Hi everyone.

I don’t even want to try to put into words how mentally exhausting this past month has been for me. I can barely do anything. My state is so bad that I’ve run out of words to describe what it feels like.

In all 11 years of living with depression, I think this has been the darkest period. Every time you tell yourself, “It can’t get any worse than this.” And somehow life takes that as a challenge.

I just want this to be over. I want to live again. I want to feel something other than this endless emptiness. I want to wake up one morning without having to fight a battle with myself before the day has even begun.

I’ve been taking a higher dose of antidepressants for the past month. I haven’t been skipping them, and I’ve been following all of my doctor’s recommendations. But honestly, I’m no longer sure they’re doing anything.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a different psychiatrist. A friend recommended them to me because they went through something very similar, and this doctor genuinely helped them. I’m really hoping I’ll finally find a treatment that actually works. Because living like this has become unbearable.

But I’m still fig.hting.

I think the most valuable thing I have left right now is the desire to get through this. I’m doing everything I possibly can. Sometimes it feels like it isn’t enough. But maybe fighting isn’t about winning every day—maybe it’s simply about refusing to stop trying.

Thank you all for your support.

And I’m sorry that I haven’t been reading your messages. It’s not because I don’t care. I just genuinely don’t have the strength or the mental capacity right now.

Recently I went through terrible insomnia. I barely slept for almost four days. At one point I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

Please… God, the Universe, fate—whoever or whatever might be listening. Just give me one chance. Give me the strength to get through this. I’m so incredibly tired. I hope this new doctor can help me. I want so badly for all of this to become nothing more than a memory someday.

There’s honestly not much else to tell.

The days all blur together now. Sometimes it feels like time itself has stopped moving. Most days I just lie in bed and stare at one spot for hours.

A few life updates, though.

I recently had dental surgery. My cheek swelled up so much that the mirror definitely wasn’t on my side.🫠 Thankfully everything has healed now, and I’ve had the stitches removed. On September 17, I’m getting braces on my lower teeth.

During this time, I also managed to pay off all of my loans.

Thank you to everyone who supported me by buying my content and my paintings. ❤️

One of my friends also helped me pay off the debt I owed to the startup where I work. He lent me the money, and I was finally able to clear everything I owed through May. I can’t even describe the relief I felt.

Thank you to the people who have stayed by my side. Truly. I don’t think I would have made it through this period without you.

There’s only a little left now. I still have a few debts to repay and my braces to pay for—and then I’ll finally be free.

For the first time in a long time, I’ll be able to work just to live instead of working only to pay off debt. That feels almost unreal.

I’ve honestly forgotten what it’s like to buy something just because I want it. To do something kind for myself without immediately calculating whether I can afford it.

To everyone who has been there for me and helped me in any way—thank you.

You have no idea how much weight you’ve taken off my shoulders.

I really hope things finally start getting better soon.