Update: the Coming Year

(hey, this is long, don't feel obligated to read it all, just letting thing out and planning things, asking questions and such, thank you.)

Hey, so i've been thinking about how you word and portray thing, but i'm finding hard to organize, so i'm just gonna start talking and if it seems that i'm rambling, i'm sorry, it's just hoe things are coming out. so, i've been thinking about how art and stuff, and how to hand this year, and reflecting on the past year too... so...

Art:

how do you peeps fell about it? I've feel like i've gotten... slower. like it's nor a bad thing, cause that slowing is me spending extra time cleaning and refining a pic, but i use to put out like 3 or 4 pic a week, and during that time is when i had my bigger growth in a lotta ways, so it's staring to feel like i'm falling behind a bit, but i've always felt like that so, whatever.

also, speaking of spending extra time on pic, what about the pic with the more dynamic shading( like that Akane, Aoi, shower Ashlynn, Mina and such)? do you enjoy it? it takes a bit of extra time to do them, and i think they turn out okay, but they really do get any more attention than my regular shading, so they barely feel worth the time, tho it is good practice and all.

Alts:

So, the alt versions of pic, you like them, right? I kinda use them as a little bonus for you peeps that support me here, but i can't help but feel that... i don't know. i make them with the intent that i can i can have an image that can have multiple versions with having to spend an excessive amount of time making alts, but... is it lazy i guess. i make the drawing with the ability that i can just add clothes and milk without having to mess with the base too much, but it's a little limiting. i haven't really drawn much boob squish and skindentation cause i have to get 2 pics with alts out a week and if i wanted to really to, i know i can do better with more layering and stuff, but... i know it WILL take way more time, and i already feel a bit pressed for it. i don't know, thoughts?

Social media:

So... it's been a bum year, in fact... it's been like 2 or 3 bum years...

X/Twitter has see Nothing but drops... i'm now lucky if something breaks 200 likes it seems. to be fare, it's always been an uphill battle on that site, i'm not shadow banned, i'm just not visible, and i never seem to be( that's not true, that Ochako pic sent me into the spotlight for like for a year or so, but that's long over). in fact, that time i had the most growth was when i was doing 3 or 4 pic a week, drawing 8 to 10 hours every day... it was not healthy, but it was when i was rewarded the most growth. i don't thing going back to that will help... also, i've done nothing but lose followers every year, and i KNOW i'm gonna hear "it's the Algorithm", but whatever, other's seem fine, other's seem in the same place as me, i don't get it.

Instagram, it's pretty much a Tsundere. i'm fine and get descent growth, then it randomly decides my stuffs not okay for them and stops my reach... then out of no where, we're cool again... i don't get it. the worse was the most recent one, when i could be recommended, but people 18 and under could see and follow me, for some reason, like what kind of since does that make!? as it stands, after not posting for a bit, i'm bake in good standing again, i didn't remove anything, i just stopped posting for my break and and fixed... whatever.

Pixiv and DA are fine, just galleries... that's all.

Bluesky... is kinda a let down, just cause of other people. i was told it was gonna be so much better, that it would be a great place for art and artist, and that it's all gonna be shaped by what people share. well, i've learn that people share like Twitter's algorithm. if you had an easy time growing on there, you'll have it easy here. if you've struggled and had slow growth like me, then prepare for more of the same. it's not really different all that much, just posting art and not get much back. the top post are still Discourse, just in a different flavor. like i said, just disappointed, but that's just cause of what i was told.

Personal Feeling, and getting over it:

this one is tough, cause i try my best to suppress my feelings, and not really talk about them to people, and if i do, it never seems to help much, i don't really get much sympathy, but mostly cause how is anyone suppose to get it. i live in two head spaces, i see so many artist grow and get better, and it's so Inspiring to see! i'll see and artist start and in like year, go from nothing, to a huge following, or some one that's had a hard time get that chance and Bam 40K! i see that and i'm like hell yeah! you can do it! see it is possible to do this!... and then that little voice goes " then why can't you? if it's so easy... why can't you do that too?" and my only answer i can think of is... i suck... i suck, my art sucks, and i haven't earned it yet... and i might never earn it... no matter how hard i try... i really want to make this work, but it's seems that i might of been doomed to fail before i even started, but that's nothing new. all my life i've pretty much fail at everything i try... i'm not sure why, i can put in all the time and effort and hard work, and i always come up short, by a fair amount too, it never seems to be "almost had it!" and always "wow, i never had a chance huh?" i swear, the second i started thinking "maybe i'm okay at this art thing" is the second that all this loss started, almost like a punishment for even thinking i was "just okay"...

i want to make this work... it has to.

i don't want to be stuck.

nothing wrong with service jobs, but, i... i can't. worse time of my life, and it was the only job i was good at it seems, and i hate it. i was too good at it, that they start making me work alone, freaking 12 hour days sometimes, making it so i only had 1 day off a week, but so i'd have no lunch breaks and all, it's sucked so much! and i had to FIGHT to get that job, for 2 years, nothing, barely that job, and it was horrible... i almost failed to get a terrible job, that's what i mean by always doomed to fail. i spent 2 years applying to places and got nothing, and almost didn't get the bad one.

sorry, and odd vent moment, but you get it i hope, what i mean by being " doomed to fail and everything i try"

sorry, this is long and i'm sure uninteresting, i'll move on and try not to feeling dump like this again, or.. not for a while, i'm sure no one's that interested.

Comms:

because of my art Schedule this year, i have not had time for Comms. i was able to do 2 i think, and i really had to make those work. with that said, i really need to figure out how to fit them in. the extra money they bring in is great, but i spend like 10 hours a day on stuff for posting and for you peeps on here, and trying to give myself weekends to not work on art means, well, not much time for comms, my only thought is maybe try one a month, but not sure how to fit it in. any feed back will be appreciated.

Streaming?:

i've been thinking about it for a while now, and now with the new computer, and a better router, maybe i should. in fact, i've been streaming the Danganronpa games that we hadn't play yet to my Cousin on Discord, and it's been fun, so maybe i should trying it at some point. i still don't where though, Twitch would be fine for games, and there's a chance that i could do well and maybe... well... i don't know. pictaro allows nsfw, but i don't know ANYTHING about them. there's always discord, like make a Patreon only sever and just do streams there for now, like linework and color streams, and maybe some game, or heck, maybe even just a Friday hang out, like chat and watch a movie or show, maybe read a manga online, i don't know. Heck, you could hear my voice and finally figure out what i am, lol, i'm pretty sure most of you has already made the correct assumption.

i... i think that's it... sorry it's so long, i've just been thinking about a lot of things this past month or so.

please, do let me know any thought you have, or suggestions, or anything, feel free to ask.

again sorry it's so long.

thank you for all your time and support over the years, thank you so much, here's you a new, and here's hoping, a good(or at least okay) year.

Azrael