It’s been kind of rough. (what i've been up to)
Hi guys! So it has been many many months since I’ve posted anything on here, as some of you have probably noticed.
I’ve been jumping on near the end of each month to pause payment cycles, so no one should have been charged since February, but I haven’t interacted much beyond that or checked stats or messages. I haven’t even looked at my email in ages either, to be honest.
It’s been kind of rough. That doesn’t excuse the lack of explanation on my part, but I hope to provide some context since you deserve at least that.
This was *supposed* to be in video form — and may still be in the future, but it’s been four months since I’ve dyed my hair or bleached my roots and my Sally’s order isn’t coming until Monday and I don’t think I can bear to edit footage of myself in such a dire state.
ANYWAY.
So I went into this year doing solidly not great. In February I was trying out new meds with some awful side effects and just trying to power through them since I didn’t like the alternatives and I wanted them to work really badly.
Spoiler alert, they didn’t.
Around the same time that I came back from visiting a friend I talked to my psychiatrist who increased the dosage, and things got bad quite quickly. As nice as it was seeing my friend, it reminded me of what a functioning human looks like and I guess it put into perspective how nonfunctioning I was in my own environment with my mental state? Which just made it worse.
I was trying to meet patreon deadlines that month but at the end of it, it went from my goal being “getting the bare minimum done for patreon” to “doing the bare minimum to exist.” And I’m not exaggerating, it was bad. Like, “I hope I don’t get committed to a hospital when I talk to a professional about this” type bad.
So that was my rock bottom point. And that was kind of refreshing? Like doing anything was a success after that because at least I was alive.
I got off the one med and after a super fun withdrawal period that led to me being awake for like 72 hours, I was put on Lithium. Which is pretty much the only thing I hadn’t tried already. So far the side effects have been OK but dosing it was slow so for a while I was on virtually no medication at all, and just slept all day.
March consisted of me buying things from Ikea so I had something to look forward to (mail deliveries) and reorganizing my sewing room (this was a mistake) and making plans (that I bailed on) with people for the future months. I didn’t pressure myself to do anything, and I really didn’t do much of anything.
And then April came. And I wasn’t a whole lot better. And I was upset about that. I had to do my taxes. I got a really bad cold that lasted three weeks. I had my birthday. I lost my health insurance.
Throughout all of this, my sewing room was a disaster zone from trying to reorganize but losing motivation part way through.
In May Posie had surgery (she is fine!) so I was taking care of her pretty intensively for a couple weeks. And then I started trying to push myself —just a half hour a day working on something even though I had 0 desire or motivation to even move.
Then I started on a new medication in combination with the Lithum and it has been working wonders so far (though it took weeks to have any effect). In June I’ve had multiple days where I got up and felt capable of tackling things. My sewing room is organized. My bathroom is clean. My laundry is done. I haven’t painted my nails in months or dyed my hair but I feel like I can do that and more (!) in July.
That sounds really silly and sad, but it’s true. I had like a two week period where one of my nails was too long and it was uncomfortable, but I couldn’t be bothered to find a pair of clippers to cut it.
I didn’t use conditioner when I showered because it was an extra action I didn’t have energy for.
For the first time in my life I was not forgetting to eat but simply unwilling to get up to find food.
I stopped replying to messages because I was doing so little I had nothing to contribute.
My brain fog was so bad I couldn’t even concentrate enough to watch youtube videos or TV shows.
I’m not saying this for sympathy, I’m just trying to paint a picture of the fact I wasn’t off having fun on this break. I wasn’t having…anything, or doing anything but existing, and I didn’t even always want to be doing that.
So yeah. Things are going better now, but I’m still probably lower than the point I was at in January.
I’m one of those people where I need momentum, if that makes sense? I think that’s how despite things being not-great for a long time, I kept moving along (if not entirely successfully, but still, I was moving.) And now I’m in a hole, and it’s going to take a bit to get back to that point –much less better than that.
And I’ve procrastinated writing this until the 30th of June because I didn’t want to come back until I was “better”. I’m tired of posting “Sorry, see you next month, it’ll be better!” updates, but I had to hope the next month would be better because otherwise what is the point?
And then I couldn’t even bring myself to write those, because it just got to be embarrassing and I felt like saying nothing at all was better than repeating myself over and over— because that is the definition of insanity, right? And I was starting to feel insane.
