Book 3: Chapter 44 - Survivor’s Slightly Less Genuine Guilt

Hedron live longer than people do.
It’s just a fact.

Even at the same category and degree, and with equal constitution.

Human hedron are no exception, and we still haven’t figured out why.

All the clarity in the world, and even a violet lancer can’t outlive a cyan hedron.

Eliminate outliers—like the mythical Immortal Toad—and the disparity remains massive.

Many people study the hedron for this reason.
To find the secret to increasing the human lifespan.

But I would suggest the opposite goal.
We need to learn how to limit the longevity of monsters.
This is far more attainable, and considerably more urgent.

If we fail in this endeavor...
we will be overrun.

—Stevie Robinson, An Introduction to Hedron

“I failed. I... I couldn't save them. I couldn't save any of them...” Violet whispered. She was sitting inside, clutching her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth. The building they were taking shelter in had been a home, once. There was evidence of that in its shape alone. A window in the wall, connecting an aged kitchen to an empty living room. A rotten frame on the floor that had once held some sort of art. There was a sofa as well, half-frozen in yellow crystal. It was pristine inside the translucent stone, but rotted on the outside. Barely more than a bug-infested frame. Mauve mist leaked into the building through cracks in the ceiling and walls, but it was shelter enough. Altogether, the setting reflected its inhabitants’ moods well. In the center of it, Violet had been repeating her self-admonition over and over. So far, she had failed to completely relay her story to the rest of the team. 

It was fairly obvious what she meant, though. If Violet made it back at all, it was because there were fewer hedron inside than there should have been. And if she made it back before Angelo's fireteam, it meant they weren't coming back at all. They'd been assigned the safest job on the mission. It was possible they were still looking for Angelo, but it was unlikely. When the heart was detached from the nest, every hedron inside would have gone ballistic. 

They'd disperse eventually, to wander the mist on their own or hunt each other for food. The thing keeping them organized was gone. But for the next few days? Three orange lancers exploring the area would have no chance. Aside from that, Violet's friends believed Lisa's signal meant the angel had been found.

And Violet was doing her absolute best to project certainty, even while displaying a total lack of confidence in herself. It was a difficult balance to strike, but no performance needed to be perfect when the audience was just traumatized teenagers.

Kiera crouched in front of her and tried to calm her down. Guy rushed back into the room with a clean uniform. It was one of his, since Violet's bag had been left near the nest. 

“Sorry, this is gonna be way too big for you. But Aubrey left her bag, too, and Kiera's pants all have a hole in the ass,” he apologized. It was very much like him, and Violet wanted to be glad about it. His particular coping mechanisms were extremely helpful to her. They allowed her to behave comfortably instead of playing traumatized all the time. But Aubrey was sitting on some rubble across the room, observing Violet with a quiet intensity. 

That was far from the response Kiera and Guy had, and it made Violet worry. She had to put extra effort into selling it this time. It had worked on Aubrey before, and it would work again. She'd honestly had a good mission overall. It went perfectly. And with the way Kiera and Guy were attending to her? It was obvious Angelo had been wrong. But she could celebrate in the usual manner. By boasting while she pretended to be upset.

“It's okay,” Kiera insisted. “It's alright. You made it back. You're alright.”

“I sent him to kill himself,” Violet whispered, tears drawing lines through the blood caked onto her cheeks. 

“What the fuck?” Aubrey asked, her voice piercing from the other side of the room. Kiera looked over her shoulder, giving the banshee a reprimanding glare. Guy paused. He continued to present the oversized combat fatigues despite Violet's lack of interest. None of them understood her declaration, and every possible meaning was suffocating them.

“I told Terry where to go,” Violet finally clarified. “Where I thought he would be safe. I sent him there. And... Oh, God. I don't understand. They didn't stand a chance... Oh, God. I sent him there... And the hedron...”

Violet was struggling to form an entire sentence. Her breathing was harsh, and her throat convulsed to fight the sobbing she obviously couldn't stop.

“The hedron were in the nest. We saw them,” Aubrey replied.

Guy awkwardly placed the clothes on the ground next to Violet. She could tell he was relieved just by the way he moved. He was obviously focusing more on Violet’s survival than the implications of what she was saying. He was happy Violet was alive, and that felt good. It encouraged her to push harder with the narrative she was trying to sell.

She shook her head. “Some were,” she agreed. “But most... fuck. I don't understand why they were swarming outside the nest. It was supposed to be safe! I thought I was sending him to safety! But instead... it was suicide. It was suicide, and it was my fault. I tried to save everyone, and instead I sent him to kill himself. To kill all of them. I... I thought...”

“Oh, Jesus, Violet...” Kiera murmured, understanding the implication. “They’re... are they really?” Violet thought it was interesting that the fox couldn’t get the words out. It would be simple to ask if the entire team was dead. But she had a guess. Kiera had made it out alive, and her friends were with her. But she was just getting to know Angelo’s team. They were real people. They were friendly, and funny. They had seats in her homeroom class. And they’d been on an assigned mission, unlike Daniel. Violet didn’t know how well Kiera knew the kid who’d died on the way, but she likely hadn’t been close with the little pervert. This, on the other hand, would remind everyone how mortal they were.

