Progress Report 24-06
This is a difficult post to write, and I've debated doing it. But there's a lot that I feel I need to share in order to be transparent and keep you all informed.
I am struggling.
This isn't specifically with TaH, but with all of what life demands of me. I've experienced burnout a few periods in life that's caused me to take radical shifts in my life/career. I've been adamant that I wouldn't fall victim to it again and I have been denying it (to myself mostly), but all the signs are there. I used to dedicate 70+ hours a week with TaH development, which is on top of regular life requirements (TaH is not my full-time job). Since March I've cut that number a bit, but I think the last 2 years have started to catch up with me. There's a handful of factors playing their part, including financials, health, and a list of other things that don't need details here.
What problems is it causing? It's mostly feelings of emptiness and being overwhelmed. It saps all my creativity. I feel blank, useless, and I want to "check out" from all responsibility. I can stare at the screen and all intentions of what I wanted to write or the visuals I wanted to create vanish.
While making the first two episodes, and a large part of the third one, visualizing how everything would advance and play out was very easy for me. But this has not been happening during my work on Ep4 and is my largest warning flag.
When I started TaH, one of the biggest promises to myself was that I would not put myself in a position where I can be accused of milking my project, audience, and supporters. And currently I find my situation to appear dangerously close to that, and so I am forced to speak up.
There's also a second reason why I decided to open up about this now. Perhaps it'll be a form of therapy for myself. Maybe making you all aware of my struggles will spark something in my brain. Maybe I'll hold myself more responsible and accountable. Maybe it'll help me to squash whatever blocks are holding me back.
It's important that I specify I'm not asking for help, or pity, or encouragement. I'm not asking for anything. If you still feel inclined to do any of that, I will receive it gratefully. But I am not out here seeking attention for my problems; I normally keep my troubles to myself and am okay handling it in silence. I understand my laundry list of issues are not as severe as others may have, but they are crippling nonetheless. I will find a way to deal with them, as I always have.
Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I must clarify something. I am continuing production of TaH to its completion, as I've promised in the past. Nothing outside my power is stopping me from doing so right now. I am not going into hiding; I will still be available through Discord and I don't foresee any changes in how I engage with everyone. So please do not take this as an announcement that you are disturbing me with your messages! It's quite the opposite; I love being able to talk back with you, even if I'm sometimes busy and slow to respond.
This entire post was me convincing myself to take action by admitting my problems, and now I can't secretly hide from them anymore. I've told myself I will need to take a few days in the near future to completely detach from my computer and clean up around home just so my environment feels more organized, and I feel my brain will benefit from that. It's possible there may not be any update/content/promo release next week if that happens.
But I won't end this without giving you at least a little info about Ep4. Right now I'm going through a reorganization of the outline. There were some plotlines I was overlooking and may need to structure things differently. Once again, it comes down to me creating order from all this chaos.
Lastly, I'm super thankful for everyone who has helped support me with donations and subs. I can't say this enough. TaH wouldn't have gotten as far as it has without it. (Seriously. I know it's a small amount compared to the hours I've put in, but I'd be in such a money hole without it.) But if you ever feel like I'm not delivering on my end, then don't feel obligated to support financially. Don't let me unintentionally take advantage of you. I very much want our relationship to be mutually beneficial.
Thank you for reading this far. And above all else, take care of yourselves.
-ckr
Comments (6)
i know its late but i love your work and i feel your writing is very amazing i had to play what you had i am so glad you gave us amazing story line in your work im willin g to wait as long as it takes
I have just re-subscribed to your Patreon today as a direct result of this latest post, if for no other reason than to show my continued support for you during your current struggle. I have experienced the exact same feelings that you have - I worked on the periphery of the RPG industry (print, not PC) for a number of years and often used to wonder whether it was all worth the effort (definitely on a financial level). When I look back on those times now though, I realise that it was one of the most creatively rewarding periods of my life, and I don't regret for an instant having pursued a dream at that time. One of the hardest things to deal with at the time was the limited feedback from the consumers. It was only many years later that I found out that some of the work I had done during that time was very highly regarded by a number of fans, and that what I had done meant a lot to them. I therefore want you to know that a lot of us AVN users genuinely LOVE what you are doing. We care about the characters you have created, the story you are telling and the visual skills you display with every screen of Trouble At Home. We want to see you succeed - you seem like a genuinely humble and grateful creator and deserve any success that comes your way. Have you thought about releasing what you already have on Steam as a method to generate more income to at least free you from some of the financial burden at least? I think it would do very well on Steam as it is at least equal to many other AVNs already out there. I hope these few words help a little bit - I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and there are fans out there who really care about you and your creativity. Hang in there and much love and support to you.
What you said was very moving to me in the moment, so thank you. I know many people enjoy what I do in silence, and that is okay. But hearing it now and then is certainly nice :) When it comes to a Steam release, there are a lot of factors in play that are making it complicated. And I'm not sure if I can get answers/resolutions to them prior to submitting the game, which is a risk.
Kind of crying here. Sends a virtual hug your way. :) I may not have experienced the exact things you have, but I went through a bad depression years ago so I can maybe understand some of your troubles. I want to say more, but I'll leave that for Discord. Hope you feel better, and I've really enjoyed your game and talking to you online.
A colleague of mine did have burnout. He cut his hours by 25% and was prescribed antidepressants by a neurologist for a year. They helped with his mood and had no side effects for him. He is now doing well and has just phased out the antidepressants. But he's keeping the reduced working hours.
Hope things get better