Merry Christmas and other things
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas that are celebrating the holiday! While I did dinner and games yesterday, we will have our more traditional gathering this weekend.
This post will be somewhat different from what I usually do. It'll be very little about TaH, and mostly about me. But, for starters...
Important News: I will be suspending monthly renewed billing for January. I'll explain the details below. Also, this entire post is just me being honest with my situation. I do not want pity, sympathy, encouragement or attention. I only ask for your understanding.
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2024 has been a bittersweet year. Things like the success of Episode 3 were amazing high points. I've also met and started building relationships with a number of people in this community and others.
But much of this year hasn't been kind to me. I try not to speak too much into my personal life because it's better to stay focused on the professional development of TaH here. But, I suppose since I am a one-man team, development is hugely affected by my personal life.
I live with depression. Anyone looking at me from the outside would wonder, and rightfully so, why I would be depressed. There's no reason for me to be, yet I've spent most of my life like this, even before I was diagnosed as a teenager.
It's so much a part of who I am, that I don't understand when others tell me they don't suffer from it. I generally assume everyone deals with it, because it's all I've really known. I suppose it'd be like a blind man trying to understand what people with sight experience.
When I was younger my mom tried to get me help. I've seen doctors. I've had therapy (therapist, counselor, and psychiatrist). I've been prescribed drugs. Many, in fact, of varying doses and combinations.
But all those experiences were bad, and I eventually opted out of them. I could feel awful without spending money my poor parents didn't have, since that only increased my guilt.
When there seems to be no solution for the problem, it's just an acceptance that this is the way it is and you deal with it. Go on with life and realize it may never change. Yes, I can experience moments of peace and joy, but the overwhelming majority of my life is spent feeling dread.
Actually, 2023 may have been the best year I had emotionally since I was a child. It came after a large mental breakdown at the very end of 2022 which, for lack of a great explanation, rewired my brain. I had mentioned it to a few people, but just one person really knows a lot of the details. I can only assume it was some sort of coping mechanism my brain did that allowed me to "heal" and carry on with life. And to my surprise, life was a lot better.
But I suppose this year a lot of things started chipping away at that. Perhaps financial stresses had a large part of that. Truth is, I basically live in poverty. I always had decent jobs and never worried about living paycheck to paycheck.
However, I took a huge chance with my last job, jumping into a career I had no education or experience with, but by luck was offered a position. After the initial educational periods, my contracted assignments were awful. My first nine months I lived in a hotel and worked 12 hours everyday. I got contracted to other jobs with some improvements, but they always required long hours and long weeks.
Sure, the money was good. But after a few years I got burnt out. I left and took time to live off my savings and decided I valued my time more. I figured I could do a job that was flexible and required the minimum from me so that didn't happen again.
Since then I began TaH, and AVN development can be costly. Things like Patreon certainly help to counter those costs, but they've still put a lot of financial strain on me these last two years. I knew I could go back to a more formal job and not have to worry about money so much, but I'd never have the freedom to work on my project in a timely manner.
For the first time I had to borrow money this year. I had borrowed to take care of my root canal. I had to borrow even more to replace my roof. Then later I went and sold a classic car I had gotten from my uncle years ago to cover that roof cost, and tried to give my parents some of that money for storing that car for me all these years since I didn't have a garage for it. They wouldn't accept the money, and of course that gave me more guilt.
There's more stuff left unmentioned, and I realize these are hardships lots of people face. Many have it worse. But telling a man who hasn't eaten in three days that someone else hasn't eaten in six still doesn't diminish their pain and suffering. Everyone has a breaking point.
And this year I hit mine again.
Recently I took over a week away from development and everything related to it. I turned off Discord and tried to pretend most of the rest of the world didn't exist. Then I did something I haven't done in over two years. I started reading a book. Then I started playing a video game (XCom 2) and beat it. Then I've started BG3 since I was gifted it last Christmas and never had time to give it a chance.
I've only seen my group of friends once this year, back when one of them invited everyone out for his birthday for drinks and food. I had told him I could come hang out, but I couldn't buy anything. He still offered me a drink and some food while I was there. I really do have amazing friends, and I feel guilty for never seeing them.
I feel guilty for how long this next chapter of TaH is taking me, and I feel guilty for feeling guilty. It's amazing how much guilt and depression feed off each other.
My entire year has been guilt and it leaves me in a paralysis where I'm frozen and can't do or think anything. Taking one week away has made me realize I need more space. I've only been surviving, not living.
I'll be suspending automatic renewal payments on Patreon for January. Everyone that is already subscribed will still have access to everything, you just will not get a renewal charge. It's very possible I'll extend this another month or two, at least until I'm ready to make a serious release announcement for Ep4. Suspending payments does not mean I don't plan on working.
It may seem strange that after revealing my financial troubles that I'd be turning off payments. But I haven't been able to produce the content I feel is warranted, so accepting more money feels wrong to me. Again, it's about the guilt and reducing what I feel responsible for.
I have family to see coming up and even thinking about work nearly incites a panic attack. I'll get passed the holidays and will then find a way to breath new life into myself and continue work.
Again, none of this was written to garner sympathy (I'm serious... even when people try to be thoughtful/encouraging, I struggle accepting it and oftentimes prefer silence). It's hard even sharing the little details I have, but I want to provide reasoning for what I'm doing, even if you can't relate to what's going on with me internally.
