YKS The Mag #29

Well, they got the big guy again huh? He’s in timeout from posting and the mean ladies down at the office say he can’t come to work anymore. I’m sure he’s really, really mad. Or maybe he’s happy. Well, at least he’s going crazy with all the rumors of prosecution and stuff. Or maybe he knows it’s all for show. That’s the deal with Trump, and maybe all powerful people -- they don’t think like us because they don’t live in the same world we do, so trying to project our own thought processes and opinions and problems onto them is just a big wasted effort. If I had fucked up as many times as Trump has, I would be freaking out and losing my shit! But I couldn’t fuck up that many times. His getting to fuck up that many times is a privilege he maintains as a super rich psycho who also happens to be the most powerful man on Earth. We are not the same.

Still -- and here I will pause to emphasize very strongly how badly I did not want to do this -- my old post about Trump wriggling his way out of jams deserves a little more credit than this, I think.

I don’t want to do a big Eric Garlandy thing about it because that guy sucks and also it’s a stupid joke that isn’t funny and is written by a dumbass. But I’ve been thinking a lot this week about it, and someone with News Brain (even if he’s nice, which he probably is) thinking that the sentiment behind it has outlived its usefulness just sticks in my damn craw.

Trump got banned from Twitter and Facebook and TikTok. He got impeached twice, and maybe he will get convicted this time. It sounds like there may be some banks who don’t want to fuck with him that much anymore (publicly, anyway). But he already won. He won when he was born, and kept winning for like 70-whatever years after that, despite almost everything he tried to do. He couldn’t lose if he wanted to, and at times, it kind of seemed like he did want to!

Trump lost to Joe Biden, but the last four years still happened. He still got to put a bunch of total goose stepping lunatics on the bench around the country. He made who knows how much money with all the slush funds and fake loans and new members of his country clubs. He got to do a lot of crimes. Whether he gets the security detail and travel budget after he’s gone is sort of immaterial. Paying for him to have government protection while he flies around the world to walk in on beauty pageant contestants or unconvincingly gum a sandwich in the lobby of one of his buildings would just be insult to injury. But I think we already got plenty fuckin injured!

Trump will always have been the president. We gotta live with that, and he gets to. He will probably die in like 12 years, in his big fluffy space bed, of old age, and get a nice state funeral and be in all the history books. Some people will be sitting in the Trump Presidential Library reading about how he was somewhat controversial among a fringe element of atheist hippie cop haters when they hear the news, and they’ll cry. He’ll get his statue or pyramid or something, and then we’ll have another 100 years of Trump kids slithering around in all the systems, gumming up the works with his nasty parasitic genes. Trump won, and he won big, and it’ll last forever.

What fuckin’ jam could possibly make up for all that?

2020 the Board Game - $1172 of $27.5k

14 backers 29 days to go

2020 was so bad...let’s play a game of it. Yeah that wasn’t on my bingo card. Meanwhile 2021 says hold my beer. Stupid. If there’s one thing you should have learned from 2020 it’s that we all hate board games. Life, Clue, Connect Four, Sorry...this shit is trash! We tried it! Remember doing puzzles? How fast was that shit over, man? God. I think we did one puzzle and it felt like we were heating up coals in a cast iron pan to put at the end of the bed. That era is over with. And I would much rather pull out the fuckin stupid little car with the little pink people that wanna fly out of the piece of shit like Aubrey McClendon and drive it around making $60,000 as a doctor (???) until I get to Retirement Estates (???) a hundred times before I played 2020 the game.

Don't Be A Baby! - $101 of $4k

5 backers 23 days to go

I’ve been going through and selling some old games I found in the garage. A few of them are worth the hassle, but of course, like with any other mass produced good, most are not. And really the monetary value has a totally incoherent relationship to the actual quality of the game itself. A “loose” copy of Super Mario Bros, which could fairly uncontroversially be deemed one of the most important games of all time, goes for about $12 on eBay; “Bubble Bath Babes”, which looks hot as hell but has a review of 2.5/5 from the fine folks at Honest Gamers, can fetch over $400. That’s supply and demand for ya.

