2019 PLAN

It's a new year, thank god. 

There are always things you guys don't know about going on behind the scenes. Like, for instance, you have no idea how many open projects I always have or how many videos I'm currently shooting or editing. This is true. But you also can't really know about the emotional turmoil and the toll that a lot of this takes on me. That's also very true. Over the course of 2018 a lot of things changed, some for the better some for the worst but change is a force that can't be stopped and we have to be aware of that. And unfortunately this all means that you have the tendency to be in the dark about a lot of stuff and that tends to scare people off. 

So in the last month I've lost quite a few supporters and thousands of subscribers. Sure I can attribute some of that to a general fear of trans people or whatever, but I actually thing the real fault is the fear of change more than anything. Is she ever going to do a big project again? Is she just kinda...not working? What's going on? Why are we in the dark and why is she only making vlog-style videos that we don't even like? These might not be your thoughts but these are the general thoughts of a ton of my subscriber base and many of the patrons that left. It's understandable if not uninformed. It seemed like just a month ago I had a ton of open projects, what the fuck happened? Well, okay.

THE DOCUMENTARY

So the documentary is wrapped. Shooting is done. Everything is in it's right place and quite a bit of it is edited. However. BIG however. Evy and I aren't really close anymore. Some stuff happened and then more stuff happened then more stuff happened and things just escalated toward this point of distance. It's not even that Evy and I 'wronged' each other and I don't really think ill of them, but it was just a bad time and it was bad vibes and it was a real downer and I think we're both still independently trying to pick up the pieces. Making the documentary was kinda fun, until it wasn't. It was a month of intense work followed by true, crushing disappointment. That's why the project kinda fell apart. The whole thing is shot and it has a clear beginning, middle and end and it's probably pretty good, but the ending is very sad. It's so sad that when I showed it to someone close to me, we just kinda stared at the screen and tried not to cry. It's sad. I didn't want it to be sad but happiness in this situation is dishonest. So editing this has and will continue to be a nightmare because I actually want you to see it and think you should, but also be aware that the emotional toll it's taken on me to get it done is extreme and I'm trying to pace myself so I don't crash. Also please show Evy nothing but respect and support, they deserve it and I still deeply care about them. If anything, I hope the documentary reflects that. I'd like to have the film done by my birthday in March, but it may be earlier or later. It will be finished soon.

10 HOLY SHIT MOVIES OF 2018

Since the documentary is kinda killing me, it's been really fucking hard to just keep moving and not spend all my emotional and intellectual energy on that. However, I'm trying my best to get passed that, so we shot this on New Years and it's in editing now. I'm hoping to have it to you this week. It's another one where things get 'real' at the end but I think that's a good thing and it says a lot about my year and where I'm going with everything next.

CAM & ONLINE IDENTITY

I just wrote a script that is royally upsetting and honest about my relationship with the internet in these last couple months, mostly culminating in coming out and how the internet took that news and sorta the way that I've disassociated over the years. I'm writing the video as a sorta letter to the film's writer Isa Mazzei because I feel like she truly understands what I'm going to be talking about. Also she's a fan of the show! Anyways this video is going to be a REAL bummer so strap in for that. I'm looking to get started working on this as soon as the 'holy shit movies' video is completed. This might span awhile depending on how long it takes to really communicate it all but I'm pretty stoked to get this off my chest and move on.

2019

SO you can really start to see a theme here. This first couple videos of the year is about parsing out some real issues and moving forward because if I'm going to be getting back to making fun stuff, I have to get over these hurdles and do it on my terms and not those expected of me. So things are going to continue to change but it's for the better and it's going to continue to be for the better. I truly hope you are along for the ride, and trust me, it will be a ride.

I fucking love you.

<3 May