YKS The Mag Issue #11

A lot of stuff is not for me. Actually, most things are not for me. There are maybe 5-6 things that are, total, on all of Earth. So when there’s a new thing that comes out, the odds that it slots in as one of my new things are not that good. And if all I ever did was say that the new thing that just came out sucks and I don’t like it, it wouldn’t take very long before people started to wonder if that’s all I ever did. Maybe it would be! 

Sometimes it’s really bad, though. 

“I like the idea that I’m inspiring the next generation to make fun of our president,” says Cooper. She’s sitting in a WeWork, in Brooklyn, talking over Zoom and radiating the vibe of an adjunct professor: witty, smart, a dab neurotic. Cooper is wearing the navy blazer from her videos, eschewing orange makeup and tawny wigs in favor of much simpler Trumpian drag. In a few hours she’ll appear on The Tonight Show, where a clap-happy Jimmy Fallon will disintegrate with laughter as Cooper debuts “How to Water,” based on a 2019 interview in which Trump rambled about water conservation: “We’re looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms….”

Sarah Cooper’s schtick is well-known to essentially everyone who would read this, but I will emphasize that the central comedic thesis to her work is that it is funny to see someone who is not Donald Trump saying things that Donald Trump has said. This thesis has been proven false over and over again, by SNL and Comedy Central and I don’t know, probably Andy Borowitz, too. Donald Trump is a massive piece of shit, but he is also very funny and certifiably nuts. When you try to riff on his bits you are trying to punch up something a hilarious insane guy already did a pass on. You can’t make a weirder face than him. You can’t have more spastic movements than him. You definitely cannot sound more ridiculous than him. And when you’re just saying what he already said, you’re not even trying to say something dumber (not that you could, anyway). So what the fuck are you doing? It can’t work. It’s obvious why it can’t work. And yet it does, on so many people. They don’t want to laugh at Trump because he’s evil, but they know the shit is funny. So Sarah Cooper launders it for them. It’s ok to laugh because it’s not really him, they think. But it is. We all know it is.

Though Cooper’s disdain for Trump is clear, MAGA true believers have praised her work: “I really thought I was going to get a ton of hate mail. [But] that hasn’t happened because, on some level, they’re entertaining to his supporters as well. I don’t know how to feel about that.” 

Interesting! I wonder if there would be a time to sit and consider if my parody/satire/criticism is really as effective as I want it to be -- ah, nope! Off to do a Zoom with Corden where I say “they’re not sending their best hombres” but in a cute top for some reason.

Cooper will use this weird infatuation to branch out into TV or books or whatever perpetual grift you can sink into if you don’t say or do anything interesting, which is fine. She definitely is no less deserving of doing that stuff than anyone else doing it. I hope she writes a new Adventurers movie, or The Office 2, or whatever she wants to get out of it. But nobody will ever be able to convince me that this is good. You can’t piss into a Mr. Coffee and get Taster’s Choice! 

Sarah Cooper Is Not For Me. 

Let’s do some Kickstarters.

Da old one: MagneTag -- Way back in 2018, a few young Fun-trepreneurs got together to see what would happen if you put some magnets in a piece of foam and hit your friends with it. This made everyone mad because we’re grown-ups and we love work! We left fun behind when we decided to stop saying stuff like “I’m going to survive the zombie apocalypse” and started saying cool adult stuff like “Hello sir I’m here to look at a piece of paper today” or whatever people say when they go to work. When old fat cats Mike and JF of WorkCorp Ent. saw that the Magnetag Gang had piled up an outrageous $13,572 they pulled their hair out and stomped around like crazy! That was money that could have gone to Profits!

Anyway they do show a lot of kids playing with this crap, which is exactly what kids like to do. My 6 year old started playing with this cardboard box a while ago. We got it from the Japanese restaurant because we had such a big order of food. A lot of it was salad so I don’t feel that bad about it but it is a different tier of pick-up when you can’t walk out of there with a bag. I look like a professional takeout guy. Pulling my little van up and getting a guy to dump a bunch of salad in the back before I peel out of there without even shutting the door. So this box, we have this fuckin box, and she tapes some wings on it and draws a face, and says she loves it so much. It’s her Birdy, and she’s going to keep it forever, then give it to her kids when she grows up. So this week I go to throw it out, and not only does she not care at all, she’s actually happy I’m doing it. She hates it now, and she chants “goodbye!” to it as I take it out to the trash can. That’s insane to me, but that’s kids for ya. That’s what they do. They play with a bunch of crap and then they get tired of it and then they get more crap. Adults are smarter than that of course. We do different stuff than that, I think. 

EZ-PG

Look, I’m not a damn psychiatrist. I don’t know what’s going on with people’s brains. Sometimes I try to use my brain to examine itself and it just turns into this big mess. Can’t do it. But earlier today I was thinking about the type of guy who files lawsuits all day long his whole life, and I realized that if you had to have a mental illness, that would be one of the good ones to get. 

You remember the Pants Lawyer? 