Maybe one of the less common games I have sitting in a dirty ass garage tote will become more valuable someday. Or maybe the plastic case will yellow and rot, eventually degrading the capacitors on the board to the point that Space Fighters 87 would explode your house if you tried to pop it in your reproduction Famicom. I don’t know. I just want the shit out of here. If I ever want to play Mario I will download a rom and play it on a $3000 computer like a total goon ape moron. I’m not getting out a fuckin RF splitter again. That shit sucked ass.

Meet: A luxury self-cleaning App-Controll cat toilet - $2 of 91k

2 backers 28 days to go

Like I was saying to Mike on the show, I got fed up waiting on the kitty litterbox we got scammed out of on What The Fund, so I just ended up pulling the trigger on one for my own self. Not everything has to be content. Sometimes you just buy stuff you gotta buy. And then write about it later in your paid newsletter. I bought this one, I’ll just tell you now. And it’s gone up by $10 since I bought it so it’s probably a good investment.

It doesn’t have a self-leveling system, a heartbeat sensor, or pod bay doors, but the cat goes in there and shits. Seems to work pretty well. I just bought it at the store instead of hoping it gets turned into a store later on. Good concept for buying stuff.

Jesse

PRAYERS BOOKING App, like a "Uber". Spirit work & donations! - $2649 of $305k From Kai

7 backers 13 days to go

Well they canceled this one. And no I’m not talking about the “Jim Jordans on the House floor” type of canceling, I mean they stopped taking money for their scam voluntarily.

There’s a lot of land mines on a project like this. You got the language barrier thing, the religion quagmire, and at a certain point you gotta ask if the guy’s just nuts or what. On the other hand, it’s pretty scummy to charge people to pray for ‘em, even if prayer is real, and I think he just stole a bunch of videos of other Christians talking about Christian stuff. One lady is talking about the altar she has in her house for like, ten minutes. Which is fine, maybe! It’s just not on topic.

And this...come on with this!! Nobody can read this man! Fuck!

The Billionaire Suit - $95k

135 backers -- IndieGoGo In Demand

There’s probably something to be said for the knee-jerk equation of “billionaire” to good, how the grotesque accumulation of (other people’s) wealth is revered to the point that simply attaching the descriptor to some dipshit blazer is supposed to make it desirable to the right kind of guy. But I’ve had Millionaire’s Bacon and really liked it. So who the hell am I to preach? Can you imagine ordering that? Not just bacon, but the Millionaire’s variety? That’s how good it is, that I was so willing to say that out loud. I still say “large” at Starbucks. And don’t get me started on those guys!

Everyone knows I don’t have much occasion to wear a suit, so I won’t go to the mat about whether or not this is a good one. But this just looks like a slim guy wearing a normal suit, doesn’t it? It looks fine! He looks like he has about $700, not a billion. Big difference I’m pretty sure. The $700 Having Guy Suit. Not as good.

Zip & Tone - $159k

1151 backers -- IndieGoGo In Demand

I remember when I was a kid, my buddy and I would do dumb shit to hurt each other for fun. I guess every little dipshit boy did that. And hey maybe some girls did, too. I don’t know what girls did when I was 9 years old because I was gross and couldn’t get near one. But we liked to roll down hills and jump off ramps and stuff like that. Anyway, one time I was over at this fella’s house and I guess the starter from his dad’s BBQ had fallen off somehow or another: a shameful predicament. That should be repaired or replaced right away, and disposed of properly, lest it fall into the possession of some grubby little moron kids. At the time, of course, I thought nothing of it.

Because we were stupid assholes, we’d take the BBQ starter and shock each other with it. You know, grab the roughly lighter-shaped thing, stick it on a leg, and depress the red ignition with your thumb. It actually delivered a bit of a jolt, and was probably the most fun thing we could do outside of watching a guy sell knives on a 9” TV. Shit sucked back then, but we made do. After a while, we started getting these huge quad muscles, I mean some real Hulk Hogan type of shit…

No we didn’t. Of course we didn’t. That is fake. This is a fake thing. It just hurt a while and left a red spot. Which was its own reward! And that’s life, folks.

And that is the YKS Newsletter Magazine for another week. Thanks everyone and stay frosty