But I know if someone I cared enough about to support disappeared, I’d be curious if not worried about what was going on. And I’m doing well enough to give you that, at least. I’m sorry it didn’t come earlier.
I think it goes without saying that I’m skipping this month and no one will be charged, heh. As for July? I don’t want to break more promises so I’m not setting goals beyond like…showering daily, and painting my nails.
But I would like to use my now clean sewing room to sew something for the first time since February. What will that be? I don’t know. I’d just like to do something, and hopefully that will inspire me to do something else, and maybe I’ll get back to a point where I can make videos and earn money (please, my god, lol) again.
So that’s where I am right now. I hope all of you are well, and thank you for those who have stuck around —though I certainly don’t blame those who left!
Also, to be very clear: I have supportive parents, I have a roof over my head, and I have a psychiatrist who has heard the bulk of this. I have friends to talk to. I’m physically healthy, my dogs are healthy and I would never leave them. My intention with this isn’t to make anyone worry about me, just to fill in the gaps of why I’ve been gone.
I hope all of you have a good weekend! At least part of mine will be spent cleaning and setting up an above ground pool for my dog. Not my favorite activity, but she loves it and I love her.
I have rambled on for long enough I think. Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!
Angela
Comments (70)
Hey, sending love. I'm glad you're working on taking care of yourself and I know how difficult that is. I hope you find some energy to work on projects even if they're just for yourself. Wishing you the very best always.<3
Hi Angela! Just dropping by to say that I’m thinking of you!
Hi Angela! I've been watching your videos for years and your artistry is a huge inspiration in my own sewing journey. I hope that you are well! We're all sending you love!
New found follower. It's okay to not be okay and I hope that you can read this and get some reassurance through that.
I check in on your ig and yt every once in a while to see if you've posted anything, not for the content but because as a long time viewer I hope you're okay. I've had some really low points in my life, as well, and I know that there are times when any tiny ounce of energy, focus, or self compassion you can muster is a win. All that matters, ever, is your wellbeing. I really hope you're doing well. ♥️
Angela. Just wishing you the very best. I hope all is ok with you.
Hoping you're doing okay, even if that means taking a break from your platforms. Missing your art, but not at the detriment of your health ❤️
hey angela, i just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you. i hope everything's going ok. <3
dropping by to send my love and well wishes, Angela 💜 miss you dearly and hope your mental health journey has been going more positive than anything else 💜
I just wanted to stop in and at hi! I still watch your videos on YouTube when I feel the need for inspiration. Many of us have been where you are mentally, and where you have been. I know my mental health is a roller coaster sometimes. I miss your updates and I hope you're doing well ❤️🩹💜
I find myself coming back to this post a lot. I remember watching your Outlander dress video and being absolutely floored. Your Christmas videos always made December, which is a hard month for me, easier. You don’t owe us an explanation of where you are or how you are doing, but I hope you are doing well. I hope that hearing how you inspired me to start sewing and creating can bring you even a sliver of the joy you’ve given me in the years I’ve been subscribed for you. I am wishing you the best in your fight against your mental struggles and genuinely hope you are out there living your best life even if that life means never coming back to the internet. I hope you find happiness and peace wherever you may, and that this holiday season finds you in good health. I do miss your channel a lot, but from one depressed girlie to another, I totally understand your absence. Be happy and healthy, Angela, and I hope you enjoy this Christmas!
Angela! I miss your extravagant holiday projects immensely this time of year. I also hope that you're doing well off camera. Best wishes from Sweden (yes, the whole nation)
Hey Angela, I just want to say hi and let you know that you are loved and you are missed. I appreciate how honest you are with your mental health challenges. As someone just at the start of hers, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Hope that you and your family are all staying well. 💜
Been there, done that! Don't worry about us. We will still be around for you. Mental health issues are so unpredictable and it takes time for meds to do their job, finding the right ones, etc. Glad the Lithium seems to be working. I'm rooting you on and thanks or letting us know. This is very personal and it's hard to share so thank you or that. It was a brave move and I admire you for doing so. Take Good Care.
