a very long (long overdue!) update & year in review
Hello everyone! Look, a sign of life!
To start this off, I just want to give a huge thank you to anyone who has stuck around. I did not expect that at all. Today was my first time looking at numbers in over a year and that was a welcome surprise.
I have skipped every month I've been gone, so no one has been charged, but still, it means a lot that you haven’t given up and canceled. I probably would have if the roles were reversed, honestly.
In my last post, I talked about the fact things got really bad this time last year mentally, to the point where existing was my primary focus and took all my energy and I just ignored everything else.
That included sewing, self-care, friends, work, uhh, pretty much everything really. Patreon was no exception to this.
But things have improved a lot since then and yet I still haven't posted since June, because even when things got a bit better, I ignored anything I couldn't bring myself to deal with, and that included email.
I would go weeks without so much as visiting Gmail. Because obligations scare me and there is evidence there of the people I've let down, and I couldn't deal with feeling guilty on top of everything else, too.
It wasn't just that–I was afraid of seeing opportunities I didn't have the energy to take pass by–yet I was also afraid maybe there wouldn't be any opportunities at all.
I was afraid of seeing nice things that I didn't have the energy to reply to (or feel worthy of getting in the first place) despite them being deserving of that and more.
My mantra was, ‘If you can't handle this, don't. At least you're still here.’ But at some point, you have to raise the bar, you know?
And yet, the longer I put it off, the more it built up in my inbox and in my head, and the more afraid I was to address it, and the harder I ignored it, and here we are, almost a year later.
I was just stupefied looking through my email over these past few days. I kept clicking on comment notifications from Patreon expecting nothing but anger over disappearing, but no, they were all so incredibly sweet and thoughtful that I quite literally burst into tears.
The fact people were still commenting and showing support in any way despite my absence is a type of kindness that says so much about how wonderful each and every one of you are. I was late reading them, but truly, they mean the world and I'm very very grateful.
I'm sorry I did not give you an update sooner, it was much easier to just tell myself people didn't care while ignoring it, and I was on enough mood stabilizers to not care about much at all. It wasn't until I went off those that anxiety and responsibility became things that registered again, and it wasn't until now that I felt capable of actually tackling them.
Excuses aside: Thank you so, so, much if you've stuck around or left a comment. It is so beyond what I expected and thoughtful and really does mean the world to me. They have not gone unappreciated, I swear.
In my last update, I described how a few things collided and I ended up losing what little momentum I had left when it came to work and life, basically. The end of February was really bad (a psych ward is an option type bad), and thankfully things have not gotten remotely close to that again in the year that has followed, but they haven't been all that good, either.
This is probably also why I ignored things to the best of my ability for so long. Because like I said in my last post, I hate saying, ‘things will be better next month!' Which has been my mantra for years at this point and has proven to be utter shit. I was tired of it and I'm sure you guys were too. I didn't want to come back just to break more promises.
June showed a lot of promise in terms of improvements, but then they just disappeared a couple weeks later. We upped the mood stabilizers to try and level things out, which they did, but I never got back to that high point that June was. Instead, they've kept me stable but pretty damn depressed.
It was a sort of depression that left me nonfunctional in the most frustrating of ways. I wasn't sad. Just like, malfunctioning. Everything other than sleeping felt like so much effort that I was skipping meals and living with hangnails because I couldn't be bothered to clip them. Like desperately trying to get every second I could to do nothing at all.
I went like four months without making a single Amazon purchase, which sounds like a silly indicator of mental health, I know, but before last year when I've been down, I've tried to fill that void with something. Food, shiny things, fabric, etc...but at that point, I didn't want anything, there wasn't anything that would make it better nor did I want to do anything at all.
It did get better than that and it has been for months, but I haven't been playing video games or watching tv all day or doing traditional fun things. I wasn't doing much of anything, since my attention span was annoyingly sporadic, it made reading and staying on task almost impossible. In the past few months, I've finally had energy but literally zero motivation or ability to focus it towards something.
It was such a strange feeling because I wanted myself to want to do things, but I didn't want to do them?
And I know, I know, most people have to suck it up and do them anyway, and maybe if my circumstances were different I would have, but in mine I couldn't.
I suppose like, say–you love to cook, but now your tastebuds aren't working and you're nauseous and food has no appeal at all and you've forgotten how to chop things.
You might be able to go through the motions of that, but what about seasoning? Knowing something is missing based on experience or fixing a poor texture because you know the cause of it.
It was sort of like that with anything to do with sewing, if that makes any sense? I didn't even want to be doing it, because of all those reasons, but I really wish I did, because I knew at some point I did love it.
But my ability to focus was sort of like'¦the ability to remember things. You don't really get to pick and choose what sticks and what doesn't, and you can't force yourself to remember something that you've long since forgotten.
I feel like creatively that is something you can't force, either.
I've been sewing over these last few days and have ideas for fabrics I've had draped on dress forms for months. I've had design problems that I found solutions for the next day and fixed. It's a sort of brain function that I could not find or force. It was just gone.
I'm not sure if that was because of the mood stabilizers, or covid, or depression but switching to treating the latter has offered some much better results over the last couple of weeks.
