YKS The Mag Issue #15
Hello everyone and welcome once again to the YKS Newsletter. Here we take you on a wild ride through the Shit of the Week and come out on the other side as clean as a piece of paper or whatever it was that Morgan Freeman says in Shawshank. That Ol’ Andy Dufresne....he crawled through a bunch of poop and pee and by the end of it, well, I reckon he stunk pretty bad due to some of the poops got into his pockets and we didn’t have washing machines back then. He walked all the way to Mexico with them turds in his pockets, but that was his dream. And hell. It was my dream too. All them turds. And nowhere to go, but up. Been a while since I’ve seen the film. Anyway let’s talk about some of these things.
I think it’s egocentric and self-deluding to launch into a tirade about stuff that’s “uniquely American”. It’s also very easy and tempting, because America is nuts and everyone in it seems to have re-wired their brains to flush out dopamine when something really stupid happens. But despite knowing that people in other countries, and from other times, and in as-yet undiscovered alien civilizations are also cruel, brainless dopes who would enthusiastically smash themselves on the head with a mallet before being helpful or even mildly curious, when I see stuff like the BoxLock, I can’t help but think, “Yeah that is some America shit to me.”
Look. We order stuff. It’s not great to do it, but we all do. Or I do, anyway. The post office comes by and drops some Amazon stuff off, then you got the UPS guy and the FedEx gal and the DHL trebuchet. Hey it’s a wonder they don’t meet up for coffee while they’re here haha. But that’s the way the world is. It might be better, in some ways, if we saved up all our wants and needs for one day a month, then went down to the General Store and bought it all at once. Get your eggs, and your vacuum bags, and a wireless e-pen that charges via magnetic induction and floats over the base and plays Claire de Lune when it’s done charging. That way the package vans wouldn’t be all over your neighborhood, and people could have more jobs around town at the General Store instead of at the Piss Bottle/No Snacking Warehouse. Maybe that would be better.
Then again, the General Store would probably end up a pretty powerful entity in town, having all those employees to order around. And I imagine those jobs would become an important political instrument at some point or another. Imagine if the General Store moved out of town! Oh hey the General Store is expanding, but they need a tax break -- it’ll create more jobs! Everyone buying everything they need from there probably means they can set their own prices, too. Tough to compete with that. They got it all. Of course, all the stuff still comes from China, or India, and before that the Earth. And going to the store saved the delivery guy a trip, but hell the gas is getting burnt up either way. Outside of moving away from any General Stores and, coincidentally, the need to have any of the stuff in them, ending up with most of this shit seems pretty inevitable. Bummer.
What’s not inevitable, though, is making the acquisition of the shit such an important aspect of your being that someone ganking some AA batteries and a Chrissy Teigen springform pan off your porch will ruin your life. That part you have some control over. You don’t have to run after the getaway minivan and reach into the open sliding door to get your little gewgaw back. And you don’t have to put spike strips around your porch with a little Spuds McKenzie holding a sign that says “Smile Your On Camera” either. Fucking relax! Stuff is just stuff. It wasn’t even yours yet. Are you gonna fuckin pull your gun if someone takes a banana out of your cart in the checkout line? Christ sake.
I already knew it was completely perverted to have a proprietary junk receptacle permanently installed on your house, but finding out that the drivers won’t even fuck with it sent me over the edge. I love it. They hate seeing your little lock and your note and your Very Serious Emails to their supervisors. They probably write “handed directly to customer” just to fuck with you now! You look like a real dickhead. Unless you’re getting your medicine in the mail (which, uhh, hope that’s going good) nothing you get is that important. They can send another one, you’re not gonna lose any money, no one is mad at you. You wanna put something on your porch so bad how about a nice rocking chair. Give the delivery person a place to chill. Their job is hard.
I don’t really need to hear anything else from this lunch-loving, Sam Elliott-soundalike Mechanical Engineer EXCEPT what he told his graphic designer to put in the bowl.
Best guess is “Spaghetti-O’s”, but the rings are way too big and there’s no sauce. So maybe you say, well, it’s pretzels? In the microwave? In a glass bowl, sure, but surely he’s not refrigerating and then heating up some Rold Gold for lunch. There’s definitely turds in there though. The brown goop on the side looks like a squished up poop. Hey at least it’s not fish!
Adult version of Go Fish. Feels like we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here, right? The dildo doesn’t even look right. It should look more like...
I hate this guy so much...I know what I’ll do. I’ll make a portrait of him. You know, like they do in the actual White House. Of course I won’t use that one. I’ll use one of just his face, so you can really see who it is and identify him immediately. I’ll spend a lot of time looking at his face and thinking about him, then modeling the face in as faithful and accurate a way as I possibly can. To own him. Bwahaha.
And that’s not even the best part. Most portraits use a traditional medium like pen & ink, paint, or even digital! Not me though. I’m going to spend a bunch of money on metal dildos, and I don’t know why they’re metal sorry. They’re really rusty and I won’t have anything to do with them after the portrait gets destroyed for being sucky and stupid (instantly). Also you can’t tell I made it out of dildos because of the point of view. Anyway hope that helps.
When you got this guy with his balled up wet towel brain singing your praises you know you fucked up.
Cheers to this developer for having apparently produced an app before. The mock-ups are clean, the videos are coherent if a bit simple, and the monetization strategy is obvious. However, I want to talk about this:
You’re out one day with the family, walking in and out of different stores looking for a quick bite to eat. Everyone is tired and a bit hangry at this point, so after the fifth store or so you decide to settle with whichever store you’re in at the moment. Menu in hand, you glaze over the extensive list and at the same time you’re shuffling your way through the line leading to that fated order. When it comes time for you to order you still have no idea what to get and not wanting to hold up the line you spit out a random item off of the menu not knowing what what you just ordered tastes like, let alone looks like. Twenty minutes tick by and you finally receive your food. You take the first bite and pass it down to the next person. The food goes around one time and one time only. Everyone’s disappointed with the food, no one wants to take a second bite, and your stomachs are still empty.
This is the issue I faced almost every time I went out and ultimately is the inspiration for this app.
??????????????
Are people really eating family style for every meal? That’s the only way I can make sense of this. You had me at order anxiety, you had me at disappointed with the food, but everyone hating every dish? And the way to fix that is with samples???
The copy kept referring to restaurants as “stores” so I knew they were on some other shit from me. I am letting this one go with god.
What was once a generally harmless industry, has transformed into a powerhouse that's confused between differentiating hate speech from privacy, and has enacted dangerous precedents for the future of social media that could very well become detrimental to society at large.
I wish I was still 20 and dumb. Now I’m old and dumb. Much worse combo. I guess I could have said I wish I was old and smart. But....I kinda don’
“Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.” Isn’t that what the Hooters shirts say? Never looked at one myself. Wouldn’t know. I used to get Hooters a lot but would only get to-go. And I just had them throw it in the back of the truck as I drove by. Lost a lot of wings and damn near cost a fortune but that’s the way I liked it. Anyway this room looks like the waiting area outside Swinger Heaven.
Church Dog believes that there is a universal need for a more kindheartedness. We live in a world where too often people only look for the ugly and bad in themselves and each other. The goal of this adventure series is to ignite the hearts of children and open their eyes to a loving God, who sees all people as the beautiful and special individuals they are.
Fuck you, ya piece of trash!
Alright that’s it. Stick around for Conan! Goodnight!