Even Guy picked up what she meant, and he sat down with his legs crossed next to her. He seemed a bit out of place, but he reached one hand out to rest on Violet's shoulder. He had a rare moment of complete sincerity as he met her glassy eyes. “Hey. You're incredible,” he said. “You’re why we’re all alive.” 

It was kind. But a positive response wouldn’t have the right aesthetic. “What the fuck does that mean?” Violet snapped, tensing at the feeling of his hand. “I failed. I failed again. Don't you understand? I promised them. By even getting on this train, I promised I would get everyone home alive. I tried to save everyone again. And again, people died! Half of us are dead! I was supposed to be the leader here. And I found scraps. Do you understand that? Barely enough to identify their bodies! Shreds of our friends. The people we’ve been camping with. We traded jokes, and stories. We were going to go to fucking karaoke. And they are meat in an empty field. Incredible? Fifty percent is failure, Guy. And there were human lives at stake. Don’t ever fucking call me that again.”

Guy withdrew his hand, slowly and awkwardly. But he didn’t break eye contact. Violet could see him trying to process the rebuke. She found pity more than injury in his expression, so she left him to dwell on what she’d said. 

“You found them?” Aubrey asked. The girl's voice was still cold, but some of the ice had started to crack. Violet wasn't sure what had pissed Aubrey off, but some part of that question carried doubt. Not doubt in Violet’s story, but in whatever else was stuck up her ass. 

Violet pulled her knees in closer and looked down, letting filthy hair fall and cover her eyes. “They're dead,” she confirmed. She wasn’t completely sure of that. But she had checked their rally point after Angelo healed her. She’d found at least one piece of everyone, and enough bits to be the remains of all of them combined. Minus whatever the hedron had eaten, of course. Terry’s knife was in a pool of blood near his bits, which meant she’d done that job, at least. The other two didn’t matter so much. 

“You had time to check after your fight?” Aubrey pushed.

“Jesus! What is your problem today?” Kiera lashed out, standing up and whipping her head around to confront Aubrey. “Read the room, maybe?”

“I am,” Aubrey intoned. “And I want to know exactly what happened.”

“She’s right,” Violet cut in. “I need to explain myself. I got people killed, and I need to explain myself. I just... God. I don’t know how to face what I saw out there...”

“Try, please,” Aubrey insisted. The banshee was relentless in her interrogation. She offered Violet little sympathy for the trauma she’d just endured. There was an anger behind the girl’s brown eyes, and Violet couldn’t put her finger on what it was.

Violet took a deep breath. She let her arms slide over her knees and wrapped them around her torso, like if she could hug herself more tightly, she could stop the shaking.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I fought with everything I had. I intended to die so no one else would have to. I lied to all of you. I tricked you. I left you with no option but to survive. Or so I thought. And because of that, four of our friends are dead. That’s what happened. I don’t know how long I was fighting. I can’t give you a beat-for-beat. I don’t even know how many hedron I killed, just that there weren’t enough of them. So I tried to find Angelo and the rest, and... I was too late. I’m sorry. God. God, I’m so fucking sorry...” Violet explained, trailing off into renewed sobs by the end.

“All the way to a distant rally point? In your current state? That’s insane, Violet,” Aubrey challenged. 

“Aubrey,” Guy tried, but his voice was immediately drowned out by Kiera.

“Yeah, but you know what? Maybe we should work on getting her to safety before we scream at her for her chronic self-sacrifice,” the fox lectured. “And we are going to talk about that, Violet. But now is not the time. Aubrey, whatever you are so pissed about? It doesn’t matter now, okay? Violet is badly hurt, and we need to get her back to the train. Now.”

“I understand, but I—” Aubrey started, but Kiera cut her off.

“No! No ‘but’ anything! We are getting her to safety. You can shut the fuck up until then, or we’re going to find out if fire or sound does more damage, you get me? Violet is always worried about you. She is always concerned about you, more than she is even comfortable telling you. And here she is, literally bleeding and crying. And you can’t return an iota of that concern? Stop. Just stop. Alright?”

“No,” Violet denied. Her voice was quivering, but there was steel in it. Shame and resolve all at once. “Aubrey understands what I need right now. Maybe she's the only one who can. I don't want reassurance. I don't need to feel incredible. Right now? I would rather chew my own arm off than accept free healing on the train.”

“Violet, you—” Kiera started, but the reaper held up a hand to silence her friend.

“Don't you get it? I got innocent people killed, and it's not the first time it's happened! I love you guys. All three of you. I have parents, siblings, and cousins. Aunts and uncles all over this ruined world. I have hundreds of direct blood relatives. But you three, for the past few months? You're the first time I felt like I had a family,” Violet explained. She took a deep breath as all three of her friends watched her silently, then continued.