Hi Angela, I hope you are well! I wish I could put into words how much your videos have impacted me over the past couple of years, out of all the "sewing people" on YouTube you are my favourite :) I'm currently in my last year of my fashion design course and I still rewatch your videos to get me going when I'm feeling uninspired. Your technical skills combined with your playful designs and fabric choices are still unmatched by any other creator to me. At the start of this year I became a patron, I feel a bit guilty for only having supported you for one month whilst still having access to all your exclusive videos. I hope that I can repay my "debt" when you are feeling good enough to post again. Heck, even if you don't want to post, I'd still love to donate some money to you for still having these old patreon videos up! I know I can't possibly know what it is like to be you, but I can certainly sympathise with having days where even getting out of bed seems impossible. All I can say is that I hope you are not too hard on yourself. You have proven yourself to be a driven, dedicated, creative and hard working person, even if you are feeling like you are doing "nothing" now, those traits are still within you. Sorry if this is a bit rambly and disjointed, I guess I just wanted to thank you, for everything you've ever made and sharing it with all of us ^_^ Even if you decide to quit making videos, thank you for all you have shared with us until this point ❤️ Sorry for the essay ^^' I've never commented on your work before i think, so I tried to put everything out there all out once
Hey our dear Friend, just baby steps, one thing at a time. When I was in that black hole, I just did one thing a day, whether it was just doing laundry, or cleaning the bathroom. Eventually it will get to be able to do 2 things a day. Just baby steps. Your Patreon Fam fully support you and we care about you. Sending best wishes and healing vibes from Down Under
Thinking of you Angela. Best wishes
Please take all the time you need. I’ve been there too. ❤️
Mental health struggles- 2023 was my worst year ever. Thanks for the update and just keep swimming 🐠
I have become a patron because I know what it is to go through things like that and I've been watching YouTube and look forward to seeing you motivated again when your are ready.
Ah, those of us who you have battled what you are well remember the struggles. At least five generations of women in my family have battled depression in its many forms. Please don't feel guilty. You are treasured not for your perfect adherence to a schedule, but for yourself. We'll be here when you're better, and until then, we remember you in our thoughts and prayers. Big squishy hugs, and my new fur-baby's best kisses.
Many of us feel bad that you are dealing with this I know I ended up with and 3rd dog she's young and makes me laugh and I need thatso.Sometimes. just watchingsomething funny and let the bad thoughts driftaway helpd
I’ve been in a very similar boat many times in the past, and kinda right now, so I know some what you’re going through. Tbh I was concerned about you, but don’t want to be intrusive and overstep any bounds by asking. It’s nice to read your post, and thank you for taking the time to write it all out. I’ll be here when you’re ready to post again and I’d be happy to contribute my membership amount for the months you don’t post. 💕
It’s good to get all of that out there, because there is a speck of that energy that is released from you. No pressures ever! Doing nothing and just being is 100% acceptable. Thank you for having the courage to let us know you are OK.❤️
Thank you for rambling a bit, so nice to hear from you. I hope you'll get to take time off to do fun things too in the future.
Hi Angela! I am so glad to hear from you and that you are feeling better. Sorry the last few months were so bad, you are strong we are proud of you for doing your best, which doesnt look the same all the time and we get it. Finding the best treatment for your mental health is a tough journey (been there myself) but it does end in a good place. I hope you find yourself there soon.
i'm glad you're starting to go in the right direction now. please don't stress about making deadlines for this. we'll be here when you feel well enough to start again. <3
Mental health runs on it's own schedule. Take care of yourself and pause patreon as often as you need.
I have been worried, do it is reassuring to hear from you. They use the phrase "depths" of depression because it really does feel like your trapped in a hole. I'm just glad that you are safe and feeling hopeful for the future. But you really don't "owe" an apology, nor should you feel any guilt about looking after yourself. The people here saw in you something they want to support, and based on the comments of read, it's more than a transactional fee-for-content, it's more of a community and promoting kindness and creativity on the internet. Stay safe, and take care xx
Angela, I'm very happy that you are feeling better. The fact that you keep trying makes you a warrior. Never feel guilty about your trials. We all cheer you on and only wish that we could be there in person for you. You are in our hearts.
Ugh, mental health struggles are the worst. I'm glad to hear you're hanging in there and have stable housing/food, and I'm very VERY glad you've hit upon a medication combination that's helping some. Your only important job right now is to take care of yourself. Keep hanging in there!
