Merch Competition: Max Out TP

We're suckers for a good Dad joke, congrats to the winner Diego Felix!

A man is getting a checkup. Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating." Man: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you."

yo mama so fat they sent her picture to ripleys. they sent it back sayin they dont believe it.

A spider named Simon came home from a long hard day at his job working as a global Internet technician😏... It was his birthday so as he got through the door he called out to his lodger and friend Millie the millipede "come on millie let's go to the pub to celebrate my birthday". After pausing for a few seconds Simon heard no response so he called out again "Millie, its my birthday! let's go to the pub!"... Again there was no response and Simon was getting agitated so he shouted "Millie you said you would go to the pub with me! it's been a bloody hard day sorting out idiots who can't access the Web, I don't appreciate being ignored by you as well!" to which Simon heard millie shout back "I heard you the first time you bloody martyr, iv been getting my shoes on!"

Two bishops were driving to church when suddenly the devil crashed down from above, landing heavily onto their car bonnet. "Quick! Show him yer cross" exclaimed one of the men... The other priest wound down his window, stuck his head out and shouted at the top of his lungs: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR YOU BASTARD" Ps I hope this doesn't offend anyone it just made me chuckle when I heard it 💙

One day whilst there was trouble in the west, a blacksmith by the name of Mr Brown saw a wild fox walk by on 2 legs, the blacksmith was amazed by this and asked the fox how he was able to do this, the fox responded "simple", "you can speak?" asked Mr Brown, the fox replied "I don't speak much, I'm a bit of an introvert" Mr brown replied "a sentient fox, okay, I tell you what, if you can stand on your hands and walk for 10 meters, I will give you one of my most valued items" the fox lost in thought for a moment, bent over and placed one hand under each foot and walked the distance. Mr brown realizing he had been outsmarted, presented the fox with a large majestic hammer and said "you're a sly fox aren't you" the fox replied "I am indeed, and thank you sir, I shall call this the Hustle Hammer"

Why did the Norwegian Navi put barcodes on their ships? So when they dock they can "Scan the Navy in"

Why did the waveform go to the dentist? Because it had a SAW tooth

I'm really dyslexic my friends tell me I can, read and write I tell them I cunt

where does a father keep their best jokes? in his dad-a-base

I've got a friend with the world record for the longest ejaculation - he's come so far!

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only have to punch the instructions into the drum machine once

One nuerofunk producer has a piece of hardware stolen. He sets up a camera to make sure he catches whoever did it in their tracks. Sure enough, another piece of hardware goes missing not long after. When checking the footage, the producer lets out a gasp. He yells at the top of his lungs: "I've found the Culprate!"

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I’ve never asked to have a lentil on my face

I’m friends with a Spanish sound engineer and a Czech one too

Guy walks into a bakery and asks, hey mr baker man how come this cake is 50p and this other cake is £1…. The baker said … that’s Madeira cake.

Que le dice un jaguar a otro jaguar? Jaguar you 🐆

I don't follow my dreams but I ask where they're going so we can meet up later.

My music