losing about 2 pounds a week. And it's... because it's really hard to get nutrition in me right now. Every time I eat, my liver really hurts. Um... Ah... I'm just trying to think of ways to describe the liver pain because, you know, I just realized people don't know what it feels like for a painful liver. That's weird, right? It's like, oh, my liver hurts. Like, who talks like that? I first started a few, I would say... I've had attacks of liver pain throughout my life throughout the last 10 years for sure and I just kind of grew used to it as something that happens now and again so it would happen like funnily enough usually after Thanksgiving you know usually after you had a big blowout meal and several days in a row of leftover foods of the same thing and then for some reason my liver would just be like crapping out on me and I would end up with this agonizing pain at three in the morning and it would feel like this swollen kind of size of a golf ball stuck in my liver and I and I would say to the doctor oh my god I had a liver pain pain last night or whatever and then they'd be like oh do some breathing exercises and they would show me how and that wouldn't really help because by now I felt like I was hit by a train and on a couple of occasions they tested my blood and sure enough there was a liver injury and it was showing up in my blood as some something I can't remember what it was and I was like well what does that mean a liver injury and they're like oh it It'll heal. It's fine. Your liver gets injured sometimes and it will heal. So I just thought that that was normal every now and again to get liver pain because you ate too much or because you ate the same foods in a row and it was just too much for your liver to process. So when these symptoms start changing, I didn't put it together that it was something really bad. Now the liver pain feels different. And I'm going to describe what the difference is. This is going to sound really weird. So, I would notice that after eating certain food, I started thinking, was this a food allergy? Was this a food sensitivity? There's certain foods. foods would bring on the liver pain. And I didn't realize at the time when your immune system is doing that to you and it's giving a sensitivity, your immune system is telling you that it's stressed, that it's doing something that it shouldn't be because it's stressed and you have to listen to that. And I didn't listen to that. I didn't listen to it for years. and I just thought it was a food sensitivity and I avoided gluten and I avoided I went on a low histamine diet and it mitigated it but the symptom kept coming back of this liver pain finally I was diagnosed with Cas which is by the way it's on the cancer line it's known to mutate into three different forms of cancer one of three different forms and I had already had the telltale signs of cancer, but somehow the doctors didn't put it together. I'd had a tumor removed from my duodenum, which was extremely rare and they didn't do a biopsy on it. A rare tumor is removed from my body and you didn't do pathology on it. That's weird. But now I'm under the care of an oncologist who diagnosed me with MCAS And the crisis that I was in was let's stop the weight gain because I was just gaining weight so fast because the liver pain stopped me from eating real foods. And the only thing to go through was carbohydrates. So I'm effectively starving of nutrition with making me more hungry. And the only food that can go through that can be digested is carbohydrates and sugars so I just started blowing up I started getting like really moon-faced and my energy crashing and the oncologist told me we just need to get this under control and get your gut like working again so I spent a good six months doing that trying to get my gut back to some sort of being normal, which I managed to do by eating well, like high nutrition diet, high nutrition diversity, you know, and the liver pain seemed to side. So I thought was it, you know, I'm going to be cured of MCAS. I'm going to be in remission of a couple of bumps there on my forehead. I can see them now. See what that is, is the immune system erupting again. Anyway, I achieved last year and I thought, oh, I'm okay now. And the oncologist signed me off for six months. He was like, you know what? don't need to see you for six months. We'll just keep a check and make sure that you're stable. And that's when things started to turn bad. So in the last six months, things started to rapidly change. I started limping, had a lot of pelvic discomfort, pelvic pain, and the liver pain just didn't seem to be there anymore. But I noticed that I was having a lot of walking and walking distances and walking up hills. And I was developing a limp that didn't seem to be coming from pain. It seemed to be coming from some lack of motor control, some lack of nerve control, like some lack of strength, a weakness, this pervasive weakness. And I was getting really chronically fatigued and I was feeling permanently anxious like I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and like subconsciously I knew something was wrong but I didn't have the words or the confidence to go to a doctor and say I really think there's something wrong please can