Book 3: Chapter 43 - Survivor’s Guilt

There are dozens of theories about the end of the world.

Thousands, if you count conspiracies.

But I tend to favor the idea that the world ended because we are all morons.

Not on purpose, like some people think.
I do believe someone is responsible. Or was, when they were alive.

But I doubt this is what they wanted. A ruined planet covered in crystal.
Monsters and cities where we pretend they aren’t hunting us.

I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe it was.
Powerful people rarely make things better, to be fair.

But I trust in their incompetence far more than their malice.
I think this happened because someone tried to do something stupid for more power...
and absolutely fucked it up.

That’s not even a conspiracy theory.
That’s just knowing statistics and making the safest bet.

—Unknown

Guy couldn’t look his friends in the eyes. They’d made it back to camp safely. Not the camp just outside the nest, but the ruined home they’d stayed in before. That was where everyone was likely to meet. Everyone but Violet, anyway. 

No one would outright say it, but Violet Asher had died the moment Guy stole the heart from Kiera and ran for his life. She wouldn’t survive the entire nest overwhelming her. It simply wasn’t possible. Guy had a dozen truths to tell, if he wanted to forgive himself for killing their friend. If he hadn’t, they all would have died, after all. And the nest would still have a heart, which would’ve let it thrive until even more people died. She had told him to do it. She had practically begged him to. Staying would have killed his friend faster. He’d seen her getting hurt trying to protect them. They were holding her back, and they were drawing her blood themselves.

They’d needed to get the heart out of that nest no matter what. And they’d all known when they’d boarded the train. Some of them weren’t coming home. It was why everyone was so pissed that their team had been assigned to this mission. They should have all died trying this. Losing only one or two people? That wasn’t just luck. That was providence. They should’ve been on their knees sobbing and celebrating that anyone was alive at all. Much less three—probably six—of the eight students who’d left. And maybe they would’ve been, if it had just been a number. But Violet was their friend. And she’d died making sure the casualty count ended at her. Which was, frankly, exactly like her.

And the exact opposite of Guy.

He could tell himself all of that, and all of it was true. But he would still be lying. Someone else may have made the same choice as him for all of those reasons. Kiera seemed to believe that was why Guy had made it, too. Hell, maybe even Aubrey believed that. Guy had made choices for other people’s sakes before. He’d even risked danger for other people’s sakes. And he had convinced himself, after saving everyone in the nest, that he would do it again. He’d started to believe he would stay and fight with the people he loved. And he’d thought Violet might someday believe that, too.

She never had. She knew who he was. And she knew why he would run, in the end. It was why she’d asked him. She wanted all of them to live, and she knew Guy would run if she asked. That was why he’d done it. Because he didn’t want to die. He was too scared. Too cowardly. He was the same little boy, lost in the mist, doing whatever it took to live. No matter who got hurt in the process. He’d resolved to change, but the second Violet gave him permission? He’d run with his tail between his legs. He’d sacrificed her to save himself. 

He was so fucking worthless.

He sat on the crystal outside, watching the horizon and waiting for Angelo’s team to return. Aubrey and Kiera waited with him. Aubrey stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the house. Kiera sat on the porch, biting her nail as she eagerly scanned the mist. Everyone was exhausted after running for hours to make it back. But no one wanted to rest inside. No one had the stomach for it. Violet was dead, and they all knew it. Aubrey and Kiera both insisted that wasn’t the case, and Guy never said it out loud. It didn’t change the truth, and no one actually believed Violet would show up. There was no reason the others wouldn’t. They’d been safe the whole time. Nothing would stop them from making it back. And if they weren’t back yet, everyone could pretend Violet might show up with them.

“That was fucking stupid,” Aubrey cursed, breaking the silence for the first time in half an hour. Guy didn’t look up, but he winced at the noise. “What kind of fucking plan was that, anyway? There was no goddamn reason for it!”

“It was a shitty plan,” Kiera agreed. 

“Why did she do that?” Aubrey asked, slamming her fist into the wall she was leaning against. 

“Because every plan was shitty, and she wanted one where none of her friends died,” Kiera whispered.

“Did she?” Aubrey asked. There was a unique skepticism in her voice, and Guy wasn’t the only one to pick it up. The question was almost accusatory in tone, as if Violet had some sort of selfish motive for dying. Guy couldn’t make sense of it. And Kiera was having none of it.

“What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean?” the fox asked. She turned around and faced Aubrey for the first time since they’d made it back. Aubrey didn’t answer right away, so Kiera stood up and stomped toward her. Guy finally looked at the pair to see an absolutely furious look on Kiera’s face. She stood less than a foot away from Aubrey, who stopped leaning and faced Kiera head-on. 

“Ask me again when we get back to Prism. After Violet gets back,” she intoned. There was a certainty in that statement, and Guy started to reevaluate his previous assumption. He knew Violet would be dead. Kiera knew Violet would be dead. But Aubrey seemed completely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Violet was still alive. Which only inspired him to wonder why she seemed so angry rather than hopeful.

“How about I ask you again now, bitch?” Kiera countered. “My best friend just sent us away, knowing she would be lucky to survive. We watched her fight where we failed. We have both been saved by her multiple times in the past. And you want to imply she doesn’t care about us?”