For the first time in a literal year, I have ideas! Not like, things I half-heartedly poke at based on a dress I saw on Pinterest which is pretty but I have no motivation to make and my brain won't give me what I need to even try.
It sounds dumb, but this is a huge change. Like numerous ideas I want to make a reality is huge, and I have the energy to do things, not like, a lot of things. But it's something.
I'm excited about buying fabric again, too, (true story, I made ZERO jo-anns purchases in the last year. I might be the reason they are going bankrupt) whereas before pretty fabrics were about as fun to browse as types of toilet paper.
I really hope this mental state sticks around for a while.
And I hope I do in fact actually make things, and even videos, because for better or worse a lot of my identity, social circle, and self-worth is tied to that so having it be completely absent from my life for a year has been…rough.
Even before everything fell apart I was discouraged, and the trend for everything had been downward for a really long time. It is hard to keep going when every statistic shows things performing worse with each month and year that passes.
(Both analytics for my personal stuff, content, and like'¦politics, economics, globally, etc.)
It was really hard for me to cheerfully keep going because it felt like I was going downhill no matter what I did. I think people could tell, which made the drop off faster, so it becomes an inescapable self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.
Body image issues were a problem, too. Looking at myself while editing footage was not a self-esteem booster (quite the opposite) and I wasn't happy with things I was making, in part, because of how they looked on me. I think that unintentionally contributed to a lot of abandoned projects when in their end stages.
So I think some sort of downfall was inevitable, it was just a series of events last year that gave it the tiny little push it needed to topple.
I'm not sure if the aforementioned things will be better given the time away, and who knows if I have any chances with the algorithm gods now after my disappearance. But hey, if I post something and it flops hard, I'm pretty sure I'll just be happy to finally post something. The bar is so low right now.
(But also I feel stupidly pressured for whatever I make public to be "good" regardless of where the bar is. Sigh.)
Okay. A lot of words. So. What now? What does this mean for patreon? I don't know.
The copy is all out of date and I couldn't keep up with mailable rewards, so some things will definitely change, but not yet.
I just want to get back to making things before I make promises. For now, I'm skipping March/April, the next possible billing cycle would be in May if I manage to hold up my end of the promises. If I can make videos, presumably I can also post about of any changes in advance of billing. But that all feels very far away right now, so we'll see how it goes.
Now, presenting, a year in review from the very meager photos I took in 2023~! I think my lack of motivation to exist shows in my camera roll, honestly, I barely took any pictures.
January 2023:
I was actually working on a bunch of stuff, a red chemise I scrapped, and a silver/red renaissance gown of sorts I still have hanging up. I think it needs a hem...and I'm not sure what else.
As it was a new year I was thinking about changes and realizing I should focus less on historical accuracy or defining myself by that goal and go outside the lines of what I'd done before. My dragon dress from the previous year was my favorite project ever and I wanted to do more things like that.
I think this would help body image issues with costuming, too, because you aren't striving for a silhouette, you are just making something pretty which has always been my favorite part.
I also spent a weekend in NYC too, and got like...four ear piercings? And some fabric! I did film an 'all the fabric I bought in 2023' video so maybe I will be brave enough to edit that at some point.
February 2023:
I was considering making a costume from WoW and sculpted these dragon-y pauldrons, which I'm actually still pretty proud of (just realized I have a bunch of footage of making them too, did not remember that). I have fabric to make a dress to go with them (see above) so we'll see if that ends up happening.
March 2023:
This was the reallllllyyy rough month. I was basically existing on the high of Ikea deliveries and because of my dogs and nothing else.
This was ‘distract myself by redoing my sewing room' month which turned into like…6 months of it being a disaster zone. I filmed some of that too, I think. But it was a long time ago.
I finally went off that medication from hell. One of the side effects was nausea, and the only thing I wanted to eat were cheerios. I only now realized they were gluten-free' in a way that causes a lot of people who can't eat gluten to have flare-ups. So I think this contributed to a lot of supposed side effects since they were like all I was eating at that point and I have celiac disease (a gluten allergy).
(It is a bumble bee on one side and flowers on the other, 'bee's knees')
I made some cool jellyfish lamps for the sewing room, too.
I was still trying at this point, at least a little bit. "I can get back on track if I fake it for a while," uh huh, sure sweetie.
April 2023:
This was when I 'temporarily' closed Etsy I think (?) it is still closed, fyi. It sounds so stupid but fulfilling a single order was just…incomprehensible to me. I think because it reminded me of what I wasn't doing, my brain just ignored it in a way that is unacceptable for a shop owner.
In March I felt awful but was hopeful, I made PLANS and in April I canceled them. I just wanted to sulk, I was so tired. I only took photos of my dogs.
But this was also the month I got back on private social media, an unrelated Tumblr and Discord where no one followed me and there were zero expectations and I think that helped? Because it was just for me.
I have literally never had a social media profile that isn't under my name and is capable of being viewed by my grandmother. I had never reblogged a meme on Tumblr. I've never had any profile without the goal of garnering a following, not since my very early WordPress days. So it was silly but refreshing.
I also started writing a lot. A lot. Over a million words. Like 2000 pages worth of words. That was my creative outlet when my brain was empty of any inspiration related to sewing or visual arts.
