A Letter to January Erika
Last year, I went forward in my calendar to January 2025 and left a note. It contained a link to a post I wrote to myself in February 2024.
It's called Dear January Erika and while I encourage you to just read the thing I already wrote, I'll also summarize it for those of you who don't have time to be reading year-old blog posts.
TL;DR:
It is January and you are pretty depressed because it's dark and cold and your body is in hibernation-mode. Don't worry, you will start to naturally feel better in February as the sunlight and warmth infinitesimally increase. This literally happens every year.
I have two things to note:
1) The Winter Depression actually hit me hardest in December this year! But, you know what? I actually did remember this time around that I'm having a reaction to the cold and darkness, and that I'm not just turning into an eternal slug of sadness for the rest of my life. Progress!
and
2) WOW.
That letter to my January self was written before I got my menopause diagnosis.
Even well before the winter darkness, I was basically sleeping my life away. I was so weak and so fatigued and was losing control of my limbs to the point where I got a freaking spinal tap because my doctor thought I had Multiple sclerosis. In the middle of my spinal tap, some important machine(?) died and I wound up having to get a second one in a different room.
I had menopause so bad I got two spinal taps.
It turns out, all I needed was estrogen!
Now I wear my little patch and I actually have a life again!
I went from sleeping for two straight weeks a month and too weak to support my own weight to now I only have a couple days a month where I crash out and sleep most of the day.
Haha, at 40 my estrogen was so low it was actually in the "Post Menopausal" zone on one of my charts. This one official-looking website says that on average post-menopause starts around 52 years old. If menopause was a high school, I'd be put in the Gifted Program U_U
My symptoms had been getting worse for years, starting around age 35, and none of the many doctors I consulted even considered menopause-- and neither did I! When you think about menopause stereotypes, you think "hot flashes, rage, dry vagina". Those weren't my issues! In hindsight, I realize I was having hot flashes, but they were so mild, I'd just get a warm flush every now and then, certainly nothing to make me sweat or tear my clothes off like a caricature of a menopausal middle age woman.
Oh, hey. So I was just gunna share the link to Dear January Erika and offer a little pep talk to anybody who's raw dogging winter sadness. I wasn't planning on writing about menopause? How does that even happen. And now it's 3:25 pm and I need to get on my bike to head home before 3:30 pm so I beat the sun setting.
This is my abrupt sign-off!
I'm so grateful I can ride my bike again!
Thank you, Estrogen!
Merry Menopause to all who celebrate (whether they want to or not),
Erika
Comments (8)
Still so fucking wild that you went through all that. Seasonal depression is already the worst and your hormones were like "Watch this." I'm taking an extra aggressive stance against my seasonal depression this year, if only in the form of doubling up my vitamin D intake. I know it's already made a huge difference because for I forgot to load my pill organizer properly one time and was only taking a single D pill. Boy howdy, that week was... rough. I wish happy lights didn't give me sensory headaches! Here's to the chemicals that regulate our emotions 🥂
I am envious that estrogen has helped you this much already! How long did it take for you to start feeling relief? I'm 5-6 weeks into the combo progesterone pill and estrogel, and so far the only improvement I see is in vaginal dryness. My elbows are both suffering from tendonitis, I still get hot flashes especially at night, and my libido is in the toilet. Tell me it gets better!
I think I was noticeably doing better with the fatigue about a month in. I'm using a hormonal IUD for the progesterone and the Estradiol patch-- I tried to use some estrogen cream in addition to that to help with the vag dryness but it just irritated my poor cootch so I stopped after a couple days :c My libido is non-existent and I have a lot of feelings about it! I'm vaguely planning on doing an OJST comic about it at some point??? So, yes, it does get better in some departments! Still trying to navigate the other ones /:)
You totally win at menopause! I stopped bleeding at 49 and my GP frowned: "That's early." Ha!
That’s another thing that made it take so long to get diagnosed: I had switched to a hormonal IUD that stopped my period so I didn’t have that to use as a sign of my menopausing 😩
People with mood disorders (i.e. depression, anxiety, bi-polar, etc.) always have to be extra vigilant during the winter months. I have two happy lights: one I have on my desk when I'm writing and another I use as a reading lamp. They really do make a difference!
Holy cats! Here's to past Erika for rawdogging all that!
💪💪💪