I'm wishing you all a better 2025, and that my work can become a small, but wonderful, part of it. Thank you for giving me plenty to be grateful for, even if at this moment it's hard for me to feel it.
-ckr
Comments (14)
Hey bro. Hope you're doing well. I just want to jump in here and say that this is one of the best-written games I've come across. Maybe it's your pain that makes what you write so relatable, I dunno, but these feel like real people, and that's pretty rare in the space. So go on, get better, do what you need to do. And when you come back around, I'll be rearing to experience these folks again.
Thank you sharing your support and your thoughts on TaH! There's a lot of "me" that bleeds into my work, so if that transfers into more realism with the characters then I am glad. The last 5-6 weeks have done a lot to decompress myself, starting very slowly but accelerating. I'm mostly trying to take care of things with my home and living situation so I don't have to worry about it when I go into full production mode again lol.
Hi CoolKittyRhymes. I first discovered this game on itch.io and have enjoyed the first 2 episodes, so I decided to join the patreon here. I like that your game is very amusing but sometimes it's also touching and deep. It's sad to know you're struggling with depression and other stuff in your life. I've living with anxiety for 5 years. Although it's not the same, I can totally relate to your feelings, when you cannot control your nerves and thoughts. What I've learned in these years is we all should love ourselves first, not considering too much about others' feelings. If you need a break just take it. I wish you find happiness soon in 2025, and when you feel like it, share your new stories with us. :)
I'm happy you've found your way here, and your thoughts/feelings about TaH :D Anxiety is another tough one. I've struggled with that even before depression became serious, plus it coincides with my introverted nature. As an adult I've conquered some of it, mainly through necessity (pursuing jobs or relationships... any risk is super scary for me). For a guy who loves to be a homebody, I've done a lot of group activities as an adult. Being comfortable socializing can be hard, but it's honestly the best way I found that combats those mental issues. When you're with others for a purpose (game, sport, book club, church, whatever) it takes your brain's focus away from yourself for awhile. Actually, just yesterday an old friend sent out a message to a whole group of us suggesting we get together a couple times a month at a local brewery. He's close with the owner, and we'd be able to chill and play whatever. I don't feel motivated to do it, but I also know that this is what I need and I'll love hanging out with the guys if I just go. Now I've convinced myself I have to do it lol. You're right about self-love. You all have greatness and worth; I hope you each see that. I sometimes need people (you guys, my family, my friends have all done it) to remind me and snap me back to reality. I also hope you all get reminded by those close to you, either verbally or by action. I didn't intend to ramble on again, but here I am. Thanks for reading this far lol.
Dysthymia is an old acquaintance of mine. Coincidentally, I also experienced a mental breakdown at the very end of 2022, which marked the beginning of a months-long healing process. Here's to the rewiring of the brain—may it last. Cheers.
You do what you gotta do! I wish you well and hope you have an awesome 2025! You kick ass dude!
Sorry to hear about what your going through take all the time you need to work though it and on yourself your own well-being should always be priority number one and I have updated the f95 thread with this information as well so people over there are aware of what's going on.
Take all the time you need. We'll be here. I went through a bad depression years ago and I'm better now, but at times I do have small bouts of it, so I understand. Here's to a better 2025 for you.
Take all the time you need for yourself. We love you enough to still be here when you get back. Take care and thanks for letting us know how you are.
I just want to say that I've just read it and I subscribed. And before you say anything I didn't do it cuz' I pity you and not cuz' I now know that you'll suspend payments (I can always unsubscribe). I wanted to try TaH for quite some time and it's only ok, in my opinion, if I pay for it. My single subscription won't change a thing but I want to show my understanding. I also have my personal reasons for it that I don't want to share here. Take all the time you need. I wish 2025 will be better for you, hang in there.
I certainly hope my pleas not asking for sympathy weren't seen as dismissive. I understand when people care, they want to offer help. The topic is just something I've found no value in discussing over the years, as I felt it forces the other party to have an obligation to give encouragement or "things will get better", etc. For me, just an understanding that I'm doing my best and have some hidden struggles is enough. But completely separate from that, I'm still grateful for anyone who chooses to throw a sub my way. It sounds cliche, but each person does more than they think they do. Even the smallest donation carries the message "Your passion was worth my investment" and that is a humbling thought. I truly hope you find some joy and entertainment trying out TaH :)
I have also suffered from depression since a young age. Tried all sorts of remedies, but mushrooms is what turned it all around for me about 3 years ago. My completely anecdotal experience, but it changed my life. I was at the worst lowest point I had ever been and I was desperate to try anything. I have never drank, smoked, or done any other drug in my life, with the exception of OTC pain meds like Tylenol. Tried mushrooms in May of 2021 with a friend, the did them some more alone. Changed my life. Not saying you should try them or that you would have the same experience as me, but even my friends and family champion psilocybin after seeing how positively it affected me.
I've never done any recreational drugs outside of occasional alcohol, but I'll admit I've been really curious about psychedelics in recent years, almost as if I'm being drawn to them (maybe an unconscious effort to seek relief). I haven't seriously decided to give one a try yet, since there's always that small chance it does more harm. But I've heard of others who have had similar experiences to yours, so I'm keeping the option on the table.
I hope for a better 2025 for you