“And I almost got you killed. I did get four other kids killed. And I can't get their faces out of my head. I can't stop picturing your faces instead, torn up and left in the mud. I have blood on my hands, and it could have been yours.”

“You couldn't have known what would happen to them, Violet. If it's anyone's fault, it's—” Guy started, but he didn't get the chance to blame himself. The reaper wasn't done. 

“DON'T DO THAT!” Violet screamed. She slammed her fist into the ground, and rotting wood splintered beneath it. Guy and Kiera looked at Violet with shock, a lack of understanding obvious on their faces. They were both hurt, but obviously more worried. For Aubrey's part, she had some sort of war going on behind her eyes. That unexplained distrust was fighting the banshee's innate empathy.

Violet took a deep breath, then shook her head. She climbed to her feet and started to pace as she spoke. “Sorry. I just... I don't want to be comforted right now, okay? I don't want to feel better about my mistakes. I don't want you making excuses for me. When I let Daniel die... I let all of you see something you shouldn't have. A side of me that I am deeply ashamed of. The part of me that was raised to be comfortable instead of culpable. I convinced all of you to laugh with me, and joke with me. I talked you into letting me feel normal and happy, when inside I was burning alive. I let you all see my cowardice,” Violet continued.

“We all needed to feel normal, Vi. We all did. And it's the only reason we made it to the school alive,” Kiera insisted. Her voice was confident, but her ears flattened in shame against her head. 

“No. No, we needed to be like Aubrey. Or, I did, at least. Because it was too late to save Daniel. But Angelo was still alive. Terry was happy. Lisa had her homunculi, and Masaki had his research. And if I'd let myself feel the shame of my failure for a little longer? If I'd hated myself like I’d deserved? Maybe I wouldn't have grown so arrogant again. Maybe I wouldn't have killed four of our friends. 

“That's what I need. That's what Aubrey understands. I loathe myself. I feel shame like an ocean trench. Dark and deep. Unknowable except for the endless pressure. I want to claw my skin off and expose the bleeding failure underneath. And I have to feel that for a while. I have to accept that part of who I am. I don't want excuses to be made for me. I don't...” Violet paused, her voice growing more frantic as she fought to speak. She'd started crying while speaking, and her throat was trying to close with the spasms of grief. But she forced the next words out anyway. 

“Follow Aubrey's example. I don't want sympathy and kindness. I need to be hated for what I've done here. Even if you have to force yourself. Please. Just hate me as much as I hate me. Just until we get back to Prism, at least. Let me wear my ruined clothes and my wounds. As a reminder. Hate me for letting innocent people die. Hate me for being happy, deep down, that it wasn't me. For knowing, in the depths of my soul, that I'm relieved the people I actually love survived. Let me hurt and know I deserve to hurt. Because if I don't... if I let arrogance heal over these scars, because all of my mistakes have been excused... I'll get all of you killed too, someday.”

The room was silent for several heavy moments. Kiera's tail went limp in unison with her shoulders. Guy had one arm gripped so hard that Violet wondered if he'd bruise. Neither would look Violet in the eyes. And Aubrey? Aubrey finally broke. Sympathy smothered contempt, regardless of Violet's request. And the banshee was finally vulnerable to attack.

“We won't hate you,” Aubrey finally said. “Because we love you, and we can't. But I am happy to be pissed at you for a while. That's the best I can do. That, and demand you start being completely upfront moving forward. I never want to find out you lied to protect us again. We face this shit together from now on. You understand? And when we get back... there is something you and I seriously need to talk about. In private.”

That was all Violet needed to hear. She was being harsh in tone, but it may as well have been another shitty pun. Violet had pushed through whatever Aubrey’s issue was. And that meant it was time to press her luck. She wouldn't usually, but she needed Aubrey doubting Koral before they made it home. She glanced at Kiera, who offered a knowing look in return. The two made a brief but silent decision, then Kiera nodded.

“You're right,” Violet agreed. “I’m not making this mistake again. I’m not letting someone get hurt because I trust myself more than everyone else.”

Kiera's jaw tightened, and Aubrey crossed her arms, tilting her head curiously. Guy seemed to try and make himself smaller. He was so slight when he couldn't alleviate tension through humor. Like his voice had been stolen.

“What?” Aubrey pushed, and Violet took a deep breath.

“It's Koral,” Violet said. Aubrey's entire body tensed at that. Violet clenched her own fists like she was bracing herself. “She's not safe, Aubrey. I've been worried about it since we met. And I had my uncle Cyan look into her background.” Violet paused, letting the implication sink in for a moment. As a new intensity settled onto Aubrey's face, Violet prepared to tell a little white lie. She’d wanted something more certain. Something sophisticated that would grant her more control over the girl. But she’d been overcomplicating things, and Aubrey was slipping away too quickly. So Violet decided on something simple and easy to build on. “She's lying to you about who she is. And she's going to hurt you someday.”