I think it was very cathartic because you can create your own worlds and control what is happening in them, which I could not do in my own reality. Writing isn't impacted by what I look like, it does not require fittings, and there was no reference photo to compare it to.
I'm glad I had it because otherwise, my brain might have actually turned to mush.
Also, this month I did my taxes, lost health insurance, and had my first cold since the pandemic started. Which lasted three weeks (awesome).
May + June 2023:
This was when my mental health 'peaked' a bit and I started FINALLY working on my sewing room. I went through all my thread/buttons/notions/fabric/costumes and downsized a lot.
My goal was to have a sewing space where everything could be put away, which shouldn't be a big ask but was absolutely impossible in its previous orientation and made it very frustrating to work in there. These changes were long overdue.
(This is the before!)
July + August + September 2023:
Look at that sad, sad, camera roll.
I also got COVID in August! My first time getting it. It was not fun. I got it from my dad and we all ended up sick with it, I didn't need medical intervention but it was very unpleasant for a solid week, and for almost a month I frequently woke myself up from coughing so much. The fatigue and brain fog lasted for a lot longer, too.
Also, fun fact: post-COVID hair loss is a thing and I had it! Which did not help with the self-esteem issues, let me tell you that.
I couldn't even touch my hair really without it coming out, much less style it. It wasn't to the point of bald spots, just extreme shedding but it did nothing for my self-confidence and further put off dyeing it.
For a while there my bangs were fully brown, 3'-4' of roots grown out.
I think this is when my sewing room FINALLY became functional but it was very stressful trying to get it to that state.
October 2023:
This month was hard because I TRIED. It was the first month where I really, really, tried. I had orange fabric pulled out, and I spent hours and days sourcing references and trying to find something that appealed to me enough to get up and try to make it.
I played around with draping for hours too.
There was just…nothing. Which was a real pity. I think it was what I expected and that was why I had been afraid to make any solid attempts at getting back to sewing before this. You can't fail if you don't try, you know? Which doesn't mean you shouldn't try. But it was super discouraging.
(I think my fatigue/cough/brain fog from covid was still present too, but not the only issue.)
Posie and I had matching pajamas though, so that was something. And obviously, I painted my nails so I was doing okay-ish!
November 2023:
Pretty sunset + puppy. No other pictures, so have a Minnie update:
She is still a terror but she has calmed enough that she is no longer crated in my sewing room or at night. She has learned how to go beneath the covers and the wonders of a heated blanket which is a big behavior change.
She has caught and killed a rabbit and two birds along with a plethora of moles/voles and such. That's my girl.
I also wanted to say that during this time, like the entire past year, I did a lot of research. I didn't have the focus to read books, or watch TV, but I read a lot of academic articles and probably several thousand of wikipedia pages for fairy tales, mythology, and history. The ability to skip to sections and how one page led to the next really suited my brain's scattered state.
I was still writing too. So I wasn't just a lump on the sofa. But I was for parts of this year, because my medications largely weren't working so I was upping and lowering doses and suffering a lot of side effects and fatigue. Time passed weirdly and it was easy to sleep away what amounted to days.
Anyway, I do hope some of what I read and learned can motivate me in the future, it would make this year feel less like a total loss.
(My gap year spent traveling wikipedia' of sorts.)
December 2023:
This was another month I really tried. I ordered some fabric, and I was excited about fabric, but nothing creatively came to me, which really sucked.
(The fabric.)
But I feel like I got back into the swing of things a little bit, though? I was more on top of laundry, self-care, painting nails, and stuff. I finally did my hair, because it had stopped falling out, and I felt a lot more like myself.
Christmas cheer was really lacking in my entire family though, for the first time in my life we didn't put up the big tree. I ended up setting up a little one on Christmas Eve. Please note the Minecraft axolotl ornament, the best purchase of the year, that is.
(Maybe a fitting end, really?)
January 2024:
Ok. New year! I wanted this to mean new me, too, but it really didn't.
I did however buy fabric that inspired me (which was progress) this is the same fabric used for my Dragon dress but in pastels, actually.
Annnnd I ended/started the year off with dyshidrotic eczema. Ugly, painful, itchy, blisters, allll over my hands which made sewing impossible. I swear to god my body hates me. I haven't had this problem in…six years, maybe? So for it to pop up when I wanted to get back to filming was an insult to injury sort of situation.
February 2024:
This is the month I went off lithium (I started it in April 2023, I think?). I also went through my reference books and pulled out a lot of things I liked. I had sort of vague ideas but not the energy to even consider how to make them, if that makes sense? I cannot tell you how frustrated I was by this.
To have everything you need around you is such a privilege and feeling unable to do nothing with It feels so stupid. But that doesn't change the reality of it, or it didn't for me.
But clearly I was feeling well enough to try and fill the void with THINGS again which is...good? That shows a will to live, right?
Anyway look at how cute Posie is in her Valentines day sweater!
March 2024:
We have progress! Finally! I swear it was like a light switch. One day I just had ideas again. It was the weirdest thing.
AND thanks to the current cocktail: I have the energy to consider how to make those ideas a reality, which is huge.
It has been slow going because I feel slow after not sewing for a year. I think lingering brain fog from whatever source does not help at all. But I'm trying.
I've ordered fabric, and I'm working on two chemises to go under dresses.
