Fuck'it and Chuck'it

I chucked flower seeds into the neglected patches of my garden.

People gift me flower seeds because they know I like gardening and I mean it when I tell them I'm so excited to plant them but then they (the seeds, not my friends) go in my drawer for gardening tools and ephemera for "later" and later never comes because they're FLOWER SEEDS and, for some inexplicable reason in my brain, FLOWERS need to be treated "RIGHT". Flowers are not hardy  like vegetables! Those fuckers are robust. They're built to grow thick and strong and produce food that fills you up and nourishes you. Flowers are delicate, flowers are decoration, flowers need thought and care and planning and that's just not how I garden.

Every time I have planted proper flower seeds, I put so much more thought into- well- everything, and then they rarely ever actually grow to maturity, if they grow at all. (NOTE: BasicBitch poppies are my giant exception here. Those fuckers grow and spread like fire)

So I have all these flower seeds from friends, right? And I've got some patches in my front and back yards that are just weed plots currently. Now's as good a time as any to put the two together!

Starting with my Lupin seeds (a gift from my neighbor who collected them from their own plant), I de-weeded a row against the fence and carefully measured out enough distance to plant each seed the recommended space apart, with a little marker denoting the location of each one. They got that back row because they can grow tall and my plan was to seed each subsequent row with shorter flowering plants, to create this mounting floral effect when seen from across the yard. Obviously the Nasturtiums would line the front row, as they are the shortest species from my collection. But what about the several middle rows? Some seeds produce big thick bushy plants, other a single bloom atop a slender stalk, and then there are the species that produce something in between. Worst of all, how do you account for the potential height variations? What if I unknowingly planted something that would hide the thing behind it??? Plus, I still needed to weed the rest of the patch before I could put more seeds in.

I froze with indecision. 

My original anxiety about planting flowers was holding me in place again, as it had for years, because what if I do it wrong? What if everything is ruined because I can't do this right? What if I'm a fuck up and failure and too stupid to do the simple things that normal people can do? What if all my worst beliefs about myself are proven true because I can't plant these flowers right?

So, I chucked them.

Zinnias, Blue Boy Bachelor's Buttons, Teasel.

I poured them into my hand and threw them.

Calendula, Echinacea, Datura.

I hadn't even fully weeded the rest of the plot first.

Cosmos, Lupins, Sweat Peas.

I tried various techniques of chucking the seeds, like holding one hand out flat like a platter serving seeds and then used the other hand to swipe off that seed layer, like that iconic "make it rain" motion that is synonymous with showering dollars onto strippers in the club.

I pinched seeds between my fingers and rubbed as if I were seasoning a meal with salt. 

But my favorite was the overhand throw. It was immensely satisfying to watch the arch of seeds shower down across my weedy garden bed.

FUCK IT.

Fuck it fuck it, fuck it.

The plot isn't weeded. Fuck it.

The species aren't labeled and organized. Fuck it.

It's probably not even the right season for them in the first place, who knows? It's not like I read all the packets for their growing instructions. Fuck it.

Fuck it and chuck it.

Chuck those fucking seeds and find out next year what happens. 

----------------------------

I wrote a draft of the above in my Patreon Community Chat thing, which I would link you to but it's only accessible directly on the app so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯But if you're using the app: I've been posting almost-daily photos over there.