I'm skipping this month (you won't be charged) and what I've been up to!
Hello everyone! I’m just jumping on here to say that I’ll be ‘skipping’ this month. That means because I have not provided the promised content for January, I will not be charging anyone. If you choose to stick around, you will be charged on March 1st for what I post in February.
I think I owe some explanation, which is what the rest of this post is supposed to be — my intention isn’t searching for sympathy, so I hope it doesn’t come off that way. The truth of it is that I’ve just been really depressed.
Previously when I’ve struggled with depression it has been a lot of sadness, a feeling of failure and foreboding. So it has been easy to recognize. But over the past few months, it has appeared in the form of apathy.
I’m not the most enthusiastic person to begin with, but I do typically look forward to the holidays. I love Christmas, both the decorating and gifting. And though I don’t always like looking back on the previous 12 months, I appreciate the fresh start a new year offers. For as long as I can remember I’ve started January 1st with a list of things I want to accomplish and a sense of hope for the year ahead.
And that just wasn’t there this year, at all. I didn’t have any things I aspired to for 2022. I didn’t have any real thoughts on 2021. I didn’t really feel anything at all.
I think this has been going on for a while — my psychiatrist asked when I last felt joy and I didn’t even have an answer.
Costuming is a creative thing, and it is hard for me to be creative in this mental state. And being self employed means I have to be self motivated, and I don’t have much of that right now either.
I actually filmed enough content for this month, I just can’t seem to bring myself to edit it all. It’s hard to explain how incapable I feel for no apparent reason, and it’s incredibly frustrating.
Things that used to be easy - like watering plants, responding to emails, tidying, and shipping orders promptly, have all fallen to the wayside. The bare minimum is exhausting (and this month I obviously didn’t even do that), anything beyond that feels impossible.
I realize a lot of people feel this way and don’t have the luxury of skipping work because of it, but I do, and I’m taking advantage of that.
I’m making some medication changes and hoping for the best. Maybe I’ll set some goals this weekend and February can be my real start of 2022.
I hope your January has been better than mine, and thanks for all your support in 2021. I’m sorry this is the way I’m starting off 2022, but I do hope you’ll stick around and see what I have to offer in February!
Angela
Comments (32)
This comment is obviously very late, but please, take care of you. You and how you're feeling are more important than our receiving content. I've felt that way more than once. I know that sometimes, forcing myself to accomplish something helps, but a lot of the time it doesn't. Take care of yourself. We love you. Praying for you. I hope my saying that doesn't offend. I don't mean to.
Everyone needs a paid vacation. In Europe, they get 2 months! The U.S. is behind the times. Take the time you need to get well. We don't give much but what we give we give for you, personally, because we care about you and not because you're producing something.
I love your work. And i am sorry you are feeling depressed. I know how that feels. I just joined your patreon because i think your work is beautiful. Hoop you are feeling beter soon❤ greetings manon
I don't contribute for just your content. I find you an amazing young person and so talented. I like knowing that, in a small way, I can help you continue to grow your talent. Please take care of you! I ,for one, will be patiently waiting.
I’m here because I think you are an amazing creator and a wonderful human, and I am at a point where I can support the artists I love. Please take whatever time you need to take care of yourself. Mental health is a tough battle, you are doing all of the right things. We will be here when you get back! ❤️
Depression is a battle. Proud of you for continuing to fight that battle!! We believe in you!! 💜💙💕
Will still be here, take the time for you and focusing on what you need to do, TFS xx
Just know that we support you and will be there for you when you need us.
It's so hard to be creative in that state. My husband asks why don't I sew when the kids go to bed. It's because I'm exhausted. It is very hard to be creative when you can't muster the will to do anything. Depression is the worst. It's such a vicious cycle. You don't do things because you're depressed, then you get depressed because you haven't done anything. Just know you are not alone. I wish you well and I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
No guilt or apologies necessary, Angela. Honestly I wouldn't mind you taking the payment since it is to support you and your work. I will miss your videos and your lovely creations, but would rather have a healthy, happy you. Take as much time as you need, no pressure. Take care of you and we'll be here when you're ready to create a again.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well and hope that things get better soon! Please don't feel bad about taking a break when too sick to work. You're a human and humans get sick sometimes. I wish you all the best and look forward to your videos once you feel better <3
Had to change my medication as well for similar reasons. Brain chemistry isn’t easy to manage so be gentle with your self. Positive thoughts and encouraging vibes for you and everyone. I enjoy your creativity and hope for your return when you are ready. 🙏😌
angela dear! is there any way you can just deliberately take february off, too, just as a much-needed vacation? i think i speak for a lot of us when i say that you don't owe us a thing--we are here supporting your art because we feel like we owe you. you are a precious and magical being. please take care of you first and foremost. we'll be here whenever you're feeling better and want to get back to it. much love!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
So sorry to hear you’ve been unwell this month ! Just take care of yourself that’s the only thing which matter to your patreons. It’s been not so strange days but depressing days and i’m sure the pandemic is one of the reason everyone feels drained. Take care !