It's good to hear from you. I am sorry to hear your mental health has been so rough, but I hope you don't feel too guilty for not showing up here "at work", because depression is an illness like any other (maybe rougher), and you wouldn't force yourself to post on Patreon with two broken arms, right? I look forward to whenever you have the energy to create again, but please take all the time you need to heal. I am so happy your new medication is working for you, and I hope it's upwards from here. Stay safe!
I have been worried, so I’m glad for the update and that the update means you’re feeling somewhat better. That said, I genuinely only want the best for you and hope you know that your health and wellbeing are absolutely the most important. I certainly know what the mental health struggle is like and keeping on top of even the most basic things can cause a downward spiral. I hope you continue to feel that things are moving in the right direction and that you only come back to work when you are comfortable.
Hi like so many of the other people I too know how Depression dictates your day. Thank God my Mental Health is not that bad but still. People who never suffered this kind of condition don't really get it. Even my Parents who Love me unconditionaly can't understand my lack of Motivation to keep my House Clean ( or sometimes my self). The Internet has its faults but it showed many people that they are not alone. I am a new patreon and I knew that you haven't posted Videos for a while but still I signed on but not because I expected that you didn't charge me. I am willing to pay, new Video or nlot. I binge watch your old Videos. Yes I do Hope that you will post again one day. But you should take as much time as you need. When I was at my lowest I didn't work for 4 Years. My luck is that I live in a Country that belives that you should get help when you go trough ruff times and have no Work. I know that in America things are different. I think you should not feel bad to charge your patreons, those of us who aren't able or willing to support you anyway will leave. And when it is time for you to come back many of them will reapear. If you decide that YouTube isn't for you anymore then you stop charging. I hope that you take care of your self and will be happy once again. Where there are lows there will be highs again!
So much love for you Angie. I’m sorry you are having such trouble with your medications. They are doing trials here of using ketamine infusions to treat depression and so far it’s been successful. I know that ECT can be amazing for some people too. Not all hope is lost. We’ll be here when you are ready. Xxx
Angela, please: don't stop accepting our support! Let it be up to us to decide. Although I am somewhat relieved to hear that you have been trying to take care of your health, it makes me sad to read about how you have struggled to meet your own demands and expectations. I'm pretty sure there are more people here who, like me, have battled burnout and depression, and know what a lengthy and tormenting process it can become. Is there ANY way at all for us to offer you support without you feeling the pressure to perform? Love, T.
... i obv didn't take the time to read other comments, before posting one myself... happy to see so many people agree. Everyone, please take care of yourself! Cherish and celebrate your tiniest wins, in any way you can find, that tickles your heart even the tiniest bit. It's hard as hell, when you struggle to find joy in ANYTHING at all, but keep looking anyway. Asking for, and accepting help and support is one of the most important skills to learn. But it's hard. And if it's hard, it IS hard. Doesn't matter if it seems easy for other people, or if you found it easy in the past. If it's hard, it's hard. But you can make it. One small step at a time. Love, T
So glad having some news. No pression Angela, take your time for improving things on your own pace. Your health is most important and you don’t have to feel bad of anything.
<3 <3 been thinking of you <3 <3 thinking things like "I bet angela is having a rough time. I hope she's not feeling crushing guilt about 'content creation' and that her dogs are being good supportive/needy dogs for her"
Hello! It's so nice to hear you're doing better! Thank you for coming on and letting us know you're doing better. I'm excited to see you posting content again, even if it's just this. I know it's much easier for me to write this than for it to become real, but you don't have to feel bad about going through a tough time. I truly hope you continue to feel better, but don't beat yourself up if you don't. Please focus on yourself and what you need before worrying about us.
I'm so glad that you are doing well enough to give us an update. That takes a lot of motivation, courage and honesty. I'm also glad you want to come back and I am not going anywhere. It is good for me to exercise my patience.
I can relate to all those feelings, depression is so rough! Also imo I joined your Patreon not for the extra perks or “in exchange” for videos, but because I want to support you and your work! I know setting this up might be too much effort right now, but I would be interested in something like a “hiatus tier” that continues to fund you whenever you need to take a break. And so you can focus on what you need, without the weight of expectation every month.
This
We're here not because we want something from you but because we want to support you. If in July all you want to do is say Hi then that's ok. 🧡
This!
You’ve been a longtime inspiration for me. I also suffer with depression and balancing medication. It’s tough. Take your time. You’ll come back when you’re ready and I’ll be here waiting.