you find what it is because I don't know how to articulate it and that gave me anxiety not being able to ask for help because I thought to myself, if I go to the doctor over some little subtle symptom, they're just going to push it off as, oh, it's part of your anxiety or it's part of, I don't know, it's part of stress at work or something. So I didn't go. And then, and then suddenly the liver pain started again and it was bad this time. It was more... It wasn't as acute. It was subtle. So as an example, I would drink a hot drink and as soon as the hot drink touched my stomach, my stomach would react, especially if it was a cold drink, actually. So if it was extremely cold, like ice drink or extremely hot, I'd get the same reaction. And it wasn't a pain from the stomach. It was as soon as that liquid touched my stomach, my stomach would go and something on my stomach couldn't with it it would just kind of stay stuck so my stomach would squish and this would so there was this horrible tearing sensation every time I drank anything really hot or anything really cold and talking about the kind of pain that's like you drink something and And then all of a sudden it's like, really slowly kind of tearing away. Just the grossest sensation. And my husband sort of looked at me like, are you all right? And I'm like, yeah, just frickin' ask. It will go away in a second. It's gone. And that will be it. And this would happen, I don't know, like every other day. once or twice a week, this strange pain. It was really sudden, but it would be over once it had torn itself. And I had in my brain, in my body, my brain is going, I know what that is. That is not right. That's something on your stomach that is not replicating the way muscles move. And every time your stomach squishes, it's tearing. That's what my brain was thinking. But who's going to believe me? Is a doctor going to believe me? Can I go to a doctor about this weird pain that... I don't know. So I didn't go. But this pain got worse and it started to affect me with food, not just hot liquids. So if I ate too much, so if I ate more than a handful, if I filled my stock up, I would just be in agony because my stomach is going, we're just good. and it would be like tear tear tear tear and I'd just be in agony I couldn't eat and so I started losing weight because to get food into me was really painful and I've been losing £10 a month ever since then so I was £147 Three months ago, and I'm now 117. I lost 30 pounds. Is that right? 30 pounds. December, January, less than three months, I lost 30 pounds. Look at me. Like, I've got nothing left to lose and I'm still losing weight because it's so hard to get nutrition into me. So anyway, that was the stomach pain. And by now, I signed off work. I went on medical leave because there was something really wrong and I couldn't get myself heard in front of the right doctor. I go to the doctor and they would order tests and the tests come back normal and they're still coming back normal. It's really crazy. It's like I'm really sick, a lot of pain and the tests are still coming back normal. But guess what? I saw the MRI. And in the MRI, the cloud, and the cloud wraps around a few of my organs, not just one. And I see the shape of my organs and I can see this cloud invading. And this is what really got me thinking. I'm not a radiologist. I shouldn't be looking at and I shouldn't be seeing what I'm seeing. So maybe the radiologist will see that and that would just be me like validated. The radiologist came back two weeks late. Unremarkable. There's nothing wrong. I'm just like, what do I do? No one's going to believe me if I tell them there's something there. No one's going to believe me. So my quality of life in the meantime has... I think one of the main symptoms I didn't talk about was I got so used to it I couldn't poop literally could not squeeze my butthole so and I just thought you know sometimes it doesn't work and over the course of the year it got worse and worse to the point where if I'm full and I have a sensation that I'm full but nothing's gonna work I'm gonna have to dig it and so I'd go in the bathtub and I put a pile of tissue paper on the side of the tub and I'd be like I'm just gonna dig this out you dig out a pebble at a time and I noticed that the pebbles weren't coming out pebble shaped they're coming out like butter scoops like a teaspoon of butter they come out butter scoop as though my rectum isn't like that it's like that and the only way the poop is through the side, through this butter scoop, this little spoon of butter. So I told the doctor this. I told them, I told all of my doctors this. I told my gynecologist, I told my primary care physician and they were like, it's not gonna kill you. Like literally, they just didn't take it on board. This was my quality of life that was now in the toilet. So, and I was mad by now. Now I'm losing weight, and I still can't poop, and it's just terrible. And one of the funniest things was I wore all these handstands by the cool, so one of my old stunt friends texted me. He's like, hey, do you want to come out and play? we do a hotel together and we can hire, we can hire a hotel room and then we can use the pool and do stunts in the pool. And I was