(the chemises are on the right, the other two are final touches I finally made the effort to put up.)
They are sort of medieval fantasy mash-ups with a lot of texture. Inspiration and fabric options can be seen below.
What I'm most excited about is the idea of a mermaid dress, but it's upside down, so the fins flow over the shoulders and the body of the dress is scaled. I have some but not all of the fabrics for it, but they have been ordered...
I also want to do riding habits...for riding mythical creatures. I feel like that would be neat, like in a world where unicorns, griffins, or dragons were a thing, what would women wear? It is a fun idea to play with, I think. So I ordered some scaly fabrics for that, too.
I had planned on sharing all of that in a video, truly'”and maybe I still will, because this post has gotten too long for me to share it all now.
The reason this is being written and not filmed is because…
Guess who is sick again? God it is so annoying to be making progress only to end up exhausted with a sore throat and stuffy nose, again. My allergies were so bad they turned into a sinus infection. I sound terrible and between the throat and congestion and don't want to 'œcome back' like that. I'm not sure I even could, talking has been minimal this week.
But I think the fact that even when sick and mildly delirious on cold medication I was capable of putting this beast of a post together. It has to bode well, right?
So there is a big ol' update for you, old-fashioned blog style.
As for where I am now…
I have ideas. And fabric. And energy (sometimes). And that is more than I've had in a while. If it amounts to anything I will share it with you guys.
I am glad to still be here. And glad to have you guys here. Thank you again for that and I sincerely hope I will have more to say soon <3
Thanks for reading, too!
-Angela
Comments (68)
❤️🦄❤️ Missed you! So glad to see your beautiful designs and sweet dogs
I am always grateful for how willing you are to share your mental health story. I think this side of being a creative is something people tend to downplay online, because of the common misinterpretation of apathy, depression and creative blocks as "laziness" when looking in from the outside. It is always so refreshing and validating to hear about the realities of your mental health in a way that resonates with my own experiences. As for being surprised at the number of people still supporting you: you have done so much incredible work with skills that are awe-inspiring to see. You have put out an unbelievable amount of content for us throughout your long career online, all while being a positive presence in the creative community. You have earned a significant amount of goodwill with this community, and I know that I will always be excited to see what you are doing next, even if that is getting healthy and focussing on yourself!
You couldn’t let me down if you tried, Angie. Glad to hear that things are trucking along well enough for now 😌
Thank you for opening up to us about all this. I am staying here because every bit of content you release inspires me a lot and I really enjoy how you explain things and how you presented them to us. I really hope that you will get better and better and find more and more motivation for the things you love. Do not stress about making content or anything, your health and well being is the most important thing and you are so worth feeling better and taking care of yourself. I rather have you feel good and enjoy your life than making content at all. <3
Thank you for sharing your struggles. It is a very brave thing to do. It's also okay to change your creative outlet. I started following you because I like sewing, but I'm still here because of who you are. Just like my daughter was excited to buy a cook book from one of her favorite music artists, I will be excited for anything you do no matter how long that takes. ❤️
You‘re one of the creators I‘d never abandon. I‘m not a supporter because I want something in return - I just want to show a bit of appreciation. Mental health is important.. and if just the thought of emails stresses you.. that‘s okay. I‘ve been there. Heck, I‘m still there a lot of the times. I haven‘t made a video since January and my camera is mocking me. 🤣
i'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it, but i'm glad you're doing better. ❤❤❤❤
a week later and i've caught myself thinking this several times in relation to this post - it sounds like you are experiencing burnout. so please take it easy on yourself and don't push yourself. burnout can be hard to recover from. ❤❤❤❤
I’m late to the post, but happy to hear from you regardless of the circumstances. You have been missed.
Thank you for the raw and honest discussion of mental health. I'm also struggling with mental health issues and have been feeling bad about not sewing as much. It really helps to know that the people I look up to have these kinds of struggles too.
So glad to see you doing better! You've been in my thoughts every month when I get my patreon receipt. This was such a brave post; Im so impressed with the strength Im sure it must have taken. I know from experience how hard it is to come back from a very long depressive episode--just know that you're doing great and progress isn't always linear. You may have bad days again, but always remember that tomorrow is a new day and we can always try again in the morning. <3
Thanks so much for letting us know you're okay. Please do what feels good and don't worry about what we expect. I'll be here either way.
Like almost everyone here, every time I thought of you, all I really wanted to know was that you were ok. While I'm so sad to hear how hard the year has been for you, I'm encouraged that you seem to be seeing some glimmers of light. No matter what content you produce - if any! - we're here to support you & remind you that you are cared for and seen. Your creativity is a gift to us all, and if it takes a bit longer for you to feel the good feels again, well. We'll still be here. :)
Don't worry about posting anything crazy. Most of us have been here since the text videos and they were great. That's the bar, and that's it. You are doing amazing. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough rough go of it. I'm so proud of you for being so open. We are just happy you're doing more okay.
Your sewing room looks amazing, you can see all of the effort you put into it! Proud of you in many ways 💝
It has been worth the wait just to see this update! I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and still are. I believe everyone has the potential for healing and we only had to be patient, a small thing, really, in order to witness the gifts of your imagination once again. Take care! You are an inspiration, because you certainly are not alone. 🩷
TOTALLY get it!! 100% We'll be here another year if necessary - NO WORRIES 😘 Just remember when trying to make any sense of any of it...you're your worst enemy...so just work around that and you'll be good as new 🥰💝💐
So glad to hear from you! I hope everything continues on an up trend!
