Very Necessary Post

Hey loves!

So it's been a bit since I really gave you a detailed update as to what's going on over here. There are several reasons for that, some unfortunate, some fair. The first and clearest reason for this is time, I don't have much of it. I am completing school this month...like with a real degree. Hey heck, I got a Bachelors Degree in Art + Art History with a focus in Film/Video.

Unfortunately this means I have to go through all the extra bullshit that comes with obtaining the degree (graduation, sending out announcements, senior exhibition of work, screening of final films, a TON of paperwork, finishing up my portfolio, just kind of...lots of shit). The good news is that most of that is now done, but that's been my month and oh my did I hate every minute of it. It's actually been fairly depressing because there's so much I'd rather be doing that just constantly working on paperwork and all that nonsense. 

But now we're down to the wire, I have a final on Thursday and then I graduate the following day! Hooray, it's nearly over.

This is all complicated by two things however: the first is moving out. I'm trying to start the steps necessary to get out of this place. It's taken me forever to feel like I'm viable enough to make it happen but I now this I earn, or can earn, enough to live on my own! This is huge for me because living at home has been rather stressing for a long time and now I have the opportunity to get out and be on my own terms. I've almost moved out several times in the past, but what with college and trying to work a job and trying to do YouTube stuff, it's been far too much and I've had next to no help getting this problem solved. So now that I can do it, I'm going to. In the next couple weeks I should be signing a lease and moving on. 

The second this is a bit of a weird one that has seen a bit of an unfortunately mixed reaction, but I guess I don't care? I dunno, should I care? I can't really figure it out. Anyways, I'm transgender. Oops, I said it, now I have to deal with the consequences. Apparently there are consequences to saying this out loud in our contemporary political landscape -- which is pretty shitty, let's be honest. If any of you are concerned by this information, uh, I apologize. I imagine some of you are used to reading my big walls of text in my voice and now you're asking yourself if that's even still me. Is there some sort of imposter on the other side of this text now? Short answer, no, this is just who I've always been and I'm finally coming to terms with that. If you need the scoop, I've been miserable for years in my own private way. I dare not speak about this sorta thing and when I do it's typically met with a lot of questions, rejection, concern and disconnection. I worry that in time, this will come to pass with everyone and that's still something I've weighing. 

The whole point of telling you this, besides just the basic gist is because it's thoroughly complicated my life beyond how it was already complicated. Because of this, you may have noticed a lack of me posting here because I wasn't sure what to really say about it, and a lack of content that's sizable (where's that IT 2017 video? I hear you ask. We'll get to that.) but I assure you that I've been trying my absolute best to see stuff and present myself in a way that won't like...offend my entire audience (many are already pissed off about it, people are now talking shit about me across the entire internet oops) but in truth this is all VERY scary. VERY scary. Especially when it comes to my family and what they'll think, and the horror and anxiety that comes with speaking to medical professionals and just...everything...

Any so that said, here's what gonna happen next. I'll be moving out in the next couple weeks and after I get moved in and comfortable, I'll be dealing with all the gender related torment and suffering. In the meantime, I'll be making videos at a similar frequency to now and I'll also be streaming on Twitch as much as possible (http://www.twitch.tv/nyxfears). It's given me a good outlet to keep making stuff and talking to my audience while all this is up in the air.

But the big bit of good news is that the IT 2017 is 3/4ths completed from my editor. Basically I'll be getting that from him, making my necessary adjustments and shooting what I need to shoot for it and then that will be hitting YouTube hopefully this month. It's good and I'm excited about it and I really want you all to see it -- not because I just say the same stuff as I said about the video before, but because I talk about a lot of film theory and analysis know-how that I think will lead to a better experience even if you aren't the biggest fan of the film. Anyways, it'll be good I think. 

So this is where we're at right now. If you have questions, I'll happily answer them but as for now this is the direction everything is going and I'm pretty happy about the future's outlook, even if it's absolutely terrifying. But it's to be expected, what is life if not being presented with new challenges and finding some way to rise to the challenge and meet it. 

I love you all. I love all of you that continue to stand by me even when all is rough. I don't want you to think that this is the end of anything or that content is going to slow down or stop. After we get through this next month or so, content should pick up a lot. I'll be free to make stuff all the time, and stream more often and make stuff that really makes me proud and feels like me. But until then, I'll keep making stuff, even if that means I have to plug my computer into a floor socket and just edit on the floor. Even if I have to shoot videos in the kitchen. Whatever, we're doing this. 

Here's to the future. It's gonna be good.

I love you.

<3 May