like, yeah, I'm down. I'm totally down for that. So the next day, the day before, he texts me and he's like, are you ready to go? And I'm like, yeah, just one thing. I said, I just thought I'd let you know. Um, I, I need to use the bathroom to dig my poop out my ass before I go into a swimsuit because I don't exactly have a butt as tight as a duck's butt. I can't control when I poop. So I need to kind of dig that stuff out twice a day. So before we go into the pool, I just thought I'd let you know that this is what I have to do in the bathroom and I'm the bathroom for an hour at a time oh my god he was like oh okay you have your chores to do before you come out okay and i said no no no no chores are chores this is what i do before i put my swimsuit on i have to dig my butt out and phone went silent and he never takes me back after that and i was just laughing my ass off because i thought in all the years that i've predated on by guys that the oh we're just going out on a stunt date we're just gonna play but really they want something else and all I had to say was I can't poop I have to dig my bum hole now just totally puts them off they run away from me and I just I just find that hilarious I'm like okay yeah you I get it you want a healthy young girl to play with, and I am not that. I am an old Korean who can't poop. No one's going to dig my poop out for me. Do you know what I mean? I just find it so funny. So, I wasn't sad about it. I wasn't disappointed. I was enlightened. I was like, well, that's... I was totally down for playing and I thoroughly scared him off. I thoroughly ruined his day. I can imagine him like... Okay. ... so anyway I'm I'm using these live streams as a method of finding my words I'm finding my words so that when I see the doctor next I've got more tests coming up I have a cold Oposcopy next week, which is where they take a six inch needle. They go through your uterus into your belly to collect the clumpy material to find out what cancer is. So they know it's cancer. They just don't know what subtype it is. And it's very likely to be stage four anyway, because it's pervasive throughout my body. So this week was kind of funny because I saw the hip surgeon. Once again, there was another six inch needle and he says, so I'm going to use this needle and I'm going to try and aspirate some fluid for testing. I'm like, okay, stab it away. And he pokes the needle in and I'm like, yeah, poke harder, poke harder. And he was freaked out. He was like, have I got the right spot? And I said, yeah, it really itches so bad, right? that and he said hmm I can't get any fluid out there's no fluid and I'm like that's because I'm in the jacuzzi every day baffling the edema so there's no swelling and he was like oh okay well we tried yeah I said it really itches in there and he said okay another six inch needle I'm gonna pump you full of lidocaine and you've got hours to play with your hip and follow up with the surgeon and tell him what you think I was like okay he sticks this needle into my hip six inches this long and I'm like oh yeah yeah that's it right there oh it's so itchy and he says all right okay I'm injecting it in now and I'm like great he says okay done he said now I want you to move around and play for a bit and see how it feels um and he walked out the room and I had these medical shorts which was funny they were like a 44 inch black plastic shorts like a baby diaper and so I got off the table and immediately my face because my leg wasn't working it was like damn it the nerves working so he put lidocaine in there but it effectively blocked the nerve and I couldn't figure out how to get dressed because I couldn't balance I couldn't move my leg it was just like it was being a jerk so anyway I managed to get out of there and I'm on my disability buggy and I'm heading home it's all good and I get to the pool and I'm like great um I don't feel any pain I can't use my legs I can't balance because I can't use my legs So I can't do a handstand because I don't know where my leg is. I can't control it. And if it flops down or whatever, and I might smack my toe on the concrete because I can't control my leg. I was like, damn it. So anyway, I got a sense that the pain relief was temporary. It was only a couple of hours. It was supposed to be four hours, but I couldn't really do anything with it. Then the next day I had to have blood and the blood draw proved it was normal which was kind of funny because I was like I look so healthy right this is what it looks like when you're fighting it when you are healthy you are fighting it so theoretically there may not be any sign of it in your because you are fighting it right so I was like It doesn't bother me. It's not frustrating to me because I know now that the doctor's hands are tied. They can't request a specific, definitely not a PET scan until you have the check boxes or the symptoms that you're supposed to be suffering. Well, now I am. I'm really sick. So I'll be able to go to my oncologist next week and say, yeah, you couldn't palpate any lumps. Last time I saw you, well, now I know. where they are. Here, here and here. And I'll be able to put his fingers on the spot and say, here are the lumps. I can feel them. And by the way, I want us in