You and Rachel Maksy are two creators I could never abandon on here. Especially because i know how lonely depression can make you feel. Take your time, depression is hard. I was where you were for month in 2022. I would literally sleep the days away, stopped eating, stopped doing basic human things like showering regularly. The most I could do was get up to feed the cat and clean her litter box. I thought it would never end unless...and that unless almost happened. It scared me senseless. Two years later I'm not completely better or "normal" BUT I feel human again. I can function and my creativity is back. I guess I said that to say this: It can't rain all the time, love. Do what you can, when you can for YOU. We'll still be here cheering for you.
Angela - I’ve been following you for seemingly forever. After I found you, I backtracked and caught up on your first videos and posts. You are intrinsically interesting and enjoyable to know. You don’t have to “perform” in any way to have us like you. We like you as you are, even when it’s a whole video of your pony or doll figurines. I hope you keep finding things you like. The hardest part of growing up is learning that life doesn’t follow a straightforward plan. Instead it is a meandering, looping journey. For whichever parts of your journey you decide to share, I’ll be along for the ride. Mental health illnesses s*#k and the journey to find effective treatments can feel like they are stealing years of your life. But no one expects you to live on a certain timeline. Your experiences will take as long as they need to. Stay curious and be gentle with yourself. You are appreciated and valued just because you are Angela.
So great to hear from you! I’m happy to hear things are moving up. Hoping the trend can continue and we’ll be here when you’re ready!
Oh Angela!! 🩷🩷🩷 You are a brave, strong, competent soul. The fact that you shared all of that with us is proof. Thank you for being exactly the person that you are. This world needs your beautiful soul! Keep taking care of you. We are here.
Thank you for the update. I'm glad you're feeling more like yourself. Whatever and whenever you feel like posting/ sharing, I'll be here for you.
I've been thinking about you off and on this past year, and I'm so glad to hear you're beginning to feel better! Hoping the trend continues for you and you can continue to find joy in all the old things that used to bring happiness. Mental illnesses can be so so debilitating, I'm glad you're making it out the other side of this difficult episode.
Glad for the update. Happy to hear it is getting better. Brain chemistry sucks and finding the right chemicals is difficult but I’m grateful you persevered. I enjoy your posts, videos and crafts. I admire creativity and love the dragon pauldrens. I love the idea of mythical beast riding habits. Feel better soon and here is to a healthier spring/summer.
I was thinking (worrying) about you just the other day, so it's so great to hear from you and that things are starting to improve. Mental health recovery isn't usually a straight line from 'bad' to 'good', there are so many ups and downs that feel exhausting and demoralising. But it sounds like you are getting there, slowly but surely. And for that, I'm so pleased for you. I've had similar experiences with my mental health, but also just recovering from long covid after two years. That demoralising feeling of thinking next month will be better, and it's not, despite willing it so hard, is an absolute killer! Just take you time. If your putting one foot in front of the other, and facing each new day, your doing great. We'll be there to celebrate with you when the bar gets higher, but will still celebrate the small wins too xxx
I don’t have any good words to express my feelings reading this… I relate to some and can only imagine others. Your perseverance in the face of the last year is truely inspiring and I hope you can be proud of how far you’ve come and how brave you’ve been ❤️
It's so good to hear from you! Depression is a beast, and I absolutely relate to the aversion towards opening email and any obligations when even the most objectively simple things like showering and eating feel insurmountable. These fantasy costumes sound really exciting; I hope they help you reconnect with your creativity and sewing (not because, as a patron, I *expect* more sewing videos, but because I know first-hand how detached and remote from your sense of self it feels to lose that connection to such an important creative outlet). Also if you're still looking for a foundation, you could try looking at UK brands. I'm not sure what shipping is like to the US, but I really like Lily Lolo - I'm Scottish and even in the winter I wear their third-lightest foundation.
I opened your post immediately, first thing when I woke up and saw your name pop up in my inbox! So so so glad to hear from you and what has been going on, not that I was waiting for something, but when it came it felt good!! Depression is a motherfucker and I want to insist on the fact that you have been a huge source of inspiration for me, no matter what, you are so worth it, I am not surprised so many of us just stayed on your Patreon and we will for years and years to come!
One thing I’ll add is one of my favorite project of yours is the Easter dress you made one year with delightful pastel fabric and an outlined rabbit pattern, literally every Easter I think of it! Happy Easter, and happy upcoming birthday to you! <3
I am glad you are okay. I was getting worried that something had happened to you. I hope you continue to have an upward trend in life and look forward to seeing what you make. Every-time I buy a Tokidoki unicorno I think of you.
I've been there with the treatment resistant depression, but fortunately we finally found a medication combination that works for me. I'm glad you're feeling more human on your current regimen, and I'll be happy to see you posting again if you feel up to it. But if it feels like too much to come back as strongly as you think you should, take it easy. Your mind still might need to heal and rest. I'm so proud of you for sticking out such a long time of medication not helping! I'm thinking of you, and I'm wishing you a steady incline of both mental and physical health.
