Hi everyone.

I’m currently on a small Balinese quest.

In Bali, neither OnlyFans nor Fnsly works.

My VPN decided it had done enough, and my subscription expired.

And of course, I can’t pay… no money anywhere. Not on my card, not on раураl, not even in some parallel universe. I can't top up the card either.

I’m already on the verge of a meltdown.

But the universe, apparently, decided not to finish me off, and somehow I managed to find a person who helped me pay for a VPN. One that works more than an hour a day 🥲

And inside, it feels like so much has built up that if I don’t tell it, it’s just going to spill out of me.

So.

Last weekend, the people I live with invitеd me to go to the north of the island to swim with dolphins.

Who am I to say no?

Although, to be honest, there’s this slight feeling of awkwardness inside.

I live with them for free, use everything, and sometimes feel like a very polite but slightly annoying fly.

I do help around the house and try to be useful, but that inner “you don’t quite belong here” thought pops up from time to time.

But dolphins are an argument I simply cannot argue with.

It was incredible.

I’m afraid of water. Really afraid.

For me, diving into the open ocean where I can’t see what’s below me, or even going into the sea where I can’t see the bottom, used to be a hard no. Never in my life.

But, as it turns out, for dolphins I’m willing to negotiate with my fear and panic.

Of course, I got stung by jellyfish.

But that becomes a very minor detail when you look down and see a huge pod of dolphins moving beneath you like one living organism.

And at some point, you stop being a separate person.

You become part of the flow.

And that feeling — it’s everything to me.

I chase it in every trip like an аddict.

Because in those moments, life feels… real.

But of course, there’s always contrast.

While I’m floating in this almost spiritual high, plastic bags drift toward me.

A few of them.

Like reality saying, “don’t relax too much.”

And it throws me off.

I start thinking about it, spiraling, getting angry, sad… the full package.

So I switch on my “rule of three” practice.

I look around and ask myself:

what do I see?

what shape is it?

what color is it?

Sometimes that’s not enough.Then the internal dialogue begins.

I literally sit Valeria down in front of me and say:

“Listen. Everything you feel is normal.

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even think about it.

Indifference that’s what’s scary. Indifference is emptiness. And you’re not empty. But you can’t change the whole world. What you can do is not dеstroy yourself against it. Want to feel like you have an impact? Pick up trash. Don’t litter, sort your waste, help. Do something small. But stop tеaring yourself apart from the inside.

The world is sometimes cruеl. Sometimes unfair.

There’s a lot of рain in it. And unfortunately, that’s part of the system and it has to be accepted.”

And after that, I return to the simple things again:

what do I see?

what shape is it?

what color is it?

It works. Not perfectly, but it works.

I’ll tell you about my meltdown over a dog and how I unexpectedly ended up at the Balinese New Year in another part.

Thank you if you made it to the end.

At this point, you’re basically my VPN keeping me connected to reality.