“I’m not implying anything, Kiera. Okay? Just drop it,” Aubrey replied.

“Like hell I’ll drop it! We owe everything to Violet! Again!” Kiera snapped. “And you’re going to fucking respect her, or you can shut the hell up. Now, what the fuck do you mean by ‘did she’? What kind of question is that?”

“We could have collapsed the tunnel and bought just as much time. We could have flown in the window and stolen the heart that way. We could have sent a homunculus alone to retrieve it. There were a thousand plans we could have made, and Violet didn’t give us the chance. I’m just not certain we can call that magnanimous without examining it for five seconds, okay?” Aubrey explained. 

Guy was honestly shocked. Aubrey liked Violet just as much as he did. But she was acting like she had when she’d first met the girl again. He couldn’t figure out why she would do that.

“We would all be dead!” Kiera shouted. “With every single one of those plans, the entire nest would have swarmed us! The school was covered in yellow crystal! We weren’t collapsing fuckall at our degrees! Violet chose a shitty plan that risked herself instead of all of us, like she always does. Like she did when she beat the yellow hedron you created! So I don’t want to hear it!”

“My Scream didn’t hurt a single yellow hedron this entire mission, no matter how many times I used it! And it’s twice what it was when Stephanie died! Do you really think I could have hurt her at all?” Aubrey hissed back.

“Oh, so now you want to blame Violet for your own goddamn murder, is that it?” Kiera accused.

And Guy understood. The argument was getting out of control, and he finally realized why. He wasn’t alone. Everyone was like him. All three of them. They all felt guilty for running. After relying on Violet for so long. They were all ashamed of themselves.

“Stop,” he whispered.

“I didn’t kill anyone!” Aubrey insisted. “I'm not like you.”

“Yeah, tell that to the corpse we had to burn before we could go to our first day of high school,” Kiera snarled.

“I said to fucking stop!” Guy yelled. He’d never yelled around either of them before, and the sound of it immediately silenced both of his friends. He stood up and faced them. They both still looked furious. He took a deep breath, then held one hand to his eyes and tried to steady himself before speaking again. It didn’t help keep the quiver out of his voice. But he spoke again anyway. 

“I get it. I’m ashamed, too. I'm scared, and I have no idea how to process any of what happened today. I am grieving. And I am upset. I understand. But please. Stop this. You're tearing each other apart. You're saying things that neither of you will ever forget. And it's because you're both terrified by the same memory as me. The same moment none of us will ever really escape. And it is too fresh. It's too new to open up each other's wounds over it. So please. Please don't do this right now?” Guy begged.

Neither of the girls were used to Guy sounding so serious. Even in the face of the worst moments of his life, he'd always hid behind humor. He relieved tension with jokes and by making a fool of himself. But he wasn't actually stupid. He could read a room, and he knew when that would make things worse. It might have helped if Violet were there. But she wasn't. And she deserved more than a stupid quip. That left him with one option, and he hated it. It was a vulnerable emotion he feared more than anything. All he could be was earnest.

And because it was so rare for him, it actually worked.

Aubrey’s lips tightened, and Kiera’s ears flattened. The fox backed down first, allowing her tail to go limp. She turned to rest her back against the wall next to Aubrey. She folded her knees up and buried her head in them, shielding her face from the world. “Damnit...” she murmured.  

Aubrey opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. “I’m going inside. Let me know when she makes it back,” she finally responded. Guy bit his tongue and let her go, then went to join Kiera. He sat next to her and leaned his head against the wall. They sat in silence for a few moments, then Kiera spoke again.

“I fucked up last night,” she whispered. Guy didn’t respond. Pushing was never a good idea, and she would know he was listening. So he sat still, and he waited. It was a long moment before Kiera spoke again, and he could hear soft crying in her voice when she did. “She knew she was going to do this for us. She knew she was going to...” She trailed off, unwilling to say the last word. To admit that Violet was dead. 

“She was the best of us,” he said, acknowledging her in the past tense out loud for both of them. That inspired an audible wail from Kiera. Her body shook with the uncontrollable movements of overwhelming grief.

“I tried to make it about me,” Kiera admitted. “She was ready to die for our sake, and I tried to make it about me, like I always do. And when she snapped at me? I was angry. I felt guilty, but I was irritated at her. Can you believe that? How selfish I am? I wallowed in self-pity for hours after our last conversation. And I let Violet... I let her die mad at me. And even now. Even now, that’s what I care about. That she was mad at me. What kind of person does that make me?”

Guy sat with that for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. “The kind of person who tried to save her, instead of running,” he answered. 

Kiera snorted, allowing a short, humourless laugh. That hurt a bit, but he understood why she was reacting that way. “Look at us, huh?” she chuckled. “We’re really not the ones who should have survived, are we?”

Guy didn’t know how to respond to that. But he looked up just in time that he wouldn’t need to. Tears started to run down his face as a massive weight was lifted from his shoulders. She was still distant, shrouded in constantly moving and quietly violent mist. She was limping. Her clothes were torn and bloody, and her hair was a tangled and matted mess. But she was there, and she was real.

His response to what he was seeing was a whisper of disbelief, and one which made Kiera freeze.

“Violet?”