I literally dreamt about you posting and then I woke up to this, so weird. Anyways I'm thrilled to see an update from you! While my personal depression symptoms are mild, my anxiety ones are not. The other day I became convinced every can of cat food in my house was poison and refused to give it to my cats, despite having given them some the day before, I made them people dinner instead consisting of eggs and chicken. I also got stuck in a loop of checking that the stove was off that the doors were locked, and that the smoke detectors were working. I kept intentionally setting the smoke detectors off because what if in the last 2 minutes they didn't work anymore??? And what if I didn't actually lock the doors and now someone's in the house??? And what if I didn't really turn the stove off and it's slowly leaking gas??? I got stuck in this loop for about an hour before I could break it. I understand mental health, I empathize completely, it can be so incredibly tortuous. I hope you read this and bear in mind that your brain is an organ too. You kept saying things like "I should be able to" or "It seems silly that I can't" ect, but what if instead of depression you'd had a heart attack? Would you be saying "Well my heart should have been able to handle it"? Probably not. Your brain is an organ just like your heart, and it can malfunction. Some people are born with leaky heart valves that give them arrhythmias, and some people are born with brains that can't make or retain vital chemicals. That doesn't make it less of a medical problem, just because it's technically all in your head. I hope you can remember that and be kind to yourself. But also it's good to give yourself a gentle push from time to time, slowly raise the bar at a rate you're comfortable with, and hopefully that progress will feel good. I'm glad to hear from you and hope things continue upward ❤️
Oh Angela, i am truly happy having some news. Please take your time, do things in your own time and do note feel guilty at all. You need time to recover because 2023 has been a terrible year for lots of people. I send courage and self-love.
So good to hear from you 💕 I'm so glad you are here. I know the feeling of having everything there to sew but having no drive to actual so it. Despite desperately wanting to. I'm glad Posie and Minnie are there with you. Ill still be here if you do want to post but if not, there is no pressure. 💙 Sending love
It’s so good to hear from you. I know mental health is a bitch and I’m glad you’re doing better. Whenever and if you’re ready to make videos again I’ll be here to watch them. Sending loads of love!
Even though we don't 'know' each other in the traditional sense, I truly am here as a friend, and that means no expectations of your worth or productivity. The only thing I ever wanted to gain by being a patron was a feeling of contributing to you, Angela the person. Not sewing content, or a certain level of "production quality" or anything else from you at all. Selfishly, a video from you about any topic is something I do hope for, but only for the chance to see you and catch up, like old friends who live far away from each other finally getting that coffee date in person. I have no (real-life 😅) friends who live near me and completely understand how frustrating it is to be missing that feeling of motivation from your social circle to do literally anything. I know everybody else on here who follows and supports you loves you for personal and specific reasons (and yes, you are worthy of our love, whether you think so or not), and you've helped people without realising it for years (I personally wouldn't know how to sew if it weren't for you, and that has been a massive game-changer for my own mental health over these last few years). So, just know we'll all still be here for whenever you feel like touching base, and that can take as long as you need 🧡
Thanks for sharing! I wish you well ❤️
I'm very happy hearing from you. I've regularly been thinking of you, hoping you're getting better ❤️ depression is a horrible beast to battle, so I'm very happy you had the energy to make this post. Take your time to get better 😊😊
It is so good to read this post from you ♡ I remember being a Teenager and young adult, reading your Blogposts in the evening and eating up every Word of it. By that point, I was Cosplaying for a while, but while I was good making into reality something someone else came up with, I was never felt a drive to come up with something completely on my own. Your projects gave me so many visions, so many ideas, a love for textures and glitter and beads that 2 D Animation was not able to provide me with. I also feel that most of your projects are absolutely timeless, and I love going back to them. To note on the subject of Social Media, I think most Nerds our age know your feelings, at least in part. When we were teenagers, we were more or less the first to make the Internet a place of our own. Needs of all colour were presenting their weird stuff and loving finding other people who enjoy the same things. The Internet change so much since then (and we did too), and some of the community we built is slowly fading away, and the young lings, they really want to have fun on their own and not hang with the old aunty's. What I want to say, it is so crucial to try to not take numbers personal. Don't fall for the myth that if you only work hard enough, you will grown endlessly, and if your numbers are declining, you must not be working hard enough. Be gentle and kind to yourself like you would be to any friend of yours ♡
Thank you for your openness and sharing your story. Many people don’t know what severe depression looks like. It’s far from sad. I’ve toyed with the skirts of deep depression myself. If you have ever considered ECT I can vouch for its efficacy. Not as a patient but as a health care worker. Whatever works for you. I wish you well and will be here should you choose to return.
Just so happy to hear from you! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you, but just know your followers really do care about you and we celebrate with you any of your milestones, however small or grand they may be. Welcome back Angela!
Darling girl. We are your sisters, your mothers, your grandmothers, your friends. We aren’t leaving.
Yay to Angela! I feel so connected to what you are saying, as I have struggled with mental health issues and depression a lot myself. I hear you when you say it was like a light switch had gone off: for me it happened while I was at a gas station waiting while my mom went in to pay... all of a sudden my brain started working again, and I remember looking at the sun and thinking what a beautiful day it was. Stay strong!