Rooting for you, Zach! One tiny step at a time. Love, T
Please take all the time you need and don't be sorry. We all understand ❤️❤️ but like florentine asks, is there a possibility to support you somehow if not through patreon? Being a contract worker is hard as shit, especially when you get sick in any way and it makes the whole thing harder because one doesn't have any income.
Your videos helped me a lot at one of my lowest points, and I hope things keep going up from here for you ♥️ sending lots of good vibes
Thank you for taking the time and energy to let us know, I hope you continue to get better and better 🤞 I also agree with the others, take all the time you need
We are here whenever you need us.
I'm glad the medication combo you are on is helping! And in the meantime I agree with everyone saying take the time you need.
Take all the time you need. Þying to find the right combination of medication can be a nightmare. You look after you (and your beautiful family) and come back when you are ready. I've have a "watch all" playlist of your videos going while I sew my daughter's dance costumes. Your voice is so comforting especially while I'm ripping out stitches for the billionth time!
Hey Angela I want to say that reading your post here actually really helps me... Thank you. I have been depressed for the first time in my life over the last few months, and knowing someone I really care about (You ❤️), who doesn't know me lol but has inspired me so much over the last couple years, who has given me the courage to share my own projects now, knowing that you experience something really really hard that I have been going through warms my heart because I don't feel so lonely and I am hoping you see how you've been helpful by sharing this with us. I will continue to support you and will be happy to see your next accomplishments, but there is no need to have them when the priority is for you to feel like yourself again! Many hugs, you deserve them! Valerie
Depression is a lukewarm version of hell. Take care of yourself, Valerie, and celebrate the tiniest of wins! You can make it through. Love, T.
Breathing in and out is all I want you to accomplish. Everything after that is sequins, pearls, and beads. You have a long life in which to sew. Focusing on your health is an important foundation for your life. Hugs!!!
I'm glad you're starting to come back out of the darkness. It's so hard. Just take one step at a time. I'm so happy to hear you've got good support, take the time you need. You don't owe the world anything.
Sorry for all you've been through. Best of luck to you, your dogs and your family
I’m happy you’re finding yourself again. I know how hard it is to take care of one’s mental health, and how hard it is when you are actively doing things to improve your mental health and nothing works. Take all the time you need. A healthy Angela who doesn’t post is better than an unwell Angela who is struggling. Best to you and your dogs, and I hope the last half of this year is kinder to you
I'm sorry you were in such a bad place and I'm really glad you can see the light again. I've been there before too. I get it. I hope you get to sew something fun this summer, even if it's just for you and you don't film it. I'll be here if/when you want to start patreon stuff again. <3
Been there, done that, still wearing the dirty tee-shirt! :) As folx have said here, take your time - creativity and talent like yours will resurface in some way at some point. I look forward to it!
We love you Angela, take care of yourself🥰 well be here cheering you on!
I am so so glad to hear from you and I am so so glad to hear that you are starting to see some positive changes. I know intimately the stress of new medications, depression, the mental health care system, etc. It is not fun. I am rooting for you! Sending positive vibes!
Don't worry about us or how you think we're doing, Angela! You take care of yourself as best as you can even if it's the little essential things in life. We'll always be waiting for you when you're ready.💖
Im glad you are okay and have support. It's hard when things dip so bad. Enjoy painting your nails and hot showers and know that you continue to support others in hard times too. I rewatch your old vlogs and videos for my anxiety because you are just that calming and soothing. I love that we can support each other in different ways. Enjoy a better July!
I admit i was wondering and worried for you. And I'm glad you are doing better also, your hole might actually be spiral stairs like the fancy ones. I recommend a project based on one of your Florence figures as a welcome back project.
❤️
Thanks for taking the time to write this update. I wish you all the best in trying to become yourself again as you would like to be. I wish there was an place for one time donations. As an European i think everyone deserves paid sick days. It's so hard to have to worry about money when your mental health is already at rock bottom. I cannot find a way here? Are there other ways to support you than patreon?
Trying to think of what to say beyond take your time. It sounds so cliche. While I haven't been through everything you have, I do know what it's like to not even have the energy to be bothered with even basic self care as my depression spiralled that badly last year. I'm glad you have support and that things are starting to be better.
I really appreciate you taking the time for us, honestly thanks for keeping us in the loop even though you definitely don’t have to 💗 we love you