Keeping it together.

The scent of lemongrass and lavender had already faded, but it still reached her even before she opened the door. The darkness of the room was broken only by the thin sliver of window that let the early morning sun slip through. Without turning on the light, Bella walked slowly to the desk, setting down her heavy bag with a sigh, wishing she could set down more than just that weight. The speaker was ready to play the same calm playlist as every other day, and her favorite candle, its wick nearly gone, was ready to be lit one more time. In the next room, a few towels that had come back from the laundry the night before were still waiting to be put away. Her fingers brushed over the soft white fibers before she rolled them up carefully and stacked them neatly on the shelves. She covered the massage table with a fresh sheet of paper and opened the blinds just enough to bring a soft, comfortable half-light into the little room that had become almost her whole life by now. A smile rose to her lips without warning as she took in the space she had built from nothing.

Back at the desk, she dropped a coffee pod into the noisy machine while her laptop booted up. The steaming cup kept her company as she went through the day's appointments. One client had to reschedule at the last minute, leaving a single open slot. It was going to be a full day — and thank goodness for that. She had made her peace with what she could handle, with how many clients she could book without losing her mind completely — especially on the days she didn't have her cutie around to make everything a little lighter. Another smile spread across her face as she thought of him, of how distracted he'd been lately. She remembered the last lunch they'd shared and how worn out he'd looked, with those strange little lapses in memory…

"I hope he's taking care of himself," she thought out loud, picking up her phone and opening their chat, where they hadn't exchanged a message in days. "Maybe I should text him later…"

The phone buzzed in her hand, and everything else was forgotten in that one small instant as the hot coffee slid down her throat, swallowing down — bitter — the words she didn't want to read.

Not now, man.

She shoved the locked phone into the desk drawer, trying to get all of it out of her sight long enough to forget — at least for a while. She glanced at the clock and leaned back in her chair to finish her coffee, taking her time until the last sip went down too cold. Her eyes kept drifting to the drawer; her fingers clenched to keep themselves from reaching for the phone again.

"No, no, no." She stood up quickly, carrying the cup off to wash it.

Unlike what she let happen at home, she never allowed her spa to show the slightest sign of mess or neglect. The chaos stayed strictly in her bedroom — and in her head. It was almost time for her first client, so she hit play on the music, set the volume to something comfortable, and lit the candle — that great warrior of a velvety scent.

The knock at the door came a little earlier than expected, and Bella silently gave brief thanks that she no longer had time to be alone with her thoughts. She took a deep breath and put on her best smile before unlocking the door to welcome Mrs. Willis.

"Good morning!"

"Oh, Bella, dear! Am I too early?" The little woman took Bella's hands warmly in hers.

"Of course not, you're right on time! Drainage day, right?"

"That's it, sweetheart, my legs are so swollen you'd think I'm on my feet all day long!"

"We'll take care of that, Mrs. Willis. No aches allowed in here!"

*

She'd lost count of how many sessions she'd done, and not even the ache starting to build in her back could wipe the small smile from her face — the one that came from doing what she loved.

"God, the hands on you! You'd never guess I came in here that stressed. I actually fell asleep!"

"Falling asleep means I did a good job," the masseuse joked, helping her client sit up.

"Absolutely. Honestly, Bella, I don't know what I'd do without this place!"

The small smile stayed with her until the woman was gone and the door finally closed, letting her breathe out all the dread she'd been carrying.

"Neither do I."

*

Ignoring hunger had become one more of her skills by now, but the faint dizziness late in the afternoon forced her to stop during that open slot to eat something. She went down to the gym's break room — staff only, though she had permission to use it. A sandwich and a protein drink wasn't much, but it was enough to at least fill the hole in her stomach that had almost stopped her from thinking straight.

"Oh, hey, Bella! Didn't know you were in here."

Her back to the door, her head in the fridge as she hunted for her lunch, she hadn't seen the gym's receptionist come in.

"Hey, Amanda, how's it going?"

"Yeah, good," the girl said, flopping onto the little couch in the tiny room. "I'm on my break — Ivy's already in, so I'm making the most of it."

"Right."

Bella thought about taking her food back up to the spa, then gave up on the idea and sat down at the small table to eat in peace. She shook the little drink carton and unwrapped the chicken sandwich so slowly it was as if she barely had the strength for even that.

"So how's the spa? Busy?"

Amanda's question caught her mid-bite, and she let herself chew for a good while before swallowing.

"Everything's great," she answered without looking at her, going quiet again after a gulp of the chocolate drink.

"O-kay…" Amanda shrugged and settled back into the couch, suddenly finding her phone very interesting.

The sound of weights dropping to the floor and the loud thump of the gym's music reached them both even through the closed door.

"You haven't been working out?"

"What?"

"Haven't seen you training lately," Amanda pressed, lifting her eyes from the screen to look at the masseuse.

"I…" She paused to think for a moment about what Amanda had said. "Yeah…" She sounded confused, because she was. "I guess I haven't come in for a few days."

How many days? She did some quick math in her head — it had probably been at least a week since she'd last trained.

"A week, I think."