Hi!!!!!! 👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋 I'll still be here if you need another year or five. I feel all warm inside learning of your extensive writing. As someone whose identity is tied up in that craft but at the same time caught in a years long block I feel so inspired to hear that it helps you. I turned to sewing when writing failed me and that has been very rewarding. It might take eons, but we'll be back! *sinks into molten steel*
Good to hear from you. I’m not going anywhere. 🌈🌈🦋🦋
So wonderful to hear from you. Please don't feel obligated to make content before you're ready - everyone here is a patron because we admire you and want to support you, and care a lot more about you doing what's best for your wellbeing and health than producing videos. Your older videos bring a lot of joy still and that isn't going to change. <3
I can't tell you how excited I was when I woke up from a nap and saw the Patreon notification. I don't think I've ever jumped out of bed that fast lol. I don't think I ever considered cancelling mostly because you've been such an inspiration and even if you weren't posting new work, I can still watch the old work (right down to the cooking videos). I know your videos aren't instructional in nature, but I have learned so much about techniques and patterning from you, so thank you for being an inspiration and just a joy to listen to while I work. I'm sure all of us agree when I say Welcome Back! Happy Birthday! (it's around easter yeah?) and Happy Easter! And we are so glad you are doing better and feeling better and it's good to see the pups too!
It's great to hear from you! I totally understand the frustration that comes with trying different medications-sometimes you'll feel better for a little bit, then get worse, or just feel like there's a disconnect between pieces of yourself. I know this sounds cheesy but I'm proud of you for trying your best to tackle your depression. Even just taking your medication is a sign that you're fighting to get better, or just be alive. Finally realizing that you want things again is a huge step and I'm so happy for you. I hope you don't feel any pressure to make a certain type of content. The internet has become a strange and hostile place but there are people out there who will truly enjoy whatever you decide to make. No time limits, no restrictions; just do you!
I'm so excited to hear from you again!! We're all still here, chilling parasocially, waiting for your chrysalis to break open again! I guess most of the first commenters here are Aussies lol. I was checking back in every so often to see if your brain let you have a morsel of energy, so it's really awesome that you're feeling inspired again! You had a gotdam JOURNEY to get through in 2023, well done!! Because of your new direction (the fantasy outfits, omg to die for) I've been inspired by you and spent the last year building myself a pattern shop on Etsy, currently cosplay patterns, but I also want to produce pretty mythical and fairytale inspired patterns - it's just so fun to make something beautiful, with little details to handsew for hours, and watch the project slowly come together! We're all here for the long term, and clearly none of us mind a big pause. We're here for *you*, more than your production rate, and we love a good text post. ♥ Also, I am struggling with body issues as well - I can't return to old projects because my waistline is 6" bigger than when I started them, and I got muscly everywhere else from pole dance and swordfighting (HEMA), so I've had to reframe the strict silhouette concept that the costuming community holds so close right now to be able to be creative for myself again. Despite the body changes I'm going through, my sewing absolutely benefited from the weird as fuck sports I've been committing to for the past 3 years, because my brain was headed somewhere bad without them beforehand. It takes a long time to crawl back from somewhere that dark, so even if this post isn't followed up by another for a month or so, we get it! xx As part of my business I had to restructure my own Patreon and Etsy patterns to remove physical rewards and personalised gifts entirely - I'm just not the kind of person who can keep up with that long-term, and it can easily steal weeks from my life trying to catch up, not to mention the guilt and stress that builds along with it. It has hugely improved everything I do by removing this big thing I held myself accountable for, that didn't need to be there (I made a poll about it and everyone voted for the easy solution). If you decide to do it too, I'm gonna be cheering you on! I downgraded because I felt hypocritical about the postcards - I couldn't have kept it up as long as you did, and while they're gorgeous, I didn't want to be a burden in your monthly task list ;_; I'm really, REALLY excited to see more of your dragon and WoW inspired outfits, and if you make videos/posts about them I'm definitely going to attempt to build something like it myself! The silk ribbon flower Persephone dress still haunts me in the best way possible.... I just want one myself so bad... Anyway, I must return to making BG3 patterns for my lil business (thank you again for being such an inspiration over the years!!) and I'm keen to hear more about your new self (those awesome earrings, adorable tattoos, that Beetlejuice hair) and those beautiful dress/menswear designs in your next update! Sorry not sorry about the essay, this is a year of my smooth brain thoughts I needed to share with you, and hopefully it was a good read :D
I missed you so much! Dang girl, for real. Those tattoos, those piercings! That fabric! That Renaissance dress! Those fabrics again! That freaking progress!! Lithium, uhg! I know! Those damn itchy balls under your skin on your hands are the WORST! I get them from stress and weird cleaning chemicals. That puppy that's not a puppy anymore 😭 that sweet Rosie that's okay again. Covid BLOWS! It's always different when it hits you. Whew. So much more but ADHD makes it impossible to remember every emotional and mental response I had when reading and then writing. We are still here for you, not because we expect anything but you from you, no one is disappointed in you, we just happen to like you.
So glad the new cocktail of meds seems to be helping!