Pearson claimed that the owners of Custom Cleaners in D.C. lost a pair of suit pants and tried to give him a pair that weren’t his. He sued the owners in 2005, raising fraud and consumer protection claims. The case went to a bench trial in 2007 and his claims were rejected. The D.C. Court of Appeals upheld that decision in 2008.

During the litigation, the dry cleaner owners made three offers to settle, the largest being $12,000. Pearson rejected all three.

Pearson’s claims, according to the panel, “continually expanded throughout litigation and his liability and damages theories became more clear—and more outlandish—as the case progressed.” The panel described the total damages figure as “shocking in itself; simply put, Pearson asked the trial court to award him $67,292,000 because of his dissatisfaction with defendants’ dry cleaning services. But the constituent parts of that $67,292,000 total are equally troubling.”

The “constituent parts,” the panel said, included $90,000 to rent a car because he allegedly needed to patronize another dry cleaner; $3 million in emotional distress damages, and $10,000 immediately for ongoing services by the dry cleaner that he sued.

Maybe this was the only psycho lawsuit he ever filed, but he got a lot of the weirdness out in one go if so. Either way, that’s the manifestation of something. You got some hurt in your life if you’re doing that. And I’m not saying it’s good, but I think that maybe wanting to sue a McDonald’s for not putting enough pickles on your hamburger is better than being one of the Hoarders guys or someone who drinks their own pee. Sorry if anyone in here drinks their own pee. I don’t want to hear about it if you do. 

Lifelong inventors are very similar to frivolous litigators, to me. They’re both suffering from a divergent brainwave, and what it all basically boils down to for both of them is that they’re driven by brain chemicals to file paperwork constantly. It probably is pretty annoying for a lot of people in their orbits, but at least they aren’t taking a broadsword down to CitiBank and swinging it around. Or, hell, maybe that would be good to do! I don’t know. Pretty funny to imagine that you can solve your problems by walking out to the garage and gluing pieces of metal together though. 

Dreams, Premonitions, Mysteries Of My Life Diary

A somewhat less attractive form of mental illness here, I think. 

Our brains are mysterious and questionable to this day. Scientists do not understand the ability of certain people whom have extra senses such as the paranormal ability to have dream premonition, feelings of other people moods, people who have passed on and visit  in dreams. Some people are simply born with gifts.  We are either judged or accepted in life.  I would like my story to be told worldwide. To this day and until my last breathe I am blessed for this gift. I am 1 percent of human population that is ambidextrous, and also living without a pituitary gland since 1996, had a near death experience as a child, and almost died twice.  These dream premonitions and feelings are real and it does not stop. My story will astonish you forever.

This is true...Scientists don’t understand why people think they have secret brain powers. Or maybe they do and they’re just busy NOT RETURNING MY LETTERS! Haha just kidding. I don’t write letters to scientists. But you can. Their addresses are out there. 

Whatever this lady’s deal is, I guarantee I would not be astonished by her story forever. I don’t think I have ever been astonished for more than maybe 15 seconds, tops, when I dropped a napkin in midair and caught it or something. She clearly thinks it’s astonishing that she can see ghosts or goblins, and that it would capture my attention forever. Well guess what, The FREAKING Pentagon says there’s aliens and nobody barely bats an eye! That’s how crazy 2020 is!!! You think ghosts are making the front page? They wouldn’t even trend on Twitter, lady!

Clean Multi Cleaner

Garbage. 

Breathing Pen - A Fidget for Your Breath

If this helps your anxiety you have a different kind from me, I think. I’m going nuts because of the particulars of my life and the general state of the world. I’m breathing fine, it just sucks here.

In the face of stress, it is difficult to transition your body and mind into a calm state. ULEX activates your body’s natural stress relief mechanism with proper breathing. When you anticipate a threat, your body reacts by raising your heart rate, blood pressure, and respiratory rate - an instinctive response of survival known as the “fight-or-flight” reflex.

From there, of course, you’ll just suck on this pen. After that, the rest is up to you. And the pen. 

Positive Police Interactions

If you ever watch a video from these, I think this should be it. This guy sucks so bad, and he is just bent over gasping for air while he walks around his big fuckin boat of an import sedan. But at least his message is good. 

Many times we do not understand law enforcement’s behavior and it is often viewed as rude, hostile, and even violent.  However, law enforcement's behavior is based on training and experiences…

OH! Okay! ??????????????????

My Shitty Family

It’s so funny to see these games getting churned out all the time, because you know exactly who it’s for. It’s for the people who want to pretend to be nasty racists. Nasty racists aren’t really doing it, because they can just do it without the game. Anti-racists (and -sexists, etc.) aren’t booting these things up because they know it’s stupid bullshit. So the only ones that are left are secret racists! They want to act nasty but they don’t want anyone to get mad at them for it (Cooper’s Dilemma). They really get something out of pulling a card that says “Pretend to hate black guys” and then they go, well hey, look at the card, man. I can’t say no! I gotta do what the card says haha. Now let me think what I might say in that situation…..don’t have anything prepared here….Fuckin’ freaks. Just play Scrabble.

Ok that’s it. Thanks everyone. YKS Premium on Friday. See ya then.