"A week?! Are you okay?" the girl exclaimed in her shrill voice. "The famous Bella never rests more than a day!"

Never rests.

"I'm fine, just busy with some things," she tried to sound casual, taking another bite of her sandwich under Amanda's suspicious gaze.

"Hmm… okay." The receptionist popped up, stretching before she headed for the door. "Far as I know you're always busy — but always a total babe. Take care of yourself!"

Bella didn't even get the chance to respond before Amanda hurried out of her fifteen-minute break. She finished chewing the last piece of bread and washed it down with the rest of the creamy drink, which, in the end, went down with a faintly sour taste.

Two other gym employees came in, prompting Bella to get up and leave the break room, giving them more room in the stuffy, poorly ventilated space. She excused herself and left, walking through the gym as if she were carrying a hundred-kilo barbell on her back.

She went back up to the spa, barely giving herself time to close the door behind her before reaching for the phone she'd left in the drawer all morning. Her trembling hand started typing a message, then deleted it all and dialed a call instead.

"Hello there, young lady," came the deep but friendly voice on the other end, answering almost at once.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Collins," she greeted him, then froze on the rest of what she'd meant to say.

"So — do you have an answer for me yet?" the man pressed, trying to get her to speak first.

"I… um…" She took a deep breath. "I still don't have a counteroffer for you," she admitted. "I've been running the numbers over and over, but I still can't match the rent they're offering."

"Yeah, I was afraid you'd say that," she heard Mr. Collins sigh. "Bella, you know I'd rather keep you there, but I have to consider the other offer."

"I know, Mr. Collins." Her eyes stung and her nose was starting to clog.

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

Her legs were shaking so hard they barely held her up, and she was grateful, if only for a moment, that no one could see her right then.

"But I put so much — so much — into this place!" she managed, louder than she'd meant to. "Why can't I at least get some kind of break on the price?"

"Bella… you know I'm fond of you." He didn't sound like some lecherous old man; he seemed sincere. "I know you made real improvements to the room, and I've been taking that off your rent all these months." Bella stayed quiet, because she knew it was true. "But I have to think about my side of things too."

"Yeah, I know," she said as the tears already wet her face, no longer trying to hold them back.

"Look, I can give you some time to find a new place and move out, but I can't push it much further — the other tenant is very eager and breathing down my neck."

"It's all right, Mr. Collins. I'll… I'll figure something out. I just need a few days," she lied — to him and to herself — in the steadiest voice she could manage.

*

"This place is so special," the client said on her way out. "My whole day gets better when I come here."

Bella forced out the last smile of the day before closing the door and resting her forehead against it.

Please… stop saying that.

Her next steps were almost automatic. She tidied the table, put the towels in to wash, cleaned the bathroom, closed the blinds, put out the candle and the diffuser, and turned off the music, until at last all she could hear was her own heavy breathing. With every light she switched off, it was as if a little of the room's energy drained out of her too.

She took one last look around the space that, even in the dark, still felt so much like hers.

I'll figure it out tomorrow.

*

Staring at the ceiling wasn't something she did often, but it was all she could manage after a very hot shower and throwing herself onto the bed, wrapped in nothing but a towel.

Every conversation with the landlord came back to her once more, and it wore her out, because she hated dwelling on things.

I just need to know what to do now.

"Bella?"

The call, followed by two soft little knocks, pulled her out of her daze.

"Hey, Deb," she greeted the woman at the door.

"Saw your light on and the door open," she began, then noticed Bella hadn't so much as moved from where she lay. "Bella, are you okay? You look exhausted."

The brunette forced herself to sit up, barely bothering to hold the towel against her body.

"I'm… I'm fine."

Deborah's green eyes narrowed, clearly not buying the blatant lie.

"You've seemed different these past few days… Is something going on?"

Once again she felt the bitter taste rise in her throat, but she wouldn't let herself cry again.

I'm being evicted.

The words surfaced and vanished in the same instant — she wouldn't talk about that now.

She turned her face away from the redhead's searching look.

"I'm just… tired."

And that alone was enough for the girl who never let anything get to her.

"No." Deborah didn't accept the answer, stepping a little further into the space between the door and the bed.

"You're more than tired. You're taking care of everyone again."

And that wasn't a question.

The mirror across from the bed now reflected a face she barely recognized.

"I don't know what to do anymore," she finally let slip, without bothering to explain what exactly she meant.

She braced for the thousand questions Deborah would ask, but they never came.

"Did you find any answers after spending the whole day thinking about it?"

She didn't ask what Bella was referring to. In the end, she understood she wasn't in any position to make her talk about something she clearly wasn't ready to share.

Bella shook her head.

"No," she sighed.

"Then stop thinking about it for one night."

Bella stared at Deborah as if she'd just said the most absurd thing in the world, and let out a short laugh through her nose.

"I wish it were that easy."

Deborah smiled.

"Just try."

She turned and walked to the door, holding the handle for a moment before glancing back over her shoulder.

"Oh… and please be careful not to go wandering around the house with no clothes on."

Bella looked down at the towel wrapped around her body, rolled her eyes, and laughed for real for the first time all day.