I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE OKAY! Excuse me. I shouldnt yell. Anyway, from this random person on the internet, I still love your older content and while I look forward to any new stuff you may decide to share, dont push yourself to overwhelm for us. The internet isnt going anywhere. Also, the reverse fin dress looks amazing! And the peacock fabric! I may have to break my fabric ban this month...
I have literally just walked in the door when my wifi connected and up popped a patreon notificatication!! Best Easter ever!! I am so glad to hear you are on the upside. I have missed you terribly and never ever considered cancelling. I wanted to be here when YOU were ready to come back!! I can not tell you how much you sharing whats been going on for you mentally means. We are currently in a very scary position with our oldest sons mental health and you sharing you own journey helps understand what he is also going through.. Teenage boys are not very verbose...... I can not wait to see what you have planned and honestly, i dont think we'd mind if it was just a rambley video....... stuff the editing....... Ive missed you. as have many many of us it would seem!!! Much Love and continued healing coming your way from my tiny little corner of Australia. x
Thank you for the update. 💜I am happy to see you took the time you needed for you. You are special and you are the only Angela there is. So you need to take care of you. We will be here if you need support 🫶 I am wishing a good year of healing. I am excited to see your future sewing that you are excited to share with patreon. 😀Welcome back friend!
I am so happy to hear from you again and so pleased that things are improving for you. I hope you have fun getting back into making and dont worry about filming if you don't fill up to it. Taking care of your needs first is most important
I cannot tell you how happy it made me to see you pop up in my patreon notifications ❤️
I'm glad to hear from you. I'm glad you are doing better so far and i hope it continues. I spent this year entertaining myself with old videos. i still come back to the sewing through the decades series which was good fun to watch. You posted the 50's one for us the day I was flying out for Christmas so I watched that one in the air port.
dear angela! i'm sure i speak for a lot of us when i say i'm just glad you're back and are doing better!! i'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this--jeez--but welcome back. you know we've been wondering how you are and wishing you well! much love to you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo
I'm glad to hear you're feeling fresh little waves of good energy--sending positive vibes for more! ♥️ Love the bees knees tattoo btw!
So glad to hear from you and glad to see that you’re improving from what seems to be a lot of difficult issues ❤️ This is such a small thing to comment on but as a fellow pale person I found some luck with Lisa Eldridge’s foundation. It’s a bit pricey but they’ve had the best match to my pink undertone I’ve ever found. Not sure if that’s your issue or if you’ve heard of that brand already but wanted to share 😊
Just glad to hear from you again! And happy to hear you're feeling and doing better; it'll be slow, don't rush it.
I'm so glad to see you beginning to dig yourself out of the hole that is known as depression. I think I signed up to your Patreon because I wanted to see where you'd gone and hoped to see improvements and this post shows that there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and it isn't an oncoming train, this time!) Please remember to thank your parents or whoever has been caring for you during this time, as it must have been difficult for them to see you in that state and not really be able to help much.
I never really comment (lol anxiety) but I just want to say hang in there. I'm really proud of you for trying to keep going. The world kind of sucks, it doesn't really seem like there's any reason to keep going a lot of the time, but you're still here. Take care of yourself and I hope you're able to get back to making things because you feel like you enjoy it ❤️
I was so excited to get this notification! I'm glad you are seeing some improvements. I'm here for the long haul 😊
I’m so happy to see an update! I’m happy you are doing better. This sounds so parasocial, but I nearly cried reading this. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I understand your struggles with seeing yourself on camera so well because I have the same issue. I sew dresses and skirts and I hate the way they look on me. Even my bras don’t fit well anymore. i struggle so much with the fact that the image I have of myself in my head is not reflected in reality. I wish we could all be kinder to ourselves and see the beauty that others see in us. That being said, please, do not push yourself to make content again. I love watching your videos and I often rewatch them. I’ve made several of your dresses from patterns you’ve posted and even tried my hand at redrafting other designs from you. That is to say, you are so inspiring to me as a sewist but I don’t want you to feel burdened by that and feel that you have to make content again. Reading about how those notifications overwhelmed you felt so real to me because that is exactly how I feel 90% of the time. Your videos brought me such peace and I hope that knowing there are people out there who are rooting for you brings you some as well. I really hope that you can protect the peace that you have found and create a better life for yourself, but if creating videos and making content tanks your mental health, I hope you understand that nobody will hold it against you if you leave again. Your art should never feel like a chore, and I’d hate for you to feel like sewing loses its luster for you. I said it before on the last update you made, but i hope you are well. The piercings look amazing by the way, I want to get the same ones but I cannot handle pain or stress so I haven’t ever gotten a piercing! The tattoos are also very cool. I’d love to draw you a tattoo if you’re ever interested in getting more. Please don’t feel like you have to reply to my comment either, I don’t want you to feel stressed out.
I'm so glad to hear that things are moving in a positive direction for you. I also just wanted to share how much I've been enjoying your older content for the past few months. I've been repeatedly binging your videos as sort of "background noise" while I'm in the process of sewing my wedding dress, because it's really motivating to feel like I'm sewing "with" someone. So thank you for that! 🩷
thank you so much for sharing this with us 💗 life is really hard sometimes but i’m always holding space for you! so glad you’re feeling a bit better and I hope that continues but just remember to give yourself the gift of grace and know that you are allowed to feel your feelings and that you are loved :)