I didn’t become your Patreon subscriber to buy content. I did it to support you. I recognize that your sense of honor require you to cancel the next round of payments, but my sense of concern for you regrets that. Fortunately it was easy to find your Ko-Fi account and send you some support through that. (For those of you who want to do the same, I went to Angela’s YouTube Page and clicked on her name and found the Ko-Fi account there. Very easy.)
hey, thank you, kathleen!! i'm exhausted myself today, but i'll get in there tomorrow and send angela 2 ko-fi's because i was equally disappointed at her not charging us the last time. <3
Don’t worry! We hope you get better soon and figure everything out! I totally get it, not being able to do simple things is, in a word, stupid. I ask myself all the time why I can’t do simple things like cleaning, going to my church, etc., but taking care of what’s going on is really important. Take the time you need❤️
Hey skip a month. Its okay. And I hope you will be too! I am a YouTube and Blog creator also. And it seems that the continuous need to share content burns out a lot of people. I like your channel and will be here when you get back.
I am so sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well. I hope you are better soon! Here for whatever content you can provide!
Back in 1999 I was ‘diagnosed’ with fibromyalgia. The doc tried a few meds that had side affects I wasn’t willing to put up with. One of those was Paxil. When I told him it did nothing but make me feel ‘less’ overall, he doubled my dose. For the first time in my life I had a panic attack, I had suicidal thought, I was extremely apathetic, and had a noticeably flattening of personality. I didn’t notice the changes as much as those around me. When I went to my monthly appointment after all of these changes he ignored them. (I fired him. Everyone said I couldn’t do that. I did.) I think having changes that you don’t really notice yourself can be frightening and debilitating. Do what you need to do, no one here is going to judge. ♥️
I’m going to contradict “everyone” and say that you had every right to change doctors when the one you were seeing wasn’t right for you!
I think a lot of us understand and relate!! Depression has been kicking my ass lately too, its been a struggle finding joy. Take care of you!!! *Hugs*
As your patron, I must urgently request that you take all the time you need to get to your happy. :) Apathy is a tricky, sneaky critter.
I have been very depressed for months now so i understand the zero motivation and feeling of failure and loss of joy. I’m not going anywhere, we will stand by you through this! You’re the person that inspired me to start sewing costumes! Through watching your videos and Instagram conversations I feel like I’ve gotten to know you and we’ve become friends. Obviously we haven’t met but friends stand by each other in times of need. The least I can do is offer my support!
Take the time you need for yourself and we’ll be here when you’re ready.
Hi Angela It has been a tough time. Please take care of yourself. All the best.
I’ve used every antidepressant out there. I did best on a combo of Fetzima, aripiprazole (low dose anti-psychotic) and Adderall (generic, used off-label). I had to switch from Fetzima to Wellbutrin when I went on Medicare because the aFetzina was too expensive. I’m doing pretty well. Wish I had more to do. Anyway, if you aren’t on a combo of meds, might consider that. Had a friend that had ECT and that helped her a lot. Also, I don’t mind if I pay for a month of no content- you are worth it. Be well.
I’m feeling the same way…I wish I could tell you how I’m dealing with it but I don’t even know what I’m doing
Sounds like you need some self care and a bit of a time out to recover your mojo in general. Whether that's walking in a different area (snow permitting) or just spending time colouring in, in order to get your mind settled again. Hopefully you'll get your creativity back,but don't push it let it come naturally. We'll be waiting when you do 🙂
Hi Angela. Don't worry-- we're all here because we support you and want the best for you!
Sending lots of hearts your way. And don't stress yourself out.
I am right there with you on this apathetic train ride. I've recently started a new medication for my depression and anxiety and I feel like I'm watching a movie of what's happening around me instead of living it in real time. In fighting my way out of this feeling and I hope you figure out the next steps necessary to bring joy back in to your life.