Hello, update!

Hello all, I know I have been a bit all over the place, present and then absent. If I am honest it has just been so consuming dealing with my life changing illnesses right now... I mean I just called it life changing so that says enough. But I have grappled with the feelings and thoughts of doing reaction videos again and if I even want to or if I even feel comfortable enough to do so and it has been extremely tough and has been weighing on me. The pressure I have felt over the years doing reactions has been far from great and tbh I am terrified to even feel a morsel of that pressure anymore, it actually feels triggering. My nervous system can’t take that level of stress anymore especially as it can result in seizures for crying out loud. I don’t think I FULLY realised how that pressure consumed me, I didn’t really have a social life and I ignored other tasks and spent too much time sat down editing, neglecting chores, family time, friend time and cooking nourishing meals. I was work work workings hard while having Adhd, ptsd, BPD, chronic pain, chronic illness and being a single mum or a woman going through a toxic relationship with substance abuse issues, or a woman grieving, a woman heart broke, a woman trying new medications that were less than helpful… you get the idea. I am not saying I am the only one, but to work as much as I was when I even have had the “okay” from the government to not have to work ever again in my life, I sure did work myself silly.  Yes I had tried many things to combat the pressure, but inevitably it just wore me down no matter what. I would say I would slow it down a bit and I would sometimes but then a new release would come out and I would feel the pressure rising in my blood. No matter how patient you all were my loyalty and perfectionism would eat me alive, I was constantly feel like a failure for not getting videos out quick enough. IT TRULY did not matter how much you all wouldn’t mind and would be so kind and patient, it was in my blood to stress about it all. However, I fucking love listening to music and talking about it with you all, I really do. Especially when I am not already at boiling point with stress, when I am truly in the zone, listening to great music, there is nothing better. I have laughed and cried on camera, shared personal stories and have never felt so accepted in my life. I got to experiment with make up and even allowed myself to dance and feel like I was in a music video without fear of judgement. It was liberating too! It still is.  So in my hopes and dreams I think I would like to start by just doing some reactions on Patreon, get through some of the albums that have been requested over the years (please let me know if you still would like that, asking the album requesters specifically.). I feel significantly less pressure on Patreon as of course it is less public. I would then like to release maybe a couple YouTube reactions a month, but when I am fully ready, not yet. Also this may all fail and crumble too, I have to be completely honest as I just don’t know what will be too much for me now and I don’t want to even feel the pressure rise one bit. I will happily release one video a month on Patreon for the free members as well while I am only doing vids for Patreon. I can make a poll for you to vote on, “which album shall I release to free member this month?”. Listen, I am full of ideas, hopes and dreams and just don’t want to promise anything anymore. So I won’t, but these are my hopes and me showing you that even though I have been sick from pressure and the other things mentioned earlier in this post and now sick from neurological and new physical symptoms, I do still LOVE creating content for all of you, I love you. I just have to do everything so differently and take a huge step back, I don’t want to be in the rat race anymore, I don’t want it to be my job anymore, I want it to be a hobby that I do now and then and when I am ready. Of course your donations to me on Patreon mean so much but I would never expect you to keep on giving when I won’t be giving as much as I can anymore. Yes I am now getting more and more skint especially with the amount of stuff I have to buy to support my health but that isn’t your responsibility and in a way I hope it proves how much I love doing reaction videos, I still want to do it while not earning as much, tbh I never earned even minimum wage anyway, financial support from the patrons truly helped me so much though and the remaining ones are still helping so much. I guess I am trying to say THANK YOU for our financial support over the years and present day but also I don’t want to do this for money anymore either (financial support still welcome but I don’t feel desperate to recruit patrons now. I felt like I had to to survive before but now I’ve accepted being poor lol) so hard to fully explain I hope you understand haha. If my online presence inevitably fades off, then it does, I hope some of you will stick around and we can see what magic unfolds in a world where I don’t feel pressure and only the love of listening to music again. Hope you all understand, I will keep you updated on my health journey, on instagram I post so many things here and there and I have a Ear, nose and throat appointment on Sunday so praying I get many answers and the treatment plans I need to heal. I don’t want to create until I know exactly what the treatments will be as I may need surgery. Thank you again, my wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous, smart, funny, kind spirit guides.