on the MRI because I can see something in there and I'm not a radiologist, but I can see something in there. It's not supposed to be there. I know what organs look like and I know where the organs are. And this is kind of not any of those. It's material that shouldn't be there. It's strangulating my So, I'm fully confident that I'll be able to direct my oncologist to get the test next week to find it. And what's most likely to happen is a PET scan and another surgical biopsy. And that will be that. They'll see it. You'll be able to see it on a PET scan. It will show up. The good news is the amount of fight that I've been doing, I have literally felt the masses inside me shrink. So by the time they do the PET scan, it'll be interesting to see if it has shrunk in a number of places. Because when you compare it to the MRI, it's huge. So I think the timeline of by the time I get the PET scan and from the original MRI, when they do a comparison, it'll be really interesting to see some realisation from the doctors that I've actually been fighting this. And that's why I'm not scared. Because I've been through really bad pain. And what I'm going through now... is comfortably below my limit. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'm below my limit. So I've got a lot of bandwidth to deal with a lot more. So I'm okay. I've been through worse. So the thing that does concern me is the liver pain because that is ongoing now, continuous. And the liver pain's a really important one to describe because I describe the stomach pain to you the liver pain kicks in after eating so the stomach pain happens first and it's appreciating and it happens while the stomach is mulching away and liver pain kicks in afterwards around two hours after eating and then it just gets worse and worse and worse and with every single meal without fail it doesn't matter how much eat how small I eat because every time the liver is activated to excrete those excretions cannot pass through my liver very easily so I feel like my liver is a bunch of grapes if that makes any sense so all the little ducks that are trying to excrete are backed up and I feel like I have a bunch of grapes under here and if I just gently move it around it really does feel like a bunch of grapes in my liver oh it's like just kind of it's kind of nauseating actually so I've been using the jacuzzi to relieve my liver by using the bubbles I don't want to call it bubbles because it's jet flow and the bubbles is just a result of cavitation so when the water cracks is is compressive decompress whenever you get the decompression it it's called cavitation and the oxygen the gases dissolved in the water come out of solution into a bubble so that's what bubbles are it's the cavitation the change in water pressure if you think it's vibrating a lot and that vibration at the trough of the vibration so you've got high pressure, low pressure at the trough of that vibration. It's like it creates these bubbles. So if you think about it, what happens if you baffle your diaphragm under here? You baffle it with the jet nozzle and you combine it with a girdle exercise. I call it a girdle exercise rather than breathing exercise because breathing exercise implies you're doing it with your lungs. But a girdle exercise is everything, everything here and I'll show you it. So I'll just see if I can. Right. Okay. So I'm going to start again. I'm going to fill my lungs up. Let's see if I can show you from the side. This is my liver here. And this is where it's painful. Right there. So I'm going to try and give it a sage. And I do that by using the muscles to gently squeeze it and roll it so that it's rolling and it's milling my liver out, if that makes any sense. So your liver excretes things all the time. But if it's suffering with inflammation that needs to be milked out. You can't massage it. So you're going to milk it out by causing this gentle squeezing and get out. So I do it like this, right? So breathe in. Suck in my belly button and then push it out. And if I combine that with the jet nozzles baffling here, creating relation, it It gets the sticky inflammation out of my liver. It helps me unblock it so that when I eat, I can excrete those midlites that are necessary and I don't suffer as much pain. So that's how I'm fighting. That's how I'm fighting cancer right now. I'm trying to look after my liver because people don't die of cancer. They die of liver failure. And I'm used to liver pain, but I know how to manage it. And I'm helping my liver by massaging it, doing the muscle. Right, ready? Breathe in and stretch the diaphragm. Stretch all of this out. And then press... So I've just given my liver a good ease and a good milking session. The moon is pretty. I'm just going to jump in the pool one last time. And then I'll head in. Okay. There you go. That was really refreshing. So, I'm going in now. I've done enough babbling about crap. Are you? Okay. Okay. ... Woo! ... Good. The trouble is the jacuzzi always makes me feel so much better. I just want to stay out here and then I stay out here too long and then I pay for it. If I do too long in the jacuzzi, I get really ill. So, yeah, I think I'm just going to wrap up now. I just wanted to play so bad. ... Come. ... ... Okay.